// N U M B // Audio Log #001

Audio Log #001

On board the NIV Myrmidon, in orbit of Dubrillion.

"I know it's been a while since i've picked up one of these things. My master use to stress the importance to stay out of my head, but recently it seems like that's all i've been doin' these days. I've been busy as ever these days, so...not much free time to do much else. Maybe stare out into space when I can, thinkin' about what things were like before I became a soldier. Back when politics and death weren't intertwined together in my vocabulary, and the worst thing I had to worry about was maybe getting slagged on a contraband run by the Sith, and the occasionally hunter coming from Nar Shadaa. Easy stuff, y'know? In a sense, things are still pretty easy.

They weren't always-- I still remember thinking it was a good idea to jump into a warzone with nothing but a jacket to protect me. That day I almost cost one of my men their lives, and ever since then i've tried my hardest to avoid making such a rookie mistake again. Or so I told myself, but then half of my men died at the battle of Muunilinst. Maybe more. There were plenty of MIA's logged in alongside the killed-in-action. I'm not even sure why I decided to bring those boys along that day. We were the tip of the spear, and far outnumbered by the Sith-Imperials waiting in the city. I should've known there was an ambush waiting us, but hindsight is 20/20, or so i've been told.

Plenty of good men have died since the start of our little rebellion. I'm sure there's some half-decent people over on the Sith-Imperial side as well, but I can't afford to think that way. Not now. It's either them or us, and it'd be irresponsible of me to show mercy to anybody who's in a position to take the lives of men who trust me to keep them alive. The 173rd would give their lives up for me if needed, but I don't think i've got it in me to knowingly order them to their deaths. I'd rather see them happy and having a good time in the barracks than out there in the field, covered in blood and fighting for a cause that might not even benefit them personally. Their willingness to fight is what drives me to fight, these days. Without seeing how eager these men are, I don't think i'd have it in me to fight in this invasion. It's supposed to be the next step to Bastion, but i'm tired of seeing people die.

I'm tired of taking lives and pretending like I just didn't kill somebody for the greater good of what I believe in. I'm human, not some fething machine, and I'm just...I'm just tired. All I wanted was to see my home again. Not as an exiled Prince, and free from the stranglehold that the Empire holds on the planet. The dream felt so real when I first proposed it, and until recently I think i've been runnin' off some sort of high because of it.

But not anymore.

I just put up a front as if I'm this confident, stoic 'Jedi' that's fighting the good fight without ever second-guessing what he's doing. It's not true at all. I'd like to say that my experiences have made me feel numb...and in a way, I wish they really did. If I were numb to all the killing, the constant war, the loneliness, I don't think i'd feel the need to spend what free time I have before an invasion makin' one of these audio logs, pretending like it's a friend that i'm confiding my true thoughts in. Another pipe dream, these days.. haha.

I've gotta go inspire the boys, now. Put on a game face and pretend like I didn't just spend the past thirty minutes eating the same crappy food by myself as always, wondering when the fighting would end. If it would even end. I hope it does.

I don't know how long I can go about pretending like i'm numb."

- Prince Lucien Dooku