Datapad Log Initiated
The Force feels…muddy. Like trying to see through a transparisteel viewport covered in grime. It used to be so clear, so vibrant. Now, it's just a constant, dull thrum of anxiety. I can feel my father, you know? Not literally, but…his influence. It's like a shadow stretching across the galaxy, trying to ensnare me.
Another comm message today. Encrypted, of course. Always encrypted, dripping with veiled threats and thinly disguised emotional blackmail. "Your mother needs you, Roman. The House needs you. Come home." Home. He calls it home. It's a gilded cage, that's what it is. A place where sorrow festers and power is a weapon.
I haven't been sleeping well. The nightmares…they're always the same. My siblings. Their faces, young and full of life, then…gone. Disappearing like smoke. And my father, standing over me, his eyes burning with that same chilling ambition. He reaches out…and then I wake up, drenched in sweat, my heart hammering.
They say I need to meditate more, find balance. Easier said than done. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I hear his voice. Demanding, manipulative. He wants me to abandon everything I've worked for, to betray the Jedi ideals I've come to believe in. He wants me to use the Force for hispurposes. To secure his power grab.
I've been avoiding everyone and everything. Master Cora, my friends…
I keep thinking about that Mandalorian that rescued us, the one on Hapes. The one who snapped that terrorist's neck with the Force. No hesitation, no remorse. Just…done. In that moment, that Mandalorian did what had to be done. Saved countless lives.
Sometimes…sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of power. To wield the Force without restraint, to simply erase the problems that plague me. To silence my father, to protect my mother, to finally be…free. I know the Jedi way is about balance, about control. But what good is balance when you're being slowly crushed under the weight of someone else's ambition?
Another arranged marriage. He's lining them up like targets in a shooting range. He knows I despise the idea, knows it grates against everything I believe in. That's why he does it. To remind me that I'm just a pawn, a means to an end. He wants to use my Force ability to push through all the things he lacks, to take over all his rivals and destroy everything in his path.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm trapped between two worlds, belonging to neither. As a Jedi I am supposed to be a beacon of light, a symbol of hope. My father wants me to be his weapon, his enforcer. I just want…peace. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe…maybe if I had that Mandalorian's ruthlessness, that raw, unbridled power…maybe then I could finally escape this suffocating prison. Maybe then…I could finally be free. But at what cost?
I'm scared. Scared of the darkness, scared of my father, scared of what I might become. And most of all…scared of losing myself.
Datapad Log Ended
