Skid rolled into the cabin, wheels making a chunking sound across the bulkhead as he came close enough to pose a question at her without having to screech.
Rosy eyes rolling to the side in hopes of keeping her head still before being made to turn just enough to bring her companion into view. His metallic body a reminder that it was just her on the ship. It was her ship, and the air she put on was one of independence and stubbornness that she'd worn for so long.
But she was alone.
As she always ended up being. The chirps and blips bringing her back from her thoughts as she cleared her throat with a rasping chuckle.
"Skiptown should drop on its own. You can shut down for a bit." A sharp gesture towards the living compartments as the droid began to turn and wheel away. The sudden silence of its stopping making her eyes hesitate as they began to close and her mind wandered back to the spiraling it always sank to.
"Hmm?" A soft and open ended question that hung in the air for eons and mere seconds simultaneously as the droid gave a single chirp. She could hear the swivel of his Dome. Once around before turning. Pausing before finishing the turn and wheels grabbed the floor once more in travel as the cabin began to fall to silence once more.
The sound of a door whisking open and closed brought the typical sounds of a shuttle in flight. The groan of the hull as it kept itself whole and complete against the stresses of space.
Of the harsh conditions this kind of travel placed on an object.
But it brought back the looming isolation. A sensation that she knew with an intimacy she felt ashamed of. Who wanted to spend their time jumping from system to system in a mad dash for nothing? Or spend it alongside someone that just made trouble wherever they went? Sure, she'd done a few nice things. Helped where she could. Maybe tried talking sense into people. But that effort never seemed to gain much more than a passing thanks. A swift nod and the rest of the galaxy set off for its own goals.
Always finding herself traveling along at the speed of going nowhere fast.
More often her idea of fun always came with a caveat. Always had a downside. Inane things in her mind that were harmless and yet always seemed to blow up.
The same reason always presented itself in the end. What was the point?
It was tiring. Came with no benefit. Her fun and joy always a bother to someone as she'd been shown time and again. Something that always made her hesitate to even act on things. Always made her second guess. Always left her doubting.
She wasn't capable. Wasn't what people liked. That was evident enough with the quiet that surrounded her. The only being that stayed was one whose existence relied on hers. And if she left or was taken?
Nothing a memory wipe couldn't solve for the little droid. She'd be nothing more than a blip of code gone. Was it the same to everyone else? She didn't have anyone to challenge the idea, and it gained a bit more of a foothold in her psyche. The slow growth of something off about her that even she failed to notice.
She was just strange. Unpleasant. The galaxy would move on if she fethed off. There was always a brighter light. Always a better being around the corner. Someone she couldn't measure up to.
Her eyes inched closer to being shut as she chastised herself.
It wasn't a big deal. She didn't have any reason to be morose. She had work, had her own ship. She was a space wizard for feth's sake. Could do things others couldn't. Would never be able to do. Why should she worry about the little things like having noisy people around? At least Skid shutdown every so often and let her have peace.
The self assurance was short lived as she sat in the untroubled silence.
Her own conclusion running riot over the previous statement. What good were jedi abilities when everyone thought your were annoying? When they didn't want you around? When the most memorable thing about was you being the weirdo that got in trouble.
But it was recognition at least. Some assurance that she was noticed.
They were all forging ahead on their own paths. Everyone that had formed a circle in their youth had begun to grow, and move at an alarming pace forward that she didn't think she could match with the fastest ship she could find.
They were leaving her behind.
Then again, everyone always left in some way. And it was better to know that they couldn't be pages upon pages in her own life story when she would only be a footnote on a single page of another's story.
Her limbs grew increasingly heavy as she let the thoughts swirl. Let the rhyme and reason of old experiences take hold. A tinge of something other behind the thoughts that she failed to notice as her eyes locked onto a small discrepancy of metal.
A blemish of unknown origin. A slight scratch along the endless seam of metal that would never be noticed again if she pulled her eyes away now.
But she couldn't, eyes unfocused and viewing a place well beyond what lay in front of her.
The spot became a blur in the blending of colors as her vision blurred. Releasing her physical focus while her mind swam deeper into the mire of self sabotage in the guise of caring for herself. In the mask of preventing herself from being hurt. When it was fear of disappointment, farewells, and failures that pushed her to the point of being miserable in her own company.
She could be happy alone, right?
The wedding she'd attended a vivid reminder that she was not one of them. Found family had shown her that she was welcome, and they had made a place for her among their own. But misplaced beliefs still made her hold onto the sense of ill-placed faith.
She was just some weirdo that got in trouble. And they. They had the publics interest. They had the wider eye of the galaxy on them at times.
She would never belong. She wasn't from the same cut and breed. They all strove forward to achieve and succeed. While she floundered behind them silently and threw herself against a self imposed wall without realizing she had placed the bricks.
Had lain the foundation of that barrier through experiences she only remembered now in her dreams.
Her arms folded upward slowly, the effort almost not worth it until they began blocking her vision. Closing her eyes completely to the comforting dark that held all the patience in the galaxy for her. The dark always welcomed her home. It didn't judge her or hold her in contempt. Didn't silently remind her of her nature. Didn't give her the forced smiles of patience that she always seemed to see pointed at her.
The Dark comforted her into thoughtless slumber time and again. And it beckoned her down to cease her worries and find comfort in its embrace. The lights beyond her closed eyes faded.
Worries forgotten for the moment as she slipped into slumber.
