Feedback 1,000 Posts Feedback+Criticism Thread!

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

Sooooo, been about... five months since the last one of these.

Oh wow, writing that out, realising that was a faster pace than I thought it was lol.

You know the drill, to all the people who have written with Malum, and even to the people who haven't and either want to or just simply have read what I have written for him, here's your time to roast me for all I am worth.

Jks (mostly), if anyone does take the time to respond to this thread, I will be immensely grateful, but please do not feel like you need to put a filter on for my benefit, I believe fundamentally you can only become a better writer through criticism from others, so while I'll be overjoyed to hear about things you think I have done well, I will be equally overjoyed to hear about places where you think I need to improve.

Excited to hear y'alls thoughts.

 

[Nouqai Veil]

he good.



jk will give a proper review tmr.

 

[Bernard]

Do you have threads you think particularly exemplify your ideas with this character?

I've been seeing you post around here and been curious. I'll give 'em a read and toss my thoughts your way if you want.

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Marcus Dinn]

Pros: Malum has some pretty deep characterization, with lots of layers. One of the traits I notice most (and like about him) is his self-doubt. You get the impression that he's a Sith less because he buys completely into their philosophy, and more because he was born into it and it's all he's ever known. It adds a nice layer of tragedy to his interactions with non-Sith characters. His romance with Elise is cute and sad.

I also like that you've shown a willingness to depict him in a vulnerable or weak state. He's not immune to temptation (especially when it comes to women) and while he probably thinks he's quite cunning, he's not out here claiming to be the smartest guy in the room, let alone the galaxy. I also enjoy your devotion to political intrigue, even if it often feels pointless because the people he is trying to undermine and overthrow are either never going to budge or are inactive and can't/won't participate.

I also see that you're no longer using Darth Caedus for your pfp. Back when you were still including it in the gif, it was distractingly out of place lol.

Cons: You're known as the Too Long Internal Monologue Guy™. The problem with this is that you divulge more exposition than is necessary for the thread itself, and you do it in a way where your partner can't do anything with it without metagaming. Characters inexplicably knowing other people's thoughts is one of my peeves, but I get the frustration when it comes to writers who are over-reliant on internal monologuing and don't leave their partners with much to work with.

Try to limit yourself to only writing what your partner needs to know to tell the story, or even writing as if the other person was the POV character and only providing descriptions of what they can perceive. That means setting the scene in more detail and limiting exposition. Use dialogue and body language to reveal things about Malum's current state of mind. I don't need a full update on Malum's life story in a thread where that information isn't required for the story to proceed. If I want to know that information, I can have my character ask him how he's been doing, which will open up an interaction, which generates drama and characterization. We wouldn't get that if you tell the reader (me rather than my character) everything in your very first post via internal monologue. My character can't read Malum's thoughts. It's also tiring to read a big ole exposition dump, which makes it harder to focus on what's actually happening.

TL;DR don't blow your load immediately when it comes to exposition, focus more on describing the scene itself.

 

[Ijaat Mereel]

Git gud scrub.

You're doing great, and I'm excited to see where you go.

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

cracks knuckles J/K

I have a couple points of feedback. First I just want to say I love the character! I am also glad you enjoy writing him so much. With that I‘m going to jump in.

My first comment is one you already know but is worth repeating… you’re all over the place and as such it actually makes Malum‘s story difficult to keep track of.

My seconded seems to be mentioned and it is in relation to the internal monologues, but I’m going to put an added piece to what is already mentioned above. You have a habit of using your internal monologue to justify using things you know OOC to come to IC revelations. This often presents Malum as being more clever than he should be or even bordering on the omniscient.

As a character Malum isn’t the only one that wants to keep or have his secrets, and on a few occasions you’ve taken another person‘s inner dialogue when they’ve mentioned a secret and inner monologue Malum’s way to somehow uncovering that exact secret.

I want to leave you with some more positives though!

Malum is clever, and I do think he portrays what a modern Tsis’kaar should be. I would even love to see more focus on how he might restore them from the black spot they became after Ophidia’s rebellion.

I‘m personally wanting to see what happens with his involvement with the Mandalorians too, considering there are Sith that would flay him for fraternizing with them. The tension you’ve managed to build into Malum’s story is good and you should play to it more. I think it’s my favorite part of the story right now.

Hope this is something in the range of what you were looking for…

Darth Malum of House Marr

ps your name is so long it doesn’t fit in the bar on mobile… my ocd triggers every time

 

[Delila Castillon]

Darth Malum of House Marr

I've read your threads off and on, mainly the story between you and Elise Ahana-Gwyneira . Absolutely loved that dynamic, the entire forbidden lovers angle, I think the entire arc was extremely well written then...nothing? Its a shame if that's dropped, because I feel your style of writing really shined in those kinda personal dramatic moments. I think it was giving Malum a lot more fleshing out and personality. The Sith here can definitely fall into the trap of just mindless evil and you seem to be more than that.

TL;DR : Excited to see this character grow, will continue to snoop in your threads.

 

[Revna]

Heyyyy feedback time!!! Ready to get roasted? Jk ^^ I'll be nice, maybe.

First of all, I've followed along with Malum's story and development since before I even made a character on Chaos. I was thrilled that someone was playing a descendant of one of my favorite Sith Lords, and Malum's story arc really intrigued me. I was always really drawn in by his unique story, the fact that he's a noble and a Sith, but doesn't really have all the typical Sith traits one would expect. He had a sense of humanity, even if that put him at odds against others or even his own beliefs at times. His relationship with Elise is the sweetest, and my heart melted to see such an "unlikely" partnership come together and work - despite all the challenges they face. You write Malum with a more gentle streak, and with relatable weaknesses than the typical "evil big baddie Sith lord" and I really enjoy that aspect. Really just creates a rich dynamic for him and makes him feel a lot more relatable and down to earth, even. Things are not so black and white with him, and I think you've done a good job at bringing him to life and portraying a man torn between being the Sith he's expected to be to carry on the great legacy that is on his shoulders...and a man who simply just wants to live and let live. I really am excited to see where Malum goes in this amazing and rich story you're building for him, and I feel super fortunate and lucky to be a part of it in a small way.

I think my biggest issue that I had was when reading your posts, it was hard for me to know when you were talking and when you were not, because your spoken dialogue was the same color as your non-spoken. Especially in longer posts I often found myself going back and having to re-read to make sure I understood what was happening and what was being said. However, I've noticed you are starting to color your spoken texts and I just want to say THANK YOU for that. Please keeping doing that!

Also, I agree with Marcus and the points he made; while I do enjoy seeing into Malum's thoughts/head a bit...sometimes you go a bit overboard with it and readers can get lost in the longer mental monologues, as they tend to bounce all over the place. If I could offer a suggestion or a tip: when you write, react to what your partner is doing or saying, and write a small bit about how Malum feels or thinks about it in the moment, if applicable. If this means your post is only 300-500 words or somewhere in that ballpark, then so be it! Short posts are not a bad thing! I had to learn that for myself as well, and I'm still adjusting and figuring things out as I go along.

I will also agree with the points that Gerwald brought up. Unless you are using the Force to try and read someone's inner thoughts or decipher their secrets, then try to steer away revealing such things, or leave it out entirely in your writings. For example: Malum wouldn't know what's going on inside Revna's head (or anyone else for that matter) or any of her internal secrets, so there is no reason to bring any of it up - unless I as her writer give you clues or a lead that would then make Malum suspicious. Does that make sense? And that goes for anyone writing with you, I'd imagine. Malum wouldn't know Ger's secrets or internal thoughts, he wouldn't know Strosius's secrets or thoughts, etc etc. Anyway, that's all I wanna say on that topic.

Overall, you have a wonderful writing style and I thoroughly enjoy reading what you put out there. I love Malum's story and I want to see it continue and see how it progresses and how it eventually ends...as all stories must. Don't stop pursuing your goals and ideals you have for him - like him trying to destroy the Force to free people of its influence and set the galaxy free of the cruel back and forth between Light and Dark. Even though you as his writer know it ain't gonna happen, Malum doesn't. To him, it's a very real goal and concern he has, and I would encourage you to follow through on those things.

I seriously can't wait to write more with you, and have some more Malum x Revna interactions. Get your back log taken care of a bit more

You are a champ, Uncle MalMal! Keep up the good work. I hope this feedback is helpful for you!

 

[Nouqai Veil]

a lot of points were already brought up by Revna and others for writing feedback. there is a lot of rather sentimental internal monologue and the reference/mention of chars - usually the same ones over again that may seem unrelated to the current scene to the general reader. A suggestion that some context could be expanded on a bit more if mentioning external chars, it might do wonders.

as you know, our rp styles (and personalities) differ quite a lot and at times we have a bit of conflict when plotting and planning. as always talking works to solve most of those issues. and that is great! i think we definitely learnt how to communicate better and get more familiar with each other's quips from the hours of dm. especially with both our character's being an influential part of each other's stories, its very important for healthy rp and avoid toxicity.

i have adapted some of your one sentence paragraphs into my writing style, though in moderation to mostly act as bridge rather than in internal monologues that i would again point out that you over use those one sentence para with them. Some of those sentence para I feel are nice to read, while other i feel could have been put into one small paragraph seamlessly instead in '....' our most recent thread... an example: Wishing he could reach through the glass, and grasp her hand, squeezing to show she was not in danger here. As strange as that thought was and as much as it may potentially gain some of her trust, it was from how he should have treated an apprentice. which was written in 4 sentences. you could try combining your sentences and see how you feel about it, perhaps, or don't. we all have different writing styles and preferences. there is no right or wrong unless you're my middle-high school english teacher.

anyway, nouqai was really less than two weeks old when we started collaborating, and it has been wonderful curating stories and writing them out with you and building on their dynamic. i especially love reading malum's interaction with falentra, seeing him exude that gentle paternal side that is so un*sith*-like. i am eager to read what comes next and for our other ideas to play out, and i hope you feel the same way too :3