Feedback 1,500 Posts Feedback+Criticism Thread!

[Darth Malum of House Marr]

Sooooo, been about... seven months since the last one of these... which wow, my pace has really dropped, and I need to get back on the wagon clearly. This should have happened a few days ago, but the muse has not been musing, but now hopefully has returned, sorry to all those who have been waiting.

You know the drill, to all the people who have written with Malum, and even to the people who haven't and either want to or just simply have read what I have written for him, here's your time to roast me for all I am worth.

Jks (mostly), if anyone does take the time to respond to this thread, I will be immensely grateful, but please do not feel like you need to put a filter on for my benefit, I believe fundamentally you can only become a better writer through criticism from others, so while I'll be overjoyed to hear about things you think I have done well, I will be equally overjoyed to hear about places where you think I need to improve.

Excited to hear y'alls thoughts.

 

[Jonyna Si]

Biggest Critique:

Write with me more :tappycat:

Actual critique:

It's nice to see a plotting villain, but often it feels like you're artificially extending thoughts to justify paragraph length. I'm a short post writer at the end of the day, and I'd rather get 3 posts a week from someone with small posts, than get one post a year from someone with a 3 page essay.

 

[Darth Strosius]

You write gud.

The only real critique I'd give would be that, at one time at least, you had a lot of hands in a lot of baskets all at once so to speak. Malum had stuff going on with Mandos, with the EOTL, with the Sith of course, with Jedi, it seemed like a bunch of disparate stuff and plotlines to me. I am notoriously anti-social though so that might be normal and I might just be the weird one lol.

Either way recently you've seemed a lot more focused on seeing through plotlines though so as of right now no real complaints, just keep doing what you're doing!

 

[Marcus Dinn]

I think your post length has actually improved quite a bit, lol. Your tendency to write overlong monologues is still probably your weakest point as a writer overall, but you have made significant progress that deserves recognition. Nowadays I can fit the entire text of your average post within the confines of my laptop screen without having to scroll down or zoom out, where before I'd have to scroll in order to read the whole thing. That is a very respectable post length as far as I'm concerned.

I like Malum. He's a well-rounded character with clearly defined flaws and weaknesses, as well as being an actually villainous character with nefarious goals. Your characterization is a great strength which makes me want to write with you more. I have been enjoying our current thread together. While you are a slow poster, you're consistent. I know it may take a while but you will eventually reply and not leave me hanging.

I can't really think of anything else really worth mentioning as far as critique goes. Keep up the good work!

 

[Kaila Irons]

I wanna start this off by saying that I'm a big fan! I enjoy pretty much every post that comes my way, however the feedback I have has less to do with the posts themselves and more that you seem to get involved with a whole lotta stuff but I personally at least have only seen a few posts from you in a lotta of the threads I've seen with you in it and usually far apart. speed has picked up recently! but it's worth mentioning imo, you seem spread thin.

genuinely the only thing I would change about the posts themselves is your tendency to call eyes "Orbs". It's professional novel tier writing but get's marred by a word I've only heard of being used in fanfiction and the contrast is a little jarring lol! I'm sure I have plenty wrong with my posts, but if you can change this you change the only little flaw I could find <3

 

[Srina Talon]

You write gud.

The only real critique I'd give would be that, at one time at least, you had a lot of hands in a lot of baskets all at once so to speak. Malum had stuff going on with Mandos, with the EOTL, with the Sith of course, with Jedi, it seemed like a bunch of disparate stuff and plotlines to me. I am notoriously anti-social though so that might be normal and I might just be the weird one lol.

Either way recently you've seemed a lot more focused on seeing through plotlines though so as of right now no real complaints, just keep doing what you're doing!

Pretend I said mostly this but with a lot more nuance. I think sometimes your muse takes a hit because you've got a little bit of everything going on all the time without maintaining a more streamlined focus and sort of get overwhelmed. (I do this too just in different ways.)

The character tends to jump from thing to thing without really exploring what he already has. One minute he's the struggling youngest member of the Dark Council and the next he's up for Sith Sainthood. But this is honestly minor because most writers tend to do some version of this.

Overall, your writing is enjoyable.

I love a good monolog and if I EVER CAME AT SOMEONE for the length of posts I expect one of you to take me out back behind the shed and old yeller me. I am guilty AF for that style of writing... But I enjoy it. To each their own in that regard but I wouldn't wish that you change it unless you want to.

Malum is my wee babs (TLDR fully grown but we're ignoring that) whom none will ever take the place of.

Post for me - You know what, and where. Get on it. :3

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

Not much to say that already hasn’t been said. From my vantage point while I can see you active in places, I can agree with what a couple have said above that you have what I would call an unfocused focus. It’s something a lot of us fall into, even I am guilty of it. If you want to expand more you can always reach out I feel I could explain it better in dialogue.

Since my last feedback it seems you’ve been more aware that Malum has to earn secrets in character. I know Malum likes to “Tsis’Kaar” his way to knowing things on occasion and maybe exploring that more in character would be good. He has consolidated it now, so actively and visibly showcasing that more would seem like a fun thing.

Overall you write well.

I also echo the above… I’m still waiting… even if so much has happened since the last post. Which just means you owe me

Darth Malum of House Marr

 

[Adean Castor]

Something I've noticed is your staging. At least in my experiences, characters remain pretty physically isolated unless they're actively fighting, for example. In the interactions we've had, you do well in incorporating touch, spacing, etc. in ways that create an intimate moment without dipping into creepy or overwhelming.

You're a great mood-setter though I do think sometimes you get a tad heavy handed in keeping Malum on top in a situation (which we all do so not something to beat yourself up on).

You're doing good, bud. Keep it up.

Also obligatory pointing out you owe me posts too lmaoooo

 

[Revna]

A lot of what I was going to say or touch on was already mentioned; I've seen a LOT of improvements since your last critique feedback and I just want to say, I'm proud of you for actively putting those into place and allowing the advice of others to help improve your writing.

I will second what Kaila said about the eyes being referred to as orbs a lot; when its sprinkled in tastefully, it's fine. Sometimes you can go a little overboard with it; but we all have words we re-use a lot - even me. One thing I do (or try to!) is if I find myself using the same word a lot, I look up synonyms of that same word to place in a sentence to help with that. It also helps you expand your vocabulary and learn new words, which is great for a writer!

Also, THANK YOU for coloring your spoken dialogue in your posts, it helps SO MUCH to separate Malum's thought processes to what he's actually saying.

As said by a few others, you do seem to have Malum everywhere, dabbling in a little bit of everything - and I do believe, personally, that this contributed to you have 30-40 threads that became a backlog that inevitably wore you down. While there is nothing wrong with taking up a couple threads here and there where Malum dabbles in things that are not necessarily associated with his main story plot - I would encourage you to really focus on him and the threads that help you build his personal story - be it with the Dark Council, his associates that he is closest to, or his own personal ambitions like collecting more artifacts of Darth Marr. He's your character, first and foremost. Yes you share him with others, but his personal story is important too. Don't put that on the back burner just because you think you need to have him be a support for a bunch of other people and their stories. If someone asks you for a thread that doesn't really make sense for him as a character or his story line, then it's okay to say No.

Overall, I'm really impressed with the work you've put into Malum and your writings; the fact that you still maintain activity even with school and a job is impressive to me. Keep up the good work, and if you have any further questions or want me to clarify anything better, my DMs are open

 

[Darth Caedes]

I echo what's been said here. You're a good writer, sometimes spread thin on activity, but overall: shorten your posts. You can convey the same amount of information in even more impactful ways by condensing your writing and letting the reader's imagination do most of that work for you. Folks in here have mentioned dialogue, which is something I too struggled with for years. It wasn't until I started taking creative writing classes from some slack-off professor in University that I really had that "ah-hah" moment for dialogue. Most people write too much of it. In real life, most of us say a few words, then someone else says a few, and then we say a few back. Sometimes I see you writing dialogue throughout your posts, as if time is moving, sometimes addressing separate moments or topics, which presupposes that someone else doesn't say something in the meantime, or interrupt, and can therefore break with immersion. It can make it feel like a flashback episode in an anime rather than a real life conversation that we'd actually see between real people.
​

Here's a Caedes origin story I wrote specifically to practice dialogue cadence.

Overall, rock on! You're obviously responsible for tons of story and folks enjoy writin' with you. Keep it up!

 

[Tegan Starfall]

First and foremost one of these days we need to establish conically that Tegan is in fact Malum's real Dad IC.

All of two times now I have written with you have had nothing but pure fun and excitement in doing so. From our first writing together on the fall of Exegol to our latest endeavor in the prison thread with my character Tamsin. I also enjoy reading many of your threads, your great at writing detail and the thoughts of your character. It has been a treat to see how you both your character and your writing has evolved since the Exegol thread. I am actually slightly jealous wish I could write as well as you do. Also to be honest one of the reasons I came back to writing after I thought I was done with rp and left chaos last time, was because I want to write with you and Corazona von Ascania again.

That said most people already said what my biggest critique would be, and that is you seem to over extend yourself. I understand it really well as I do it to myself all the time I think I have moment of free time or down time so I commit to more threads. Next thing you know your in a billion threads and owe a backlog of posts. Also sometimes you do it so you don't get bored if some of the other threads you're in are a little slower but then they pick up pace and next thing you know you owe a lot of posts. This is a hard thing to curb and even as long as I have been writing I haven't been able to curb it completely.

The worst part of it though is it often leads to burn out cause one feels like they are in rut they can't get out of but want to move onto other things. Then you are burnt out and only get further behind which leads to a crappy cycle. Not much advice I can give except know you can slow down, take your time, tell people when your muse just isn't in something, and learn to pace yourself you don't need to be everywhere.

Also the orbs thing is funny to me, I didn't really notice you did it until Kaila Irons pointed it out to me.

 

[OTHERMOTH]

Think much has been covered. I have nothing but admiration on the skill you have on writing. I also think I definitely see improvements in your writings since I've started writing with you early this year.

I do like to see what you've done with the character and how much his influence has ultimately grown since we started rping. But with the feedback above, I think it might be a bit too much for you to manage Ooc. As with the character, I have a few dislikes about him OoC as I've told you, but thats no fault of your own, just mine as his charismatic charm has begun to remind me of someone I don't vibe with IRL lol. Falentra still likes him anyway.

 

[Aris Noble]

Less is more. Not just in how much you write in a single post, but also in the amount of threads you have. You certainly get yourself into a crap ton of threads that you then groan about in chats about being behind on. Take it easy.

 

[Julius Sedaire]

I wish we had had more time with Ijaat and Malum to explore things. I like your writing, but echo the others in that less is often more.

 

[Corazona von Ascania]

First and foremost one of these days we need to establish conically that Tegan is in fact Malum's real Dad IC.

You're not allowed to do that because that'll make Tegan and Cora related by blood, and then she'd yeet dramatically from the tallest spire of Ukatis.

Anyway, it'll be hard not to echo what those have already said, but I'll second (third? Fourth?) the general idea of less is more. Since your last feedback request, you've cut out some of the fluff which helped reduce post length without sacrificing quality and direction. Fluff isn't always a bad thing – well placed bits can make a post more dynamic and the scene easier to visualize, and you utilize it well. Malum's reactions are described nicely and enhance scene he's in.

Do not fear the power of the short post! Maybe challenge yourself by setting an upper limit (300, 400 words etc.) for a single response. I'm not suggesting that you do this all of the time or in every thread, but it can be a good exercise to practice condensing your writing.

I like the direction that Malum has taken overall. We've been writing since he was an acolyte (albeit with gaps) and watching him grow from a hopeful apprentice to a Serious Threat has been satisfying. He's changed a lot in terms of ability and influence, but he still retains a lot of his core characteristics (drive, compassion, etc.). Aside from our own stories, love what you and Darth Strosius have been cooking. You don't shy away from writing Malum as more openly sentimental, which seems to be rarer among Sith and generates a lot of good IC story drama.

OOCly, you're pleasant to work with and we get along well (biased). You always try to work with the flow of the scene your in and give your partner something to respond to. You put genuine thought into your posts that makes your writing partners feel seen. It can be tempting to want to pick up a lot of threads because there are so many great stories to be had, but try not to spread yourself too thin, as others have said.

Oh, and I bet he reads Lady Velvet.

 

[Lunara Azure]

So, a lot of people have already said most things I would want to...so i'm gonna say it anyway.

You're a really good writer, and I've always enjoyed your posts. I actually do enjoy longer posts, more room for you to show off your character, the thoughts and actions. There's a lot that can be shown in the little thoughts and little gestures, a way to express your character's personality in the small ways that it's fun to see you taking advantage of.

There was a point where you were pretty spread out, but you've been doing better about that and ifocusing on your story and what you want has helped a lot. Plus, you do come up with some really cool ideas. I'm really interested to see you develop Malum's story more and show him and who he is and what he wants to do.

 

[Vazela]

My only critique would be the recent fight-to-the-death between Malum and Strosius. The first few posts in their duel were quite superb. In particular I enjoyed the nods back to the important events which defined both characters up to the moment you fought to the death.

After the initial posts I felt like the fight moved away from Star Wars to an anime tier battle that wouldn't be out of place in Bleach, and while I love that show, I feel like the best to come from Star Wars as a medium-- when it comes to two characters fighting-- is in the tactics, tension, and most importantly: Lightsaber combat.

My praise comes in the form of the potential of the character. There have been many Sith characters to come and go in this website that are remembered more than most (these names instantly spring to mind). Malum has the potential to become of these rememberable characters.

I feel like he is missing his villain arc. The thing that elevates him to that premier position. I would love to help him get there.