Private A Controlled Detonation.

[Aaran Tafo]

He was not a healer.

He never had been. He could never properly harness the Force to do much more than heal himself. And that was typically a struggle to do through meditation. And even then, he was typically better off just applying some bacta to any wounds he suffered from. It tended to work quicker than his sloppy attempts at using the Force to fix himself up.

So, imagine his surprise when Auteme, the best healer he knows asked him to help with something. It seems that one particular Padawan still had not managed to properly pick themselves up from Ziost. Adding them to a rapidly growing list of Jedi who were still licking their wounds from their battles on that world. Aaran had read the reports. An encounter with none other than Carnifex himself.

Not exactly an ideal first excursion to take one's Padawan on. But it was not his place to judge Auteme's choices as Kisaku's master. But it seemed that he was asked to help deal with what came after. Not that he had any issue with it. No plan surviving contact with the enemy and all that. And fewer Padawans survived contact with a Dark Lord. But somehow the Miraluka had survived the experience. But had ended up changed by it.

Whatever it was that Carnifex did. The normally boisterous Padawan was clearly affected by it greatly. His usual boisterous energy was gone. His pride in bladework faded. No longer paying as much attention in class, his training regimen slacking and no longer interacting with his fellow Padawans anymore. Even refusing requests for saber practice with his fellows. Something that before he would have accepted with gusto and no small amount of swagger.

The signs were present on Manaan. But it seemed that they were worse than he feared.

So, it was time he took affairs into his own hands. At Auteme's request of course. He had invited the troubled Padawan to join him in none other than the same classroom that he had given his lecture in those weeks ago. Where he had made the Padawan test himself against the Sword of the Jedi and was given some rather scathing criticism.

It would be in this place that no doubt causes him some measure of anxiety that the Battlemaster would get to the root of the issues that one of his most prospective students was having.

Kisaku Oroken

 

[Kisaku Oroken]

Scene: A Training Room within the Coruscant Jedi Temple
Starring: Aaran Tafo | Kisaku Oroken

Anxiety was a suitable word for what Kisaku felt right now. When Auteme had told him that Aaran wanted to see him in the training hall, every bit of him wanted to find an excuse as to why he couldn't show up. However, after estranging himself from most everyone he knew, there was nothing. No friends he could say he was going out with, no training regiment that he was a part of. His life had come to what seemed like to him a grinding halt. A part of him felt relief that he was undoubtedly going to be forced to talk about what was ailing him. Relief that someone cared enough to address it, that Aaran even noticed. Every other part was clenched in unabating dread at the prospect of it. The smallest hope welled within him that after it was all aired that Aaran would help him. That hope was shrouded in fear. Fear that there was no helping, or that after the conversation was had that even one of the bravest Jedi he knew would balk at the unimpeded view of how much of a mess Kisaku was right now.​

​

He stopped outside of the door to that familiar training room. Hesitation coursed through him as it felt like a threshold that couldn't be walked back over once he entered. He could see Aaran waiting for him within. The concern that was on his mind was the final push of reassurance Kisaku needed to summon the monumental effort it took to press forward, the door hissing open with his presence. He stepped inside, feeling like a mouse as he bowed slightly at the waist towards the battlemaster.​

​

"You wished to see me, sir?" Kisaku spoke in a voice that was soft and quiet.​

​

Aaran might notice that his lightsaber, usually tucked under his senninbari -- or in a leather sheath hanging from the same -- was hanging from it, tied firmly in place by a length of cloth cordage. It didn't look like there was any easy way of bringing it to hand for it to be wielded, tied to his sash as it was.​

 

[Aaran Tafo]

When Kisaku arrived, the room was not arrayed out for a lecture, or even a sparring match. The training swords had been put away; the remote droids were nestled in their shelves. Instead, there was just a pair of cushions opposite each other with a small table between them. A teapot, contents just boiled and filled with one of Master Tiland's own brews. And a pair of cups.

When he turned his blind gaze to the Battlemaster, the Miraluka would have his previous concerns alleviated somewhat. During times like these, he allowed himself to be easily read. And all the Padawan could pick up from him was gentle concern. Concern for his student's wellbeing and prospects. And then the smallest glimmer of amusement as he was addressed.

Letting out slight snort, he answered his pupil. "Still not used to people calling me sir." He said, shaking his head before holding out a hand, gesturing to the cushion opposite to him. "Please, sit." He said, waiting for the Padawan to situate themselves before pouring himself a cup of the fragrant tea, raising an eyebrow towards the Padawan. "Tea?" He asked, hoping that the calming leaf water would help settle Kisaku's nerves.

"So" He said, continuing regardless of if the Padawan accepted or declined the beverage. "been meaning to talk to you for a while now. But I am afraid that with my new duties and recent talks, I was only able to schedule something in recently. For that I apologise." He said, a note of genuine regret in his tone. Things had been crazy since Ziost, between the recent agreements with the New Imperial Order, drafting up teaching plans for the new students and his council business. He found himself with less time for the smaller, more personal things that a Jedi should be able to. Like care for the wellbeing of their students.

If at any point, Kisaku decided to attempt the Truth Sensing technique he picked up on Manaan, he would find the Battlemaster to be nothing but honest with him.

"So, let’s just get down to things." He said, putting his drink back down on the table as he leaned forward slightly, giving the sullen student his full attention.

"How are you feeling? You seem to be still rather rattled after Ziost. Would you care to tell me what's been on your mind?"

Kisaku Oroken

 

[Kisaku Oroken]

Coruscant Jedi Temple, Training Room
Aaran Tafo | Kisaku Oroken

"Still not used to people calling me sir. Please, sit." ​

​

Kisaku straightened stiffly at Aaran's request before he slowly walked across the room. The way it had been arranged was much different than what he'd expected. The soft, warm aroma from the tea filled his senses as he lowered himself onto the cushion across from Aaran. It helped to ease his tension somewhat, even if he did fret about what was still to come.​

​

"Tea?"​

"Please," Kisaku responded softly. When Aaran filled a cup for him he encircled it with his hands, feeling the smooth warm porcelain against his hands. As Aaran continued he only listened, the tea steaming beneath his face. His words and his apology peeled at the walls he'd built up even more than the soft welcoming environment did. He didn't know that Aaran cared so much. The quiet revelation stirred a soft pain in his chest. Not once did Kisaku even consider doubting him. His sincerity was so earnest, the feeling he radiated... Like an older brother visiting him when he was sick. Something he couldn't claim to have felt before.​

​

Then the question came. Although he was direct, it wasn't forceful. He just cared enough to ask.
"So, let’s just get down to things. How are you feeling? You seem to be still rather rattled after Ziost. Would you care to tell me what's been on your mind?"

Kisaku's fingers tightened around the cup for a moment as he tensed, hesitation gripping him. He could deflect; Aaran's tone said that he'd accept whatever Kisaku had to say. He could just avoid this altogether. Last chance.

"I had a vision on Zoist," Kisaku said in a soft voice, struggling for a moment to find the words or perhaps the will to proceed. "Lucien and Auteme were dead and it... Broke me. Ever since, when I reach out to the Force there's this, this darkness inside of me reaching back." He said, his voice dropping to a soft whisper. "--And when it grabs hold it's like I'm there all over again -- like when I woke from the vision. Filled with.. Fear, and pain like I'm-- like I'm some kind of cornered animal, fighting for my life again and I can't control it."​

​

He seemed almost there now as his words stumbled over one another, reliving some of that pain even as he relates it to words. He remembered the rat on Jakku. The one he'd killed in a haze of fear and panic before he'd even realized what he'd done, and a shudder ran through him.

"I can't control myself, Master Tafo, a-and I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll hurt people or worse." ​

 

[Aaran Tafo]

He listened; cup of tea close to his lips to hide the slight frown that developed as Kisaku began to talk. He had looked over the reports, checked the story with Auteme. And it did match up. It was probably due to the simple fact that Kisaku was not used to exposure to one of Carnifex's potency. The young Padawan's ability to see through the force, normally a boon, was turned against him as he tried to stare into the abyss.

It was unfortunate that the glance had affected him so badly.

"That's a fairly natural reaction."

For all the issues he was having. Kisaku was not broken, he was not some outcast or freak. What he was going through was something that many Jedi encountered at some point during their journey. How to deal with such powerful emotions when they arose within you. It was only unfortunate that the encounter left him with more scars than most.

"I remember my first encounter with someone like that." He said, thoughts drifting back to his first encounter with Kyrel Ren. "Could not sleep for a week afterwards." He understood, he could relate and most importantly he was making sure that Kisaku understood that it was okay for him to feel like this.

"Fear is built into all of us, it is an integral part of life. Fear is instinctual; it's meant to keep us safe. To be alert, to be focused, to help us push through potentially deadly situations." He said, shrugging slightly. "But, if you rely on it too much, you can’t pull yourself out of that fight or flight mode. Your brain gets locked into it." He frowned, pieces of the puzzle fitting themselves together. "I don’t think Carnifex opened you up to the dark. So, I want you to disregard any nonsense you're thinking of being tainted or anything. He just messed with your fight or flight instincts."

"That's the danger of fear. That is how the Dark takes hold of you. You stop being able to use reason, logic, empathy and basic self-awareness." He reached out a hand, patting Kiskau on the shoulder. "But you're braver than you know."

"The fact that you were willing to open up to me is testament to that." He said, arm pulling back and taking another sip of his tea.

"So I want you to tell me."

"What do you want to do about it?"

Kisaku Oroken

 

[Kisaku Oroken]

Coruscant Jedi Temple, Training Room
Kisaku Oroken | Aaran Tafo

Explaining himself as painful as it was was somewhat therapeutic. Even as he spoke he could feel a weight lifting off of him, even if he worried about what Aaran made of all of this. With all of that out in the open he was vulnerable and worried about what came next.

"That's a fairly natural reaction."

Aaran's statement surprised him. As he began to explain how Kisaku listened closely, his fingers slowly loosening their grip off of the tea cup clutched between his hands. Reassurance filled him as Aaran addressed the problem, unwittingly assuaging pain that Kisaku hadn't bared openly. The lack of empathy involved in killing that creature as he did, the loss of control. The words Aaran said made sense to him. One nagging thought kept him from complete reassurance: what if Aaran was wrong? He hadn't been speaking metaphorically when he said that it felt as though something was lurking inside of him. Some pit of inner darkness - a seed waiting to pervert his perceptions - twist his world into something darker. Always just out of sight, but it was there just waiting for him to seize the Force, to creep along the threads of the tapestry to seep into his mind. Perhaps it was just fear left by the most traumatic event of his life, but perhaps it was something more.

He was jarred out of his own thoughts by the hand that was laid on his shoulder.


"But you're braver than you know."

"The fact that you were willing to open up to me is testament to that."

Kisaku's lips tugged upwards very briefly. A small muted smile of gratitude. Some part of him felt that no matter what the case was, maybe he wasn't a lost cause after all.


"So I want you to tell me."

"What do you want to do about it?"

He hesitated for a moment, drawing in a deep breath as his hands tightened around the cup again. He hadn't yet taken so much as a sip.

"That's the thing -- I don't know what to do about it, sir." He said, the anxiety of it managing to reach his voice. "I would do anything not to feel like this anymore, even if it meant going back to how I was," A hopelessly naive padawan, deceiving himself about his own pathetic nature. "If it meant I didn't feel like a bomb waiting to go off on the people around me... Anything would be preferable. I just don't know where to even start to change things."

The desperation in his tone was nothing but genuine. He hated feeling like this.

 

[Aaran Tafo]

He slowly took another sip of his tea as Kisaku continued to exposit himself. The Padawan was panicking. These new emotions welling up inside him were alien and terrifying. Everyone felt angry, everyone felt fear. But whatever Carnifex had done, it seemed that he had dialled the more aggressive parts of Kisaku's brain up to eleven. He refused to consider the notion that there was something inherently tainted about his student.

Such a stance would only work towards making Kisaku feel more isolated, like he could not turn to anyone for help. He needed to dispel any of those notions that the troubled young man might be feeling. "Well." He began, putting down his teacup. "It’s not uncommon to have feelings like that, but they do happen sometimes. We are still people with all the virtues and flaws that comes with the package." The main issue here was control, having these emotions was fine, but giving into them would bring the Miraluka nothing but misery in his future.

"It is in my opinion. That the opposite of emotion is reason. I think it might be a decent idea if we can get to grips on how exactly these things manifest. So you can recognise the warning signs yourself." He said, nodding once. Giving the Padawan what he hoped to be a reassuring smile. The gesture unnoticed by the blind person. But Aaran's presence in the Force simply radiated concern.

"I think it was pretty auspicious that you learned the Lie-detecting technique on Manaan." He said, taking another sip of his tea. "Asking questions of yourself can lead to some pretty insightful answers."

"So. Kisaku. I'd like to try a bit of an experiment to see if we can get a bit of a better handle on these feelings of yours." He said, placing the teacup down and picking up the small table to move it to the side, now leaving no barriers between the pair. "Try use that technique on yourself. Look inwards. And see if you can describe those emotions as best you can. Anger, fear, hate. They usually require stimuli of some sort. So if we can find out if its entirely artificial or if it is amplifying what you already have. It can give us a great deal of insight on how to best deal with them."

He made a small motion with his hands. "And dont worry. Nothing will leave this room or either of us. This is a safe place for you."

Kisaku Oroken

 

[Kisaku Oroken]

Coruscant Jedi Temple, Training Room
Kisaku Oroken | Aaran Tafo

Kisaku listened quietly to Aaran's words. His suggestion; exactly what he had been afraid of during his stay on Manaan. Back then, the idea of getting concrete answers about himself was terrifying. He didn't want to know the truth because he feared the worst.

"And dont worry. Nothing will leave this room or either of us. This is a safe place for you."

With Aaran here though, that fear was lessened. It felt like if this was the first step towards getting over this then he had to do it.

"I'll try." Kisaku said, his voice full of trepidation. He drew in a deep breath before pushing it out, his exhale shaking with nervous energy that he did his best to calm. He did his best to push fear aside, push away thought. He focused on the tapestry, how he the threads connected him to everything. To the floor, to the tea, to Aaran, and let himself grow roots through it all. He anchored himself, and began to listen.​

​

"I don't know who I am anymore... And it frustrates me." His voice came sliding from his lips, the words emerging without conscious thought. He knew the truth of it as he spoke the words. It was.. Something, not as scary as he thought it might be. So far he hadn't confessed a desire to eat babies or anything.

And so he continued.

"On Ziost I realized... That all I had ever been doing is pretending. That's who I've been for the longest time, a pretender. I'd pretend, and imagine with each kata and spar that I did, or that I won, that the praise that came with it defined me. That if enough people told me I'd grow into a guardian, be strong and protect the weak that I really would."​

​

"When it came time to be the person I wanted to be, that I'd convinced myself I was, I could do nothing. I am not strong, or brave, I don't know if I ever can be. I'm a coward and I hate myself for it. When I awoke on Ziost to fight the great pretender, it wasn't hate for him that pushed me forwards. It was hate for how pathetic I was, hate for the thought that Auteme and Lucien had died because I wasn't strong enough to stand beside them. Even now that I know that they're alive, I wonder if she could have picked a better padawan. Someone did die to Carnifex' hand that day. If there was someone better in my place, maybe they wouldn't have."

He felt himself on the verge tears as it finished. His chest rose and fell unevenly, and he brought a hand to his nose to sniffle in an ugly-cry manner. There it all was. Fresh in the open. He'd had the realization once before -- during the dream perhaps but... It had been buried. Buried with all of the trauma he'd experienced that day, perhaps overlooked as a problem. The more he pulled away from conflict, the more he hated himself for it. The stronger the darkness became. A self-fulfilling prophecy he was utterly trapped in.​

 

[Aaran Tafo]

He sat there and listened, hands on his lap. Brow furrowing with every word that Kisaku spilled out from his chest.

The honesty was good. It was through the acceptance and realisation of these feelings that one could acknowledge them and move on. A deluge like this offered immense insight to one's own issues. The pain and distress the Padawan felt right now would be temporary. The wisdom he gained from understanding his own feelings would last forever. Shuffling from his position, Aaran moved himself, no longer sitting across from Kisaku, but instead beside him. Arm throwing itself around the smaller man's shoulder in a display of physical affection. Offering comfort to the distressed younger man.

"So, you think you're not good enough?" He murmured, tone gentle as he simply gave the Padawan a pat.

"I'm sorry, but that's stupid. You're plenty good enough."

Truth.​

The technique was still active. Even if it was aimed inwardly, Aaran was close enough and broadcasting his feelings openly enough for the technique that the Selkath taught Kisaku to be able to pick up the note of honesty in him. That the Jedi Knight did believe that the Padawan was skilled. That he was capable of being a protector.

"To put yourself on that level is unfair to you. It was your first time in live combat. No one blames you for freezing up."

Truth.​

"I fought him myself not too long ago on Bespin. I was lucky to make it out alive. Everyone who went there knew what they were getting into. " His grip on the Padawan's shoulder to reassure him.

Truth.​

"You may think otherwise. But personally, I think everyone here is glad it was not you who died that day."

Truth.​

He was valued, he was loved. He was not some outcast or tool to be thrown away. He was there, here in his home. Surrounded by those who cared for him. He would not be abandoned.

"We'll get through this. Alright? We're here for you."

Truth.​

Kisaku Oroken

 

[Kisaku Oroken]

Scene: A Training Room within the Coruscant Jedi Temple
Starring: Aaran Tafo | Kisaku Oroken
Kisaku tensed at first as Aaran moved by his side. His shoulders tight as he lay that arm around him. And yet with each statement the older jedi made, his form trembled. The walls that were so firmly built up around his fragile, damaged identity had been cracked throughout their conversation together.

Now, they crumbled with each statement Aaran made. He wrapped his arms tightly around the older jedi, hugging him as he broke into soft sobbing. It wasn't sadness that had overcome him, but a deep mix of emotions. Stripping those walls down and rendering himself fully vulnerable, waiting for words that would validate his deepest fears - like a criminal willingly laying their neck on the block to await the headsman's axe. It never came.

"T-thank you..." Kisaku finally managed in a whimper.

"I don't want to let you d-down.. I-i don't want to let Auteme down, anyone down. I j-just want to do better."