A New Dawn (Mantic)

[Rafeesh]

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oTbyENpX58

It had been a day since he had been brought to his new room, not even that only a few hours and a night. Already Rafeesh was feeling the feeling of... goodness? He could not really think of another word to describe the emotions and the sensations that were brought up here. Of course he could have attributed it to the good nights rest, the bed here was far superior to anything he had previous slept in, in over four millennia.

He had already taken to moving the furniture to best accommodate his preference. The desk now sat in front of the window, kept open most of the time. The bed was along the wall with the head in a corner with the desk only being an arm's reach from it. He left a space along the opposite wall for a proper bookshelf, at least he hoped to get one. He was still debating what he would put in it, aside from Jedi texts and his study material.

He had donned the new Jedi robe, gently folding his old Sith wear into a neat pile on his bed. He had spent half an hour just watching the clothes, wondering what he should do with them. Part of him knew that they were a temptation and should be kept from him, while another part didn't want to see the last remnant of his past to slip between his fingers. His lightsaber, which he still held in fond memory even with the darkness that had permeated within it. It had been his lightsaber, the same one he had used as a Jedi and then later with a few adjustments as a Sith and now it was gone.

He was not upset with this, he understood why his Masters had taken it from him. But that did not stop a faint feeling of longing to once more hold it in his hands. It was the same with his mask. It had not been his as a Jedi, but it held memories good and bad. It lay atop his Sith clothes, he was going to bring them before his master [member="Mantic Dorn"]. He wanted to know what to do with them.

Today would be his first day as a Jedi, at least after his time in stasis. He was to meet his master in the gardens, though Rafeesh expected that that would only be the beginning place of a trip. Though He did not know, it was not his place to yet. So he carefully picked up the neatly folded pile of clothes and the helmet and carrying them in one hand made his way slowly to the garden. It was still early in the morning, but there were already Jedi up and about. The sun was only beginning its path along the sky and Rafeesh looked forward to this day.

 

[Mantic Dorn]

Outside in the gardens Mantic sat on a green patch of grass, surrounded by trees he was very still. His mind and body attuned in meditation as he waited for [member="Rafeesh"] to arrive.

He had many thoughts on this newfound relation between him and his newest padawan. The responsibility even weighed slightly heavier then it used to given the special circumstances surrounding the padawan.
Because of this he had stayed up late last night, studying and searching for words of wisdom from past masters that had found themselves in the same situation.
There had been much to read and he had missed several hours of sleep. He used his meditation to catch up and remain focused regardless. Today was an important day for [member="Rafeesh"] and Mantic was determined not to let him down.

As he finally sensed the padawans approach Mantic took a deep breath and slowly climbed out of his trance.

Then still as if meditating he questioned:
"I trust you slept well padawan?"

 

[Rafeesh]

"As well as could be expected."

Rafeesh had tried to fall asleep as quickly as possible last night, trying not to allow his thoughts to stray into regret or over thought of what he had done. Between the emotional stress and the moving about, he had found sleep easily. It had probably been a good thing, he might have spent all night questioning himself. He wouldn't have been quite as ready for today if he had not caught his rest.

He took both hands under the clothes and held them to show them to [member="Mantic Dorn"], or at least give him a good view that it was all there. He asked, "These are the clothes I have been wearing since before my time in stasis. I am sure there is some taint in them. I wanted to hand them over for you to decide what to do with them. Master."

He was slightly uncertain whether he should hand them over. He still felt attached, even though he knew that as a Jedi there should be no attachments. He saw it as a point where he would have to grow.

 

[Mantic Dorn]

Mantic stood and faced [member="Rafeesh"] as he held out the bundle in his hands.

The sith garment was as a clear symbol as the jedi robe. While many considered it just clothes Mantic did perceive its importance as such and did not dismiss his padawans concern around this.

"I will take of them." he stated and accepted them. While not reveling it he would later store them with other items affiliated with the dark side in the temple. One day, when [member="Rafeesh"] was ready he would return them to him to allow its fate be decided by its former owner. For the duration of the day the bundle
found its place in Mantics back pack.

"Now padawan, walk with me." he instructed and strapped it unto his back.

"Tell me, do you recall the jedi code?" the question was asked while their steps took them through the garden and toward the main gates leading outside of the temple grounds.

 

[Rafeesh]

Rafeesh would have said his thanks for [member="Mantic Dorn"] taking the clothes, but once more Rafeesh felt emotions kicking up within him. He understood the need of control. He was part of the Jedi Order now, emotions had to be controlled and contained. He knew that he would grow beyond his attachment to something so simple as clothing. He had probably already thought this, but it was his last connection to a galaxy gone by. He could not hope for other Jedi to truly understand, he didn't even know if this was a common occurrence, he certainly hoped not. He wouldn't have wished this fate on his worst enemy. To be taken from one's time and thrown into the future without consent.

Rafeesh followed his master slowly, walking slightly behind the man. He tried to think, tried to remember the code. Such an ancient thing. He hadn't recited it... probably since before he had left the Jedi. He could remember learning two variations, a requirement that his master had given him. Most of the other Jedi he had known had only known the more generally accepted and then well known version. He wondered if the Code had been changed during his time in stasis. He could remember that the longer and more eloquent one was younger, created sometime before or during the Great Hyperspace War. At the time the Jedi had thought the newer one younger, but given his new view of history Rafeesh saw that both were quite old, having only had a short time in between the creation of both.

"Emotion, yet peace? Passion... yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death... I am sorry, I do not remember anything more than that." He felt that he had failed already. The day had just begun and already he was showing how much he had forgotten. He knew that he had come here to learn, but it still annoyed him that he remembered so little.

 

[Mantic Dorn]

The walk took them both out from the sheltered courtyards and gardens of the jedi temple on Ossus. He felt the uncertainty in [member="Rafeesh"]
He had been through allot. More then anyone really could understand. Still, Mantic felt that he could not make any exception because of it. His new padawan must be trained and prepared for the life as a jedi knight without doubts. And thus formal lessons was going to be necessary.

He listened intently as [member="Rafeesh"] recited the old code, almost to the end.

He nodded him along as the walked further into the nearby forest.

"Good Padawan. You have recalled the jedi code in its purest form." he answered. "Do not be alarmed if memory has failed you somewhat. The carbonite state is not something we can neglect and it has most probabvly both affected your affinity with the force and your memory. In fact, your memory is impressive as it is." he tried a smile at [member="Rafeesh"] to ensure him that there was no ill-thoughts from his master at this point.

"The Jedi code is just words in itself. But if you bring them into context they start making more sense and can in time be your greatest ally when facing the darkness. And as you know, the darkness will not be afraid to face you, nor any other defender of the light. Hence we must create shields to fend ourselves from its lures."

The walk took them along a path dwindling through tall trees and lush vegetation.

"The code is one of the greatest shields that you can wear in this eternal struggle. Remember that when the time comes for you to be challenged anew." he looked sternly at [member="Rafeesh"] making sure he was paying attention to this.

"The code you recited was the original one. But others mantras exist alongside it. While over time great jedi have tried to improve and perfect the code one can not say that the original one was wrong. It is the very foundation from where the others were created."

"Now, think on what the code should mention. Why does your phrase feel incomplete? Give it a few tries. Try to complete it.

"Death, yet...?" Mantic turned his face forward again motioning for his padawan to pick up the trail of words.

 

[Rafeesh]

Rafeesh would have agreed with his master, he did need formal lessons. He needed to be broken down and taught as a padawan again, if not a youngling. He was in need of that treatment, to break down his pride as well as to help him relearn his role as a Jedi. He could remember the older better than the newer, partly because it was shorter and more direct to the point. One thing he remembered that had always somewhat annoyed him was the fact that the Jedi Code seemed to lack the progressive lines that the Sith Code had. In the Sith one line led into the next, whereas the Jedi seemed to have this Code that covered all bases but did not have the flowing feeling.

This was all irrelevant at the moment as he listened to his master. That did explain why the Force had felt so strange to him. When he had first awoken he could remember not understanding why the Force had seemed to abandon him, it had felt different and far off. Perhaps a side effect of the Cryo stasis. Whatever the reason he was glad that [member="Mantic Dorn"] seemed to understand. He felt no ill will from his master, he felt only hope.

A shield. He could recall something like that during his time as a prisoner of the Sith before turning. He had tried to call upon his teachings to help him. However, that had not been enough. He couldn't explain why it had not. But he knew that it had been part of the reason that he had continued so long as he had. He could attest to the strength of the words when put into context and reminded of the Force. He hoped he would not fail next time he was challenged in his will.

When asked to try and continue and finish the code his mind scrambled for a moment. It was after that initial reaction that he pulled himself under control and tried to think through the question. He first tried to think through the Jedi way. He could almost remember that central part, that core. What was it? It was part of their everyday life. He felt almost furious at the fact that he could not name it.

Then it struck him, he remembered the most important factor to the Jedi. At least he thought he did. "The Force?" He was uncertain, though the two seemed to be the opposites and yet connected, like all of the previous parts of the code. That reminded him that he believed he had missed something. There was another part of the code he had missed, but this he could not place.

 

[Mantic Dorn]

The two of them had now exited a tree line and approached an aera with a cliff rushing deep below.

He smiled and removed his back pack. Once placed on the ground he turned to his padawan.

"Yes, the force." he nodded. "It is the center piece of our existence, of everything's existence. It binds us together with everything you see around yourself. As you most likely recall the force is not something that is created within you to be delivered to a target for a special reason. It is already there, what you do is that you effect the pattern that binds it to you. In time one can bend larger patterns or follow threads far away from your bodies physical location. Perhaps you have experienced this in your previous life."

Mantic started to search through his back pack for something.

"The force can not die unless the entire universe is destroyed, and thus, neither can you... nor I." he grinned and pulled out a small pouch from the back pack.

"Since I have had the pleasure of testing your skills previously my padawan..." he tried to lighten the mind of [member="Rafeesh"] somewhat and show him that their previous duel, where they had tried to actually do that, kill each other, was not something forbidden to speak about.

"... I know that you already have skills worthy of an experienced padawan." With those words he handed over the pouch to [member="Rafeesh"]

"Do you see that ledge? I need you to climb up there and position yourself on that boulder that is hanging over the edge of the cliff. Once up you are to stand on the smaller rock resting ontop of the boulder." Mantic pointed the way. the rock on the boulder was a small thing, making it hard to balance on it with both feets, possible but hard.

"Once you have gained balance let me know."

Mantic strode of to the side of the boulder and positioned himself on the grass beneath it. He crossed his legs and took in the scenery.

He was aware that he might be overestimating his padawan and thus was prepared to leap and catch him should he fall and slip toward the chasm bellow them. But never the less, this was part of being jedi, to trust in the force and to not abandon its challenges when peril rouse.

 

[Rafeesh]

Rafeesh was somewhat ashamed at mention of the battle. He didn't take pride in his abilities in that regard. He had used his power and abused it. He had betrayed those that had taught him to be as strong as he was. That made his power and his strength no longer a side worthy of being proud of. He was thankful that [member="Mantic Dorn"] made it apparent that he was willing to talk about it and Rafeesh wondered if perhaps he would ask about it at a later point.

He was somewhat surprised at the praise. That was not something he would have expected from a Jedi. He had tried to kill him and his master had had a definite advantage. No question about it. That was proven all the more by being called nothing more than an advanced padawan, he didn't see that as an insult.

When given a command Rafeesh looked to the spot indicated and was at first unsure if he could accomplish the feat asked of him. He decided to try, he didn't have much of a choice but that did not matter. He would work hard to prove himself worthy of the decision to take him as a Jedi.

He once more viewed the spot and the small rock he would have to get to. He slowly climbed onto the larger boulder and then spent a moment or two deciding how to get himself balanced on the smaller rock. He could feel a small puff of air and it seemed to draw him to the edge. He carefully looked down into the chasm it was deep. He wondered how far it was to the bottom, probably long enough to be able to think about what he had done before he died.

For a moment he had a thought. He could end all of this right now, jump off the edge and welcome death. Fate wouldn't be able to play anymore games, would not be able to disrupt his life anymore. He would be free. Perhaps he could even find peace in death, maybe see some of those that he had left behind. He could forget about his failures and accept his shortcomings. He would never have to fear for his life or his sanity. He could be free of his self doubt and maybe his guilt. All he had to do was fall, he could be free of the gnawing of hundreds of voices and nightmares. Never would he again fear the retribution of time on him. He could be free.

But that moment passed and Rafeesh was left wondering if perhaps that was some vestige of his former Sith self. He shook his head to himself as he moved himself onto the rock. He wobbled quite a bit before beginning to balance. For another moment he felt a compulsion to lead forward. In fact it felt like he was pushed, enough to throw off his balance and he could feel himself beginning to fall. For what felt like an eternity he seemed to be in that midpoint between falling and standing. Then he bent back and fell backwards, slamming down onto the rock. He sighed before standing and trying once more.

A minute passed before he at last believed that he had balanced fully. He spoke without turning to his master, instead looking out over the chasm. There was beauty here, though it was protected by danger as all good things should be. "I believe I have it."

 

[Mantic Dorn]

There was much hapening in the galaxy at this time. The Republic hard pressed by the sith onslought and the many disturbing rumors about jedi leaving their duty to the order.
It had troubled Mantic for a long time and he still sought answers to these things.
While having walked with his padawan these thoughts was partly burried inside him. He strived to be a clear and worthy trainer to [member="Rafeesh"] and did not want to be distracted.

As he sat down having initiated their first real training session Mantic had continued to clear his thoughts in a meditative fashion.
He closed his eyes and the thoughts about the bigger picture returned to him. Vaguely he sensed his padawans hesitate on the task at hand. He knew [member="Rafeesh"] still held doubt over his own ability inside him. It was what held him back from control and tranquility, to be one with the force. They would see through this together. This much was Mantic certain about.
But as he opened his eyes and turned toward the padawan he could not help but feel that sensation he had gotten when he had closed his eyes. His padawan was struggling with balance yet, he was proof of that despite all, the light could find ways even into millennia old darkness.
[member="Rafeesh"] was in fact a beacon of hope, even though he did not realize it himself yet.


He smiled and looked up noticing his padawan was focused and ready. Mantic took in his own realization about the former sith and cleared his throat.

"What I am about to ask you now might come of as strange, maybe even degrading to you. But I must remind you about your vow to trust in my instructions and do not question the practice in itself. Perform it to the best of your ability regardless of what it is." he continued instructing without moving from his position at the foot of the boulder.

"Keep your balance. Then take the pouch and open it. Do not move to fast. We got the entire day at our disposal. It is however important that you do not drop the content of the pouch."

"Let me know when you are ready."

Once the pouch was open, [member="Rafeesh"] would find a needle and a thread along with two small patches of cloth.

 

[Rafeesh]

Rafeesh listened, focusing his mind on the voice and trying to put his slight fear of falling, after all it was somewhat natural to fear heights, to the side. He wondered what his master could have him do that could demean himself. Rafeesh had been through so much, what could this be?

He focused himself again at keeping balance, feeling himself shake a bit as his mind wandered. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, the air was nice up here. He could remember his time on Alderaan, short as it was, all those years ago, there had been moments where the beauty of the planet came to him. Not so with his most recent visit. He had not taken the time to look at the surroundings, too focused on his mission.

Not looking down he slowly opened the pouch and carefully reached his hand in. He felt a slight prick as his hand came into contact with the needle. Rafeesh repressed the urge to draw his hand back hastily, instead slowly moving it out and looking at the small cut before putting his hand in again. This time he moved more slowly. He lifted out a piece of cloth, wondering what this exercise's purpose was. He then continued to pull out the other section of cloth, the needle, and thread.

Rafeesh was not angered so much as curious. Was this concentration related? Was he to sow, something he had only done once to be honest, while maintaining balance? He spoke, "I am ready."

[member="Mantic Dorn"]

 

[Mantic Dorn]

There was a bond being formed. Mantic sensed it and as [member="Rafeesh"] master he had to accept it.
The padawan was maybe not the kind he had expected to train. In all honesty it was a surprise to him to be standing here trying to mentor a former enemy.

Never the less, it was clear that the force was starting to spin its threads in between them. It was even going faster then with earlier padawans Mantic had trained, but then, none had the millennia old history that [member="Rafeesh"] possessed.

"Remember to not drop your tools padawan. If you do, or if you loose balance, you will have to climd down and fetch a whole new pouch from me. I got plenty with me though, so no fear." he patted his backpack.

"Now start with placing the thread through the eye of the needle. Once that is a success You must start sowing the two patches together. If you do not know how to sow, ask me and I will guide you."

This was no simple task and Mantic expected his padawan to fail. At least at some point the wind would snatch the cloth from him or his focus would fail and thus his balance break. But it mattered not, the purpose of the exercise was both to train force balance, but also patience.

 

[Rafeesh]

Rafeesh nodded to the chasm, actually aiming the gesture to [member="Mantic Dorn"], but not wanting to turn in case that threw off his balance. He gently tucked the pouch into the sash of his robes and then moved the collection of objects between hands as he decided how to go about this. The last time he had sown was to repair a piece of clothing, actually his original Jedi robes, which had later been replaced by the purple clothes he had then worn into his time as a Sith. That single time had been with a table and while sitting, the added difficulty of standing, balancing, and find manipulation of the thread made this task incredibly difficult.

Even so he was able to accomplish the first part uneventfully, the thread was safely through the needle before he focused on the actual sowing part. The two pieces of cloth sat one on top of the other in one palm while he used the other hand to sow as best as he could remember. While the offer of guidance would have been the ideal path, Rafeesh had wanted to show that he could handle himself. Thus he was sowing very poorly, worse than he had done the very first time. Each stitch was placed fairly far away from the one previous to it. For the first minute, and a quarter of a side of the cloth, Rafeesh seemed to be doing well. However his focus shifted as he felt himself wobble on the rock.

In that moment he accidentally pushed the needle into his hand instead of through the cloth. His hand instinctively pulled away, letting go of the cloth. Incredibly this occurred at exactly the same time as a puff of wind blew by, further making Rafeesh's focus shift to maintaining balance. The cloth flew from his hands and was a yard away before he realized that it was gone. In his momentary frustration he stretched out his hand, dropping the needle into his left hand. He called on the Force to drag back the cloth from the air.

He could feel for a second that the cloth had stayed stationary, perhaps even moving back slightly. Unfortunately his foot slipped off the rock, he lost control and fell to the boulder face. The air took the cloth and it disappeared over the edge or off into the distance Rafeesh could not tell. He was more thankful he had fallen back onto the boulder rather than forward into the chasm. He angrily stood and looked around for a moment, almost contemplating throwing the needle after the cloth. He could feel the darkness filling up within him, he could feel power there.

But it was a passing moment, the next he was pushing away his anger with closed eyes. He could feel a tear welling up, it never would leave him alone would it? After giving in he would never be able to live in peace in the light? Then again did not he deserve this fate for making the mistake the first time? No, he deserved much worse. That was why he was here, surely.

He turned and slowly climbed down the rock saying, "Sorry. I have failed." He stopped himself from saying more, fearing an outburst of obscenities in his emotional state.

 

[Sempra the Hutt]

Ignore - alt mayhem.

 

[Mantic Dorn]

Mantic shifted in his position. [member="Rafeesh"] was struggling with doubt. He did show a remarkable skill with both balance and the force but was affected by thoughts that hindered his potential.

As the padawan climbed down, burdened with guilt and shame Mantic felt a touch of darkness. He went grim but had known this must come sooner or later.

"No padawan. You have not failed. You are training. For the time being, You must trust in that I will know when you fail or succeed." was his answer.

"While the exercise is hard and I sense your frustration this is what you must do in order to proceed." Mantic continued offering his advice as he smoothed his robes over.

"You must abandon your self-pity and focus. It will not open the path to the light. Put yourself to the side and focus on the objective at hand. When you climb, you are not alone, there is the cracks and ledges that want you to use them, when you balance on top of the stone, there is the rocks center point that want to help you. Not spoil your balance."

"And finally, when sowing, there is the the needle that wish to guide your hand to help it fulfill its purpose, there is the thread that wish to become one with the cloth, there are two patches that long to be mended into one body." Mantic reached down his back pack and pulled out a second pouch.

"Do not focus on yourself but the environment and the force that binds you to it. You are but one piece to make this all happen. A vital piece for sure, but without the other pieces not even a full fledged jedi master can finish the task." Mantic paused allowing his padawan to ponder the words before he continued addressing another aspect of the session.

"The moment you feel anger finding its way into your heart padawan, then look at the two patches, the needle and the thread, and ask yourself if they will be helped by your fury."

Mantic, still sitting on the ground, lifted an open palm with a new pouch resting inside it.

 

[Rafeesh]

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ9NOV3KNpY

Rafeesh hesitated for a moment. He almost replied that he was not pitying himself. He had pride, not as much as some Sith, but more than some Jedi. He was not happy with being insulted so, even though he knew that it was correct. Part of him appreciated it, but that portion was buried somewhat deeply. It was a moment, during which he grimaced, before he walked to [member="Mantic Dorn"] and picked the pouch.

He looked at the rock, this time taking almost two minutes before he even moved to climb. He breathed deeply and felt the Force around him. He closed his eyes and tried to leave his body behind. He could almost see those cracks and minor breaks in the rock that his master had spoken of. He tried to imagine them helping, giving him friction to climb. He opened his eyes and began slowly making his way up the rock. He reached the top quickly and soon found the rock he was to balance upon.

He tried to focus on the rock aiding him in his attempt instead of hindering. He even imagined the wind keeping him balanced instead of fighting him. Even so, the occasional gust was problematic and did give him some difficulty in the task. When at last he was balanced he closed his eyes and allowed himself to focus on the Force. He centered himself, trying to push any harmful thoughts or distractions away as he hoped to continue. He tried to fill his mind with the thoughts of a Jedi, he was but a part of a greater galaxy. He was an instrument of light. At least he was trying to become one.

He would succeed, he would not fall to the darkness again. He would become stronger. Not in power but in will. He was certain that he would have tribulations, that was a certainty in this time of war, but he would not allow them to best him again. He would face his weakness and overcome them. He would be a Jedi. He would prove the Dark Side to be wrong and weak.

At last he opened the pouch and took out the new pieces of cloth. He dropped the old needle into the pouch. Before he did this he extracted the new needle and thread. Putting the two together was made slightly difficulty by a burst of air from the chasm. He held tightly though and put the thread through the eye of the needle before continuing onto the sowing. He tried to calm himself from finishing as quickly as possible. Before he had rushed partly from inexperience but then partly from fear. He would not give into the fear this time.

As the time went on he found that the air was less problematic than before. He could work the needle. Ten minutes after he began the two pieces of cloth were one. His stitches were not the best, but they did hold well enough that Rafeesh trusted them to be shown. He felt worn, strangely. But he also felt somewhat lighter, physically, as if a load had been lifted from his back. He carefully stepped down off the rock and jumped as cautiously as he could off the boulder. He held out the project complete in one hand and the pouch with the needles in the other. "You were right."

 

[Mantic Dorn]

The pattern was broken in [member="Rafeesh"]
He had gone through much and the more time Mantic had spent with him he came to realize this. The jedi did not pity him though, but he felt for his lost time. the time lost in darkness all those years ago.

As his padawan retried the test Mantic kept his thoughts to himself though. HE followed his ascension and his efforts and strain. At one point he expected another failed attempt. It had mattered little. Never the less it never came to it.
Instead his padawan had endured.

With this Mantic rose and turned to [member="Rafeesh"]

"Well done padawan. Now we shall return to the temple." he motioned for [member="Rafeesh"] to climb down.

"Take a good look at that patch my padawan." he added while waiting for him. "It is not only the outcome of a balance lesson. fore most it represents your power to mend."

Mantic then picked up his back pack, gave [member="Rafeesh"] a firm hand on his shoulder and with a nod of approval he started the walk back to the temple.
It had been a good start on the voyage set before them.

 

[Rafeesh]

Rafeesh held his patch open so that he could see his work. [member="Mantic Dorn"] had chosen his words well, Rafeesh felt another spark of hope ignite within him. The power to mend, to repair that which had been broken. That was something that he needed to hear and was gladdened to have heard it. He felt somewhat renewed, the light was a strength more steady than that of the darkness.

Rafeesh even more appreciated the nod, it had much meaning to him, perhaps more than was intended. But that did not matter to Rafeesh who was glad that he could see the work of some light in his life. He was overjoyed at this and this gave him strength to continue more than any dark thought would have. He looked forward to the next task maintaining the position behind his master as he had on their way to this start.

A few moments past and Rafeesh sobered much as he thought about what had to be repaired. How many people had he killed, how many more had he turned. The first question arose as he thought about that. Well not the first but certainly one he was burning to ask. He however kept his peace, staying silent as he was not certain how to ask. He feared that it was a question best not asked or one that would show him less prepared for the light than he wanted to be.