Feedback Aadihr 300th post feedback

[Aadihr Lidos]

It's still early but with how new I am to the format and medium I'd like to invite feedback on how I have been writing Aadihr.

There has certainly been ups and downs with my personal satisfaction of my own posts up to this point; I'd like to invite external feedback (actionable feedback especially welcome) so that I can focus on improving weak areas of my writing.

Any feedback on Aadihr - formatting, tone, inconsistency, vibes, story arc, anything really - is welcome.

Thank you!

 

[Kalen]

We've interacted maybe once in a faction thread, but I've seen you around a bit and I think I've gotten a pretty good idea of your writing style overall. Also appreciate that you seem like a chill person OOC who is easy to talk to. I like Aadhir a lot, he's an interesting dude and I'm intrigued to see where his story will go next.

But I do have a couple critiques. The first is that your character interactions don't always feel natural. For example, in Momentum and Mastery you wrote Jo'Han Felcado going from seemingly trying to be civil and de-escalate to trying to punch Aadhir all within the same post. You do hint at the violent history between them, and it isn't completely unfounded that they would be hostile to each other, but his reaction went from "I don't want to cause trouble" to "I'm going to punch you in the face" without proper buildup. It comes across as a rushed and forced attempt at creating a dramatic moment, and because it happens too quickly, it fell flat for me.

My advice is to take your time. That punch should've come at the end of the interaction, which should've gone on for longer than two posts. I like that Aadhir, despite having the moral high ground from our perspective, immediately starts taunting Jo'han. It shows that despite being a serene Jedi, he's still human and has lingering anger and resentment. Jo'han can also be quick to resort to violence, but maybe make it more clear that his initial attempt at calming things down was insincere? He needs to be more smarmy and gross for it to work the way you've written it. Will also make the eventual redemption arc (if that is what you're going for) more satisfying.

There's also the fact that you created a whole account to write a guy who, at least in this thread, probably should've been an NPC. I don't know what you have planned for Jo'han, but I feel like a lot of the problems I just described wouldn't have been a thing if he was an NPC you were writing within Aadhir's posts, or written by someone else and you were playing off of them rather than bouncing between subaccounts.

Oh, and I'm glad you changed your pfp so that Aadhir now looks his age. The original art you used had him looking like a teenager lol.

 

[Stevru Klamat]

I think it's too soon to call it. You need to do 300 more posts for me to be really sure about any input I'd have. (This is a joke)

 

[Connel Vanagor]

Agreed, not there yet. I LIKE Aadhir, but he needs a little more space in your head

 

[Diogo Talon]

Sup unc

Sadly, we've only interacted in a few threads and most of those happened during the holidays, so they were cut short due to LOA's and such. Which is a bummer because I was enjoying them. But I'll do my best to give some feedback.

First, I love Aadihr. He's a very sympathetic character, constantly wrestling with his own self-doubt and not being afraid to show his goofy side. I just want to be his friend. You've written him well and consistently. My only concern is the self-doubt stuff may start to feel a little one note.

I like that you're starting to expand on his backstory more. I'm watching with interest to see what happens with the new character you've introduced. Beyond that, I'd like to see how his exile shaped him and what sort of adventures he got up to in the Outer Rim. I haven't read everything you've written so maybe you have covered that to some degree, but I'd like to see more of it personally.

That's all I got. You been cookin' lately and I appreciate all the work you've been putting in. Hopefully we can write more together in the future.

 

[Azurine Varek]

Well hey!

Firstly, I should start with how much I love Aadihr as a character but I mean that should honestly be a given with the amount of things we've done together thus far! He's got a solid foundation and and is generally a kindhearted and gentle character even when he's on edge.

I'm not always the best at giving constructive criticism since I tend to look at only the stuff I love and enjoy, which isn't always the best habit to have so I'm definitely trying to change that. That said, here's a couple I think would be a really good benifit for you and your development.

1. More of an overall writing/formatting thing: There are times I've noticed that you frequently have paragraphs containing barely two sentences back to back (like three or four of them in a row) and while there is absolutely a time and place for the stand alone sentences cause I use that tactic plenty, it can take away from the emphasis you want to have with something like that to do it back to back, especially when a couple of them could have been one full length paragraph and looked a little cleaner. Not saying that as a "end all deal breaker" type thing, nor is it that bit of an issue, but it's something to look at.

2. With Aadihr, there are times when his characterization can feel a little inconsistent. I doubt it's done on purpose, but occasionally it feels almost like you don't know if you want him to be gentle or paranoid. That doesn't mean he can't be both, it just means it needs a bit more emphasis on the way the two traits are contradictory with each other and also coexist well rather than being stark contrasts that feel a little forced with the back and fourth. Of course, I don't see this happen very often so I don't really think it's an issue, just something to think about!

All that being said, I absolutely adore the character and I look forward to everything Azzie will get to share in with him as well as all the things she doesn't that I'll have the pleasure of reading as the stories go on! <3

 

[Braze Kai'el]

Need more before I can give proper critique. Over all I like his concept.