Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Approved NPC A'Baal

Status
Not open for further replies.
Senche_Banner_resized.png

Header1.gif

Intent: To create a companion that will bounce off Valrayne, juxtaposing her upbeat attitude and providing (hopefully) amusing flavor to RP
​Image Credit: Bethesda, the New Moon Senche (edited to look more edgy by me) Enamel Shard Necklace, Spacey background
Role: Primarily a travel mount and companion, secondary role as a guardian
Links: Thread

Header2.gif

Age: Around 600 GSY (Exact age unknown)
Force Sensitivity: Force User (While he was once an actual Sith Master, A'Baal's connection to his powers has been greatly diminished, leaving him with only a few basic powers, and his knowledge is now mostly theoretical)
Species: Felacatian
Appearance: A’Baal is a stately, majestic being the size of a horse. An enormous feline beast, his body is covered in inky black fur. His huge paws softly pad the ground and the long slender tail often twitches behind him as he walks. From his great furry head peer two bright, white eyes that seem to glow as they stare intently into your very soul. He primarily wears dark coloured barding, and will usually be seen lounging around near Val.

Header3.gif

Name: A’Baal
Loyalties: Begrudgingly loyal to Valrayne (thanks solely to their bond) but otherwise is wholly self-serving
Notable Possessions: He is a huge cat. He has little need for material possessions beyond his barding. He DEFINITELY does not have a ball of yarn and it is absolutely NOT his most precious thing. Don’t go looking for it, though.
Personality: Disdain. If one had to describe A’Baal in a single word it would likely be this. A once-mighty sith warrior now reduced to pack-mule, he has the age and wisdom to accept his fate, and the patience to bide and plot his revenge. In the meantime, however, while he cannot outwardly attack, he will let his mistress know of his frustration and general disapproval at every opportunity
Training: Training? A’Baal? The mighty sith lord of old? He used to command an army! He bent the very force to his will! He does not require “training”. (A’Baal is sentient so he understands all of his mistress’s commands. Because he is bound to her, he’s forced to begrudgingly heed them with great reluctance)

Header4.gif

Combat Function: Although once a mighty sith lord, A’Baal’s powers have been greatly reduced from the botched ritual that binds him to Valrayne. In combat he is purely a physical fighter, relying solely on the speed, might and natural weapons of his current form. He can be summoned to Valrayne’s side when she is able to focus and channel the force through her link to him, once there, he serves as her protector and guardian, literally placing himself between his mistress and danger

Force powers:

Strengths:
  • Giant cat: The felacatian war-form can be a terrifying sight. The enormous beast has all the strength and might 500lbs of pure muscle can give, the speed of four purpose-built limbs and a rudder-tail to allow him to outrun prey, and vicious retractable claws and teeth.
  • Stealthy: Creatures of the feline persuasion are naturally stealthy. Even the largest big cats are able to control every fibre of their muscular forms and silently stalk their prey. A’Baal is especially so, his sentience, wisdom, and combat experience allows him to employ the natural stealth of his form where and when it is most beneficial, turning him into a silent and deadly assassin
  • Sentience: A giant cat on its own can be terrifying, now imagine one that can think for itself. All the power of his war form can be finely-honed and aimed specifically at an enemy’s weak points, rather than solely relying on instinct

Weaknesses:
  • Unnatural state: The warrior felacatians naturally have two forms: their bipedal form that they most commonly use, and the war form. While A'Baal can traverse easily in either, he never cared for the savagery of the war form, and thus, never trained for combat in it. As such, he is no longer the highly-trained master of combat, and is forced to rely on his tactics to best his opponents
  • Diminished power: The ritual that brought A’Baal into being left him cut off from the vast majority of his force powers. It frustrates the great cat to no end that his abilities within the force have been reduced to speaking telepathically with his mistress and the ability to move things his paws can't otherwise hold
  • Persistent Injury: During the ritual that bound him, the mighty felacatian warrior was pierced in his side. Because this happened during the binding, the injury persists, leaving him slightly weaker and slower on his left side
  • Can’t Strike First: Valrayne’s top priority when performing the ritual to get A’Baal was that he wouldn’t immediately turn and kill her. She was successful… perhaps a little too successful. The mighty cat is completely unable to strike out against anyone or anything unless they first land a strike against him. This makes protecting Valrayne a difficult and sometimes painful endeavour… and he absolutely ensures she’s aware of this

Header5.gif

Shard.png
I used to be feared and revered. My very name once sent ripples across the planet. I was the alpha and the omega, the tempest on the horizon. I was the nightmare that drove you to tears. I was the darkness to which you awoke. I was a storm.
And now… I’ve been reduced to this.

In the end my death did not come from where I had expected. I had not been bested on the field of battle, nor felled in a one-on-one duel of honor in the courts. No. I passed in my sleep, from a poison that even I had not been made aware of.

That was not how it was meant to go. I was dissatisfied with my end; with the way my legacy was undone by a servant with a drink. Time lost all meaning and it seemed as though I wandered the field of blades for eternity. Perhaps I did. The chaos and destitution were my torment, a far cry from the order and serenity of my empire, but they became my comfort. Eventually, I found I had a place there.

Then… Valrayne came.

Her ritual was messy and unpracticed, chaotic and bizarre. Neither of us were entirely sure how or why it even worked. Much to my contempt, however, it did. Now I am bound and compelled to serve her, watch over the kitten while she slumbers, carry her like I’m some beast of burden.

But few are more familiar with sith sorcery like I, and I know that fighting these bonds are useless. So, for now, I bide my time. It’s easier simply to serve her, to serve and to plot. I have become the very servant that got so close to me so long ago. One day I will serve Valrayne a poisoned drink of her own, and drag her back to the Netherworld to repay me.

But until then, my Mistress calls, and I must answer.
 
[member="Valrayne"]

He's very clearly a good kitty! Can I also say that I love the header images that you did? The artistic elements of this sub are striking!

There are just a few points that I feel ought to be addressed before moving this submission along. If you'll permit me:

#1. Image Credit. You did a fantastic job with the edit on the foreground element, and I can clearly match the foreground element to the original on the provided link. But what's not clear is where the background came from, as I don't immediately identify a match on that page. Could you please clarify that source for me?

Valrayne said:
Force Sensitivity: Sith Master (While he was once an actual Sith Master, A'Baal's connection to his powers has been all but severed, and his knowledge is now mostly theoretical only)
#2. (Refer to quoted text, above). This section of the template isn't intended to capture the how the NPC uses the Force, but whether where they fit on a set scale. All your points above are appropriate for mention in the submission, but for the purposes of this particular field please select one from: Force Dead, Non-Force User, Untrained Force Sensitive, Force User if referring to the Beast Companion template. In the alternative, if you want to use the Individual template (which does break out into Apprentice, Knight, Master) then we'll just need to tweak the remaining fields to match. Just let me know your intention or preference there.

Valrayne said:
Strengths:
  • Stealthy: Creatures of the feline persuasion are naturally stealthy. Even the largest big cats are able to control every fibre of their muscular forms and silently stalk their prey. A’Baal is especially so, his sentience, wisdom, and combat experience allows him to employ the natural stealth of his form where and when it is most beneficial, turning him into a silent and deadly assassin
Weaknesses:
  • Unnatural state: Although felacatians can naturally shift into their war-form, A’Baal had always had such contempt for doing so. Besides this, he has been effective dragged back from the netherworld and stuffed into his current form. Not only is he eternally bound in the quadrupedal shape, but it is not his preferred shape, and as a result he’s not as fluid in it as other large cats would be
#3. (Refer to quoted text, above). This one is just a suggestion, but I feel like the juxtaposition between these twin aspects of the submission could benefit from some further clarification. One the one hand, I get the impression that A'Baal is preternaturally disposed to perfect stealth. One the other, I get the sense that he is awkward or unfamiliar with his "monster cat" form. Could you elaborate more on the ramifications of his being in an unnatural state in terms of the impact to his physical capabilities?

Valrayne said:
Combat Function: Although once a mighty sith lord, A’Baal’s powers have been all but severed. In combat he is purely a physical fighter, relying solely on the speed, might and natural weapons of his current form. He can be summoned to Valrayne’s side when she is able to focus and channel the force through her link to him, once there, he serves as her protector and guardian, literally placing himself between his mistress and danger

Force powers:
#4. (Refer to quoted text, above). I would like you to incorporate the ability to teleport into the Strengths and Weaknesses for the submission. Specifically, I would ask that you detail the extent or limits of his teleportation ability. Can he teleport repeatedly? Is there a limit to the degree to which he could do so without rest? When you say that he can teleport to a place that he has been previously, is there a range or limit to that?

So that you understand why I am asking the above, the Codex Rules state that "NPCs with: sensitive information/knowledge; unusual, rare, Master ranked or excessive powers; large amounts of resources such as military, technology; or a wide spread area of influence- should have further exposition, solid intent, and particular attention paid to the balancing of strengths/weaknesses to prevent your sub from being reported in an RP." (NPC Creation Rules).

I believe that the Force power that you have linked here (Teleport) falls into the above category. On the Wookieepedia article, itself, it states, "Teleportation was a rare Force ability..." As such, I would ask that you think of how that specific aspect of this submission is a strength and articulate a balance to that ability.

Thank you for your patience and please let me know if you have any questions. Please tag me once you have had an opportunity to make your changes.
 
[member="Zardu Hasselfrau"] Hello! Thank you for judging my submission! Apologies for all the mistakes, I'm still very new at all this.

1. Added what I hope is the OG source for that other picture. It's apparently used often for space quotes so this was the only I could find that wasn't someone's blog
2. Aaaah I totally misunderstood that, I'm sorry! I adjusted his rating to just be a force user, I hope this is okay!
3. I altered the wording in the weakness here. That's a good point, sorry I made it all confusing! The idea is meant to be that he can move around as a cat fairly normally, but the quick-reflexes require for combat aren't quite as smooth a they'd be for for a practiced, seasoned fighter
4. Sorry about that! I just removed it. Now that I think about it, he'll be more fun without it anyway

If I missed anything or if there's more please let me know and thank you again for your time!
 
[member="Valrayne"]

This is fantastic example of a first submission. I truly appreciate your patience as we work through the review.

I believe I have only one further comment:

Valrayne said:
Weaknesses:
  • Severed from the Force: The ritual that brought A’Baal into being left him cut off from the vast majority of his force powers. It frustrates the great cat to no end that his abilities within the force have been reduced to speaking telepathically with his mistress and teleporting her out of danger
In light of the removal of the Teleport ability, I would suggest re-wording this last sentence to say transporting her out of danger.
 
[member="Zardu Hasselfrau"]

Thank you very much, I hope it wasn't too much trouble!

Oh no, I've been outed for not proofing my work properly... Thank you for catching that! fixed it up. :)
 
Greetings [member="Zardu Hasselfrau"] and [member="Valrayne"]!

I love your art. Plainly put, it's fantastically pretty and adds just a little touch of mystery to this companion. The history in first person is a nice touch too because it adds a lot of insight to his personality. That being said - There are only a few little pieces to look at, mostly phrasing, before I can pass it through.



Concerning Phrasing of "Severed From the Force" - These screen caps are the sections we'll be looking at:

83ab75b5adb6b7dca154c475b384e56a.png

ac9208e9391b5faa6f6d099ceb838c31.png

00bed839056b8be457661cddebc8df62.png


This section has already been clarified some, however, the wording is still a little confusing. Stating that his powers have been "all but severed" imply that he should be cut off from them. It could be easily confused with the effects of an ability called "Sever Force" and I'm not certain if that was how he lost his gifts or if it has anything to do with it. Being "severed" is only partially true. He seems to be cut off from "most" of his Force Abilities but not "all" of them. (Telekinesis and Telepathy respectively.)

The "Severed From the Force" section in red is better at explaining, but, the title of the weakness itself is definitely misleading. The part at the end talking about "transporting" her out of danger is still also somewhat unclear. It could refer to him being a mount but in the context of the weakness it seems like it still may be referring to Force Abilities. I know that wording was taken from the suggestion from above but you might want to clarify a further. Just a couple words goes a long way.

Ex.) "It frustrates the great cat to no end that his abilities within the force have been reduced to speaking telepathically with his mistress and using mundane skills as a mount to transport her out of danger."

You can fix most of this confusion fairly easily just by phrasing it differently. His Force Abilities are "vastly diminished" or something of that nature over "severed" from the Force.




Otherwise that's all! This is a great piece and I hope to see more soon! Please tag me when you're finished or if you need any help/clarification. Here to help!
 
[member="Srina Talon"] hello! Thank you very much for pointing that out! Sorry about the confusing wording. I changed it all to hopefully make it a little more coherent and consistent. Hope this is okay!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom