Approved NPC Aegis Security Personnel

[The Red of Sinner]

http://www.deviantart.com/art/Mass-Effect-Eclipse-Mercenary-WIP-277486496
Name: Aegis Security Personnel
Intent: To create a rental personnel security personnel for companies, political parties, and those who feel the need for security in general.
Affiliation: To whoever is renting them, they are loyal only to their paychecks, and ASF, and since ASF holds no political views on the galaxy, that means whoever in the most finest terms.
Availability: Uncommon
Quality: C - Trained
Type: Security
Strength: 150

Description: With the galaxy being such a big, bad place for some of the under, and upper dogs, security is needed in places where the common folk, and guests are not allowed. Aegis Security Firm took their first steps by gathering various small time mercs, and turned them into regular full time employees. They have been give the training needed to keep one, or more targets safe, including zones that require patrolling, areas that need watching, and the ability to coordinate standard evacs if needed.
Understand these people are trained to take down your common thieves, robbers, and attackers of that sort. They are NOT military units, and probably can not defend against such units. They can fly most ships, and speeders, they possess the most basic comlinks and HUDs in their helmets, and use decent weaponry and armor. They are best served with a small squad or larger, and work well with other security details, and the lot. The above average security missions usually requires the whole unit, while they can also be divided up with lower key missions being 25 individuals, above that 50, and then the higher security missions taking two full units.
Armaments:
Durasteel Heavy Armor - http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Durasteel_heavy_armor
DH-17 Blaster Rifle - http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/DH-17_blaster_rifle

Links: N/A

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

Under review

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

This submission checks out for the most parts. I only have a few suggested edits, mostly related to grammar. Once they have been dealt with this should be good to go.

Intent: To create a rental personnel security personnel for companies, political parties, and those who feel the need for security in general.

This entire line does not need to be in bold. Could remove bold on anything but "Intent"?

Affiliation: To whom ever is renting them. They are loyal only to their paychecks, and ASF, and since ASF holds no political views on the galaxy, that means whoever in the most finest terms.

One, it's "whomever". Secondly, the correct word here is "whoever". I offered some other suggestions in red as well. However, I'd like for you to try to rephrase and simplify the last sentence. Especially "that means whoever in the most finest terms" doesn't make much sense in the context of the sentence.

Strength: 150 all together.

Do you mean to say that the total force of the Aegis Security Personnel is 150? If that's the case, availability should be "Unique" and not "Common". ""Common" would imply multiple 150-sized units. If you just mean to say that there are 150 individuals in one unit, then "all together" is redundant and can be removed.

security is needed in places where the common folk, and guests are not aloud.

Should be "allowed".

They have been give the training needed to keep one,

Should be "given"

They are NOT military units, and can not probably defend against such units.

Did you mean "can not properly defend"? If not, could you rephrase this please?

they possess to the most basic comlinks and HUDs in their helmets

Probably an oversight after an edit, but "to" can safely be removed from this sentence.

There are quite a few comma mistakes here. If you could read over your submission once more and remove any unnecessary commas, that would be great.

Thanks

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Darth Pyrrhus"]

Sorry on the late respond, yea I was very tired when I made this submission. As you see I meant one word, and ended up with another. I'll edit these.

Also about the 150, I can have MORE? O>O

Like...five companies of 150? that would be... 850 all together cause I hate math, and Im probably wrong with that number.

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

Also about the 150, I can have MORE? O>O Like...five companies of 150? that would be... 850 all together cause I hate math, and Im probably wrong with that number.

5 x 150 = 750. I would change the availability to "uncommon" for that. The availability doesn't really speak to the quality of the unit (though it's often related to it), just how many of those units exist.

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

Can I get a status update on this submission?

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Darth Pyrrhus"]

Sorry I was getting other characters made for some stuffs. Making the edits right meow.

How many would you suggest I make??

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

How many units? That's completely up to you and depends on your intent. You don't have to state the exact number. "Availability" is a general estimate on how many units like this exist while "Strength" refers to the exact size of a single unit. Units with "common" availability are your mass produced troops, foot soldiers, stormtroopers etc. "Uncommon" are usually your veterans, specially trained troops etc. Perhaps in your case "uncommon" would be appropriate, but ultimately that's up to you.

 

[The Red of Sinner]

Hows that??

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

I am not sure what it is you are asking. Why my recommendation is "uncommon"? This depends on the intended size of your organization. My recommendation was based on the assumption that their numbers would be lower than an army, but still large enough to be able to respond to multiple contracts. If you rather would just have one single unit, list it as "unique". If you want to keep the number low to just a handful of units, list it as "rare". Again, this is entirely up to you and depends on how you intend to build this Aegis Security company.

 

[The Red of Sinner]

Availability: Uncommon Quality: C - Trained Type: Security Strength:A total of 525 Low Security - 25 units Average Security - 50 units Top Standard - 150 units High Security - 300 units

[member="Darth Pyrrhus"]

Edits made

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

Strength:A total of 525 Low Security - 25 units Average Security - 50 units Top Standard - 150 units High Security - 300 units

When total strength is listed as "525" and you say "High Security - 300 units", it looks like Aegis Security's High Security team consists of 300 units, each the size of 525. That number doesn't really add up.

Based on what it looks like you want to do, I have a suggestion. How about you do the following instead:
Since you've described this as their standard size, list only 150 under strength. In the description, state that this is the full size of a unit, but on low security missions they would only send 25 individuals. On average security missions, 50. Etc. For high security missions, Aegis would send two units (150+150=300).

Let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks

 

[The Red of Sinner]

@Darth Pyrruhs

I like that, makes a lot of send, I'm at work now, ill make the edits later today!!

 

[The Red of Sinner]

[member="Darth Pyrrhus"]

There ya go, edits made n.n

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

Grand! Almost ready to stamp this one for approval. Just one tiny thing left to address:

while they can also be divided up with lower key missions being 25 units, above that 50, and then the higher security missions taking two full units.

Use a different word than unit. One unit equals 150 individuals. Deploying 25 units for lower key missions does not make sense. I understand you don't mean 3 750 here, but to avoid confusion this will need to be changed. Replace "units" in the area marked red with "individuals", "people" or something similar.

Thanks

 

[The Red of Sinner]

@Darth Pyrruhs

BAM! Edits made.

 

[Darth Pyrrhus]

[member="Romeo Sin"]

Much better!

BAM! Approved, pending secondary

[member="Valiens Nantaris"]

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

BAM! Approved.