Private Afraid of Your Own Shadow

[Ishani Dinn]

Aboard the Leviathan, Ishani was brushing her teeth. In the ‘fresher mirror she could see the reflection of the partially open door to her right, and through it into the room beyond. Occasionally Arcturus would walk by, passing through the crack, in and out of her field of vision. She could sense his presence as he moved about, too, but something about seeing him with her own eyes kept her… well, it was more comforting, she supposed.

They had left Ossus rather worse for wear, at least as far as she was concerned. Fighting a Jedi Master will do that to you, even if they had outnumbered him three to one. Their numbers would’ve been greater, but two of their companions had refused to get involved, remaining neutral parties observing the battle from afar. Two acolytes possessed by unaffiliated spirits from the Netherworld...

Turning on the sink, she finished what she was doing, but then paused, her gaze still fixed on the crack of the door. She could still faintly smell Chthonic on herself, even though hours had passed. The candylike scent refused to go away, and no amount of scrubbing her wrists would completely get rid of it.

She stepped out of the ‘fresher in silence, turning off the light.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

His little Jellyfish ship had never felt quite so homely to him as it did in that moment, free from the unyielding grasp of Ossus and away from the mayhem which had ensued upon its surface.​

​

Happy to let themselves float for a while, he hadn't been too concerned with plugging in any specific coordinates. Toward some new task or another, sure, but not with haste, or specificity, just leisure. Weren't they owed a little leisure?​

​

Arcturus turned from the project he'd been staring at, parts of it scattered upon the desk he stood before, and peered toward Ishani as she exited the refresher. He smiled, though the scent of her perfume wafted toward him and brought with it some concerns he'd had to squash down in the heat of the moment.​

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"Hey you," he said, as though they hadn't seen each other for some time which was obviously not so.​

​

How did one broker such a conversation?​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Ishani was already headed toward him when he noticed her presence. Seeing him turn around, she quickly put her hand behind her back, though for a split second he might see that whatever she was holding, it was small enough to fit completely inside her clenched fist. She certainly didn’t look guilty—she smiled at him, clearly hiding something.

“Just the person I was looking for,” she said, as though they weren't the only two people on the ship. As she drew closer, the sweet scent became more noticeable, though not strong enough to be overpowering. Given her hobby of making perfumes, Ishani tended to smell quite different from one day to the next. She would avoid wearing one she knew was disliked, but in this case it was just the faint leftovers from hours earlier clinging to her.

“I have something for you.” Opening her fist, she held out her open hand to him. A small vial containing a clear liquid lay in her palm. “It doesn’t really smell like anything, until you put it on—and then it’s supposed to bring back a lost memory. Something you’ve forgotten.” She hesitated. "I made it with you in mind, though you don’t have to take it if you don't want it."

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Ishani was being not so subtle about hiding something from his sight, and ordinarily that might have completely enveloped his attention and had him forgetting what it was he was about to say. Not this time though, in fact he made a very conscious effort to reiterate what it was he was hoping to speak with her about over and over in his mind, some might argue obsessively, as she spoke and stated that she had in fact been looking for him.​

​

Not that it was hard to find him, of course, it was a turn of phrase after all and likely not meant literally given the circumstances, but still.​

​

"There's something we need to discuss," he interjected as smoothly as he could, moments before she opened her hand and revealed the vial, then explained what it was she had for him. Something she'd made with him in mind?​

​

Well now that had two things lingering in the air between them, both had said their initial piece, made it known that they had something to talk about, or show, or try, whatever the case might have been. Surely that meant he could stop obsessing over it now right?​

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With this in mind, he peered down at the vial of perfume, and then rather gingerly took it out of her grasp, inspecting it for a moment without a word. What was there to say? There was plenty that Arcturus did not remember from the days of old, before the Sith and Maliphant had entered his life. It wasn't even hazy memories or uncertainty, just... an empty void. As though the memories had been torn right from within his brain.​

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Arc swallowed, turned the vial this way and that, then finally looked back to Ishani.​

​

His mouth felt like cotton.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

“Oh, uh...” Ishani blinked as Arcturus took the vial from her hand. Now they were in a rather awkward position. The look on his face made that much clear. He no longer knew how to proceed, and neither did she.

“Sorry, didn't mean to cut you off there,” she said. Resting her now empty hand on his arm, she gently led him to the bed, where they could sit down next to each other. She sensed that he had something serious on his mind. “What do you want to talk about?”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Arcturus allowed himself to be led to the bed, and therein he sat and continued to stare down at his hands and what lay cradled within. Was it worth it to pry? Would the perfume conjure up much of anything at all, or would it just echo the emptiness of his mind? Which would he prefer..?​

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He didn't rightly know.​

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Nor did he know how to approach what he wanted to say.​

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One hand reached out to take up hers, holding it for a moment as the war within his mind raged. Then he sighed. Best rip off the bandaid, right? Or else the sense of the unknown would only linger overhead for the rest of the night.​

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"I, uh..." He inhaled through his nose, and that sweet candy scent had his nose wrinkling. He wasn't even sure if it would be all that bad a smell if not for the implications of it being worn. "Why do you hate him so much?" The question was uttered at a volume barely above a whisper, and his gaze shifted once toward her before falling back to the bottle. ​

​

" Kal is my friend, you know? He was there for me when I wasn't even there for myself, he helped me realize that I needed to come back to Korriban, to face what I'd done." Kal might not have actually said anything of the sort directly, but just having his company while they explored strange temples on Salis Sterili had done wonders for him mentally, reminded him of all he'd been leaving behind by fleeing.​

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Besides, he really did enjoy the Shadow's presence.​

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"I just... I feel like I'm being made to choose between the two of you. And, that... Well, it hurts, Ish..."​

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He'd listen of course to any reason she might give, any superstitions against spirit-kind, and the like. He wasn't even sure if it was going to change anything, but he'd had to speak on it. It was eating him up inside.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Her face fell as he spoke. She fidgeted, the palm of her hand rubbing against the mattress. Kal. He wanted to talk about Kal?

She hadn't even known they were… well, she’d inferred that they were on friendly terms. She'd just underestimated how close they were, apparently.

"Oh. Um." She fished around for the right words. "I don't hate him personally, although he is a little obnoxious. I just… don't trust anything that possesses people's bodies."

Her first introduction to Kal and Dis had been the pair of them occupying the bodies of other acolytes, wearing them like clothes. It didn't matter whether it was consensual or not—the idea simply didn't sit well with her.

"The perfume I made doesn't hurt them, it repels them. Keeps them from trying to take over my body. It's just another form of protection. It keeps me safe." Or at the very least, it made her feel safer. "I really don't want to ever lose control of my body. That's it."

She'd dealt with that feeling before, with her sickness. It wasn't something she wanted to revisit. Medicine helped her, so would the perfume.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

On some level it made sense. Maybe his perspective was skewed because he knew the Shadow, and had some minor understanding on how they operated. At least how ones like Kal operated. Could he blame her for wanting to protect the sanctity of her body? Of her soul? No. But at the same time...​

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"He isn't going to possess you Ish, ever. Willing participants, and hollow shells - clones. That's it." He gave her hand a light squeeze. "I just... Imagine how you'd feel if someone sprayed something that kept you away from them, that made you feel weird and not yourself in their presence. He's a Shadow, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings."​

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Arcturus couldn't even imagine how isolating it must have felt. Whether Kal truly minded or not he didn't know, but the mere thought that he might had set the boy's mind a flutter. "I love you," he whispered, as though it were some great secret, "Truly, I do; but part of loving another is being comfortable enough to raise difficult subjects. Is there... Is there any way I can help ease your mind about this whole thing? At least insofar as Kal, and Dis, are concerned?"​

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Other Shadows?​

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Other Shadows Arcturus didn't give two feths about. Heck, maybe it was best Ishani did wear her perfume around others. But it felt different with those two. Friends didn't want to see other friends shunned.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Only clones and hollow shells. Well, she supposed that was sort of comforting, but Kal wasn't the only Shadow at the Academy. Kal's friend, Dis, had been riding around in an acolyte's body. There'd been talk of an upcoming trip to the Netherworld, and she knew Arc had been there before. Who knew what they might encounter in the Nether?

"I just... Imagine how you'd feel if someone sprayed something that kept you away from them, that made you feel weird and not yourself in their presence. He's a Shadow, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings."

"I wouldn't really care, to be honest?" She shrugged. "I'm used to people avoiding me."

Oof. Did she really just admit that out loud? She'd said it so casually, too. Mainly because it was all in the past, a relic of her childhood. But while she’d long since buried the hurt, she could still remember it.

Sighing, she muttered, "Forget I said that. I get it. But Kal isn't the only Shadow at the Academy, and I like to be prepared. If it's just Kal next time, maybe I won't bother to wear it."

Then came his whispered words. Her heart beat a little faster. "Oh, are you trying to manipulate me, mister?" she asked with a smirk and a wagging finger, not really being serious. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were fixated on his. She was screaming on the inside, he just said he loves me, he loves me, HE LOVES ME. Had he ever said that before? She couldn't recall it if he had, and she was certain she would've remembered such a significant milestone.

"I love you too," she said. Had felt it for a while now, but had been too scared to say it for fear that it was too early. "And, uh... I dunno. You've done enough. Clones and hollow shells doesn't sound so bad..." She started to lean toward him a little. "Could you, um, say that again? The part about loving me? 'Cause that, that would make me feel a whole lot better..."

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

There wasn't much more he could say on the matter then. Something of a compromise had been made, and while it wasn't perfect he couldn't expect her to leave all of her baggage at the door and pretend none of it existed. She had been raised in vastly different surroundings to he, her heritage and culture heavily formed who she was; he would not ask her to change, not for him. Just a little extra grace and mercy for one he considered a friend... Was even that too much to ask?​

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It hadn't occurred to him until she practically lit up at the words he'd spoken, that maybe he hadn't said such aloud before. He'd felt it deep inside, and when it was uttered it was said so naturally that it came across as being the hundredth time it had been said. Was that not the case? Had he just confessed to something he thought she was in the loop about?​

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Colour rushed into his cheeks, and the tips of his ears were suddenly aglow. More so when she leaned in toward him, and truly put an end to all talks of Shadows and Spirits and such.​

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He gulped, and glanced into eyes which appeared like meadows to him. Fresh grass, and moss... Thinking about it made him imagine the scent of it all, earthen and sweet. Just a trick of the mind, of course. Ishani's scent was always obscured by some perfume or another, and even if it wasn't he doubted she actually smelled like nature.​

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"What?" he said, trying not to choke on his words, trying his best to play it off as cool, "Hasn't anyone ever told you they love you before?"​

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He realized his mistake almost as soon as he said it. His eyes widened, and he shook his head quickly. "I uh, I mean..." Chit, there were so many ways she could take those words. Not only that, but she'd just said she was used to being ignored. Ahhh. Arcturus. Bad Arcturus.​

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Instead he leaned in, raising one hand to delicately cup her cheek. His eyes remained on hers a moment longer, intense and longing, before they closed and his lips met hers. He pulled back just a touch, enough that he could breathe life into those words she longed to hear. "I love you, Ishani."​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

The drydown of Chthonic—that is, what was left of it hours after application—no longer had that slightly artificial, candy sweetness. It was more loamy, like a forest after a summer rain had brought out the scent of wet earth and green things growing within it. An overabundance of life would shield her from the dead and the never-lived. In other words, Arc wasn’t tripping; she really did smell like nature.

But then Ishani had always painted something of a pastoral portrait. With her grass-green eyes, hay-yellow hair, and an Inner Rim lilt that stood in sharp contrast to the sophisticated Imperial accent of most acolytes, she looked and sounded, if not like a country bumpkin, then certainly reminiscent of a farmgirl. Never mind that she’d grown up in the suburbs.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you they love you before?"

“Yeah, but not like that…” Family members and one or two close friends, but that was it. He seemed to realize it was a silly question, which made her smile and pull him close.

He gave her what she asked for, and more. So much more. She didn’t want the kiss to end, though she felt like she was melting the second time he said it. Starry-eyed, red-cheeked and swimmy-headed, she gasped out, “I love you, Arcturus,” before taking the plunge again.

Her hand found his, fingers trying to entwine, only to feel the little glass vial still couched in his palm. “Oh,” she said, breaking off the kiss, no doubt to his disappointment. “Hey. I almost forgot about that.” She held it up before his face and hers, grinning. “Did I mention this is supposed to be a birthday present? I asked you earlier when your birthday was, and you said you didn’t know. So happy birthday—maybe it’ll help you remember.”

I love yous, happy birthdays—truly a momentous occasion, this was.

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Though short-lived, much too short-lived, the kiss was surprisingly intimate; neither side wanted it to end, and yet all the same it did. He blinked back to reality, having lost himself in the touch of her cheek, and the hand which tried to hold his, and the way in which her lips felt just right against his, and regarded her with something of a pout.​

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When she held up the bottle though, and said her piece, the pout was gone. Replaced by... Wait, were those tears prickling in the corners of his eyes?​

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He couldn't match her grin, though he wanted to, instead he just stared through the glass phial toward her. "A birthday gift..?" The words were choked out, his throat constricting as he felt himself overrun with far too many emotions to separate. When was the last time anyone had even acknowledged his birth? Much less seen fit to mark the day? Even Maliphant, for all the good he had done him, for all he had given and shared and taught, hadn't seen fit to just make one up on the fly. The records had stated no birthdate, so that had been that.​

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Somehow Ishani had seen through the bureaucracy of it all, through the need for sheer fact. She had done the unimaginable.​

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Arcturus buried his head within his hands to keep her from witnessing the unexpected wave of grief.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

Her grin faltered. “Wha—why are you crying? Arc!”

She reached out as if to touch him, then thought better of it. He seemed to be shutting down, coiling in on himself, hiding from her.

“Arc, I’m sorry if I—” But what had she done, exactly? Her calling it a birthday gift seemed to have brought this on, but she didn’t understand why… though she could take a guess, based on what little she knew about his life and how rough it had been. Maybe a memory-restoring perfume wasn’t the best gift, but she had hoped it would return to him something worth remembering.

While her thoughts were racing to figure it all out, Arcturus was bawling. His emotions in the Force were even more bewildering. For all intents and purposes, he seemed to be happy.

“Oh, goodness,” she finally muttered. “C’mere.” If he didn’t resist, she’d enfold him in her arms, stroking his hair. The raw sensuality of her touch was gone, replaced by a comforting tenderness more akin to what her mother had used to soothe her. “You’re welcome, babe.”

Arcturus Dinn​

 

[Arcturus Dinn]

Yep. He was most definitely crying. And it was taking him much longer than expected to calm down from it too. He knew that Ishani was trying to say something but he couldn't for the life of him figure out what. Thankfully her embrace did wonders toward breaking the spell which had befallen him, and he found himself in motion once more. Head turned against her, allowing himself to sink into her arms; the feel of her hand through his hair softened the weight of his cries.​

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"I've never, it's never," he couldn't quite formulate the right sequence of words to explain what he meant to say. He gave himself a few more moments, before trying again. "No one's ever acknowledged it before." Well Ishani had, technically, when she'd asked about it. But that had been a rather painful moment for him, even if he'd done his best not to show it. This was something else.​

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Arcturus pulled back enough that he could look her in the eye, then his hand moved to fold over whichever of hers still held the vial. "Today, then," he decided all at once, "From now on, my birthday... It's whatever today is." He didn't bother to check really, they could figure it out later, instead he moved to embrace her in turn. "Force, I love you, I love you, I love you..." Was he diluting the word? He hoped not, because in that moment each iteration of it felt more sincere, more intense. As though he was willing her to feel precisely how much the words held true.​

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Ishani Dinn ​

 

[Ishani Dinn]

No one looks good when they cry, the puffiness and tears and snot turning even the prettiest face into a ruddy mess. Arcturus babbled at first, incoherent half-sentences tumbling from wet lips. She held him close, wishing he didn’t have to go through this.

Ishani was no stranger to empathy, though she couldn’t help but find it strange and maybe even a little embarrassing when she started to cry too. Not to the extent he was, but her cheeks were wet and her vision blurry by the time he raised his head from her breast.

He declared today was his birthday from now on. She smiled through her tears, realizing at last the sweetness of it all. It was almost corny, but life needed to be a little corny every now and then, just like it couldn’t be taken too seriously.

As he took her in his arms, repeating his I love yous like a mantra or a prayer, she felt something quite different from the usual youthful passion they passed their days in. There was nothing playful about his manner now; it was needy, desperate to find recognition in another being, overwhelming in its sheer intensity. It disturbed her, but she wasn’t afraid as she lay back with him against the bed.

They’d been frantic before, their bodies obeying urgent instincts spurred on by hormones. This wasn’t that. It felt like a consummation, certainly more than their first night together had.

She set the vial aside, leaving it for later. Right now she had a better gift to offer him.

Arcturus Dinn​