After the Nightmare

[Jairdain]

Life Day was on them and Jairdain had no plans set to spend it with anybody. At least that was until she ran into Nicholas again. She extended an invitation to him to join her, at least for a little while. Now they walked through the halls of the Rest to reach one of the more quiet parts to sit and chat.

She enjoyed being out with nature and unless he had a different idea, Jairdain led him outside to some of the walkways there.

"I'm glad to see you here."

There was no deception in her tone as they walked and if he was at all as empathic as she was, then he would know she was telling the truth. If he didn't feel it, then he would be able to see it on her face. She still had not mastered any ability to lie well. Not having sight was sometimes a weakness. But she used her sight to her advantage.

It gave her the ability to see into the real person under the facade they showed the world.

"What happened to you, Nicholas?"

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

Nick had some plans later, but as for now... Well, he hadn't really decided. So he took Jair's offer to find some place alone to walk and just... Reminisce, he supposed? Everything that he would ever reminisce would be painful, so he didn't see much point to that, but if in the past one could find clues as to where one should take their future... Or at least just vent things out to have them heard, he wasn't against catharsis. So as the two would step into the walkway, he wasn't surprised when Jair would ask him what happened to him.

"When you met me, I was only half of myself" He would explain calmly. "I have been a Sith for most of my life, was taken from my bounty hunter's group by a man named Lucian and then trained and taken advantage of by that constantly image-changing schutta Circe Savan."

Even now, he still wanted to kill her. That'd never change.

"But for years now, I realized deep down that for all this power... It's a pair of chains. There was no freedom as they claimed.

Peace is a lie. There is only Passion.
Through Passion I gain Strength.
Through Strength I gain Power.
Through Power I gain Victory.
Through Victory my chains are Broken.
The Force shall free me.

A hock of chit, is all that is" The former Sith would growl. "Passion can come in a variety of ways, is something my brother taught me... The Sith only see one side of it. Which makes them blind. And made me blind. That passion didn't make me strong... It made me more and more blind. It was my inability to feel anything that made me strong, my ability to cause destruction without remorse, just... Desire. But while it made me strong, it made me empty.

What sort of victory is that?" He asked. "A victory for the dark side, perhaps... A pair of chains, is all that it is. Something that controls you, influences you, makes you do things while thinking it's all you, all your desires... But they're not your desires anymore. They're the desires of the dark side, with your empty shell being manipulated to think they're yours.

But that's all I was. An empty shell. And I knew it. I couldn't control myself anymore, and the dark side lashed out anytime something reminded me of that fact. It lashed out at anything that might help me, my brother included, for years. It took far more to finally admit that I wanted to be free... Because that hock of chit Code states that my chains will be broken... It's lies. All of it. They chain instead of breaking them. They take away your freedom instead of giving it. It was something I wanted to be free of... But it never let go. I was a prisoner in my own body, a prisoner in my own head."

It hurt, it hurt dearly to talk about this. But if she felt it might help to talk on it...

"My brother... He... He understood. And he did something that I never would have expected anyone to do. At the time, I knew who he was. He was the penultimate Jedi. He was the epitome of the light side. I could feel it radiating from him with every encounter wildly like a beacon. But in our last one... I couldn't anymore. I didn't think about it at the time. I was so consumed by the dark side's desires to destroy anything or anyone that might bring me back to my senses again as he had for a short while before... I saw nothing but rage, anger, and a desire to destroy.

But then he defeated me handedly, using the dark side. He nearly killed me, too. This too, I thought, was the dark side's will. For me to bring out the darkness in someone stronger, who could carry out the will of the dark side in my stead. I found myself imploring him to finish me off, but...

He didn't. And it was there, when I looked in his eyes and he shared visions of those last few years he'd had... I knew.

I could feel all the pain, all of the agony, all that he put himself through, all of that suffering, to learn the dark side. He threw away that brilliant radiance, something he was proud of... And he did it for me. All to prove to me that it was never too late. That one could embrace the darkness... And come back. That one could walk away, still keep their humanity. I could tell that the experience had heavily damaged him, but... He was still him. He still walked away from it.

The shock of it all brought me back to my senses. I promised I'd try, and... That's what I'd been steeling myself to do. But... The Sith, they aren't the type to let someone walk away. They almost killed me, they tortured me, they took my memories away... And they made me a monster. A puppet. They made me the same tool that you met before. This has been me the last few years... Up until recently."

He looked himself up and down. "But this is me. This is the real me. This isn't a puppet... This is me. And it just feels... I'm not sure yet."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

In her recent past, Jairdain had needed to just talk to another person. That conversation had been one of the best in her life. Just to have a set of ears listening in the dark without any harsh words telling her just how bad she had been. She had made some very poor choices in her life, some forced on her while others she had done when her mind was a bad place. The person she spoke with never gave her any indication of good or bad and accepted her for who she was. Jairdain would offer that same thing to Nicholas.

Keeping silent as he spoke, at one point of his story, she turned her focus on him to a higher degree. He mentioned Circe. One woman in the galaxy they both knew and he wanted her dead. Not that Jairdain could blame him in the slightest. When he went on, she tilted her head to indicate she was still listening as they walked.

From what she knew of Josh he put his family first and then everything else. Duty was second and she knew this. They might have come from the same mould and she always ensured the safety of her son before anything else.

Something else he said, she understood pretty well. Her own memories had been altered by Krest and Josh had been there to help put her back together.

"You and I appear to have much of the same type of history with the Sith. Memory altering and not wanting to let go. They do though if you are lucky. Only Circe continues to be a problem for me. She is the only one that doesn't want to let me go and I'm not sure why either."

Nodding when he admitted he wasn't sure yet what or who he was, she held a hand out for him to take if he wanted.

"That is something you have to learn and maybe I can help."

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

"I will kill her eventually" He spoke softly, his brows twitching into a scowl at the mention of Circe. "I don't care where this life takes me. It won't change the fact I will have that wretch's head on my blade. She is the reason I am like this, she is the reason that I have suffered, and she took full advantage of the apprenticeship I was pulled into. For me... There will be no rest, no true peace, so long as I have to share this galaxy with her."

He took a deep breath. "As many of them as I can, the Sith... I will kill them as well. So many years, so many memories, so many opportunities... So much wasted, so much I have lost because of them. One way or another, I will make them pay. I will make them suffer, and I will blight them from this galaxy if it's the last thing I do."

He resented them more than anything else, the whole lot of them. Circe especially. And he would never let go of that resentment. Something that his brother likely knew... Which was why he knew he'd likely never be a Jedi. It just wasn't for him. He could never let go of this hatred, he had become of it. But he could learn to control it... And become something that the Sith would hate as much as he hated them.

"What do you propose, in regards to help?"

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

She was silent while Nicholas spoke. Jairdain could feel the different emotions swirling around inside him. So many of them were still negative, but in time hopefully, he would come to realize not to hold onto them so much. It had taken her a good amount of time, but she had learned to put her past to rest and look forward to the future. She had not forgotten her past as it had helped shape her into the person she was, but she didn't dwell on it. That was something Nicholas still needed to work on.

"You sound like some people I know."

Something to keep in mind to mention again when he had his head on straighter than it was now. Anything she suggested, she wanted him to really be able to think on anything clearly. Due to her own past, she also felt she would never truly be a Jedi again.

Lifting her eyebrows when he asked how she could help, she smiled a slightly bitter smile. Her look softened a bit as she gave the question some thought.

"Time is what you need and here there is plenty of time. You also need people to talk to and help figure out who you are, Nicholas. I am here and having been in similar situations as you, I might be able to help more than somebody else. It might also be easier to talk to somebody that is totally new to you. Get out and meet others, make friends. Someday, you will be an inspiration to somebody."

There was no doubt in her voice when she said the part of her statement. To Jairdain, she felt it would be a fact and was not uncertain about it at all. Nicholas would prove to be something to somebody. The same could be said of her. Asaraa relied on her as a friend, almost mom or even big sister. Someday that would happen to Nicholas and she just hoped to be around when that happened.

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

Even after he had escaped the clutches of the Sith, his anger still ruled him. And he knew that. He hated it. He despised it. Even if he knew that hate governing someone was the biggest trait of the Sith... He couldn't help himself. All he had ever known was to hate, to feel pain and anger. To want to hurt. He didn't know any different. But he would listen as Jair would say that he sounded like people that she knew. He wondered for a moment if they had been able to get past it... Even if he had yet to do so himself.

She suggested he needed time. Time to heal, time to talk to people and figure out who he was. She would then offer her own aid, and he would nod his head slowly, in some show of being grateful.

"Thank you" He spoke softly, letting out a sigh in response. He wasn't sure if he would be anything to anyone... But perhaps if Jair said so, then maybe he could. "How did you do it?" He asked quietly, unable to meet her eyes. "I sense barely any hatred from you, no rage, just... Calm. But for me... I am ruled by what the Sith have made me. And I don't know how to escape it. It is as if I never left at all."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

If Nick wanted, she would introduce him to her friends. Little did she know he would meet the leader later that day at the dinner at Josh's. Not pressing that on him though, she only offered to help him recover personally. She felt his thanks was genuine and he asked how she had been able to recover and put her past to rest.

"Allow me to show you."

Due to her being a mentalist, this was easy for her. If he allowed her to, she would take a hold of his hand and have it palm faced up between them. Lifting her free hand to hover above his, if he paid attention, then he would be able to see just what she had done.

From the time she met Josh and Valae, the conversation that happened that day and her actions after. Helping people to heal and the path that eventually took her to Commenor. How when she was there, she kept healing people. As the vision continued, she showed Nick as much she felt he needed. Hoping her story answered his question, she let go of his hand and looked up at him as she thought about her words before speaking them.

"To have emotions is to be human, Nick. There is no escape from that. You and I grew up with different lives and that might just be why I don't have the same anger you do. I too have had that same anger in me that you feel. It was directed at the Silvers. However, in their wisdom or folly, they welcomed me back. You know the rest of the story."

She would be a friend for Nick and give him any of the help and support he wanted. Many things would be up to him and where he went from here. Through the Force, she attempted to provide him a sense of comfort, welcome and a desire to help him. Everything she sent to him was real and authentic. There was no deception from her.

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

"I know this power" He spoke. "My brother used it on Mustafar. To show me what he sacrificed. To show what he'd done for my sake" He spoke as she would take him on a literal ride through memory lane. His brows furrowed at that. "And all I bloody did was get myself mind wiped, and bring him harm. And endanger the Rest with that stupid virus" He growled, the self loathing evident in his voice. He was starting to open up, albeit hesitantly. But he would watch the memory regardless. She healed, and she healed and she healed... Across the stars, and to Commenor.

She talked about emotions. And how they made one human. But she then said she had directed her anger at the Silvers... Only to be forgiven.

He wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Thank you" He spoke quietly, lowering his head then. "I... Wish I had been there, to be more supportive when you needed it when you were in my position. With the Sith. If I had my memories, I..."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

"I only know how to do it. I don't even know how I do it. Without sight, how do I project these images?"

It was just something curious about her. Though she had given voice to her question and thought, she did not expect an answer back from Nick. She listened to what he had to say and nodded her head in understanding. Lifting a hand to her own head, she tapped it lightly and lowered it.

"It seems that the Sith like playing games with the mind. My mind and memories were altered as well. Like you, I recovered mine."

Being the empath that she was, she picked up on his uncertainty.

"You did help. Your suggestion to me to get out and away worked. I should be thanking you."

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

He had said that, hadn't he? It had partly been to just get her out of his way in future assignments, but perhaps there had been something deep down that told him he didn't want to see her hurt further. Or perhaps he just felt it a waste of her life to be spending it where she did not belong, when she could leave. Regardless of what he knew or didn't know his reasons to be, it appeared that he had helped and she acknowledged that. He lowered his head slightly, unsure of if he had really done all that much - she had made the decision to leave herself after all - he nodded his head.

"You've helped me far more already" He spoke. "I have found it difficult to find people who would know what has been on my mind. Or who would understand. I walk the Rest and generally find scrutiny, and uncertainty. And I cannot blame them. I almost got them killed, twice, after all."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

"Sometimes just having one person in your life that can listen and be a friend is all you need. You and I have a history. That history is something we share and can use to make a future. Look, you helped me then, even if neither of us knew it. It's my turn. What can I do?"

Nick then admitted she had already helped him as well and she nodded. Listening to what he had to say, she wrinkled her eyebrows slightly.

"Who treats you like that? With the many different people we have here, I find that a bit surprising. Look we are allied with a government that is lead by a sith. Gives me the creeps if you ask me, but what control do I have? None. But I don't really want any. My role here is to support and not lead. You need to find where you fit and your purpose in life will become that much clearer."

She would be there to help him if he wanted it. It was something she felt the need and desire to do for him.

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

"I don't know names" He admitted, shaking his head. "But I see people's faces and I see fear. I see people looking at me for who I am - and that is a monster who might unleash another virus and turn the planet against them again. I am a monster, and they have every reason to view me with scrutiny. It is a lonely existence, but... It is what I deserve. I have hurt too many people over the years" He spoke softly, lowering his head. "I don't deserve their kindness, nor yours. Which makes it all the more important, yet confusing, that you have."

He needed to find where he fit, and he would find his purpose...

"I have no idea where I would fit" He admitted. "Not that I ever have, mind."

 

[Jairdain]

"I see. Do you know what I see? I see a man that wants a chance to prove to himself and others that he isn't who he was. You are not a monster that will unleash another virus, Nick. What you are is somebody reborn in fire and flames like a phoenix. Much like me, a new chance at life has been granted to you. Now the question is, are you going to seize the day and this opportunity or are going to let what you think you see hold you back?"

As she spoke, to emphasize her words, she pointed at him at certain points and motioned to herself and around her at others. Her tone was both serious and caring at the same time. Not loud, but stern enough not to be ignored.

"What makes you think you don't deserve my kindness or that of others?"

Jairdain had an idea of what his answer would be, but wanted to hear it from him. Then he stated he had no idea where he would fit and she nodded.

"That will happen when the time is right, no need to rush into that choice."

[member="Nicholas DragonsFlame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

Somebody reborn in flames like a phoenix...

He listened to what she had to say with a curious ear. He needed help. He knew that. His pride hurt to admit that, but he needed every bit of help that he could get and [member="Jairdain"] was the only help he was getting right now. As ridiculous as some of it might sound... He knew that he needed to listen to every bit of it with the most careful ears possible. The bit about rising from the ashes, being reborn... He wasn't sure what to think of that. Did she mean that he could have a fresh start if he tried to? No, that couldn't be it. There was no way to make people forget what he had done. And what he had done was unforgivable. He would have that stigma attached to him for a long time.

He'd have to earn a better distinction.

And then she asked what he had done to earn no kindness, and he looked her dead in the eyes. His words came as a whisper.

"I hurt people" He spoke. "I almost turned this planet inside out. The Rest had to be defended because of me. Lives were lost because of me. I endangered the Jedi, I endangered Kashyyyk's civilians, I endangered the younglings at the Rest... Everyone was in danger, and people were hurt, or worse... Because of me. I deserve death. I should not be here. House arrest is too good for what I've done. And that's just in the last few months... Not even counting what I've done throughout my lifetime."

 

[Jairdain]

"Do you know what I did when I was with the Sith, Nicholas? Not many people do know, but I attacked Commenor, Ossus which the Silvers still held at the time. Maybe I didn't put many people in danger, but I still could have done a great amount of damage. Playing around with the minds of people can cause many issues."

Because she had been touched by and used the Dark, Jairdain felt she could never call herself Jedi again. Nick felt it would take a long time for his stigma to fade, she didn't feel hers ever would. It was on a far more personal level than anything external.

Giving him a small smile, a hand motioned to the area around them and the festivities going on. Looking at him, she nodded before speaking. Her tone wasn't going to allow him to argue with her, not today.

"Nick, you are a friend and ally. Since you came, you haven't done anything poor. People are going to see this and remember. I'm not going say what you've done will ever be fully forgotten, at least not by you, but time will mend the wrongs and in time, you'll see acceptance. I promise."

[member="Nick Dragonsflame"]

 

[Nick Dragovalor]

"I've killed and killed for most of my life" He answered. "I grew up being raised as a bounty hunter. Dealing death is all I've been raised to do. I didn't care who I killed on that bounty list, and I didn't care who I killed to get there. But when I lost my hunting trope, I had no purpose. The Sith promised me purpose... And made me a monster that killed more people than I could ever possibly count. And now even as I try to do right... I have that recent thing on my record, nearly killing everything and every person here. They are right to distrust me."

But she was right on one thing. Playing with minds could cause a great many issues... He knew that very well.

But she promised that he would find acceptance eventually, and seemed to refuse to let this be an argument. So instead, he would simply nod his head.

"Thank you."

 

[Jairdain]

All in all, she had a good life growing up. Her parents had loved her and taken care of her needs. When the time had come, they had sent her off to learn about the Force and how to use it. Then things had gone bad for her and she found herself homeless, unknown and had to make it on her own.

She had to learn a new language and how to communicate with those that spoke Basic. Even now she still spoke with a slight accent, but even that was fading away.

"Make your own purpose, Nick. What do you want do and be?"

When he said thank you for her words, she hoped the last question she asked him could be answered in time. It wasn't something that needed to be decided upon tonight.

"C'mon. Let's go enjoy the day and then this evening at your brother's. Happy Life Day!"

[member="Nick Dragonsflame"]