Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Approved Species Alunrovaan

Status
Not open for further replies.
angel-ganev-10-3.jpg
Images: Angel Ganev


Name: Alunrovaan (Alua'an)
Designation: Sentient
Homeworld: Negosvern (Originally, prior to planet destruction); Currently Dispersed across the Galaxy at large.
Language: Tinvaok
Average height of adults: 1.6 Meters
Skin color:
  • Albino (No Pigmentation): 4% of Population
  • Pale, No Peach Tones: 36% of Population
  • Pale, Peach Toned: 60% of Population
Hair color:
  • Red
  • Platinum Blonde
  • Blonde
  • White (No Pigmentation)
  • Light Brown / Dirty Blonde
  • Muddied Green (No Keratin Pigment)
  • Dark Brown
  • Black
Breathes:
  • Nitrogen: Requires Nitrogen, in any of its gaseous forms, to breathe in place of oxygen.
  • Type: I, II, Some Type III (Nitrogen Rich only)
Strengths:
  • Muscle Density: The Alua'an species are a humanoid species bearing similar resemblance to humans, only that their muscular frame is more compact and dense. The degree of difference between the two species is substantial enough that the average Alua'an male and female are capable of outperforming their human counterparts in physical feats of strength by a margin slightly larger than the difference between an Anzati and a Human. The density of muscle mass is the compactness, or density, of the muscle fibers which form whole muscles and tendons. The greater the density of muscle mass, the greater a person's physical limits in terms of strength when speaking strictly of muscle strength are. In comparison to the tone, or definition, of muscle, density is something that is far more difficult to build and is generally a genetic trait, meaning that Alua'an are unlikely to increase their muscle density after they have reached full maturity, roughly around eighteen to twenty-one years of age.
  • Uzuur: The unique biological trait of the Alunrovaan is the uzuur, an organ which is not present in many, if any, other species across the galaxy. The uzuur is a small organ, similar in size to the appendix found in humans, with varying sizes depending on the overall size of the subject, which works to convert nitrogen atoms into an essential form of sustenance, capable of breaking the nitrogen-nitrogen bond found abundantly in most Type I and II atmospheres. An Alua'an's entire biology requires the uzuur to function, as its muscle fibers to its internal organs and so on all require nitrogen intake, it allows the species to adapt to less welcoming atmospheres, such as planets with low levels of oxygen that humans might require a breathe-mask to respire. Due to the nature of the filtering and conversion found in the uzuur, the side-effect is a higher tolerance to gaseous toxins and poisons that other carbon-based lifeforms might be intolerable to due to their reaction and bonding with oxygen - so long as a high enough amount of nitrogen in the air is present for conversion to take place. Their resilience to toxins are only applicable to inhaled toxins, while ingested and injected toxins would effect them as normal.
  • Regenerative Factor: Though there are a small handful of species which are capable of intense and spontaneous regeneration of entire missing limbs or even internal organs, or somehow maintain the ability to live without these vital organs, the Alua'an have a far more abbreviated form of enhanced cellular regeneration. Where a normal human cell would perform mitosis to reproduce and replace dead or decaying cells, resulting in a division into two new cells, the cells of an Alunrovaan instead grow, almost cancer-like, and then split from one cell into four. This special case, a double-mitosis of sorts, only occurs when the body undergoes physical harm to non-vital organs, and is scaled in terms of regenerative speed depending both on the severity of the wound and its size to the location. Damage to the outermost layer of skin alone (as in minor scrapes or very mild and minor burns) would be capable of regeneration in several minutes, varying on the surface area of the damage, while muscle tissue damage can take hours or even a full day. Bone damage recovery is far abbreviated in comparison to human recovery to such, but is still months of healing and recovery rather than quick like surface skin damage, like scrapes and minor cuts or burns. This regenerative factor is unable to cope with missing limbs and similarly intense wounds, requiring surgical and medical aide as any normal human or nearly any other species in the galaxy might.
Weaknesses:
  • Winded: Due to the nature of requiring nitrogen to breathe, rather than oxygen, this species suffers a delay in the vital delivery of nitrogen molecules to muscles and organs which means an Alua'an requires more breathing to perform a strenuous task than a human would - one breath perhaps powering a human to lift something heavy, in proportion to their own physiology, while two or three might be the case for an Alunrovaan. This is comparable to a non-smoking human athlete to a smoking human athlete, in which the non-smoker, or in this case the human, is likely to have more stamina and endure longer trials than the Alunrovaan. Due to the delayed delivery of their oxygen-substitute, Alua'an muscle tissue undergoes lactic acid fermentation at a faster rate than most other species that breathe in oxygen. This can also be attributed to the density of muscles in their biology. The main reason behind this delay is not the lack of nitrogen in the air, as it out-numbers Oxygen almost three-to-one, but because nitrogen atoms bond to each other in such a strong ionic bond that the uzuur is not able to work as quickly as human lungs to break apart nitrogen bonds as a human lung would break apart oxygen bonds. Wearing heavy armor, although possible due to such naturally denser muscle fibers, makes movement for Alua'ans especially difficult. Running or performing especially nimble feats of athletics while wearing heavy armor is relatively impossible for Alunrovaan to do naturally, without the assistance of cybernetics or other forms of aid.
  • Higher Average Weight: Due to the density of muscles present in Alunrovaans, the weight of their bodies are generally proportionately much heavier than that of the average human of the same height and build. While normally this wouldn't be a huge issue, it makes any task from swimming to day-to-day activities a bit more difficult, especially when other species are participating.
  • Underdeveloped Empathy: Not exactly a physical drawback, rather a mental one, the logical processing portion of their brains are more developed than their emotional and creative side, to the degree that over the course of evolution the emotional and creative portion of the brain has regressed in evolution and fallen behind even standard humans. Extreme cases of this are relatable to the "apathetic" trait found in some human serial killers, in that they have trouble understanding or comprehending emotions to the point that their minds might not even process them beyond very simple, basic, emotions such as anger. This issue is a very real concern among the species, prior to the destruction of their homeworld at least, as it effected as much as one in every forty Alunrovaan.
  • Ultraviolet Intolerance: Although sometimes exaggerated in old stories by elder Alunrovaan to younglings, the Alunrovaan species does generally have a distinct lack of pigmentation that results in a very pale complexion, with an extremely high rate of albinism in comparison to nearly every known species in the galaxy. Depending on the complexion of an individual their intolerance to ultraviolet light can vary from immediate first or second degree burns, as seen on albino members of the species, to a very painful and fast-appearing sunburn in those who have higher pigmentation, more specifically those with a "peach tone" in their skin. Ten minutes under a sun, or comparable source, which radiates ultraviolet light while fully exposed would be enough to form mild sunburns on the "peach toned" Alunrovaan - those with greatest amounts of pigmentation in their skin. Ten minutes for an albino Alunrovaan, however, would result in rapid atrophy of muscle tissue and skin due to the severity of burns that would appear, meaning a painful and slow death.
  • Shorter Average Lifespan: Due to the stress that rapid regeneration of cells cause to the body of an Alua'an, the average Alunrovaan only lives to around fifty years, forty years less than the current average human life expectancy. This can vary, depending on the amount of cellular regeneration that their body has been subjected to, but only by around five to ten years at best without outside intervention. Force sensitives, of course, have elongated life expectancies as they do in most any other species, but still far less than most other species. Members of this species that are children of inbreeding families, common among the Royal race, face an even shorter lifespan of 25-30 years.
  • Nitrogen Dependency: Due to the required intake of nitrogen, the primary element that the uzuur requires to carry nutrients and such to the rest of the body after initial intake through the lungs, and several other issues with the species' biology, an Alunrovaan is unable to breathe while in an area without sufficient amounts of nitrogen, comparable to humans and oxygen. Removing the uzuur would immediately kill the subject, and a lack of nitrogen would cause a sensation identical to asphyxiation.
  • Cancerous Growths: Due to the nature of the accelerated growth which precedes the mitosis stage of cellular regeneration, painful growths in the skin form that require surgical removal in order to avoid varying forms of skin cancer or blood cancer. These growths are common enough to occur in all Alua'ans at least once throughout their lives. If caught early it is as simple, though expensive, as having a cyst removed. If not noticed or left untreated for extended periods of time, however, the regenerative factor of the Alua'an will actually grow this cancerous growth into a tumor that will quickly turn into cancer and spread, requiring much more risky surgery and other forms of medical attention, and may result in death. Physical contact with these growths, such as bumping into something or being physically struck by an object/person, results in a debilitating pain that can temporarily cripple the Alunrovaan.
  • Inbreeding: Due to the traditional act of inbreeding families selectively to retain desired aesthetics, such as lighter hair and fairer skin, has resulted in a higher likelihood of unwanted genetic mutations. Members of the species that have a family history of inbreeding generally have higher intolerance to ultraviolet light - nearing double the normal intolerance of their skin type - and an inability to function in type I atmospheres, requiring breathe-masks to breathe on those worlds. Children of inbreeding tend to also have more tender bones and congenital heart disease, as well as much shorter lifespans - nearing 30 years of age.
Distinctions: The majority of the Alunrovaan population have petite muscular builds, in that muscular tone is usually less visible or noticeable due to the higher density of muscle, without outside intervention of steroids or performance-enhancing drugs. Men appear more effeminate, being more slender with narrower shoulders, and generally having a faster growing head of hair than most humans. Women generally are more inclined to be more "well endowed" in bust and posterior, as well as shorter in stature than their male counterparts. It is a common trait for most pure-blood Alua'ans to have epicanthic folds, often leading to a case of mistaken identity with Epicanthix. As far as eye color is concerned, the Alunrovaan can generally have any color of eye found in most common species, but tend to lean towards blues and greens, as well as hazel and dark browns. Concerning hair color, the most common is shades of dark brown, and the least common are true red-heads. Being born with platinum blonde or white, non-pigmented hair, is a sign of royalty or higher class, as those who have such hair colors can trace their lineage back to the original royal family of their homeworld of Negosvern. Unlike most humanoid species, the Alunrovaan are unable to mate with most humanoid species, including Humans and most near-humans. The only method which would prove fruitful in providing a mixed offspring between the two humanoid species would be in a laboratory.
Average Lifespan: Fifty Galactic-Standard Years (Normal), Thirty Galactic-Standard Years (Interbred & "Royalty")
Races:
  • Royal: Alunrovaan whom are born with platinum blonde or white, non-pigmented, hair are regarded as "higher class" or royalty, as they are able to trace their lineage back to the original royalty of the species during its infancy. This race persists almost solely due to inbreeding, as it is a recessive trait and not a dominant one, and because of that is generally prominent among pureblood Alua'ans who trace their genealogy back to the original royal family.
  • Fair: Alua'an who lack the peach tones to their skin pigmentation are generally referred to as "fair people", as they are lighter skinned than those with the peach tint to their skin.
  • Favored: Being the majority of the species, and being less intolerant to ultraviolet light, the Alunrovaan who have a tint of peach to their skin tone are generally referred to as the "favored". It has little cultural impact, in comparison to those of white or platinum blonde hair, but are less desirable to most men than fair-skinned people.
Estimated Population: Rare/Endangered (Less than 150,000)
Diet: Omnivorous
Communication: The common form of communication is verbally through the Alua'an language of Tinvaok, sometimes erroneously named Alua'an or Alua'anian by outsiders. This language is generally more guttural than Galactic Basic, and more difficult to understand.
Culture: The Alunrovaan have a culture that is saturated with a warrior-people mentality, in that the Alua'an people as whole appreciate more athletic and combat-inclined individuals over artistic and creative individuals. Due to this lack of creativity, perhaps ironic considering their inclination towards logic and reason, the Alua'an as a species are less technologically advanced as a culture and place little importance on the creation of technology. The species finds entertainment in gladiatorial forms of arena combat, where two or more Alua'an are subjected to near-death combat situations and fight each other for the title of victor, much like a tournament of sorts. Originally this was a form of slave-based entertainment, in which the "favored" were pitted against each other by the royalty and forced to fight to the death, but has since became a steady staple of entertainment for all races and classes of Alua'an.

The Alunrovaan is also a matriarchal society, in that the cultural institutions of government are primarily filled with women and they are seen as more socially powerful - this is perhaps lent to the physical similarities between the species' two genders and the more desirable physical traits in women than men, and a higher ratio of women to men. In contrast to their lack of technological focus, Alua'an value strategy and tactics in combat over brute strength, and a stereotypical belief that women are more level-headed in their society than men has left much of this respect to the gender at large. In regards to their minimalist religious beliefs, which do not revolve around deities but in omens and such, any Alua'an who is born with true red hair are considered to be fated as either the harbingers of destruction or bringers of salvation to their people, and the extreme rarity of such a hair color - a recessive trait in the species - keeps the amount of people considered as such to a relatively extreme minimum.
Technology level: Prior to the destruction of Negosvern during the Yuuzhan Vong war, the Alunrovaan were generally capable of technology that lagged behind, and often was considered outdated by then-modern standards. They were, for example, unable to produce hyperdrives on their own without outside help, and kept most advances suited for their subterranean lifestyles rather than venturing up to the surface. Those Alua'an that were able to vacate the planet prior to its demise adapted more to the galactic standard of technology, but still were less technologically inclined than most species.
General behavior: Due to the emphasis on combat, both tactical and otherwise, the Alunrovaan people, in general, are consistently more arrogant, narcissistic, and condescending. This is especially true of the Royals, whom believe themselves to be both genetically superior and attractive than the rest of the species, as well as most other species as a whole. The majority of the Alua'an species, as per their cultural inclination, rally behind those they see as greater warriors and leaders, specifically those who carry traits of physical and tactical superiority while also remaining physically appealing - such as Fair people. Such a focus on violence-related culture has, of course, ingrained a smaller temper threshold, in that the Alua'an people are quicker to anger than the average human.
History:
Prior to the formation of the Galactic Republic, on a planet far from the galactic core along the edges of the galactic disc, was the planet of Negosvern during the dawn of the Alunrovaan's evolutionary track. A planet full of hazards, high in nitrogen, low in oxygen, looming on the border of type I and II atmospheres, the Alua'ans began their entry into life in a world that must have literally tried at every turn to kill them. Due to the harsh atmospheric conditions on the surface of Negosvern, the Alua'an were forced below-ground into caves, tunnel systems, and so on in order to avoid the extremely dangerous weather above. The lack of oxygen, in that a normal type I atmosphere might have nearing 20% of oxygen in the air Negosvern instead had under ten percent, originally kept the population of Alunrovaan sparsely populated, but as natural selection and evolution began to play their game the development of an organ which assisted in their breathing issues took place. Enter the uzuur, an organ which - following the adaption of the rest of the body to work off of nitrogen gas - helped speed up the breaking down of nitrogen molecules that had bonded to each other in the air. The sheer abundance of nitrogen in the atmosphere in comparison to oxygen meant a far more viable source of air.

Simultaneous to this evolutionary train, which seemed to be chaos-bent on thwarting Negosvern's unending dangers and horrors, was the adaption to the physical dangers of the planet and the increasingly violence-based culture of the species as they grew and evolved mentally. The planet's gravity, somewhat more powerful than standard gravity - enough to make a difference, to be noticeable, but not enough to completely change the course of evolution in a bipedal, humanoid, species - worked inversely to the effects of zero gravity. While in zero gravity muscle density and muscle mass begin to atrophy due to the lack of lode-bearing that these muscles experience, but inverse to this the greater the gravity field present the more compact the muscles grow together, and the more mass is built up upon them. The Alunrovaans adapted to this gravitational field by having a greater density of muscle growth rather than evolving with greater muscle mass overall, not unlike the Anzati species of Anzat. Muscle fibers grew tightly woven so that more muscle mass could fit the same frame, meaning that, like the Anzati species, Alunrovaan adapted so that roughly triple of a human body's muscle mass would fit, due to muscle density, in the same physique or build as that of a human with a human's normal muscle density. Unfortunately, due to the extra work the uzuur went through to break down nitrogen molecules to provide air to muscles and bones in the body through the circulatory system that meant a longer delay in delivery, thus a quicker entry to lactic acid fermentation in muscles during high-stress muscle movement, like running. It should be noted that, while Alua'ans do generally outperform humans of the same physical build, it is still wholly possible for a normal human to obtain the muscle mass to overcome the biological difference between the two, the difference between the two species not entirely that large - similarly to, again, the Anzati species.

Further along the line, however, came the realization of combat and vicious infighting. This dawn of war and fighting started not only a culture of combat superiority and strength of body and mind, but also the start of a rather limited form of cellular regeneration. Like most species that evolved during their entry to a violent lifestyle, the Alunrovaan adapted an increased healing factor - however it is not anywhere near as spectacular as species which exhibited combat-ready regeneration. An analogy between Alua'an and trees could be made in this regard - cellular regeneration worked to recover wounds much more quickly than species which did not exhibit faster or enhanced healing factors, such as humans, but still took such a long time that recovery during combat, unless a wound was entirely minor, like a papercut or a small scrape, was entirely impossible, let alone practical. It would take hours or even days to recover from a non-fatal stab wound, weeks from fractured bones. Loss of senses, however, or damage to the vital organs - lungs, heart, brain, stomach, kidneys - were impossible to speed up the regeneration of, however, due to a biological safeguard against a genetic disease that this form of regeneration had caused in the first place. Originally this trait, regeneration, had only been examined in few members of the species, but - and oddly coinciding with another trend in culture that would soon become tradition - members of the species who exhibited forms of accelerated regeneration, as they were often superior than others, quickly became more desirable as mates and as such inbreeding began to both spread this strength.. and a series of other issues as well.

Enter the civilized age of Alunrovaan - or at least full sentience. During a period prior to the Galactic Republic's formation - roughly five to ten thousand years - the Alunrovaan saw a leap from primitive cultural aspects and society to a more standard, for the time, state of society. It was during this time that a dynasty of fairer skinned, lighter-haired - platinum blonde and sometimes white - Alua'ans saw a rise to power. This dynasty, the Novis dynasty as it was called, would go on to rule for over ten thousand years and create many traditions that would outlast even its eon-long lifespan. Inbreeding, specifically within the royal family, was rampant in order to keep producing "desired" members of society, while those with darker hair were bought and sold as slave labor to work in mines. Like the base of a template, this era single-handedly created three separate races and an eternal race-war of sorts, with the pureblooded Royals believing themselves to be superior than the Fair-skinned and the Favored, and a tradition that would prove disastrous for entire families, and the dynasty that ruled during this era itself. A major problem with inbreeding and other forms of inter-familial breeding between close family relations was genetic issues that presented themselves as hugely drastic drops in lifespans, stillborns, and even sterile children. By the end of the Novis dynasty, the unhappy members of society didn't even have to rebel to rid themselves of the corrupt and powerful family - genetics of millennia of inbreeding resulted in each generation losing eventually entire decades off of their life expectancy, the final generation to rule having died at the ripe age of twenty-seven and sterile with no children. Branch families, of course, survived and kept the tradition of inbreeding alive, even with the consequences and risks involved, but were slightly less extreme in the disturbing pairings that the original royal family exhibited.

Between the end of this era and the fall of the Galactic Empire, the planet of Negosvern went thousands of years without much exploration from other species locating the planet - though there were historical instances where every so often, once or twice over the course of the Pius Dius era of the Galactic Republic, an explorer accidentally happened upon the planet, though this was incredibly rare and the most contact that was had was handful of times where one or two Alunrovaan children were abducted and sold into slavery as exotic species to slavers elsewhere in the Tingle Arm - while societal changes, reform, and a sluggish technological renaissance took place. Early on a change from an oligarchy to a more public form of representation of the people, a proto-democracy of sorts perhaps, took place that saw slavery end and a rise to the gladiatorial arenas that became a popular source of entertainment - a primitive form of fun that would last until the demise of the planet and much of its species. During this shift to the gladiator-centered entertainment industry focused on violence, the culture and society, too, became largely invested in their abilities in combat, from physical strength to general tactics. Winning without being hurt or even inflicting harms were sign of total superiority, and often such a thing was sought after in arena matches between multiple opponents. Alongside this change in society was an attraction that was socially acceptable, moreso than not actually, wherein members of the species saw such combat-focused and tactical minds as far more attractive than artistic ones, and during the course of this steady change the already underdeveloped creation side of the brain saw a slight regression in evolution, falling behind the logical portion of the brain that had held the species by a string to technology. While the Republic was busy fighting the likes of Naga Sadow and the Sith, the Alua'an were developing spacecrafts, though remained unable to manufacture a hyperdrive until the eventual discovery some decades prior to the Yuuzhan Vong war.

A small trading fleet that had miscalculated their hyperspace route found themselves arriving near Negosvern, where sensors detected life - and some small, primitive, starships. These traders, who happened to run into some of the early space explorers of Negosvern, were introduced to a somewhat developed society of subterranean dwelling Alunrovaan. Welcomed, at first, with a grand festival where the traders were prevented with a great feast and festival to celebrate the discovery of life beyond their hellscape of a planet. Once the traders told tales of planets that were far less dangerous and regularly unbearable, while the Alua'ans told them of the ore-rich mines on the planet, an agreement was made for some of the native Alunrovaan to travel off-world in return for freedom to mine the world. Though the traders soon departed with a small fraction of the population, the Yuuzhan Vong had began their secret invasion into the outer regions of the galactic disc with the planet of Negosvern. Being a warrior people they attempted to repel the invading forces, who were at a slight disadvantage in ground combat due to the eons of adapting to cave systems that they hid below, but eventually the invading forces saw it as a pointless venture and instead saw to the destruction of the planet by pulling an asteroid from outside of the solar system by way of dovin basals and sent it hurdling into the planet, destroying it completely and wiping out all remaining life.

The Yuuzhan Vong war that followed interrupted any plans for the traders to return to mine, and by the time it was discovered that the planet had been annihilated prior in the war there were only the scattered remnants of their species remaining. Now numbering in the low hundreds of thousands, entirely miniscule compared to their original number of several hundred million and the galactic population of most other species in general, Alunrovaan were forced to again adapt, only now to the galactic society in general. Many enlisted in the emerging Galactic Alliance that persisted until the rise of Darth Krayt's One Sith, others integrated with the rest of civilization and eventually the short memory of Negosvern was forgotten. What few members of their species that survived the Yuuzhan Vong's genocide of their species were further thinned following the outbreak of the Gulag Plague, numbering at its end below one hundred and fifty thousand.
Notable Player-Characters: [member="Braith Achlys"]
Intent: To create a cool, sentient, species which has an unique background and biology as compared to the rest of the galactic population, as well as to serve as a relatively unknown species from a home planet that was destroyed prior to the board's start date in order to keep its numbers low.
 
[member="Valiens Nantaris"]
I have rewrote the submission to be more organized, as well as greatly lowered its muscular density strength and regeneration strength. I'm not very good at come up with backstories/histories, so I tried to build on the original one which was written in the original submission, but in general the majority of the submission as a whole was shifted slightly to make more sense. I kept the weakness to ultraviolet light but made it vary depending on the race, of which I made three instead of the previous one, due to pigmentation in each, in order to not stray too far from the original submission.

Edit: If any threads which I've heavily focused on my character's species/biology would apply for a development thread, and if you think this might require it to either show competency in writing the species or something I can include the first public thread I did with this character.

Edit 2: Added a cancer-prone weakness at the bottom of the weaknesses, which is caused by the regenerative factor.
 
[member="Braith Achlys"]
Okay then, let’s get this started. I commend you for taking on a submission which isn’t yours and trying to fix it up, and I notice you’ve made some good changes. There are, however, more things which need to be questioned.

  • Homeworld – It’s not made clear here or later whether they still live on (or under) the planet or whether they’ve dispersed as migrants. If they’re still on the homeworld you’ll need to make that planet.
  • Hair Colour – I think you go into too much detail here…and the figures make no sense. For instance, the red hair figure indicates there are 0.00225 people with red hair. I’m not sure how you can have such a fraction of one person with red hair. Simplify this.
  • Breathes – OK, I am not a biologist, but this is something which confuses me. For a start, I don’t believe silicone exists as a gas naturally at all. In fact, from what I’ve read, even when it’s manufactured it rapidly decays. As for carbon, what percentage are we talking? Since if it is the same as oxygen they would be unable to breathe on any world like Coruscant, Alderaan or other Type I Atmospheres.
  • Muscle Mass & Frame – Here is one of my largest concerns. I feel that the original author, and you, are trying to have it both ways here. You’re trying to have a stronger humanoid whilst still making them slim pretty princesses. That doesn’t work. A gorilla for instance has increased muscle mass compared to a human but they are naturally bigger to accommodate this. What happens to bodybuilder humans? They get big. I do not see how you can have both a stronger, more muscled form whilst still in a lithe body. It has to be one or the other.
  • Uzuur – Interesting concept, but the final part has me concerned. What form of toxins can it resist? If like the kidneys in a human it can purge some injested toxins, but inhaled or injected ones would be less protective. Please clarify here.
  • Processing Speed – Adding silicon does not turn someone into a computer! I don’t really understand the pseudoscience here, but that’s fine, I don’t need to. I feel that this strength is disproportionately powerful, as it basically makes every member of this species stronger and faster than a human. Without serious weaknesses I usually only allow one of those two things.
  • Regeneration – I’m especially leery about this when combined with being stronger and faster. Doubling the recovery rate is feasible, but not to this excess.
  • Winded – This is a feasible weakness…but it fits into that category of weaknesses which is rarely actually played. I’ll keep this as is, but I ask you to be mindful of it when you write as the character.
  • Lifespan – This is one big change I have noticed you’ve made. Upping the lifespan to 60 is not a weakness anymore. Making it so that 30 is the average end to their life is a good weakness, 60 is not. I suggest you reinstate this or add another weakness.
  • Carbon Dependency – This is…the same as any humanoid. Humans require at least some carbon dioxide in the air they breathe. However, the problem with this is the same as the ‘Breathes’ field – can they breathe in oxygen rich environments? Now that would be a good weakness!
  • Races – Would this inbreeding not be a weakness? Would not racial disunity be a weakness?
  • Technology Level – All that’s here is a link. I need a description explaining where they’re at. This must also tie in with previous questions about the homeworld and dispersal.
  • History – Where did they come from? How did they possess the organ already?
  • History 2 – What is the current status of the species? Are they on the homeworld still or not? You mentioned it was destroyed by the Vong…literally?

That’s from my first pass, but we’ll start with this.
 
Valiens Nantaris said:
Homeworld – It’s not made clear here or later whether they still live on (or under) the planet or whether they’ve dispersed as migrants. If they’re still on the homeworld you’ll need to make that planet.
Clarified that they have emigrated and the planet was literally destroyed (like, destroyed, destroyed) in the Homeworld section. I wasn't sure if that was clear or not in the history, but I have questions regarding the submission following edits first.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Hair Colour – I think you go into too much detail here…and the figures make no sense. For instance, the red hair figure indicates there are 0.00225 people with red hair. I’m not sure how you can have such a fraction of one person with red hair. Simplify this.
Simplified it to a list. The super-minute amount of red hair found in the population was based on the whole of the population, originally, in that 1 in 1.5 million people were born with red hair. Culturally it was viewed (which is included in the cultural section) that red hair was a sign or omen of the person either being a harbinger of destruction or potential savior, so I wanted to make sure there weren't people reading the submission and making them with red hair all over the place.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Breathes – OK, I am not a biologist, but this is something which confuses me. For a start, I don’t believe silicone exists as a gas naturally at all. In fact, from what I’ve read, even when it’s manufactured it rapidly decays. As for carbon, what percentage are we talking? Since if it is the same as oxygen they would be unable to breathe on any world like Coruscant, Alderaan or other Type I Atmospheres.
I'm trying to keep the original submission somewhat intact here, but I want to know how much freedom I have to change the way this species operates. This wasn't my submission or brainchild originally, so I am not comfortable going through and completely redoing everything without making sure that is okay and not frowned upon first. Whether it is okay for me to change this portion of the species, which was a pretty big part of the original submission, will determine how I change this.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Muscle Mass & Frame – Here is one of my largest concerns. I feel that the original author, and you, are trying to have it both ways here. You’re trying to have a stronger humanoid whilst still making them slim pretty princesses. That doesn’t work. A gorilla for instance has increased muscle mass compared to a human but they are naturally bigger to accommodate this. What happens to bodybuilder humans? They get big. I do not see how you can have both a stronger, more muscled form whilst still in a lithe body. It has to be one or the other.
I'm not trying to go for the original description of "as strong as a war beast", I'm comparing this species' athletic capabilities to the Anzati species, whom are a humanoid species with similar traits to this one. Here's a link to their wookiepedia page. Also, muscle tone and muscle density are being confused here - Muscle density is the density of the muscle, as in how closely compact each muscle fiber is to each other. The more tightly packed they are the less tone someone needs to be in order to achieve the same physical feats of strength, bodybuilders tend to build tone/mass, which is not the same as muscle density - as muscle mass is the total amount of muscle, while muscle density is how tightly packed it is. If a human were to have triple the muscle density and the retain the same physique, which would mean larger muscle mass due to the change in density in order to retain the same physical appearance, they would be physically more capable than someone who had a lesser muscle density and similar physique. It isn't huge, but it is certainly an advantage over normal humans, of which this species is not anyways, and I thought such would be worth mentioning - especially as it is possible for people in the real world to increase muscle density rather than muscle tone or mass, though to do so artificially through training is dependent on genetics more than physical training regimen.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Uzuur – Interesting concept, but the final part has me concerned. What form of toxins can it resist? If like the kidneys in a human it can purge some injested toxins, but inhaled or injected ones would be less protective. Please clarify here.
As the uzuur filters the air that the Alunrovaan breathes, I figured it would be inhaled only, rather than ingested or injected (neither of those two occurred to me while rewriting this). Will adjust/clarify this.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Processing Speed – Adding silicon does not turn someone into a computer! I don’t really understand the pseudoscience here, but that’s fine, I don’t need to. I feel that this strength is disproportionately powerful, as it basically makes every member of this species stronger and faster than a human. Without serious weaknesses I usually only allow one of those two things.
I was iffy on this, though nerves made of silicone rather than normal organic matter would have a greater conductivity of electricity (which the brain and nervous system uses to send such signals to muscles and organs and such) due to greater body heat, but removed it as it was only included to try to keep it as close to the original as possible. The strength wasn't supposed to be increased speed, though, it was a greater/elongated perception of the world around them. Where a human would perceive one second as literally one second, this species would have perceived it as slightly longer, and because of that anything from depression to pain would be perceived for longer periods of time than for other species, while they would also be better at reacting to certain things than others in turn. In either case, it wasn't a big deal and it has been removed.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Regeneration – I’m especially leery about this when combined with being stronger and faster. Doubling the recovery rate is feasible, but not to this excess.
With the removal of the perception of time deal, and what is going to be a better explanation of the muscle density strength, what, exactly, would you like to see changed about this? A doubled recovery rate, for example, doesn't really tell me much of what I have to go on.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Winded – This is a feasible weakness…but it fits into that category of weaknesses which is rarely actually played. I’ll keep this as is, but I ask you to be mindful of it when you write as the character.
Alrighty, I'll try to keep this in mind. It is a new one, though, I realized that substituting oxygen for a less-abundant gas and a higher density of muscle for it to be passed through would require a greater intake of air and a longer period for one breath to circulate through the body and properly allow muscle tissue to respire, resulting in a higher degree of lactic acid fermentation in over-worked muscles.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Lifespan – This is one big change I have noticed you’ve made. Upping the lifespan to 60 is not a weakness anymore. Making it so that 30 is the average end to their life is a good weakness, 60 is not. I suggest you reinstate this or add another weakness.
I'll try to work this out after I get some other things sorted out, I figured the cancer growth and varying lethality of ultraviolet light (sunlight) would have compensated for the exchange in lifespan.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Carbon Dependency – This is…the same as any humanoid. Humans require at least some carbon dioxide in the air they breathe. However, the problem with this is the same as the ‘Breathes’ field – can they breathe in oxygen rich environments? Now that would be a good weakness!
The dependency on Carbon isn't Carbon-Dioxide (one carbon and two oxygen) but rather carbon in general as a gas. This included Methane gas as well as Carbon-Dioxide and other gaseous states of Carbon. I was going to include a general weakness in type 1 atmospheres, but I was under the impression it would be followed even less than the current "Winded" weakness, as the idea was that Type I atmospheres for Alunrovaans was closer to what a Type II atmosphere would be for species which are adapted to type I and would be dependent on the amount of carbon gas found in the planet's atmosphere, as noted with its capability of surviving in Type III atmospheres so long as there is sufficient carbon gas. Type II would be optimal, of course, as would certain Type III atmosphere's like Sullust's surface and volcanic worlds rich in the gas. I'd like your opinion on how I could make this work without it being otherwise totally ignored.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Races – Would this inbreeding not be a weakness? Would not racial disunity be a weakness?
Indeed they would be! I just totally wasn't thinking about cultural issues as actual weaknesses, and I completely overlooked genetic issues with inbreeding. I'll work to add these in.


Valiens Nantaris said:
Technology Level – All that’s here is a link. I need a description explaining where they’re at. This must also tie in with previous questions about the homeworld and dispersal.
I wasn't exactly sure what to put here so I went to the wookiee for technology levels recognized in canon and settled on what was behind modern space-age technology. I can adjust this, though with your request now that I know what to put there.


Valiens Nantaris said:
History – Where did they come from? How did they possess the organ already?
I'm not terribly good with writing backstories for characters, let alone entire species, so I was trying to be as vague as possible in terms of origin while remaining closer to the original history in terms of origin story. The organ, however, is something which was evolved with the species, much like a human has an appendix to retain "good" bacteria in the gut when flushing out the bacteria in the small and large intestines during infection. The species isn't supposed to be a sub-species of humans, as they are a non-human species, so I assumed that the difference in biology wasn't a required thing to be explained. I can come up with a reason if I need to, though.


Valiens Nantaris said:
History 2 – What is the current status of the species? Are they on the homeworld still or not? You mentioned it was destroyed by the Vong…literally?
As noted above, I've clarified that the planet (in the Homeworld section) was destroyed (as in literally destroyed) and they no longer reside on their homeworld. I must have been too vague on this in the history and will clarify that there better.
 
[member="Valiens Nantaris"]
Okay here's a list of changes I've done thus far:
  • Clarified home planet was destroyed, literally, and that they are scattered across the galaxy.
  • Simplified hair color list
  • Removed silicone from breathing stuff, might have missed it elsewhere (I feel like I might be looking right at it and missing it).
  • Clarified the toxicity resilience is just to inhaled toxins, not ingested or injected.
  • Removed perception strength
  • Made two separate clauses for the lower lifespan thing - interbred members of the species (traditionally/historically interbred to-date) only have a lifespan nearing 30 years.
  • Added a new genetic mutation weakness for interbred members of the species and the desired Royal race.
  • Elaborated on technology level, I think.
  • Clarified planet destruction
  • Toned down the regeneration factor by quite a bit. (So that you can't regenerate large wounds in-combat based on time-frame required).
What I would like to know:
  • How much freedom do I have over the species' origin
  • Can I change the fundamental function of the uzuur from its original carbon-intake thing to something more practical?
 
[member="Braith Achlys"]
I'll give you a quick answer now so you can perform extra edits - you may change anything related to this species you want or need to. It would be nice if it maintained some of the original flavour but this is not required. They are, essentially, your species now.
 
[member="Valiens Nantaris"]
I have made the species dependent on nitrogen (in the same manner that humans are dependent on oxygen), and will make changes to history when I get off work tonight. I'm uncertain if Type III atmospheres have nitrogen present so I have made the only atmosphere types they can breathe in types I and II unless I find otherwise.
 
[member="Valiens Nantaris"]
History edited.

Would being unable to mate with humans and near-human species be a weakness?

Edit: Located some type III atmospheres that are nitrogen rich, such as Echnos, so I will make a specific notation on that.
 
[member="Braith Achlys"]
OK, you've done a great job here.

There is one final thing I will ask.

You've made the strength greater than human, but making it so they get winded easily. Can you add in a stipulation to the Winded weakness that although they can wear heavy armour they cannot run or move rapidly with it on?

Do that and we're good to go.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom