Private An Existence Erased

[Lileas]

A light snow gently draped the metal railing as Lileas sipped on a warm cup of tea, basking in the herbal aroma. It was only an hour or so past noon, but this quaint little town always felt like dusk. The ambient buzz of of traders bartering and workers constructing a new cobblestone road lulled Lileas into a peaceful daze. Families strolled along the winding paths through the marketplace, wandering into hidden cafes that no tourist would be able to find. Parents watched their children laugh and play games in the snow, their pets happily chased them around with nothing but a simple zest for life to motivate them. She had heard some professor sitting nearby commend his student's essays as he marked them, and she thought that surely the serenity of the scene made his judgements a tad less callous. For all of the noises blended together to form a beautiful song, when Lileas closed her eyes she imagined that the sounds could only have been born from a fairytale.

She finished her tea, and slipped a small novel she purchased from a rustic bookstore back into her pouch. Cerulean Creek, a popular winery, would have just opened up their doors. Lileas wasn't old enough to drink, but she had befriended the woman who owned the place. She had slipped Lileas a glass or two when nobody was looking. It was a short walk over to the winery, Lileas only had to cross a wooden bridge that creaked beneath her feet.

The winery overlooked a small spring cradled within a canopy of ferns, lily pads dotted the water like freckles. If the rest of the town had been born from a fairytale, than this grove must have come from some sort of paradise. One of the elderly musicians covertly placed a glass of violent wine on a silk cloth, which Lileas gratefully accepted. The man and his partner wielded their instruments with an efficiency no swordsman could ever hope to match. Swirling the dark ichor around, Lileas took a small sip.

She might need much more to fully face what was troubling her. For the past week Lileas avoided contemplating it. It was so much easier to distract herself with wine or books or music. But every moment she dodged the issue was another moment eating away at her.

Her mind was not a mess, for there was nothing there to make a mess of. Memories as distant as the stars and as vague as a hand-written letter worn by time. She could see the forms of her elder brothers, hear the laughs they shared together. But they died young, she couldn't recall how. And from that moment to just a week ago was a complete haze. A blank space with no memories. Had she been on Typha-Dor all this time? That was impossible, the people who lived here repeatedly claimed Lileas first introduced herself only a few days ago. Where had she been all that time?

Had the bump on her head really caused so much memory loss? And who was that strange man that had found her? She couldn't help but feel that there was something unfathomably familiar about him, but Lileas could not say why that was. He was crying when he found me, and he hoped that I found the peace he thought I deserved. Who was he? And what was that voice that rang out in my head just after he left? Lileas had played those words on repeat day after day, night after night.

He may have left us alone, but pillars of light will still grace the corners of our minds. Find your path, little one. He is not yet lost. When the sun rises, our family can still be one.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Something was clear to her, and that was that she did not belong here. As peaceful as the town was, it could not provide the answers she sought. The emptiness within her mind would gnaw away at her until it was full, the hunger would become to much to bear. She was a pretender, a stain on such a pure locus. And perhaps worst of all, she was entirely alone. Left abandoned in a universe she knew nothing about.

What darkness has taken hold of me, that has erased my entire existence?


Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas ​

It was always in the small places, the empty corners, where the most peace could be found.

With the raging conflicts of the galaxy she often felt the encroachment -- every hour that ticked by had to be used wisely, to push back that which was evil and dark. Not a week ago had Csilla been reduced to rubble. Everything before was practice for the next crisis; she needed to move quickly, to protect someone else.

Typha-Dor could have easily been the site of a conflict. Right next to Florrum, within striking distance of the Sith capital, along a weak line the Alliance and its allies had been looking to exploit for months to break the Sith Empire. Or perhaps it could've been another lightning strike by the Sith Eternal gathered on Korriban. That sliver of uncertainty might've been what saved Typha-Dor -- a small opening in which a world could sit, unnoticed, untouched, by either of its neighbours. A sliver of peace in a chaotic galaxy.

It was, ironically, Csilla that had pushed her to find this sort of place. The guiding current of the Force had brought her to Ruusan, then further, to here, and already she could feel that tiny tug in the back of her mind; a string to pull, when she was ready to leave, that would take her to the next. Chance meetings tended to be the result of following those feelings. Still, she did have a purpose -- two professors she had been in correspondence with resided here. One, a Selabite, the other... soon to be, she hoped.

She made her way to the winery's entrance. Seemed as though the host was not present- a girl nearby, perhaps a bit young to be working (or drinking) but it couldn't hurt to ask. Auteme strode over.

"Excuse me, ah-" she paused, staring for a moment. There was some familial resemblance there. Red hair, on the red sands of Korriban. Auteme stood still.

"Sorry, having a moment of- er, do you work here?"

 

[Lileas]

Things were not always this way, Lileas thought. She could not have always been lost and wandering, thoughts muddled and confused. This manner of thinking would only lead to her own destruction. Being nihilistic and so sure of the world's misery was such an exhausting mindset to have. Why not stop and enjoy the peaceful moments. Ever since waking up from whatever slumber she was placed in, Lileas had seen the beauty of life. People falling in love, dancing in the snow under the starlight. Students feeling the overwhelming satisfaction of years of hard work paying off, knowing that they had done something wonderful. No matter how grievous her situation might be, Lileas would not let her hope be buried alongside her brothers. Someday I will make it out this place. No matter if its this evening or a decade from now.

Before she could reach back into her pouch to retrieve her book, a young woman maybe only a few years her senior approached. Lileas had grown familiar with some of the more frequent guests, but this one was new. This town wasn't really significant enough to attract larger businesses or tourists, so fresh faces weren't all that common.

Lileas was still a bit tepid when it came to socialization, but a bit of wine helped her overcome that hurdle. As far as she was concerned, she was brand new to this whole "existing" thing. She loved the idea of forming the bonds she could only watch as a spectator on the streets, might as well put in the effort to see that goal fulfilled.

After an odd moment of hesitation, the woman inquired on whether Lileas worked at the winery. "Oh, was Mrs. Shalla not at the front? Sometimes she runs errands for her mother around this time. But I don't see Allos either, and he's normally the one who pours the wine..."

Standing from the table, brushing the silk cloth damp with snow, Lileas peered around for an employee. "Not sure where they are. I don't actually work here, but I know the place pretty well. Mrs. Shalla won't mind, she's very sweet. I'll get you a glass!"

She eagerly walked behind the bar, and began picking through the different bottles. The selection was a bit limited seeing as how this was such a small town, but the winemakers were experts in their craft. Lileas surprised herself by knowing the process of pouring a glass, as well as how all of the different ingredients affected the taste. I've done this before, she thought. During my slumber, I poured a lot of wine.

Excited at the notion of remembering something about her past, as mundane as it was, made Lileas beam with joy that rivaled the purest sunbeams. She poured the stranger a glass of red wine, one of the more popular choices by common guests. "My first time here I was offered a free glass, Allos said camaraderie is the most vital part of maintaining a business. This is a sweet red. I'm not sure how they managed it, but it tastes like home."

"So, you're new here too? I've... only just arrived here as well. My name is Lileas. It's a pleasure to meet you." She gave a slight curtsy as she introduced herself, though she wasn't sure why.

Anything beyond this was unknown territory for Lileas. She could not answer where she came from, what she enjoyed doing, any funny stories or jokes she once heard. She could not give her opinion on politics or discuss history or debate the validity of certain scholars. She wasn't even confident she could properly discuss the weather. She had a name and that was it. Nothing else.

No, that's not true. My name is Lileas, and I know how to pour wine and I like to dance. The snow makes me happy.

That's something. It's not much, but it's something.

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas ​

"Oh, I don't-" The girl was too quick, and Auteme couldn't bring herself to protest any louder. When the girl came back Auteme took the glass in both hands. It felt rude not to partake, so she raised it to her lips and took the smallest of sips. It was red, sweet, and certainly wine; outside of that, she had no idea what to think.

"It's very good," she said, sincere as could be. She tried again for another sip to add to her claim, this one tasting a little better, now that she was used to the flavor.

She cleared her throat and nodded to Lileas's question. "Yes, I'm- ah, a traveler. Not from around here." Nowhere near here. "It's nice to meet you, Lileas, I'm-"

Hesitation crossed her face for just a moment, as though weighing the risk in her mind. Sith could be anywhere, and the way this girl looked... yet her demeanor was friendly, and Auteme sensed no deception. She was nothing if not trusting. "Auteme."

She paused a moment, her brow furrowing. "You're not from here either?"

 

[Lileas]

Lileas smiled as Auteme took a sip of the wine. She had seen students from the local university do things like this, though she never really had the chance to try it out for herself. Sometimes they were old friends coming together and recounting old stories and inside jokes. Lileas found that the longer it had been since two friends saw each other, the more somber the occasion seemed. Yes, the two parties were happy to see each other again. But it had been so long since last they met. Were they truly the same person the other had once known? Lileas had seen a man and a childhood friend tell stories from their neighborhood when they played as kids, but now they were in their late thirties. It was all a remembrance of an old story, instead of a creation of a new one. The children they were had long since grown up. The two would go home to their families and say how nice it was to catch up with their old friend, all while knowing they might never be as close to them as they were when they played together as youths.

Sometimes meeting a stranger was more exciting than meeting an old acquaintance. This way, one knew they were starting a new story. And Lileas knew there were so many chapters for her to write.

Her attempt at casual conversation seemed to be going well, but for how long should she push it? Auteme was likely here to meet someone else, would it be presumptuous of Lileas to keep the chatter going? Auteme had asked a question, so it was probably proper behavior to respond. It was a shame the question was one that was impossible to answer.

Or I could tell her the truth...

Lileas had felt something since she awoke from her slumber. A sort of awareness, like there was some sort of aura guiding her in a certain direction. Strange happenings and odd sensations, almost like she was living within a dream. But that presence was constant. It had something to do with her slumber. With her lost memories and the man with the red hair. And whatever this eccentric sensation was told Lileas that she could trust Auteme. She reminded Lileas of her brothers. There was a soft, subtle kindness to the woman that was akin to a wool scarf covering the exposed neck of a child walking home from school during a snowfall. Warm and comforting, like a sunbeam illuminating the text of an old rustic book.

"No, I'm not from here," Lileas began. She wasn't quite sure how she would answer the question, but she felt as though she should be honest. "I don't think so, at least. I've been here for at least a week. Maybe longer, I'm not sure. My memory is... empty."

Lileas leaned over the bar, face towards the wood that was stained with spilled wine from years ago. She had seen awkward conversations happen too, and she felt as though she were creating one. Auteme would probably make a polite excuse and never return to the winery again. But Lileas continued speaking anyways, almost to herself. "I think I was born in a swamp. I don't know where it was, but I was happy there. And then I was here."

And that's my whole story. I was there and then I was here.

Something within Lileas crept up and told her that though she might not remember the past decade or so, she had been happy during that time. She laughed as often as a river flowed, her life must have been a joyous one. Despite the hand that had been dealt to her, she faced her future with a will of adamant. Tomorrow will be a good day. That's what her brother had taught her. And she would always believe that.

"Oh my, I didn't mean to make the occasion so somber. Apologies!" Lileas wanted to attempt to salvage the conversation, but could one really come back from this? She sounded like she had had a glass or three over what she was used to drinking. She wanted to walk away. She wanted to sit by the river and read her book and forget this conversation ever happened. But she had to stick through it. This was an important step. "I am doing well here, I think. I'm considering applying to one of the local universities, maybe I can find something there that can help me understand what's happened to my memory."

It would be a difficult journey. But there was a glint of joy in Lileas' eyes, a drive to see this mission completed. It might be a long road home, but she would see it travelled.

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

Auteme's brow furrowed as she stared at the girl. Outlandish as simply being 'there' then 'here' was, she'd seen amnesia before, and Lileas certainly had the demeanor of someone born almost yesterday. Not in a bad way, of course; there was a naivete to her, a purity that was rarely found outside the mind of a child or the heart of a star. For a moment Auteme wondered if others saw something similar in her. How many times had Ryv promised a safer, better galaxy, one that she could explore freely?

Beyond that purity, though, there was a certain excitement in the girl at the prospect of learning of her past. Auteme had been there too. This time, though, she couldn't shake the feeling that this girl would be better off looking forward.

"Education is very important," she said. "Though... part of knowledge is knowing that others are experts in things you are not. Maybe it'd be best to see a doctor or psychiatrist. I, ah- I might be able to direct you to one, some of my own studies are in those fields."

She paused a moment to think of who she might recommend, only to stumble upon another question. "Hold on, if you don't know how you got here... wouldn't someone here have noticed? You didn't know anyone? I'd certainly have questions if someone with no memories showed up on my doorstep."

Then again, there was a true kindness in such an act.

 

[Lileas]

Since Lileas had awakened from her slumber, she had such wonderful fantasies of what it might have been like to grow up alongside her brothers. To attend school together, study and learn about the galaxy alongside one another. They had been born impoverished and in filth, yet their desire for knowledge was as powerful as the most radiant, fabled hero. How beautiful it would have been, to have her elder siblings watch over her as she studied history and anthropology, biology and physics. Her family was never meant to traverse beyond the marsh they found themselves bogged down in. And yet, here Lileas was. She didn't quite yet know where "here" was, but she knew she was far away from the lovely little locus she once called home. And her family was even farther away.

We could've been reading the same literature together. We would've sat in a park with a fountain that created sparkling, sea-blue waves and read epitaphs and poetry. The birds would sing their songs as we discussed religion and the nature of humanity. And after all that was over, we'd retire to a quaint hamlet for some bourbon and recount the humorous dreams we had the night before. If the evening was pleasant, perhaps we'd invite some friends over for pastries and a bonfire underneath the starlight. We'd sing songs and revel in the amiable company, together we'd feel invincible. No matter what would happen tomorrow, nothing could erase the joy of that night.

Of course, this was all hypothetical. Musings of a world that would never come to fruition. Lileas had to make sure she did not lose herself in a fantasy. But she would still try and see the beauty in the world. It was there, as clear as a cloudless horizon. No matter what happened, Lileas would not lose sight of it.

"If you know of someone that might be of aid to me, I'd be glad to make their acquaintance. Anything to piece this puzzle together." She knew that she had to become familiar with her past. But no matter how nonexistent her past might be, she felt as though it had all been happy. What if she learned something horrible about herself? What if there was some trauma that was hidden from her? Would it be worth unearthing these secrets and potentially ruining her perception of life, just to learn of some memories from years ago?

"I know no one," Lileas told Auteme honestly. She felt as though she were an invasive species infiltrating some other habitat. Outside of a handful of winery employees and local students, she was just some new, odd stranger. To be viewed with some sort of passive amusement, like an animal in a zoo.

"I can tell you all that I do know. It isn't much, but it's my story." It seemed silly to trust in a stranger after only making a polite greeting, but this could be the only chance she ever got to learn more about herself. Auteme could help her. "As I mentioned a moment ago, I was born far away from here, in a swamp constantly shrouded in a veil of fog. I had two older brothers, and we loved each other just as a wanderer loves an unexplored trail. They're no longer with us, but their warmth still comforts me when the nights are cold and lonely."

"One week ago I was in a nearby manor, you can see the tower just over the winery rooftop. A young man with long red hair found me and made sure that I was alright. He seemed... almost sad. He told me to find my peace, and left without further explanation. I've asked some of the townspeople about him, but no one seems to recall seeing him. "

"Since then, I've been in a sort of stasis. I've got a small room a kind woman is allowing me to stay in while I search for a job, and the people has accepted me despite my recent arrival. I haven't told any of them about my hazy memory."

Lileas swirled her glass of wine and finished the scarlet whirlpool in a single gulp. The wine helped, she felt light as straw and what would normally be such a dour conversation had a bit of joviality and humor to it. It would be hopeless to approach this with anger and misery. Such emotions would only breed more despair. She was confused, but that was alright.

There was a piece of her missing, and she could not wait to find it.

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

A young man with long red hair. Auteme couldn't be sure, but the theories ran wild in her mind; every thought spawned a dozen more that hoped to steal her focus. Sith, Force, danger -- yet at the same time none of those things. This girl was honest, genuine, almost naïve; all things Auteme could identify with. Was it right for her to disrupt Lileas's life? Even by being here, did she invite chaos to the peace that the girl found herself in?

But every moment Auteme stood there she could feel that subtle pull, a tug on the mind and senses that drew focus to Lileas. A well of potential -- and, without memories, a clean slate. She closed her eyes, reviewing it all in her head, before posing a quiet question.

"Do you want to leave here, Lileas?"

 

[Lileas]

As the two continued their chatter, the musicians continued to play their melodies. One continued to play his violin, another jauntily matched the rhythm with his flute. The perfect music to drink wine to. It was like some sort of fantasy tavern in the woods, in a few moments Lileas half expected some fae creature to hop out of the woods and perform some spell or dance. Already if felt as though the winery was under some sort of enchantment. Out of all the nights Lileas could remember, this snowy evening was the most magical. There was something about the air that just filled her with some nostalgic dream. A moment she had experienced once before, but could no longer recall.

Despite that longing, there was a brief pause before Lileas responded to Auteme's inquiry. She might never find her answers here. And maybe, for a while, times like this might fill the emptiness inside of her. But that would not save her forever. If she let herself be content with this nonexistence, this way she pretended to be someone she may or may not be, than one day the emptiness would be replaced by an endless stream of tears. No amount of fantastical music could give her back the memories that composed her dream of life.

"Yes."

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

Auteme was silent, searching for anything in Lileas that might betray her words. She found none. Her hesitations mounted again. Was it right to pull the girl away from this life? Even if Lileas wanted to go, would it do her any good? Wanting was the source of most suffering, and it was far different from needing.

Yet equally, who was Auteme to deny her?

She leaned in close, voice lowered. "I'm a Jedi, Lileas," she said. "And I... I sense the potential in you, to walk that same path. A path that will take you across the galaxy, help you learn many things -- maybe even how to recover your lost memories.

"It's... I'm sorry it's so sudden. But I can arrange for you to travel offworld if you want. It doesn't need to be now, if you want time to think about it. There are many- 'perks', but many hardships as well."

 

[Lileas]

Lileas was glad Auteme was so kind, for her response to this "Jedi's" statement was a blank face. Most of the words she understood individually, but when strung together in a sentence they lost all meaning. Potential? Path? Galaxy? Was the world outside Typha-Dor truly that massive? Of course she was aware of planets beyond this one, she had seen the merchant vessels arriving and departing to foreign soils. But the scale of an entire galaxy was nearly beyond her comprehension. And what was it that Auteme saw within her that interested her so greatly? But if it helped her accomplish what she sought, she'd travel over every inch of soil on every planet that harbored life. Twice over, if that's what it took.

I need to acknowledge that I may not know things that are commonly understood, Lileas thought. I must not grow impatient. With time, I will learn all I can. No one can learn a language in a day.

From the way Auteme said the word Jedi, she seemed as though she expected Lileas to know what that meant. She had heard the word in passing conversation and seen it in the page of a newspaper, but the actually significance of the word eluded her. "I'm grateful for your offer, Auteme. And I do think I'd like to accept it. The suddenness does not bother me, everyone I'd wish to say goodbye to work at this winery and I don't have many belongings to pack."

Lileas brought her hands down towards her waist out of sight, and began twiddling her thumbs together. She knew she had no reason to be ashamed of not knowing what certain things were, but judgmental glares could be as damning as a loving gaze was kind. But she wanted this. She couldn't say why, but it felt right. Like it was something she had always been destined to do, something her brothers would have wanted for her.

"I've got a great deal to learn," Lileas admitted, meeting Auteme's eyes once more. "More than I think I even realize right now. But I'll see it through. I can't wait here and gorge myself on wine expecting answers to come to me." Despite her brave words, she couldn't stop a twinge of awkwardness from creeping into her next question. "That all being said, umm....

"What's a Jedi?"

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

Auteme cycled through a number of unusual emotions in a short few seconds. How could she not know what a Jedi is? Yet, how could she know? It wasn't like she'd be asking about it if she had no idea what Jedi were in the first place. Auteme talked about the Jedi so often, it was almost a surprise to think that others didn't. In such a peaceful place, curiously, there was no need for peacekeepers. A galaxy wracked by war knew the Jedi intimately.

But that didn't change how much Lileas knew.

"The Jedi, we're- er, complicated," she said, trying to gather her thoughts. Again she was cursed by her knowledge -- she knew so much about the Jedi, so how could she leave anything out? That would be a disservice to her Order. Of course, if she spent too long explaining, it'd be a disservice to Lileas.

"A Jedi is many things," she corrected, "a protector, a student, a wanderer, a warrior -- and can be many more. But something extraordinary is needed to follow this path."

For a moment all the caution she'd had about keeping a low profile fled. She took a step back, her body seized by the Force, flowing through her, as though some invisible dam had been shattered. Her presence seemed to grow, her body surrounded by a corona of light; she reached to Lileas, searching for a sign that she could sense this thing beyond.

Soon it passed, and Auteme returned, the impossible magnitude of the Force retreating as quickly as it had come.

 

[Lileas]

Protector. Student. Wanderer. Warrior. Four pillars that bore little in common, all rolled into one being, with some sort of extraordinary spice to wrap the whole thing up. A Jedi. Lileas supposed she wasn't meant to fully comprehend the magnitude of what it was in front of her, of how one could simultaneously join battle as a soldier and pen an essay on theology once the bloodshed stopped. Of how one could protect someone or something whilst exploring the star-speckled cosmos. How could anyone ever be all of that and more?

Yet there was one sitting here with her, politely pretending to enjoy a glass of wine. Lileas stared at Auteme with her glassy doe eyes, she felt as though she were attending a seminar in which she forgot to complete her assigned reading. Lost, and very clearly missing something. A piece of information everyone else was acutely aware of, but she couldn't possibly know because she had only just joined the class. That's alright. I just need to take a few extra notes is all.

And then a shard of heaven seemed to piece the veil of the afternoon. A benevolent power warmed the frosty air, like a bonfire in a snowstorm. Auteme seemed to be alight with a holy glow, like an angel or herald of the sun. For that brief moment everything felt at peace, like the four seasons converging into a single day.

When the sensation faded away, the touch of snow felt a bit softer. Lileas looked as though she had seen something out of her wildest dreams. The comfort, the warmth, the protection that light. Was this the potential Auteme had mentioned. Could Lileas learn this?

"That was... beautiful. I wish I had the words to describe it more aptly, but that was the only one that came to mind. This is the power of the Jedi?"

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Lileas
​

"No," she said. "That is the Force -- an energy field, perhaps life itself; something that surrounds us, binds us. Some have it stronger than others, but it touches everything, no matter how one might fight it."

Many had fought it -- the Force-dead, the Yuuzhan Vong, the many who sought to destroy the Force itself in some way, for whatever reason. But with Lileas, its touch was unmistakable.

"A Jedi understands the Force, channels it, listens to it. It's... it's easy. It's natural. But it takes time. Time, I hope, that you will have at our Temple, on Coruscant."

She extended a hand to the girl. "Only if you're willing. It's a far cry from this place."

 

[Lileas]

The Force. Since Lileas awoke from her slumber, she had sensed something that she was sure wasn't ordinary. Most of the time it was subtle, like a distant feeling of nostalgia or a remembered dream with only vague recollections. Though at the same time it almost felt as though there was something that was suppressing this sensation. The limitation wasn't perfect, it was more like an umbrella blocking out a thunderstorm. Was this connected to her memory loss? Surely it was, it made far too much sense. She had spent one lazy afternoon trying to form some sort of bond with this fleeting consciousness, but it always seemed to elude her. Perhaps with the assistance of the Jedi she could unlock a secret or two, and solve this riddle that warped her mind.

"I need to know what's happened to me," Lileas began, an aura of hopeful determination forming within her words. "I've felt the Force before, I know it. It may sound strange, but I feel as though the Force is blocking my own perception of the Force. Like there's a thread I'm nearly capable of grasping, but something is always pulling it away at the last moment. I don't know if it's a mental block or something else that's been done to me. This just all feels so familiar."

Lileas stood from the table and brushed a bit of snow of her dress, accepting Auteme's hand as she did so. "I will travel as far as it takes. The stars cannot stop me from seeing my dreams fulfilled. I will discover my past and create a future for not only myself, but for all those who are lost. Please, take me to this temple on Coruscant. I will train for as long as need be, no matter how long the galaxy turns."

"I would like to become a Jedi."

Auteme