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Codex Denied Aviprine

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OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION
  • Intent: To create an interesting world for people of the galaxy to visit
  • Image Credit: Crystal Image |
  • Canon: No
  • Permissions: The Crystal Guardians
  • Links: This is a re-submission of this planet. I am the original author.
GENERAL INFORMATION
  • Planet Name: Aviprine
  • Demonym: Aviprinian
  • Region: Unknown Regions.
  • System Name: Jewel System
  • System Features: Moons: Kitra, Sora. Sun: Zed. There are 3 planets that orbit around Zed and the two moons orbit around Aviprine.
  • Location: Top corner of unknown regions. Screenshot Here: I do not intend to put it on the map.
  • Major Imports: Bacta and medical supplies.
  • Major Exports: Farmed Produce, Jewelry, Kyber Crystals
  • Unexploited Resources: Kyber Crystal Mines
GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION

  • Gravity: Standard
  • Climate: Temperate
  • Primary Terrain: Grasslands, ice caps, mountains, desserts, volcanoes, islands, plains, caves, rain forests, rivers, oceans.
  • Atmosphere: Type I
LOCATION INFORMATION


  • Capital City: Kida
  • Planetary Features: Various
  • Major Locations: See Below

The Crystal Chamber


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The crystal chamber contains the largest kyber crystal on the planet. The people of Aviprine call it "The Dark Crystal" and believe it contains the souls of two deities. Aviprinians believe this crystal is the heart of Aviprine.

The Crystal Mines

The crystal mines run throughout the planet in underground passageways. Here minors dig for the Kyber Crystals to sell and craft.

The Crystal Castle

This is where the monarchy lives. It is located in the northern hemisphere of the planet.

The Crystal Falls
This is a waterfall that has kyber crystals of all colors shimmering throughout it. It is a popular vacation destination and a resort has been build on the lake for people to enjoy.

Crystal Academy
This is a school where Force sensative children are sent to learn the ways of the Force. Both light and dark is taught here, because the Aviprinians believe their elder was split into a light soul and a dark soul so they welcome both sides of the Force.

Crystal Temple
This is a place of worship. Many Aviprinians make a yearly trek to the western hemisphere of the planet to pray to the crystal spirits there.

Sapphire Space Port
This space port is located in the northern hemisphere and is where most of the traffic of Aviprine is directed. It is controlled by the monarchy and the royal family use the ships for their own personal reasons as well as for exporting and importing goods.


POPULATION


    • Native Species: None
    • Immigrated Species: Humans, Cathar
    • Population: Sparse
    • Demographics: The population is pretty evenly split between humans and Cathar. The humans and Cathar villages get along and trade among each other. There are even some villages that have both humans and Cathar living together. The population speaks galactic standard basic.
    • Culture: The population of Aviprine is mostly made up of farmers, craftsmen, and other industrial workers. Life is challenging at times, but there is peace among the villages. The population believes the Kyber Crystals that are among the planet contain spirits, and as such they worship and respect the crystals.
GOVERNMENT & ECONOMY

    • Government: Monarchy
    • Affiliation: None
    • Wealth: Moderate. The planet exports Kyber Crystals and Kyber jewlrey which is usually in demand, along with produce. The monarchy has most of the wealth but the villagers are taken care of.
    • Stability: Medium. There are those who wish to overthrown the monarchy and make a republic, but for the most part the people are happy and content.
    • Freedom & Oppression: The monarch controls all of the wealth on the planet and has absolute say over everything that occurs. The people are well cared for and free to go about daily activities without interference from the royals most of the time.
MILITARY & TECHNOLOGY

    • Military: The monarch does command a military but it is mostly foot soldiers using old fashion swords and bow and arrows. They would be completely destroyed if a technologically advanced group invaded.
    • Technology: Low technology. The monarch controls the three space ports of the planet. Most technology is used for farming or medicine, or to produce things to sell.

HISTORICAL INFORMATION
Aviprine was settled in 2BBY by a group of nomads whose leader had taken ill and could no longer travel. The planet managed to stay out of the Imperial War by closing it's borders and allowing the inhabitants to focus on internal affairs. When the nomads arrived on the planet they were shocked to discover it's beauty and the fields of kyber crystals that were present. They could feel the Force flowing through the crystals and believed they had healing abilities. They wanted to heal their leader so that she could continue to wander the galaxy. To do this the nomads placed their leader in front of a large crystal and began to chant. Aviprinian legend says the crystal spirits came alive and split the soul of the elder into two deities. These two deities blessed the nomads and told them to make Aviprine their new home. After the nomads settled Aviprine they split into different tribes to settle the lands. In order to keep the tribes together a leader was chosen to rule over all of the planet and the monarchy was established.

As time continued on Aviprine flourished and the Aviprinians began to harvest the crystals that were so plentiful. Soon Aviprine was exporting farming produce, as well as crystals and jewelry made of Kyber crystals. All seemed well until the plague struck. When the Gulag plague struck a lot of Aviprinians became ill. The elders prayed to the The Dark Crystal to protect them and heal them. According to legend the crystal spirits gave the Aviprinians the knowledge of the Force to show them how to heal and survive the plague. Soon an academy was established and all Force using children were sent to learn and train. Healers began to help the sick and those that survived the plague started to rebuild.

After the plague struck and Aviprinians learned the Force, it wasn't long before a civil war started. The lightsiders of the planet did not agree with the darksiders and the darksiders did not want to be controlled and held to a standard set by someone else. This civil war would last five years and claim the lives of many Aviprinians. Eventually a treaty was signed after a prophet declared that the elder whose soul was split by the Dark Crystal was split into dark and light. The prophet explained that both aspects of the Force were part of Aviprinian culture and both should be respected. A new order called The Crystal Guardians was formed to ensure that peace remained in the villages of Aviprine.

In the spirit of peace Aviprine began to build a resort and welcome other members of the galaxy to explore their planet. They are currently in an enlightened age of travel, art, and growth.
 
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Zak Dymo

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Z
K KAR

Thank you for your patience. I will be conducting the first level review for your submission. Even though I understand that you do not intend to have your submission included on the Chaos map, it's the goal of Codex to develop planet submissions into fully formed ideas that offer the community roleplay opportunities. As such, these go through two levels of review. First, with a Codex Judge, followed by a second with a Roleplay Judge or Administrator.

Most of my comments will be related to the template form, so I imagine we should be able to get you to the second level fairly easily. If, at any point, what I'm asking is unclear or you're not sure how to correct a piece of BB code, please don't hesitate to ask questions in this thread or request assistance in editing the OP (if desired).

1. Original Authorship.
I note that this is a re-submission of this planet, which was originally submitted by Kat'ra Smart . My understanding is that this was previously one of your accounts, but that it has become unlinked. Future reviewers, however, may not be aware of this and so, if I am correct, then I'd ask that you please make a comment affirming that you are the original author.

This is due of course to the Codex Rule that states, "Plagiarism will not be tolerated" and so I'd just like to highlight that for any future CJs/RPJs who may review this (such as on Submission Modification) in the future.


2. BB Code
As you may note by the presence of [*] and inconsistent indenting/outdenting of the sections, the BB code in your submissions seems quite broken and should be corrected or cleaned up prior to this being approved. If you need any assistance in correcting the BB code, please let me know and I'm happy to assist with that.


3. System Features (Elaborate)
System Features: Moons: Kitra, Sora. Sun: Zed

I'd like to see this expanded upon or further elaborated, if possible. Do the two moons both orbit Aviprine? (I assume yes, but there's no specific connection stated here) Are there any other astrological features of note in this star system? How many planets orbit Zed besides Aviprine? Are there any asteroid belts or debris disks? This could be as vague as saying there are "This is an X planet solar system with two moons orbiting Aviprine" to as specific as defining the habitable zone and the distance to Zed's heliopause. The choice of generality vs specificity I leave to you, but I think we could put more meat on the bone here.


4. Major Imports (Add Link)
Major Imports: Bacta and medical supplies.

While fairly common in the books, those readers with only familiarity with the screen canon may not immediately recognize Bacta as a substance and so I'd ask you to please include a link to the relevant Wookieepedia article, as can be found here.


5. Unexploited Resources (Clarify)
Unexploited Resources: N/A. There are gemstone mines on the planet but they are not worth much.

Could you give examples of the kinds of gemstones that you have in mind, here? Please link to any relevant Wookieepedia articles, if possible, for those minerals that may be common in-universe, but may not be commonly known to your readers.


6. Immigrated Species (Add Link)
Immigrated Species: Humans, Cathar

Please add a link to Cathar here, please.


7. Affiliation (Elaborate)
Affiliation: None

Are there any PCs or NPC submissions that are connected or relevant to the planet? Does your PC, for example, have a connection to the planet? If so, I would recommend adding the relevant links here.


8. Historical Information (Elaborate)
This tells a great story in isolation, but I think it's missing some connective tissue to the larger SW Chaos galaxy. The relevant Codex Rule in this instance is that planet submissions "should reflect Chaos History if applicable."

The planet was discovered over a century ago by a group of farmers looking for a place to farm.

Based on our current year on the Chaos timeline (858 ABY), this would have taken place sometime around 750 ABY? That places the colonization of Aviprine as taking place during the Four Hundred Years Darkness (428-835 ABY, please refer to this article for more information), when the Gulag Plague was still held to be a galactic pandemic. What prompted this group of farmers to take such a risk? Did they face opposition or difficulty in doing so? How did they come to identify Aviprine as a potential colony during the period?


I think that sums up my review. Once those points are addressed, this should be ready to move along. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns, otherwise just tag me when you have completed your edits.
 
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Zak Dymo

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Z
K KAR

If you'd like, I can edit the OP and fix the bullet code for you. I'll just need you to reply here if you'd like me to do that.
 
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Zak Dymo

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Z
K KAR

Thank you for those edits. I particularly like how you re-worked the history to connect it with the Chaos timeline.

On a second look through, I realized I'd missed this.

  • Force Nexus (Optional): N/A
  • Intent: N/A
  • Nexus Name: N/A
  • Nexus Alignment: N/A
  • Size: N/A
  • Strength: N/A

As per the Codex Rules, if a Force Nexus is not included in the planet submission then these sections of the template can be removed.
 
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K KAR

I'm more than a little surprised to see this planet being submitted again. When Aviprine was submitted the first time it was built in such a way that when you removed/archived the associated submissions because you were no longer writing the characters/family that it was made for - It left the planet submission gutted. Full of irreparable holes. Due to the fact that Aviprine was essentially destroyed, in light of that, we allowed you a one-time Archival and Removal. We won't be able to do that again.

The first problem to address is the Intent of this Planet:

Intent: To create the homeworld for my character. It will also play a part in some of her stories. I do not want it on the map.

Planets that are created with the sole purpose of providing a backdrop for one character aren't typically sustainable unless there's enough Lore/History to let it shine beyond that scope. Planets are created and submitted to the Codex for the Community to enjoy. They are all judged with the potential that they could be placed on the map. This is true regardless of whether or not you actually intend to do so. That holds no bearing, aside, from the fact that we want you to be familiar with how the process adding planets works.

There has already been confusion as to how the first version of the planet got added to the map and we will be avoiding that at all costs in the future.

Now...You can certainly work your characters into the world, it can certainly feature them, but a Planet needs to hold the potential to stand alone - Without them. Archiving a small handful of submissions shouldn't result in the world being unplayable.

I would suggest going through this submission to ensure that there is something solid here to offer the general public. Try and flesh out the History a little more. Switch up the Intent.

As the template states: "The more background you set down, the more clearly others will be able to understand your view of your creation."

For Rest of the Submission:
  • Major Imports: Bacta and medical supplies.
  • Major Exports: N/A This is a small farming planet that does not sell anything.
  • Unexploited Resources: N/A.
How does the planet pay for bacta and medical supplies when they export nothing and the economy is so very destitute? I would suggest adding an export, such as grain, or foodstuffs. It's an easy tweak that could add to the sense of poverty by having to choose between food and medicine.

Technology: There's a bit of disparity here. It claims that the planet has zilch as far as tech goes, however, Metagenetix has an HQ there? That's some pretty in-depth bioengineering. There's also a secret research facility mentioned in Major Locations. The end of the History states "Now the Jedi of the planet are working to bring much-needed resources to the small farming planet of Aviprine" but how are they doing this without ships, technology, or credits? Are they in communications with another group? With only one vessel, that most of the planet doesn't have access to, it doesn't make much sense.

Overall it is a very good start, however, it needs a good once over and a lot more detail in several areas.

Please look it over and feel free to tag me when you're ready. Or - I can move it to the Pre-Codex so you can work on it at your leisure.
 
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Srina Talon Srina Talon thank you for all of the helpful info. It makes a lot of sense. I have been struggling with a lot of continuity with this character and the family so I’m just trying to get back on track.

Can you move it to the pre-codex? I think you are right that it needs more work so I’d like to be able to take my time.
 
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Feedback:

Dread QueenToday at 2:03 PM
  • You're missing Major Locations and Government: Mocharch - I think you mean Monarchy?
  • I would suggest fleshing it out more. Add some interesting features. Maybe details is what farming goods they export. The history is still very, very sparse.
  • You could go a few routes. Maybe, go into detail about what everyday life is like?
  • Our how things have changed?
  • More info about what happened with the Gulag plague?
  • It should have something to offer - A reason to go there. Maybe think about a hidden resource.
  • Like kyber crystals?
 
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Zak Dymo

Guest
Z
K KAR

1. Image Credit.

This is Concept Art: Manaforge by Gycinn. Your image credit should properly credit the artist. Here's an article that can help you with regard to sourcing images and proper crediting.

2. Planetary Features.
Planetary Features: Various

Could you elaborate on this? Is the surface area majority land formation or water? Are there one or more continents? Heavy or sparse vegetation?

3. Affiliation.
Affiliation: None

Are there any PCs or NPC submissions that are connected or relevant to the planet? Does your PC, for example, have a connection to the planet? If so, I would recommend adding the relevant links here.

Those are my thoughts. Please tag me when you have completed any edits.
 
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