Private Before I go to War

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

The ball had been interesting. Judah had not expected to see Mal at the soiree. She had been dancing with Damrys, and the twinge of jealousy which he felt seeing it bothered him a little. They had agreed whatever it was they were doing was not completely exclusive, but they had also decided it was something important, significant. Did Judah have a right to be jealous? He did not even know, but there was something else.

Coruscant.

The devastation of the planet had been major. Judah had been trying to locate the headmistress, but when she did not want to be found, she knew how to stay hidden. The school had been abandoned. Mal had not been answering her comms. He had been relieved to see her, but also… hurt. Why had she not reached out to tell him she was okay? It was not difficult for a narrative to form in his mind.

Now that he knew she was on the planet, it did not take long to figure out where she was staying. It should not have been a surprise after all. She was Hapan, something Judah should have remembered when he was looking for her. Maybe she had been there this entire time. Judah shook it out of his head. That came from his worry, his concern, his…

…love?

When Judah examined his feelings the question was certainly there. Did he love Malcoma? That was why he was standing outside her door.

He knocked on it.

Judah had to know the truth. He knew what he felt when the day they had decided to try being something. It was never meant to be anything serious, that was what they had discussed, but it was supposed to be meaningful. Maybe Judah didn't know how to do meaningful without the serious part. It was also possible Judah had just been so worried that he needed to know she was okay.

Whatever had him outside her door, he needed answers because war was not going away. The Dark Empire was not the only threat. They had simply been the most recent. The Sith Order had also been on the move. First it had been the Caldera Crisis, and now as their borders grew closer together it was clear what they intended.

He had to know. Judah couldn't go to war without knowing his own feelings, hers, and whether she would be safe.

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

The door creaked as it opened.

Then a short silence fell.

"Whatever happened to your hair, darling?"

Mal was struck as she had never been before by the realization of how inappropriate that was for, not only a greeting of sorts, but the first thing the Jedi had heard from her in months. Old habits of acting aloof and detached had proven hard to break, but perhaps that was just as well. Perhaps therein lied some, but evidently not most, of her charms. She, of course, was not one to verbally apologize but she did want to abate the damage her instinctive question had probably just done.

Insult to injury: she didn't have to be Force sensitive to feel the weight that her silence and absence brought to the reunion.

She seized forward two strides and stood up on the toes of her high heels to wrap him in a rare hug. One of her hands slid into his hair, gently holding his head near to hers. "Don't answer that," she demanded softly in his ear in lieu of an apology.

She'd let him decide when to pull back.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

"Whatever happened to your hair, darling?"

Judah smiled. It was a cocky grin, but nothing that would suggest he had been offended by her greeting. The greeting was something he may have taken issue with, had it not been Mal. This was her way. This was their way. Malcolma had been teasing him from the day they had met, and if that ever changed he would likely take her temperature. It was the same kind of banter which reminded him of Katara, even if he knew she was different.

He opened his mouth to give some quick witted reply, but before he could, the woman pulled him into a hug. The tension of her silence and absence since the attack on Coruscant melted away in an instant. She pulled his head close, and whispered into his ear.

“Don’t answer that.”

It was not a suggestion. It was a command. Judah simply nodded. His arms wrapped around her, enveloping her into his embrace. The silence would have been awkward, but the closeness they shared eclipsed everything. Her scent was familiar, the fragrance Judah knew well was the one she wore tonight. He had always liked her perfume. The shape of her in his arms felt right, as though it was where she belonged, and what he was meant to be doing.

He did not ask if he could enter, Judah just did. A few steps with the woman still in his arms was all he needed before closing the door behind them. His fingers lifted Mal’s chin, guiding her lips to his. The kiss was soft, but longing. It said everything he could not in the moment and conveyed the emotion their reunion should.

Judah smiled when the kiss broke, his forehead against hers.

“I am glad you are safe.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

Her eyes fluttered closed when they kissed and stayed closed as their foreheads rested together.

Judah could be so gentle with her and was so often. Was it bad to admit to herself that she enjoyed this? That she had missed this? She'd allow herself to receive this affection, especially now that they were behind the closed door of a rental house.

"I'm alive," she corrected, "not quite safe."

After a few more moments of lingering in his embrace, she opened her eyes, set her feet back on the floor, and pulled away. "How...?" she began before holding up a hand as if to interrupt herself. "Shadow. That's right." In her preoccupation with what was to become of her tenants, her companies, Damris, and herself, she had forgotten almost everything else. Details that used to be important to her either personally or to her line of work had fallen away; there was no way she could keep hold of them while worry for the future consumed her days.

As he suspected, she hadn't wanted anyone to find her after the invasion, but even her practiced disappearing act couldn't confuse the ways of the Force. The way she had conducted herself didn't mean she no longer cared for him though. She hoped that he didn't make her say that aloud. It was embarrassing enough to tell it to herself, and to stand in front of him while doing so:

It was because, contrary to what planning for the future might usually evidence, she no longer cared about herself.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

Alive, not safe. Judah crinkled his nose, his forehead wrinkling as he gave her a look. She knew well enough to know that if she was in trouble the Jedi was not going to rest until she told him what it was, and how he could help. If there was anyone Judah would stretch the boundaries of what it meant to be a Jedi for, it was her.

"You know you can just say that," he said when he finally let her go.

They couldn't continue to stand in the doorway, and Judah never had a problem with making himself at home wherever Mal was living. He took his outer cloak off and set over the back of a chair. Even if she wanted him gone, Judah was signaling that he was not leaving anytime soon. Besides, the way she kissed him back told him everything he needed to know.

"Once I saw you at the ball, I knew you'd be on the planet somewhere."

He smiled.

A few steps took him to the sofa where Judah sat down. He patted the seat, indicating he wanted the blonde to sit down.

"You okay?"

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

She didn't argue, or roll her eyes nor sigh dramatically when he took off his outer cloak.

"You were there then too?" she asked rhetorically, referring to the royal event. "I didn't not notice on purpose. I wasn't paying attention to much of anything except where to put my feet when Damris made me dance."

When he beckoned her to sit down with him, she walked in the direction he just had but paused when she had to take a turn. "I'm being domestic," she told him before continuing into the kitchen.

The surface of the counter beside the oven marble was lightly dusted with flour. A sheet of shortbread cookie dough lay atop it, half of which was still solid while the other half was cut into two kinds of circles—one likewise solid and the other with a hole in the center. On the way to the counter, she picked up the apron she had tossed over the stove range and tied it around her waist. She then got back to cutting out cookies. "I have to finish this before the dough dries out," she said loud enough for her voice to carry out into the living room.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

Judah nodded. He had been there. Was he going to own the bit of jealousy which had him at her door, no. She did not need to know he was slightly jealous of the fact he had seen her dancing with Damris. If there was ever someone he did not need to be jealous of, it was him. Mal would be able to figure out if she wanted to, but something else was on her mind.

Domestic?

The Jedi quirked his brow, but the blonde had already turned her back to dash off to the kitchen. She needed to finish what? Was Malcome baking? He chuckled to himself as he pushed himself up from the sofa. They were not going to be sitting and talking about the problem. Mal was already making cookies.

The Jedi came up behind the Hapan and wrapped his arms around her waist. Judah did his best to not interrupt her work, though the temptation to brush her hair to the side and kiss her neck was strong. His stomach was also gurgling. He was hungry. The food which had been at the ball was what one could expect at an event of sort. Light fare and appetizers offered on trays did not often satisfy a grown man’s hunger.

He let go and started looking in the cold storage and cabinets. Judah assumed they had little in them, because Mal was likely not planning on feeding more than just her, and maybe Damris if he stayed. She quietly worked, and Judah let her. They needed to talk, but the Shadow had learned with Mal that timing was everything. He could press all he wanted, but she would tell him when she was good and ready to.

“Baking?”

What Judah was really saying was… talk to me.

“I’ll make some dinner while you finish those.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

It was clear what he was trying to say, but she still chose not to acknowledge it, yet. "Yes," she replied, literally confirming that she was baking. "It's my choice method of procrastination. Makes me feel in control. Don't you dare laugh."

She was talking to him though, in her own way.

"Make something nutritious," she requested after he made his intention to cook dinner known. "I've been eating like a coddled college student."

Judah's assumption would prove incorrect; both the pantry and refrigerator were relatively well-stocked with expensive staples. When she had rented this house for a short stay, the property manager had stocked up the kitchen for her. However, Mal's statement tracked. If she hadn't been eating well, of course she would have barely touched any of the food. Pasta boxes were open and half-full. Sleeves of crackers were in similar states. So was a jar of peanut butter. A block of cheese had been cut into as well.

Fortunately, the seal on only one bottle in the cold wine racks beside the fridge had been broken.

In fact, the baking endeavor she was currently in the middle of might have been the most involved preparation she had done in weeks.

"I didn't mean to end up on Hapes," she said honestly, "but I..." She hesitated, not wanting to mention this at all on one hand but knowing she'd better on the other. "...I have a contact here and I didn't know where else to go. I can't stomach being at either Eden's or the Guesthouse right now.

"The girls are all at Family estates on Epica," she added quickly. "I didn't abandon them." As if she would. She was just taking some time to herself to figure things out.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

Something healthy. Judah nodded. The cabinets confirmed her words, and Judah frowned, but he did not let her see it. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was worried. Mal was worried about her girls, and he knew it. She was always concerned about them. Yet, she still did not truly answer the question. Why did she say she was not safe? What was going on?

He had to let her procrastinate. Malcolma would tell him, unless she did not want him to meddle. Judah would if he knew what was going on. The blonde was fully aware of that. They knew each other too well. Their time together was not frivolous or casual. It was intimate. They were intimate.

Judah went to the stove with meats, vegetables, and noodles. It took about thirty minutes to prep everything, but the master chef had a fresh and homemade red sauce cooking, breaded eggplant and poultry. All of it lay on a bed of noodles, topped with cheese and the red sauce. The plates were set on the table. For as much as Judah enjoyed his meats, he also loved the eggplant he made. He had both on his plate, as did Malcoma.

“You’re on the run then?”

It was the question which came directly to her. Maybe he did not want to wait for her to get to what was actually happening. At least the girls were safe, he assumed they were safe. Judah reached across the table to take Mal’s hand.

“You’re safe here, Mal. War with the Sith is coming. We are attacking.”

It was a heavy topic, and maybe Judah’s timing was horrid, but he knew the moment he walked out the door of the house he was headed straight for war. He was not hanging back this time. Judah was a Shadow, and they needed him for subterfuge.

“I am being sent this time.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

In the time it took him to prepare and cook dinner, she was done baking and assembling the linzer cookies. She stacked a few on a platter and placed in on the dining table for dessert.

"Don't be so dramatic," she responded to the suggestion that she was on the run.

A hint of a smile graced her face when Judah held her hand. "I know," she said next, agreeing that, despite what she had said half an hour ago, she was safe here and that war was coming. She shifted the conversation, gratefully taking the opportunity to talk about him though his internal assessment was correct. It was a heavy topic, even for someone like her who had seen and experienced so much of the violence the galaxy was capable of. She had let it jade her, and desensitize her for the most part, but some of it was still too much to acknowledge.

But with Judah she could do anything.

"Give them hell, darling." She squeezed his hand momentarily. Her eyes were almost always serious but they seemed even more so now. "I was passed from the hands of one horrid slaver to another, but I count myself lucky to have never called a Sith master. I would, truly, not wish that kind of Darkness on my worst enemy—not even another slaver."

The meaning of that coming from her couldn't have fit in the largest of star systems.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

This was the part Judah especially hated. Maybe it would have been easier had he left the planet. Seeing Mal was needed, but it was also dangerous because the temptation to stay increased every time they saw each other. Judah had refused to use the force to search whether her feelings were remotely similar, but he gathered by her body language that she was happy he had knocked on the door.

His brow cocked at the insinuation he was being dramatic. It was her way of neither confirming nor denying how close he was to the truth. It did not really matter. She was separated from her girls, and Judah was here with her, alone. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was laying low, and it was for more than just clearing her head. Though her domestic behavior was telling of the stress she felt. It was done so she could think. That part was true, even if it was not the whole truth.

This would be easier if he did not know Malcoma as well as he did. It would be a meal, reassurance, a good time with a friend. What made it difficult was part of it felt like goodbye. It was something he did a lot, bid his farewells to people he was close to or fond of. His years alone had been kinder to him in that regard, even if he had been lonely in them.

“Give them hell, darling.”

“That is the plan,” he said in response.

Her past gave this part of the conversation a particular punctuation. She hated slavery, and those who peddled in it. Saying she would not wish mastery by the Sith on her worst enemy said something. It gave her opinion of what she thought of her ilk.

Malcoma hated them more.

He should have told her not to hate, but she was not a Jedi. Judah had to remind himself of that. Katara had not been a Jedi either, and certain of their practices the redhead Corellian had found odd, even if she was as good as they came. She had been his light, a true beacon when things were dark. The memory of her often kept Judah from falling too far, and pushed him past what he thought was possible.

She was for him what Judah was for Malcoma.

The thought made him feel guilty.

Judah pushed the food around on his plate before finally taking a bite. It was delicious, but his appetite was waning. Were they just playing at house, avoiding the fact this could be the last time they saw each other? Was Judah going to share a similar moment with his son, his grandson, those that he had attached himself too or called family.

His eyes looked up to Mal.

“It could be a long campaign,” he smirked and shook his head. “I’m always coming and going.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

Once she had finished speaking, she began to cut up part of her chicken breast. The sense of his gaze being on her drew hers up. Likewise, she rose her fork to her lips, taking a bite of meat.

He spoke the possibility of being away for a long time. Mal's lips pulled into a closed-mouth smile as she chewed. "Mm," was the only sound she made for a few moments, the time it took her to chew, swallow, set down her fork, and dab at her mouth with her napkin. She set it back into her lap, looking down at the folded piece of cloth as she did so.

"Are you breaking up with me?" she asked calmly, taking extra care to enunciate each word.

She didn't have the self-awareness in that moment to realize that she should have been expecting that tonight. They might have agreed upon a hopeless paradox—a relationship both meaningful and casual—but, even still, ghosting him for so long had been out of line. It had hurt both of them.

"You can," she continued, glancing up at him. Despite her reputation in the various underworlds of the Core, she was nothing like a slaver behind closed doors. She had never retained ownership over any of her tenants, nor had she ever coerced them in any way to stay with her. Her relationship with Judah was a very different situation than the one she had with her girls, and occasionally boys, but one aspect was the same: she refused to keep anyone by her side who didn't want to be there.

Specifically, fighting a man to get him to stay went against everything she stood for.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

Judah nearly spit the food out of his mouth when Mal asked if he was breaking up with her. First Judah was not sure if their status was something that would require a break up. She did disappear and ignore him. What did the kids call it? Ghosting? For all he knew she had moved on or did not want his attention anymore. They were an item, but they were not all at the same time. It was supposed to be simple, even if meaningful.

It was complicated.

The other issue, and the one Judah was driving at, was that he was never around. Katara had hated that part of him being a Jedi, and it seemed that whenever Mal actually needed him, Judah was off on some mission. Now he was going off to war. It was an admission of guilt.

Hearing he could hit him harder than he wanted it to.

“Wait… what… no… I didn’t say that… just that I’m never around.”

The look of surprise on his face would be enough to tell the blonde he was genuine. He was not thinking about ending their relationship. Judah liked Mal’s company. What they had was special and unique in its own way. It would be foolish to throw it away. Judah could only think of a few reasons why what they had would need to end, or come to one.

Dying was one of them, which was what made him feel guilty. This could be the last time they saw each other, and here he was knowing every moment with her was short. They did not have a lot of time before Judah would leave again.

“Why… are you asking? Did you want to?”

It was probably a foolish question to ask.

“Wait. Don’t answer that, and I’ll just explain.”

He took a drink of water.

“I am expressing remorse over the fact I am never around, and feeling some guilt that I found you just to leave again. I know you said that you wanted something casual, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. My wife and son resented how much I was gone.”

He looked at Mal.

“Maybe I am just afraid that history will repeat itself.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

Against every one of her instincts, she stayed quiet and let him speak.

"Resent?" she asked after a beat, a smirk slowly working its way onto her face. Perhaps now was not the best time for a joke, but the alternative was remaining serious and Mal didn't want to do that—not about this. When she thought about it too much, she felt like her was stealing Judah from Katara. Mal had never liked the idea of cheating with a man on his female partner. She was a strange criminal indeed, one who drew her own surprising moral lines in the sand. Obviously, Judah was a widower, but there was almost still a spirit here, and it made Mal deeply uncomfortable when she dwelled too long.

"Me?" She didn't appreciate in that moment how he was worried about that. It should really have been the other way around: her explaining herself to him and asking for acceptance. "I'm quite good at entertaining myself, Judah." That was not the best word since she didn't always, or even really mostly, have fun doing the things she found to occupy herself with. "You don't have to worry about that with me.

"You don't need to worry about anything with me," she added. "I'll be alright while you're away." She sipped her water as well, then smoothed it over her lips. "Many Family members went dark after the invasion. I'm not being hunted, I'm not deserting, I'm just..." She let out a heavy sigh, which she almost never did. "...trying to find a new footing. I'm thinking about taking a more active position with a slicer cell on Etti IV that's rebelling against the local corporate sector. They've also got a freedom trail going to ferry slaves to safety."

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

The Jedi did everything in his power to avoid taking advantage of the easy joke he could make at Mal’s expense. Her wording sometimes made it far too simple to do, but this was not the time to walk through an open door. They were being serious, or trying to be. Even then the two did not avoid the banter which naturally flowed between them.

Judah nodded as she explained her life was more one of transition than it was running. Granted if the Family was disbanding or going to ground, Malcoma did not have the security which came from the protection they often provided for her endeavors. The girls she cared for would not have the same guarantees, not without significant change.

He processed all of it, then smiled.

“Have you ever thought about turning everything legit? The Galactic Alliance could both fund and protect what you’re doing with these girls. There would be a few hoops to jump through, but if you’re already in transition then why not?”

Judah gave Mal a little nudge under the table.

“Besides, it’s not like you don’t know someone who could make that easier.”

He winked and then sighed.

“Thank you,” he said. “I’m still going to worry about it a little though.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

Mal bit back the first reply that came to her tongue.

The first few, actually.

"Judah," she finally said slowly. "I'm not going to do that."

He'd know how rarely she showed this much restraint. The effort it took was all but boiling her blood. Her heart rate was up. Her pupils had slightly dilated. She was mad that he would even suggest what he just had, but perhaps she hadn't ever properly told him the story of why she had chosen to do what she did how she was doing it. If she hadn't, it was only right try to stay calm and explain.

"I can't do this legally." She rose her right hand from the table, turning the palm to face her. All of its digits looked perfectly organic, but the pointer finger was cybernetic under realistic synthflesh. She had willingly received it when she had become a Made Woman in the Family. "Mob or not. They were never the ones keeping me on their side of the law. I was already here. It seemed in my best interest to make friends."

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: @Malcome Hesse

“I know.”

There was really nothing more to say on the matter. She knew him well enough by now to know that if he did not suggest it at least he was not being true to who he was. Judah had gone legitimate and joined the Jedi. His story was different from hers, and he knew she had her reasons. There was freedom she had to do what needed to be done that the law did not always provide. Security did not make one more free. Freedom was often traded for safety and security. Mal had found a way to do what she needed to do, and Judah could not get in the way of that.

It was quiet for a little while. Judah was okay with it. He did not need her to talk, and he did not need to say anything to know they were okay. This was simply who they were. Nothing about it made sense other than the fact they found something in each other made their relationship something more than a good friendship. The quiet at least let them finish their meal.

Judah rose and cleared the plates and started on the dishes. She was not the only one that could be fully domesticated at times. Though Judah guessed his time as a husband and father made it a bit more natural for him to fall into. He was not really sure. What Judah did know was Mal often fell into those habits when she needed a break or was stressed about something. He could still smell the aroma of her baking which lingered in the kitchen. The pastries were tempting him.

“Well, I am glad you’re okay,” he finally said, indicating that he was changing the subject. They did not need to linger on it. “I can stay for a while if you’d like. We can forget the cares of the galaxy for a few days if you want.”

It was his way of saying he had missed her.

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

"What an odd segue."

She had put the baking ingredients away as she had been waiting on the cookies' oven timer to run out, but she hadn't gotten to the dishes as she didn't want to get in Judah's way. Now, through, she stood next to him at the sink, ready to load the dishwasher with the dishes he had rinsed. When there was no more room in the appliance, she would lay a couple overlapping towels on the counter and use another to dry off whatever he handed her before setting it down.

"Stay," she added anyway. "Yes."

She had missed him too. She hadn't told him yet that spending this time on Hapes had shown her what her life might have been like if she had grown up here. No slavery, no mistreatment, no need to fight dirty for female freedom. No need to even fight fairly for female freedom. That was a given in this society.

Up until the moment Judah had made his presence known to her, imagining herself as anything but a woman scorned only upset her further. And now? Well, now, she was at a tentative peace with him, with the idea that that possible version of her could have been unironically domestic, could have had a real partner instead of a literal partner in crime.

She began to dry her hands off, then handed the towel to Judah for him to do the same. "Damris' accommodation is across the street. I'll tell him to leave us alone. You won't have to share me." Perhaps Judah hadn't seen Mal dance with her bodyguard, but perhaps he had, and, if he had, Mal knew well how most men got in similar situations. She didn't want him to be jealous, not because it was annoying or she felt obliged to abate his feeling, but because she truly cared.

"Come help me move the caf table."

With that, she walked back into the living room and stooped to slip off her heels before stepping onto the plush carpet.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

Wearing: xxx
Tag: Malcoma Hesse

It was odd, but only because Judah knew better than to keep talking about their differences, or pushing her to accept a way of life she did not want. At the end of it they were both who they were and they were not changing. He was far too old and set in his ways, and she had her reasons for doing things the way she did. They had chosen whatever this was with each other knowing what they were, and who they were.

Judah just had to believe they could each live with it.

He nodded at the mention of Damris. The Jedi appreciated the fact she told him he would not have to share. In truth they both knew what they had decided. When they were together, they were together. When they were apart… Judah knew there had been others, and possibly that there still were. The pair had never talked about exclusivity. With the war, Judah didn’t want to. If he did die, Malcoma needed her network. He would not take that away from her.

A smirk pulled at his lips as Judah used the force to lift the table.

“Where do you want it?”

He was going to get a lot of flack for it, but what was the point of being able to use the force if he could not show off at home when it counted.

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

Her delicate fingers had just wrapped around one of the table's wooden edges when Judah reached out towards it through the Force. As he lifted it away, she straightened back up, withdrew her hands, and gave Judah an exasperated look. Her head was tilted to one side and she rolled her eyes. "Just out of the way," she said before holed out one hand. "I'm not interested in what all your magic hands can do, darling. But do try not to step on my toes."

Judah Lesan​