Private Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

[Damsy Callat]

The Reef's kitchen, Coruscant
// Kai Bamarri \\
​

Brunch was not a meal that the Reef normally served. Motina said that the timing would ruin one's appetite. But one couldn't really ruin their appetite if it never actually went away.

Blame the shark half of her.

After breakfast had been served for the morning, Damsy helped to clean up. Then she made a mess all over again by fixing some of Kai's favorite dishes. While they were baking, she set the small table in the kitchen than was rarely used for anything besides a buffet space.

"I hope you two have a nice talk," the elder had said to her before washing her hands on last time, hopping down off the counter, and meandering away to preoccupy herself with something, anything besides cooking.

Damsy took a deep breath, sighing it out quietly. "Me too," she whispered on the exhale. She had been in a weird mindspace ever since the arrival of Andromache, but not because of the arrival of Andromache. Instead, it was tied to the reaction Kai had had to it. It was like there was a war in her head between being right and being motherly. Every time she saw Kai, it felt like it was about to cleave in two.

Because of it, she hadn't talked to him much at any one time beginning at the Life Day party. She wanted that to change even though she was scared, scared that getting closer to her son again would only pose him to push her away harder the next time they were at odds, but even more scared, she had realized, that he would come to hate her as she had once hated Darth Metus with all her heart. To misunderstand why she had surfaced for a breath.

But could she explain it to him? If Kai answered his holomessages and came to brunch, she'd soon find out.

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai was lying on his side in his quarters, staring at the opposite wall to his bed. Ostensibly, he wasn’t feeling well—an excuse that would’ve been laughable to anyone who knew him. Barring extremely rare occurrences, Kai the Doppelganger never got sick. His physiology was too good at filtering out toxins and invaders.

Maybe the same couldn’t be said of Kai Bamarri.

From the looks of it, this was a purely mental malaise. He was bothered, and upset, and exhausted by all that he had seen and done these past few months. His charm ring, the device which hid his Sithspawn status from detection, stayed on his finger all the time now. He was scared to take it off and see his true aura, afraid of his own shadow.

Now Damsy had asked him to come to brunch. He knew it wasn’t just a simple offer of food. She wanted to talk to him, have a heart-to-heart. Such a conversation between them was long overdue, and maybe that was why he was dreading it so much.

On a little table at the opposite end of the room, there sat a wooden sphere. Normally it remained hidden away in a drawer. Kai had taken it out, intending to work on the intricate carving that covered its outer surface, but he had lost the motivation and tumbled into bed instead. Now he focused on it, trying to bask in the warm Light of the enchanted ankarres wood. It hurt him, but in a good way. Or it would’ve, if he had been in a better state of mind. Right now it just stung.

He checked his chrono for what felt like the hundredth time. If he was going to be there, he’d have to leave now.

Slowly, he rose from the bed, glanced at his reflection in a cracked mirror, then headed for the kitchen. He paused in the doorway, turning back to put the wooden sphere away. Then he picked up his lightsaber and clipped it to his belt. He was just going to meet with Damsy, and he was bringing a weapon?

Yes, apparently.

The kitchen was jarringly quiet. Normally it was filled with hustle and bustle, or at the very least the sound of Motina singing. Damsy was the only other person there now, along with a table full of food, his favorites included. He hadn’t eaten breakfast, so the sight of all that food made his stomach whimper.

He glanced up at Damsy. <Hi.>

Damsy Callat​

 

[Damsy Callat]

Damsy smiled a polite, controlled kind of smile when she saw Kai. Her eyes flicked momentarily down to his belt, where his lightsaber hung. She fought the clouds threatening to pull over her face, and won, and went back to smiling again. It was okay. Considering how comporting Kai found the Jedi, perhaps by association so did their weapons.

"'M glad you came," she replied. "Hope you're hungry."

She took the initiative to sit down, not entirely sure he would himself.

Maybe he wantsss to kill usss.

Damsy forced herself to ignore Syreni as she unfolded a cloth napkin and spread it over her lap.

"Go in. Dig in," she mumbled.



**
Kai Bamarri

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Damsy invited him to sit, so he did. She bid him eat, so he did. He piled food onto his plate, took a cautious bite, and found that it was possible to eat even when one didn’t feel worthy of sustenance. What that meant, he wasn’t sure.

<Thanks,> he said. <For making all this.>

He could tell Damsy had cooked most of it. The food didn’t have the same methodology or practiced finesse that marked the meals Motina prepared. Eggs that weren’t folded over perfectly, waffles where the batter had bubbled over the edge of the mold, bacon not cooked for as long.

His appreciation could be felt through his telepathy. He’d meant what he said, even if he still dreaded the shift from pleasantries to any deeper conversation. Or maybe he didn’t dread it, he was just… well, he couldn’t be happy about it.

Damsy Callat​

 

[Damsy Callat]

She followed Kai's lead now, but served herself altogether less food. She tented her hands over a short stock of pancakes and a side of eggs melted with some shredded cheese. "You're welcome, starfish," she said, voice stronger as Syreni went quiet for now. "I jus' wanna make sure you're good..." A lack of words came. Damsy sighed to reset her vocabulary. "Up 'til last night, I thought that meant givin' you space. But I-I realized I hadn't asked you if that was true."

Here goes.

The need to be motherly won out. His needs had to come before hers.

"Whatddya need from me, Kai?"



**
Kai Bamarri

 

[Kai Bamarri]

Kai stopped eating, looking across the table at Damsy with a lowered head and raised eyes.

<Need?>

It was a half-thought, a fragment of a query. Damsy had been good to him. But what did he “need” from Damsy?

Well, he supposed he just plain needed her. The support she provided, and the chance to have a mother, complete with all the bells and whistles and drying of tears that entailed, were what he needed.

<Um.>

He scratched his nose, wracking his brain for what he should say. Of course, he knew what had been happening lately. He knew what she was probably upset with him about, or why she was worried. But where was he to start?

<I know that you’re mad at me about Andromache. And probably worried about me because I killed that smuggler when we went to go pick up Kiber.>

But you don’t know half of what I’ve done, Damsy. You don’t know about Boz Pity, or Claudia, or Iris Arani , or Arcturus Dinn . I’m scared, Damsy. I know I don’t look it, but I am.

He actually did look pretty freaked out at that moment, but it could be chalked up to just fear of punishment over what he’d actually mentioned. Andromache and the smuggler, yes. Let those be his only points of contention on this battlefield.

Damsy Callat​

 

[Damsy Callat]

Yessss.

Damsy shook her head, casting off both Syreni's confirmation and Kai's reply. What he had said wasn't an answer, not really. If he wasn't ready to give one, though, that was alright. Now he knew she was open to being better, whatever that meant.

"Let's put that 'side for now," she said instead, "an' focus on when you lashed out at me."

<You think it matters whether you take personal offense? You may wish you had a child of your own, but do you want it to be just like you? A freak tainted by the Dark Side from birth, having to hide from the galaxy, living in fear and loathing?>

That was back when Andromache had come, but Damsy saw this specific instance as separate from the occasion and ensuing controversy itself. He had made his feelings towards the Machine Mother and her baby known, as well as towards Damsy, Claudia, and Kal. "Baby, I need ya to know I love you. So goddamn much. I'd swim laps 'round any planet's equator to keep you happy."

A premature, keep-back-tears sniff.

"But I don't know how to do that. I don't know if we're okay. I..." She slid a hand into her head of braids. "I'm scared I'm makin' you miserable."

The irony hang heavier than abyssal water pressure.



**
Kai Bamarri

 

[Kai Bamarri]

As Damsy brought up what he’d said to her, Kai gnawed on his lip. His fork clinked against his plate, his appetite receding as he tried to figure out what to say.

<I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, or Claudia, or… okay, maybe I did mean to hurt Kal…> At least he was being honest. <But that’s because Kal sucks.> His vocabulary needed some work.

<You’re not making me miserable. I’m making myself miserable.>

Telepathy should’ve made it easier for him to articulate his feelings, but he was so tightly wound, so intensely private and full of secrets nowadays, he could barely get a thought out that wasn’t carefully filtered. Only mention what was safest to talk about. It took him a second or two to continue, this time without holding back as much.

<I don’t like what I am right now. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I’ve tried to not be the Doppelganger for so long, but it feels like I’m forgetting what it was like to not be him. I even tried to find a way to change myself. I… went to the Sith to ask them if they could help me, but it was impossible. I’m stuck like this forever, and it isn’t really me…>

Damsy Callat​

 

[Damsy Callat]

So, he had actually gone to the Sith.

That much wasn't surprising.

What was was that he had beat Damsy to it.

She had always assumed that Reverse Alchemy—if such a thing even existed by a different, more apt name, which it seemed it did not—wouldn't even theoretically work on her without also killing her. Being a product rather than an augmentation of Sith Magic meant that there was nothing for her clock of creation to be rewound to other than two strings of DNA unable to live on their own. It was more than ironic what had given them a chance in the galaxy had also condemned them within it.

Simple logic told her that turning back was never a personal option to be taken, assuming she wanted to continue living. She did, badly, but was beginning to doubt that she even deserved that much. It was hard to keep the faith when convinced that few around her truly saw the worth in a life spawned of pure evil. She had never sought out the Sith because she did not need to be crushed twice: first by herself, once more by them.

At least Kai had had a hope, even if it had been starved out easily.

"Oh, baby, baby—" Damsy stood from her seat to walk around the breakfast table and kneel by Kai's. She moved to wrap him in a hug. Her voice had been soft all this time, but a watery edge brought with it even more sweetness. Love and vulnerability. "We're all stuck."

When it felt right, the Siren pulled back to sit on her haunches. "I have this...woman...inside of me. Who I was meant to be born. I try not to be her, too."

Syreni was quiet.



**
Kai Bamarri

 

[Kai Bamarri]

"We're all stuck."

<I wasn’t,> Kai protested, even as he wilted in Damsy’s arms. He was bigger than she was, but still collapsed in her embrace like a child. <I wasn’t stuck. I was free once. I remember that much, or else why would I want it back?>

Memories of a time before Dag, before Amelia, before Messala and Khayyam—perhaps even before Gerda, his guardian, had found him in Bamarre. Maybe from before he had been “born” at all.

<I have longings in me that nothing can satisfy, and that can only mean I was meant for another world. Another life, where I wasn’t so alone.>

He turned toward Damsy, a strange look on his face, and started to babble. To the uninitiated, his words might sound half-crazed, the ravings of a fevered brain. But in Kai’s head, it all made sense.

<I wasn’t always alone. There was another one like me, but a Sith hurt her so badly she couldn’t survive it for long. She wanted me to die with her but I was too afraid. I wanted to live, but I never knew if it was right for me to live like this, and sometimes I look at all the wasteland that lies before me, a thousand years of suffering to look forward to, and I wonder why I didn’t just let her take me home, become one with the Force right then and there.

<I went to the one who killed her, to have justice, or revenge, I don’t know anymore—but I thought to ask him first if anything could be done to stop this poison in me… He talked a little, made suggestions, but none of it was what I wanted. So I tried to arrest him, but I failed. He put something in my eyes that made me sleep, and then he got away…>

He buried his face in Damsy’s chest as though trying to hide in shame and disgrace. He hadn't commented on the last part of what she'd said about herself, about having someone else inside her who she was meant to be, but refused to become. Perhaps because for him, it was the opposite. The being inside him was the one Kai wanted to be, and it was being stifled by the shell that held it, a body like a choking cage.

Damsy Callat​

 

[Damsy Callat]

She would hold him until he decided to pull away.

At the end of his flow of consciousness, which she admitted followed only part of, she began rubbing his back. She took a long moment to decide that she would address first what she had understood fully: that he hadn't been stuck. In a few ways, neither had she. She had always known she was Sithspawn, yes, but Syreni had not been an outspoken side of her until relatively recently. "I know. I know you weren't.

"But we all are now," she sustained gently. "Just in different cages." She decided not to attempt to talk about herself any more. This wasn't about her. It was about him. She could bear her own cross, while it was clear he was struggling to do the very same. "You're not alone, Kai, I promise you. Your life may not be how it was, but isn't this one worth livin' too?"

While waiting for his answer, she barely breathed.



**
Kai Bamarri

 

[Kai Bamarri]

<I don’t know.>

Was he not being fair to Damsy? To any of his friends or loved ones? There was just so much in him that was seething, consuming him until he couldn’t think of anything else but himself. He was wallowing in self-pity, he knew, but—

<Who are you, Mom? How do you know who you really are? What’s the difference between you and the other woman inside you?>

Damsy Callat​

 

[Damsy Callat]

Kai Bamarri​

Who am I? Damsy thought as she pulled gently back from their embrace. Hands still on Kai's shoulders, she looked straight into his eyes. Her brow furrowed but her voice was decisive. A conversation she had had with Darth Metus echoed in her mind.

"Imma tadpole lost in a sea o' stars, tryin' ta find a place to grow up," she replied, half honesty and half analogy.

"I spent the first twenty-some years of my life on Kamino, an ocean world. When I got outta those waters, I was a blank slate. I knew nothin'd that serve me in this the greater galaxy 'sides some Basic. Everything was eitha land or space for a while. Swimming, the only thing I was really good at, didn't come into play that often. All I could always count on was change, an' difference, an' what got me through was tolerance. Nothing ever phased me back then—not species, not gender, not religion, not creed, or Force Sensitivity...

"Until Syreni, this woman, came to be part o' me. Everythin' phases her," Damsy chuckled nervously, "but she hates the Jedi most of all. Them an' how they want us to cut off our nose to spite our face."

A sigh passed over her lips this time. "The difference... The difference is that she's mad 'bout it, an' I ain't." An abbreviated shake of the head. "Sure, I'm not trilled, but I'm also not mad at Knights like Dagon Kaze . It's just an impasse of ideals we have, them and us, and that' okay. Water unda the bridge. I chose to leave to Order while I still could walk ova that bridge, 'cuz Syreni wants to burn it an' pollute the water.

"Does that...make sense?"

 

[Kai Bamarri]

He did understand, in a way. But his own experience with the Jedi had been different from hers. It had begun the same, as Dag’s rescues in the prison block of the Temple, but while he had found some semblance of acceptance, Damsy had drifted, never quite fitting in. A proper study of why that was might be in order, but it was an analysis for another time.

<Did Syreni originate from you, or was she put in you from the outside?> Kai asked. <Like a split personality, the epitome of all your flaws and iniquities—or a possessing spirit in need of exorcism?> Then, more hesitantly, he added, <Could she take you over?>

Damsy Callat​