Blasters and Bones

[Kaili Talith]

The hot cup of tea warmed against her hands as she watched through the kitchen window while the man left her premises. A grin spread on her lips as she thought on what she had done. Whereas many others would have thought her actions would inspire feelings of shame, guilt and most of all remorse, Kaili would be quite content with just grinning as she watched the man limp out of her courtyard and head towards his shuttle. Today Kaili had cheated again and no one had but him had been around to witness it. She hadn’t been caught, and in the end, that was all that mattered. Her legs started to cave in, felt weak, and it was no doubt because of the man. Today had been yet another rigorous session where neither had been particularly gentle with one another but that was what made it even more rewarding, more exciting.

That was how things usually were with spars after all. The harder you went, the greater the lesson was. Even when your actions could be seen as cheating, but as far as Kaili was concerned there was no such thing as cheating. All there was, was who won and who lost. And today, for the first time, Kaili had won.

The girl put her cup on another counter and began to gently pad at the bruise that was starting to take shape at the base of her temple. She sucked in air and gritted her teeth to stave off the pain. Her second hand began patting against her waist, and then her stomach, and then her thighs. They all spiked in pain, much like they always did after these things. For the last few weeks this was what Kaili had taken to doing ever since her return to Kiara from Atrisia. Not too long after the events of Atrisia she had contacted Mara and in retrospect, after having listened to the message again, Kaili found that the tone of the message was far more desperate than she had ever wanted to see or hear herself speak.

Now that if anything was the best marker for the girl that the time in which she would sit idly by and let the galaxy get devoured by the inequity of evil men and their corrupt ambitions would be coming to an end. The next time she was thrown at death’s door she wouldn’t let anyone die on her, she wouldn’t have to feel the terror of men and women around her as death swept across the fields without care for who was what or where. For a while she had considered it, but vengeance wasn’t the way to go about this. If anything, it had proved itself an excellent learning experience and revelation. What had happened on Atrisia was not something to avenge but rather a reminder of a fact that Kaili had been long overdue in acknowledging in full; that sitting idly by and not getting involved was fine, but there were monsters out there.

She knew that now. There were monsters in the galaxy that were unlike anything Kaili had ever encountered before. Monsters that Aela had recognized long before she had and then also acted against. The Covenant, the Alliance, all of it. The more time Kaili spent dwelling on what had happened on Atrisia the more she had come to think that her father had been right. Not that there had ever been any doubt about that. There was no way for Kaili to have stopped, prevented, or even known what was going to happen. She knew that and had accepted it, but what she wouldn’t accept was the desperation and fear that she had clung to as the world came tumbling down around her. She needed to be better than that, ready for anything.

That was what the Peacekeepers of Kiara were good for. They were withdrawn from politics, and while they were the ones who had predicted her arrival it was the people who had raised her to a messianic figure. She liked that, because at least amongst them she could walk through a courtyard without recieving a stink eye or a pair of puppy eyes looking at her as if she would cure them of cancer by a mere touch.

This was why she had invited Mara to her home. Kaili needed to get herself grounded again, and from recent… Events… Recent publications… Kaili could only assume her friend was in the same seat. The message had been sent weeks ago with a detailed and fast route into the system and where to land. There was already a platform ready for her, cleared and cleaned to a pristine shine, the latter of which Kaili had vehemetly tried to prevent her followers from doing to no avail.

She needed someone to talk to right now, and Allyson was back with the Rogues. Mara was the first one that came to mind. That was, beyond the already existing urge to share words with her.

And so Kaili waited.

And touched her bruises. She always did.

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

The Scar of Ilum touched down outside. In due course, Mara came in. She knew she couldn't help giving off an almost manic energy; she knew Kaili would sense it, had probably sensed it since before Mara landed. The home was beautiful; it didn't make a dent.

"I need your help," she said, apropos of nothing. "I know you're hurting and you need mine too, but there's something you need to know and something I need to say, and I know this makes the moment about me when it should be about you or us, but it needs to happen."

She took a long breath and let it out slowly. Some semblance of clarity returned. There was a burn on her left palm, wrapped in a bandage; she found herself rubbing it with her right thumb, over and over.

"After the Ossus raid, I went to Ord Mantell. Karkin' Ribs, remember that little place? Right next to Dingo Darr's Chop Shop? Ord Mantell's right by the Mando borders, and it wasn't many years ago that they controlled it all -- point is, I ran into a couple of bucketheads walking tall, and they recognized me from my book. And one thing led to another, and we got in a fight, and I burned them. With my saber. I burned them bad, Kay, and when they weren't moving anymore I strung them up with rope. I'd never tied a noose before. I sat down and looked it up and learned to tie one, and then I hung them from the prow of their ship. And when I went to patch myself up, the Ankarres Sapphire burned me. It still doesn't like me.

"Kay, I know you're hurting. I know you've got needs. I want to help with those. I know I've got my duty to help stop the Mandalorians same as anyone; I couldn't live with myself if I did nothing. But I need you to talk me out of becoming-" She grimaced. "Out of being an extremist. I need to get stable."

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

The expressions that slowly crept across the young girl’s face gave away just exactly how she handled what was thrown at her. From the way her cheeks and brows rose in happiness at seeing her friend to the flattening surprise at what she was hearing to the hesitant twitch at the corners of her mouth. Mara was joking, she had to be. Kaili tried to laugh but nothing about the way that Mara looked seemed to give her cause to. She searched their bond for any sort of traces of humor, and desperately so only to find herself empty handed. The attempted smile on her lips faded into a hollow, blank, panicked stare. The talk from all those years ago about how they would be there for one another when a situation such as this arose echoed before Kaili’s eyes.

Kaili had promised. Mara had promised. They had both promised each other to keep an eye on each other to help out when the other felt themselves slipping, and here Mara was before her when in her mind Kaili had always thought herself to be the one who would be the first one to need it. The book should have been a warning that something was up, yet Kaili had done nothing to prevent that. No, there had been nothing she could have done to prevent that. The blonde woman’s lower lip started to tremble as the silence that fell between them started to get unbearable, ear deafening, terrifying. She needed to break it. The tremble grew as her jaw dropped and her mouth opened.

“Yes.” She whined under her breath without breaking her stare as it set on her friend’s hand. “I’ll- I’ll go get the first aid kit.”

The stare broke away from Mara’s battered shape and set on the floor for a second. Kaili re-entered the nearby kitchen. She quietly beckoned at her friend to follow as she swallowed air trying to find the words again, but there were no comfort to be found in the ornate wooden-metal walls of home.

The blonde knelt down by one of the kitchen counters before she looked over at Mara again and suddenly she couldn’t remember why she had come for it. Mara was already bandaged, it was already fixed. The hurt that Kaili felt wasn’t physical, and it might by all means not even have been her friend’s. Once again she took a deep breath and pushed herself off the ground. She discarded the medkit on the table and approached her friend unsure what to even do.”

“... Te-” She gave it a second shot. The shock had to go away first. With a deep breath she tried again. “Tell me what happened.”

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

Between their Force-bond, Zeltron empathy, and Lorrdian upbringing, there was no hiding Kaili's discomfiture. She seemed to be in something like denial, but the brunt of the emotional shock would hit in time. A sick sense of inevitability, like fear but uglier, settled into Mara's gut. She sat and let Kaili tend her injuries. She didn't meet her best friend's eyes.

"I'd just had ribenes. Stopped by Dingo Darr's to get a part for the Scar. Walked out carrying it, and it wasn't light or small, so I got noticed. A couple of the people who noticed me were bucketheads in full armor. They laughed, and I was already irritated about lugging that stupid ship part around, so I cussed at them. That's when they recognized me. Started getting in my face. Pushed the thing I was carrying and I dropped it and it dented, right at a pipe end where it'd take an extra half hour to install. So I cussed them out pretty good, got right in one's face, and he headbutted me."

Her face twitched with remembered pain, and with the stress of switching to the part of the story that was definitely her fault.

"I felt like I was riding a tsunami or getting blasted out of a pipe. I couldn't control myself; I didn't want to control myself. I saw a straight line between where I was right then and the ability to fix the problem. Get the bucketheads out of my face. Teach them, fix their arrogance, give them what they deserved. It wasn't a long fight. I didn't cut any hands off or whatever, just took what shots I could, and pretty soon they were down. They'd used indiscriminate fire, hurt a couple people: flamethrowers, blasters, shrapnel. So when I was done, I just kept on going. That's when I got the rope. I don't feel as bad as I should, just hollow."

 

[Kaili Talith]

There was not much in the way of a reaction. Kaili brought out the wipes and cleaned out some of the excess dirt and grime around wounds that were already rather clean as it was. The soft cotton surface swept across Mara’s skin looking to do anything to somewhat ease the pain, despite the fact that the disinfectant was more likely to burn than anything else. Once it was done Kaili disposed of the wipe by simply putting it on the table next to the medpack while letting her eyes remained fixed upon Mara’s stomach as if the answers were to be found there.

Neither of them seemed all that sure of what was going on in this moment. An emotional overload on Kaili’s end, a final weight that just pushed things a bit too far for her to really just cope and move on. No, she needed time to process this, to think on the story Mara was retelling and how she could help with that.

Kaili started with the part she could recognize for herself.

“I once killed a mandalorian too.” She carried no weight in her voice, no real emotion other than perhaps the necessity that she had to tell Mara about it. “It was an accident. I didn’t really mean to, but I did.”

“A leader of a fortress on Dxun who died when I tried to create an explosion, a distraction so that I could sneak away from having stolen medical supplies from them with none other than Vilaz Munin.” Kaili perked her brow and leant to the side. “Go figure the Mandalorian I don’t accidentally kill is the one who end up causing me the most pain, right?”

“And I do often wonder how much I could have changed if I had killed him instead, but… I don’t know.”

“Can I really say that killing Vilaz would have changed anything?”

“Can I really say that it would be the right thing to kill anyone?”

Kaili let out a deep breath and sigh.

“I don’t-” She sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe? But I am not sure how that would affect me personally.” She raised her arms in an impassioned shrug. “What I do know is that I don't want to be trapped in the same seat as I was in on Atrisia again, but I picked up a more stricter training schedule for that.” Kaili poked at the bruise on her cheek and tried to snicker at herself. It worked, sort of. “The, uh, people here are not the kind who shy away from landing actual hits.”

“Probably lucky they do not use sabers.”

It would be growing pretty obvious that the more Kaili talked the more she wanted to avoid the topic. Her mind and her heart did not know how to handle this. There were so many layers to the metaphorical Hurt-cake that she simply felt overwhelmed about all of it.

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

As it turned out, Mara could feel an extra layer of guilt. Kaili wasn't equipped to handle this; that much was obvious. She'd never...what word to use? Murdered? She'd killed by accident, not by intent like Mara had, and for a moment of vertigo Mara felt herself on the brink of sneering. What could Kaili's guilt be next to Mara's? She clamped down on that judgment and did her best to think her way past it. That was the Dark Side talking.

It's not about you, something whispered, and Mara sank down beside her oldest friend. She clung to that idea, made herself ponder how to help Kaili best, apart from shutting up about hanging Mandos.

"Wish I could tell you something useful, Kay, but I don't feel much like the moral compass of good advice right now. When did this turn into our life, or was it ever not our life? Deciding whether to kill people? Picking causes to die for? Doing all these things - sneaking around and using weapons and getting beat up in combat training and spending fortunes a bit at a time - these things that people just don't do in real life? Feth, but I'm jealous of the mirrorverse version of me. Maybe she's going to school, or dating a nice guy who's not a plant or a Trando. Maybe she's got a proper job and worried about money and not about the people she's killed or the scars she's picked up or the kids she's watched die. I tell you one thing, I'd kill to be her right now."

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

There were few things that really spoke of their friendship these days as much as an overarching sense of neurosis. Perhaps in that alternate dimension Kaili had never crashed the ship either. Maybe to some degree she was in control of her pent up anger and frustration or simply put able to express herself in a way that went beyond punching or hitting whatever immobile object was the closest to her. At the same time she also knew that these maybes had no practical application in the reality in which they lived. Idle daydreaming was one of few luxuries she didn’t know if she wanted to afford herself. Instead she focused on her next project or practicing her skills with the local force cult.

And to think that only a few years ago they had been discussing the act of plugging hull breaches with their butts. Times had changed for the worse.

The harder she tried to avoid the topic the harder it struggled back. It was still hard to even comprehend the fact that Mara had willingly murdered someone. Kaili had to know why. Deep down she knew that she wanted to know, but she still feared the answers. A heavy silence fell between them as Kaili pondered her response. Nothing made sense, none of this made sense. This was Mara, she wouldn’t do anything without good reason, that wasn’t the Mara that Kaili had grown up with and been tutored by.

There was no way she would have killed them without a reason. Especially not because they simply aggravated her.

“Maybe they deserved it.” Kaili tried to think of a justification, anything. “What if they were part of the raids? The attacks? You could have saved someone else by doing it.”

“Murderers, thieves-” A panicked exhale parted her lips. “Feth, I don’t know.”

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

“Maybe, yeah, but I think I’d be a coward if I let myself try to believe that. The worst they did was escalate along with me, throw the first punch, hurt some bystanders carelessly, and gloat about Ilum. Would they have killed me? Sure. But I didn’t have to kill them to take them down. How do I come back from this? How can I have a decent life after this, or ever enjoy myself again?”

“Y’know, Beyyr used to tell me that the point of Force training isn’t victory or defeat, it’s perfecting your character. I think I’ve lost my way. Being a Warden or a Jedi or whatever I am isn’t making me a better person any more than being rich is. I need a different kind of life. This one’s no good for me. I’ve wrecked it.

“I need ideas. And I’m so sorry to put this on you.”

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

Had Kaili been in any other state she could have recognized the exact feeling that Mara was describing. The feeling of helplessness and the lack of control. It was similar to the guilt she felt after the ship crash and it had threatened to destroy all that she had ever loved. At that time she had burrowed deep into her work with droids in order to escape it, and if Kaili had remembered that she would have known what to do.

But she didn’t, and she couldn’t.

With a deep shaky breath she looked out the window at the Kiaran wilderness. They were discussing beliefs and given the circumstances she could only think of one particular group of force users.

“The peacekeepers,” Kaili began before she struggled to find the words. “They’re a local group, but I am not sure they would be what you are looking for. Their field is almost exclusively farseeing and the well-being of the planet.”

“I- I guess this is a thing you have to find on your own.” Kaili shook her head. “I am sorry, I really am, but I don’t know what to tell you, Mara.”

“Other than that the galaxy is a big place. You will find a way back, and- and you will find the fit that is right for you. That is all I can really say.”

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

"You're right. The peacekeepers worked for you, but this is your home, right? I couldn't tie myself down to protect someone else's home forever. Then again, I guess I don't really have a home, do I."

She barked a laugh.

"Feth, that was probably the most pathetic bit of self-pity I've ever heard, let alone said. I'm not doing anyone any good right now. I'm going to go, Kay. Gonna go find something new to be, I guess. I'll be in touch, get my head on straight. You take care of yourself."

***​

​

All things considered, Mara wasn't that great at keeping in touch. Oh, she tossed Kaili the occasional message - just finished siphoning the Hall of Sight's essence into a farseer; try this recipe for spiced ribenes; my stocks went up so you got a raise - but she kept her distance. Part of that had to do with guilt and part of it had to do with knowing that right then she was no good for either herself or her oldest friend.

Eventually, though, the Scar of Ilum touched down on Kiara again, and Mara came out to visit Kaili's home.

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

It wasn’t exactly as if Kaili herself was any better at keeping in contact. Whereas Mara had spicy recipes to offer, well, Kaili only had blueprints. Most of it was conceptual and most of them were projects she had ended up discarding. The leftovers were mainly sent to Mara for the simple fact that Kaili had a hard time letting go of them. Maybe in another life, the reverse blaster would have worked as she had intended and indeed vacuumed a blaster shot through the barrel of a rifle to charge a plasma cannister, but it would seem that particular idea was just not a possibility.

Regardless, the second time Mara would arrive at Kaili’s little corner of the galaxy there was a distinct difference in the way the world seemed to feel around them. The contacts Kaili had employed within the Underground had all proven a reliable aid in bringing the Kiaran people back onto the star maps again. They weren’t quite at the stage where Kaili would be comfortable with unleashing them on the galaxy yet, but she could easily see it happening sooner rather than later. The worst of the diseases from the outside had already come to pass, as had the local ones on Kaili. It had been a few painful months of disease and suffering before things had settled again, but with the aid of professionals imported off-world it had all worked out.

Needless to say things were looking up for them.

As Mara’s ship touched ground, and as the Merrill would start coming out of her ship she would find herself greeted by a Kaili dressed in what seemed to be an almost unusually cleaned up look. Which wasn’t to mention the cape on her shoulders and that unlike the last time they had met there was actually a smile on the blonde’s lips. Either she was finally happy enough with her lot in life, or maybe Mara had just managed to catch her on a good day.

Knowing Kaili it was most likely the latter.

“Welcome back!” The Talith called out rather excited to see her friend again.

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

"Hey there. Good to see you're doing well."

To Mara, there was something perverse about taking antidepressant medication to handle the fact that you'd killed someone. Her counselor and her chief of staff, however, kept reminding her that she was dealing with years of mental, physical, and emotional trauma from Ilum and Lameredd. There was no shame in taking something modest to give herself breathing room. She'd gone with a short-term six-part strategy: the meds, the counseling, the Force, aggressive philanthropy, no anti-Mando activism, and no combat whatsoever. And that strategy was working.

Didn't make her constantly or excessively happy, but at least it kept her head above water.

She grinned and gestured at Kaili, encompassing the whole look. "So they've got you in the regalia, eh? You level up in the Peacekeepers or something? Ruling the planet maybe?"

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

A few errant blinks passed the girl by as she tried to recall whether Mara was ever made aware of Kaili’s actual status in the eyes of the people living below the cliffs that they had both of their ships parked upon. The silver-chrome shape of the Odessa remained stationary right by the Merrill’s side as people, Kaili’s employees, loaded and unloaded goods by the dozens. It brought a small snicker out of her.

“Yeah, you could say that.” The girl shook her head. “And no, no they certainly have their own government down there.”

“Up here I am god. Kind of.” Kaili put it simply and raised her arm to draw a circle around the mountaintop above her home. “You are currently standing on Mount Talith,” Kaili then pointed straight at the mountain’s actual top. “And at its top is Point Locke.”

“They name landmarks after people of great importance so that they can remember them and use nature as their own little history book.” Or hall of fame more like. “Tried to tell them no but they wouldn’t have it.”

“Tradition demanded it, apparently.”

 

[Mara D'Lessio Merrill]

[member="Kaili Talith"]

"Feth, really? I mean, I'm not immune to criticism on the whole offworld ruler thing - you've been to my freaking castle - but it's bad enough being protector of a chunk of land without godhood thrown in."

She could have gone on about the risks of apotheosis and hubris and so forth, but this was Kaili. Probably history's humblest, least domineering Master of the Force. Why worry?

"Then again, it's not like abuse of power has ever interested you, so screw it, give'em what they want. Heck of a view, by the way. I almost crashed looking at the mountains. Might have taken a couple inches off a peak not far from here."

 

[Kaili Talith]

[member="Mara D'Lessio Merrill"]

Feth, really. Kaili gave a slow nod at her friend’s remark and began leading her towards the grand courtyard to the mansion that she called her home. It took them down a wide path made out of the finest bricks with a sidewalk that boasted of details made out of polished marble that clung to both sides of the road. It was small enough for a group of people to walk down yet big enough for trucks and other transports to reach the newly arrived ships. Trees offered shade from the sides which helped obscure the fields of the grass that seemed to be cut to perfection in a perfectly striped pattern. Up ahead, in the very center, stood a grandiose two level fountain which could be seen as the centerpiece that tied all paths around the courtyard together.

This hadn’t been here the last time Mara had come to visit. The Kiaran people were nothing if not diligent. They had to be if they wanted to survive.

“Well, maybe we’ll just rename it the Merrill Mesa then.” Kaili snickered.

“This was one of the reasons I called you that day, you know. This and Atrisia, but, I think you had reason to take precedence.” The girl shrugged it off. It still felt surreal to think back on how that had gone and the knot it had left in Kaili’s stomach to see Mara’s ship take off. She was glad that was over. Hopefully. “Besides, I got some help from Allyson and my family as well, you know?”

“No, I’ve done my best to make them see that I am just like them. I haven’t been very successful, but I’ve tried. At this point I am really just… I don’t know, filling a role?” Kaili stopped by the fountain. “I give them hope, despite the fact that it was the people from the Underground that has done most of the hard work.”

“I do offer advice on some of their bigger problems, and they put perhaps a little too much faith in said advice, but I try to make them think for themselves with what I say.” The outlying settlements and the farmers that housed them were the ones who relied on Kaili perhaps a bit too much for her comfort. Offering gifts, sending their young ones to work at her estate despite her attempts at stopping them.

“I just have to keep wearing this cape until they start listening, it seems.”