Private Blissful Ignorance

[Amani Serys]

Coruscant
Alicio Organa​

---

Energy at the Organa apartment was uncommonly still this evening. The holo was off, the jungle outside was just a distant hum behind the windows, and the kids were playing quietly. Only the occasional rummage of kitchen accoutrements disrupted an otherwise placid hour.

Liana was playing on her mother's lap, half-distracted by a toy while she grabbed at Amani's face, "Mommy," She mumbled, pinching her mother's nose, "Food!"

"Not me," Amani chuckled nasally, "Soon." But there was a noticeable withdrawal in her tone. And there had been all night, the few times she spoke. In fact, it was her apparent aloofness that was perhaps the most noticeable silence all night. It didn't come across like a mere stretch of introversion. There was distance in her eyes. Distraction. Something she was leaving unsaid.

The kids were none the wiser. Sooner or later, Alicio would have to pick up on it. "Daddy?!" Liana asked shrilly. She was ready for dinner, and the evening's quiet was threatened by her impatience.

 

[Alicio Organa]

August was drawing underneath the table.

With one hand steadying a notepad, and the other wrapped clumsily around a red crayon, the marble-skinned boy scribbled long lines of nothing along the page. Assuredly, in August's mind, he was writing a grand dissertation on the nature of the universe, but all Alicio could see was zig-zaggy waves of red. Every few minutes, the half-Mirialan would crawl out from under the table, slap his notepad on the kitchen floor, and blurt out an excited "Da...!"

Each time, Alicio looked up from his work on the countertop to inspect the drawing, and give the boy an encouraging "Oh yeah?," or "Good job." This was apparently enough for the little boy, who would waggle his body back and forth with a giggle, and retreat back under the table, to inscribe another line of text.

The Count was putting together an easy meal for his family tonight. Pasta, with grated cheese and spices from Alderaan for him and Amani, and thoroughly mashed pasta for the twins. His mind was obviously elsewhere, too. His recent talk with Valery Noble still sat heavy in his mind. Like a yoke around his shoulders. Frankly, the only reason he hadn't told Amani about it yet was because he was still processing it himself. What Val had said. What he'd said.

"Daddy?!" Liana asked shrilly.

Alicio's musing was burst as he heard Liana ask for him across the apartment. Despite everything, an unbidden, happy smile overtook him, as he strode out from the kitchen, four plates in hand. "Dinner's ready," he said, and already, August was darting out from under the table, following after him like an excited puppy. He put the childrens' food on the coffee table, and waited for Lia to escape Amani's lap before replacing her with a plate of pasta, and sitting down on the couch next to her.

And finally, he picked up that something was bothering her. The distance in her eyes.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Lia slid down the couch with all the grace of her age, and dug into her food almost as soon as it was presented to her, "What do you say?" Amani said, finding a small smile herself.

"…Tank!" Was the best thanks she could give, the mouthful of mashed potatoes not making it any easier.

"Don't choke yourself," Her mother chuckled dryly. Lia grinned broadly, a mess of mashed potatoes covered what few teeth she had. Amani didn't know whether to find it funny or gross. Her reaction fell somewhere in between.

"Hey. What's wrong?"

There it was. Amani tried to find focus in her meal, but Alicio could tell anyways. She looked at him with a weary, almost disgruntled smile. Despite her attempts to hide her brooding, he could always figure out there was more underneath. Just like she could with him. It was a strength of their relationship, but for better and worse it made it hard to keep a secret. She looked to the kids, debating what she should say. Amani wasn't going to lie to him; The reason she had been quiet was because she was gearing up to say something regardless. She pursed her lips, "…We need to talk. About… Chaldea." A bit vague perhaps. Amani was reticent to be direct, but it seemed there was more than she was letting on.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"Tank!" August parroted his sister, using his hands to dig into the soft food. Alicio winced inwardly- he would clean up their mess later. This was why they ate at the table, and not on the couch with their parents.

Liana smiled up at them, and Alicio couldn't keep the pang of emotion from his heart. Their little girl was growing up so fast.

"…We need to talk. About… Chaldea."

Immediately, Alicio's face fell, his grip accidentally tightening on his plate, his breath catching a little in his throat. What did she want to talk about? Chaldea was... his greatest mistake. His greatest failure. He was still haunted by the sight of all the destruction around them, the death, the fire, Kai...

Alicio took a moment. Let himself breathe. "Okay."

"Let's talk about Chaldea." He placed his plate of food to the side, and turned his body to face his wife, his body language... worried, but open.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani set her plate down and did the same. The kids continued to it, none the wiser to their conversation. She could immediately see how much bringing it up hurt Alicio. It wasn't just what happened with the dragon. If anything, that almost seemed like a footnote in the midst of all the chaos. When he stole the beast's flame, replacing it with a dark chill. Perhaps that's why Amani had been willing to overlook it for so long. Emotions ran so high, and it had happened so quickly, she almost wanted to justify Alicio's actions and leave them unsaid for good. But that chill, lingered still within him.

Amani physically forced herself to focus. To stop beating around the bush, "When that dragon tried to attack us," She didn't specify, he would undoubtedly remember the moment. All the moments leading up to Kai's death, "You… sapped the fire. Doused it out with cold. How did you… do that?" She spoke with some deeper understanding. A knowledge, or at least a theory of what ability it sourced from. But she wanted to know how he learned it. If he had learned it at all.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Turned to face Amani, Alicio couldn't hide the knowing shame that turned down the corner of his mouth, that caused his stare to flick down a moment, before forcing himself to look her in the eye again. He remembered that day, crystalized in his mind by trauma. Of course, he knew what she was talking about. If two of the most important people in his life were bringing the cold up... that had to mean something, right?

"I... stole the heat from the air." Alicio absent-mindedly rubbed the palm of his cybernetic hand with the thumb of his other. "Wrenched the energy from it."

That hadn't been the worst application of his powers that day. Not the worst one she'd seen.

"I learned it on Zaathru. When... When Kai and I were stranded." He had no choice but to feel the whiplash of going from one terrible moment of his life, to the next. His grip on his synthskin hand tightened. "I was desperate. A village was being attacked by a Sithspawn. I took it's life force, as easy as I could give mine with healing, left it frozen and cold."

His gaze dropped again, as his frown severed. "It's... dark. I know."

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Of course Zaathru would be the source of their trouble. It had brought nothing but. Amani sighed, her gaze casting downward briefly, before returning to match her husband's. The struggle rang familiar to her. The desire to help so overwhelming, no matter the personal cost. It was admirable, but left unchecked, could bring disaster.

"That's why we need to talk about it," Amani slowly processed what he told her, and asked with caution, "You know it's dark… Did you know it was dark then?"

Mid-conversation, the oblivious Lia waddled over to her father and offered him a greasy handful of mashed potatoes, a cherubic grin filling her cheeks.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio continued to massage his hand, acutely aware that the sensations he was feeling were nothing more than synthetic nerves, wired into his arm from his replacement limb. Part of it was likely psychology, too; tricking himself into the sensation. His brain saw him touching his own palm... so it made him feel it.

Amani had lost her arm, once. She probably knew the sensation, too.

Her question was met with shaded eyes, and a pinched, downturned frown. He was about to answer, but then he noticed Liana, wobbling towards him with a handful of mush. He managed a small smile- it was harder than he'd thought it would be, despite the adorable sight- bracing himself for a disgusting sensation. "Hey, lovely. Is that for me?" With the tiniest of dignified winces, Alicio palmed the mashed potatoes. "Thank you. I'm going to... eat this in the kitchen."

Alicio slid up to his full height, and slunk out of the room, making sure Lia wasn't looking as he let the baby handful of potatoes tumble into their trash bin. "Mmm..." he said, making sure it was loud enough for Liana to hear. "Yummy."

Gesturing for Amani to join him on the other side of the room, Alicio turned on the sink, letting the food wash away from his hands, as he spoke in low tones to her. "I wasn't thinking much, when I first used it. But... I figured it out pretty quickly. Felt just... a numbing cold. In my heart. And... every time I used it after." Alicio let the feeling of warm water pass over his hands, imagining the chill. The frostbite he suffered, whenever he used the Cold. "It kept me alive on Zaathru. And I've only ever used it on living things in times of dire circumstance since, but... I've known. Every time."

He turned off the water, willing his hands to still.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

The child took her father's reaction at face value, thoroughly convinced he had in fact eaten the offered potatoes. She giggled bubbly, and returned to eaten the rest alongside August. Amani watched the interruption with a forced half-smile similar to Alicio's, and followed him across the room at his prompting.

"It kept me alive on Zaathru. And I've only ever used it on living things in times of dire circumstance since, but... I've known. Every time."

Amani's breathing silently hitched for a moment, then exhaled tensely. She looked down at his hands, taking one of them between hers, "...It has to stop. Now," She nodded, rubbing his palm with her thumb, "I know what you're thinking. I know why. But you know I've been down this path before. And I'm telling you, it has to stop," Her breathy whispers wavered with emotion, and painfully recollected experience. She raised his hand and kissed it, "I can't watch that happen to you."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Watching, sensing, Amani's reaction to his words hurt him. He never wanted to be the cause of pain for his wife, yet... here he was, and here she was. Aching on his behalf. Hurting from a past he could barely fathom. A path she saw him beginning to test. And now, she was trying to pull him back.

His hand was cold, as Amani held it.

"I know what you're thinking. I know why. But you know I've been down this path before. And I'm telling you, it has to stop. I can't watch that happen to you."

Alicio kept her gaze for as long as he could, but finally, he had to stare at the floor between them. Then, he closed his eyes, letting his breath steady before responding. "I... can't promise that. And you know why." They were perhaps the hardest words he'd ever had to say. But he had to say them. He wouldn't lie to her.

"If someone dies under my watch, and I'm not using everything I have to save them... I deal the killing blow." His words had an echo-y hollowness to them, as if he were speaking from experience, and trying to detach himself from it.

"What... convinced you to stop?" Alicio couldn't decide whether he wanted to pull away in shame, or pull Amani closer for comfort. So he froze. "...How did you turn away from it?"

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

"I... can't promise that. And you know why."

Amani felt her breath stop. Tears welled in her eyes. She shook her head as he explained himself. And at his final question, she sputtered an incredulous, almost insulted laugh, "'How'?"

"By sheer damn luck, Alicio." Amani let go of his hand and clutched at his shirt, "After months of ruining myself. I found what I was looking for by luck, and I was luckier still that it snapped me out of it at all."

"Someone died because of what I chose to do. That— Is dealing the killing blow. And you and me, we have bigger responsibilities than just ourselves now," She looked back at the two children eating, "Using everything you have doesn't mean losing everything you are in the process."

"Please. Tell me it will stop."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"By sheer damn luck, Alicio."

That was not the answer Alicio had wanted to hear.

He had always done what his heart told him to. If he saw an enemy, an injustice, an evil, he fought it. He drew his courage from it, as he faced down greedy corporatists and Sith warriors alike. He'd followed it into Amani's arms. Alicio had made mistakes in his life, yes, but his conviction, his need to help, had never led him astray before.

That same voice was telling him to press on. To save everyone he could, consequences be damned. He would risk his own life, but save hundreds, maybe thousands more. It was the least he could do, to make up for his past mistakes, that insistent part of his mind said.

But he trusted Amani more than he trusted himself. He had given his life to her, completely and utterly. So, if she said he was wrong...

As Amani gripped his shirt in her hands, Alicio covered his eyes with a palm, suppressing a sob, or perhaps a frustrated, helpless whimper. "If I stop, what am I supposed to do instead? If I hadn't used it on Chaldea, I'd be dead. Hell, I did use it, and I couldn't even save Kai..." Alicio's throat closed, and the Count had to work to open it again. With each continued word, his voice broke a little more. "I created that refugee city. I didn't keep a watchful eye on it. I allowed the people to suffer under the Potentium, I didn't get there in time, I failed negotiations, I brought Kai to the planet foretelling his death, I failed to protect those I swore to save..."

"It was all my fault. I destroyed Chaldea. I killed Kai." Alicio had never talked about Chaldea with anyone before. He was the kind to push aside his feelings, disregard them in favor of looking ahead. So he never noticed it, still didn't notice it, as he leaned away from Amani, hand covering his guilt-stricken face.

Alicio was traumatized.

"So... so many people died. How am I ever supposed to make that right?"

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

"You do your best," Amani answered plainly, "I know it feels right. Easy power always does. It feels convenient. It feels good, doesn't it?" She shuddered with understanding, as if just speaking on it would cause her to relapse into temptation, "But it's addictive. And it time, it will corrupt you. Just like everyone else who thought then could control it. Just like me. And by the time you figure it out, the damage will already be done."

Amani touched a hand to Alicio's cheek, "You didn't," She assured, but he had a hard time seeing it, "You didn't." She moved closer to offer an embrace, and sighed, "Alicio, when you keep setting up impossible standards, you'll only see failure. What you demand from yourself? The most perfect man in the world couldn't achieve." She found a soft smile, "And while you're... pretty damn close, in my opinion, nobody can be that."

"Kai's death isn't on you. But… I think it goes to show that, even using that power, it still couldn't give you what you needed. It's a lie, Alicio. That's all the Darkness is. Broken promises, luring your deeper and deeper down until... until you can't see the Light anymore."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Ever since they had first met, Alicio had marveled at how similar he and Amani truly were.

That was one of the many reasons why they worked so well together. They thought the same way. Had the same struggles. Felt the same pain. And because of that... Amani had a clear view into his heart.

He couldn't will the words to say it, so he just nodded as Amani echoed the thoughts in his head. Of course the Dark felt good, even as it split the skin on his hands, made him feel so awfully cold. Because in spite of the pain, he felt like he was doing something. Contributing beyond what he normally could. And that made him want to do it more. Need to do it more, to save more lives.

"You didn't."

The first time she said it, he was too lost in his own head to process the words. The loss he felt, the pain of seeing thousands die before him, the incessant need to believe that he could have done something to prevent the horror-

"You didn't."

The second time she said it, she broke through. Alicio focused on Amani, the grief still apparent on his face. She stepped forward, but Alicio was the first to wrap his arms around her, clutching her tight to his chest. He sniffled. Then he sniffled again. Then he sniffed out a chuckle, as Amani called him nearly perfect. "I certainly don't feel it," he managed, burying his face into Amani's neck. Steadying himself with her body's rhythm, the Count finally found it in him to respond.

"I... I felt so... useless, on Chaldea. And now another war is coming... I don't need to be perfect. But I just wish I were more."

August wobbled unsteadily to the kitchen area, dragging his sister along on an apparent mission. Seeing his parents, the little lord cocked his head to the side, frowning. "Mommy, Daddy, hug?" He took a few more steps forward, and wrapped his little arms around their knees. "Mommy, Daddy, hug," he said, more confidently.

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

"You already do so much more than you give yourself credit for." Amani embraced Alicio, keeping him steady. She let her smile linger, dropping some tension, "But you can be more. I'll help you, if you want me to. Just… not like that. Please."

The little lord and lady soon made their inevitable appearance, catching their parents in the middle of their embrace. Amani glanced down at August, now wrapped around their legs. Mom chuckled, and picked him up, "Yes, please." Liana was just behind him, making a whining noise and raising grabby hands up towards her dad, demanding to be picked up as well. It would not do for her to be left out of the group hug.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

"...Okay."

Alicio kept still, regulating himself against his wife. That was the only response she got, at least verbally, but the meaning underneath that one word was fathomless. He pressed his lips underneath Amani's jawline, a silent thank you, a sealed promise.

He would stop.

As the children entered the area, Alicio looked over, smiling sheepishly, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. August was quick to approach the pair, and was rewarded by Amani's arms. Liana looked expectantly to him, and he was quick to oblige her. "Alright, lovely. Come over here."

Not caring about the potato being smushed across his shirt as Lia put her hands on him, Alicio supported his daughter with one arm. His other, he kept around Amani and August. His family.

He couldn't afford to lose them. Not to himself.

"I love you," he murmured to them, taking in the sight. "More than anything."

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani heard the sincerity in his response, as simple as it was. Alicio's struggle to save everyone was something he struggled with for a long time, and likely would all his life. It's just who he was. It's who Amani was, too. But if they could both acknowledge and accept that there were some lines that just couldn't be crossed, then perhaps they could live with a little more peace of mind. They couldn't do everything, nor should they try to. But they could try to always do their absolute best. And that wasn't something the dark side could ever give them.

The arrival of the kids almost felt like a physical representation of that. They were a shining light, one that their mother could feel just by being near them. She looked at Alicio, and saw something similar in him. August and Liana were shining beacons in a galaxy that wasn't always so bright, "I love you too," Amani said softly. The two kids muttered the same, in their own poorly-pronounced way. "How about we finish dinner, hm?" Mom said after appreciating the moment.

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Alicio hadn't felt this warm in a while.

He would have been happy spending the rest of their evening like that, hugging in the kitchen, the four of them together. For Amani, for the twins, he would do anything. The idea of causing pain to them, of abandoning them for the Dark, was enough for him to abandon the need to use it. No amount of immediate strength was worth that.

"How about we finish dinner, hm?"

Alicio found an ironic little smirk, sweetened by the afterglow of a memory he would cherish forever. "I did spend a long time working on it. Would be a shame for it all to go to waste."

"Mmm!" Lia grabbed his shirt a little tighter, to resist being put down. Alicio could only laugh, his voice a little fragile, but strengthening. "It's alright, baby. I'll walk you over." Finally extricating himself from the House Organa hugpile, Dad carried Liana back over to the coffee table. Still, she clung tight. Alicio shook his head, unwilling to make a big effort in unattaching from her. "Aren't you hungry Liana? You're wearing more food than you ate."

Giving up, Alicio sat back down on the couch, absently playing with Liana's already thick black hair as she cuddled him. He addressed Amani, his tone becoming more neutral. Forcibly so.

"Can we... train? Soon?"

- Amani Serys -

 

[Amani Serys]

"Especially given how much of it already has," Amani said, giving the messy-faced Liana a look. The little girl just grinned and giggled mischievously at her dad. August on the other hand, still had some room in his stomach it seemed. He made a move for Lia's plate, taking some more mashed potatoes for himself, "Don't eat too much either. Just till you're full."

Amani sat back down beside Alicio and Liana, picking up her own plate which had barely been touched. She got in another bite before Alicio asked another question. She swallowed, and nodded firmly, "…Soon. Yes. And I have a few ideas of where we can go with it."

Alicio Organa​

 

[Alicio Organa]

Trying to eat his food around Liana was proving to be troublesome.

Taking the plate in his hands, held a ways away from his body, Alicio tried to maneuver his fork up to his face, with limited success. It didn't help that once the little half-Mirialan discovered what her father was trying to do, she decided to be helpful by trying to stick her hand-potatoes into his mouth. The Count's cheeks became smeared by mush as he avoided the little Lady's 'gift'. She squealed, making a game of trying to force-feed her father.

Meanwhile, August took his mother's words to heart, deciding instead to hit the meal with his fists. Something he'd seen his father do with the masher in the kitchen.

It seemed Amani had a few ideas of where to take his training. Alicio nodded solemnly, using the motion to also dodge Lia's grab towards his lips. "Care to- Liana, please- let me in on the secret?"

- Amani Serys -