Cairyn Midore: A Critique

[Cairyn Midore]

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Good morrow/eve/whatever fellow writers of Chaos. I have no idea why I wrote an intro like that but let's get right to the good stuff, shall we?

Now, while I'm aware that posts on Cairyn aren't exactly numerous due to his month-ish old status and my overall inability to talk to people to arrange more threads, but his is a character that I've had for at least two years, even making an appearance on a different forum before, well, life happened. His character is one that, at the time, I never thought I could pull off and yet he has fast become a character I probably enjoy writing the most.

That being said, I'd very much like opinions on him. Am I taking his childish exterior too far? Does the gymnast's feats of acrobatics seem a bit silly? Should I just stop while I'm ahead? Truly, any feedback, whether it be on the character or simply me as a writer would be most appreciated.

The Character Sheet

SampleThreads
A New Order (Dominion Sith)
Shadows of the Empire: The Dominion of Helska IV and Paxin Sul - Starting page three
You call that a Sith? (TSA raid of Dominion Vjun)

 

[Desmond C'artyom]

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0SyUgw98tE[/media]​

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You're doing great.​

[member="Cairyn Midore"]​

 

[RC 212]

[member="Cairyn Midore"]

Character Sheet

• Give me a description of each strength and weakness please. The more detailed they are the more real the character becomes.
• Link some gear please. I'd like to be able to read about what ya got on ya when we are encountering each other.
• Looks pretty good!

Writing

Cairyn,

You have a nice style I like it. I like the fact that when I read your work it is spaced well and your speech is hightlighted. It's nice not to read a wall of text.

Some things I noticed,

Your character is very new, and seems to be coming along. However it seems as if you are struggling to find some development. I would recommend thinking about what direction you want to take this character and begin fleshing him out more in your head. What motivates him? What does he like? What does he dislike?

Your strengths and weaknesses should be reflected in your RP, rather than listed off in your bio.


Other things I noticed was you don't do much internal dialogue. Instead of all physical action and dialogue give us some insight into his head. What is he thinking as he's moving through a scene and interacting with people and such?

Your body language tells a lot. You got this base covered.

I'd like to see more description. Show me, don't tell me. Engage at least two to three senses in every post to paint a picture of the scene.

Sight, Taste, Smell, Hearing, Feeling (Touch)

I'd like to see more character development outside the niche of action based missions. What does your character do with a whole day to himself? What does he drink at a bar? What do you do before bed each night? Who are your friends, do you hang with them? Where?

Also I am guilty of this too, drop anything ending in ly. I consider it lazy writing. Give a description of how fast the character is going, rather than just saying "Quickly."

All in all pretty good. You got room to grow dude.

My Challenge to you

• 2x Senses in every post.
• No ly endings.
• Incorporate a weakness of yours into a setting during a thread
• Join some random Open RP's -or- Author a few open threads outside of your chars regular comfort zone
• Get him in a fight in with someone. I wanna see his combat style

All in all pretty good. Keep having fun, develop that character!

Cheers!