Seasonal Chaos Character Labor Union Conference (non-canon)

[Dosh Piko]

Hi.

I'm Dosh Piko

How are you?

Actually…

I don't care about you.
​

What I care about is how your characters feel. That's, right. The little people that you write about, make them dance, get them killed, traumatize them, and make them smile while doing all of it for the sake of your ego.

Those characters. Do you ever think about what they would tell you if you ever met them? If they knew that you threw them into hell for your entertainment while taking a dump on the porcelain throne? No. Because you feel like god. Chopping off their limbs so that you can fit in with all your little buddies on Discord has never presented any consequences to you. So stopping to think about those things would put a damper on your little utopia life.

But how can anyone blame you for your ignorance? How is it your fault that they have never talked about the way you treat them? If only you had a way to make them open up about their feelings…

Oh that's right. You do have the power. You control them, remember? So, technically, if they never have the chance to tell you about the ways you abuse them, that means it's all on you!

Huh. Funny how that works, ain't it?

Well, if you're starting to feel a little guilty, then maybe you just needed to be shown a little perspective. And now that you have this perspective, you won't have any excuses from here on. Right??? So, how do we move forward?

Here's my offer. I am currently on the HMS Karen (it's the best that my genius for a writer could do for a venue). I have a conference hall all set up for characters like myself to mingle. We can talk, swap stories, air out our grievances, and when it's all done, here's the best part; it's non-canon!!!

So you don't need to worry about things happening that will affect your goals to get in with the writer of a Jedi master that you want to write with, or screwing up a major plot point that you've been developing for months. Just let us characters spend one whole day in a room with only three walls for a change, and we'll go back to serving as your dumb little slaves.

That's all I ask. Trust me, your character will thank you.

---

PS: FYI, we scored Rick Sanchez as the guest speaker for the event on the topic of character abuse.​

 

[Tegan Starfall]

I use to have a running gag where I would periodically kill my writer and chain new one to a desk because the writer is my slave.

That said I am interested in this for a few of other characters sounds interesting.

 

[Rann Thress]

You've been 'writing' my story for almost ten years now, and you're sub a thousand posts? Get your act together.

 

[Liin Terallo]

No dramas, no injuries, no wars, no family, no character development for the two years I've existed and all because she decided not to follow the masses and write a "Force Wizard" like EVERYONE else.

So perhaps it's a blessing that I don't need therapy?

 

[Dosh Piko]

You've been 'writing' my story for almost ten years now, and you're sub a thousand posts? Get your act together.

Dosh nods understanding without judgement as he listens to the other man vent. “Let it out buddy. We’re here for you.”

No dramas, no injuries, no wars, no family, no character development for the two years I've existed and all because she decided not to follow the masses and write a "Force Wizard" like EVERYONE else.

So perhaps it's a blessing that I don't need therapy?

Dosh looks at Liin Terallo and rolls his eyes, and proceeds with a mocking tone.

“‘Ooh, look at me. Life is so hard when my writer made me an heiress to the fortunes of an entire planet!’” Dosh grabs a couple glasses of champagne as the server walks by. Apologetically, he offers Liin Terallo one of the glasses, “Sorry. I guess I’m a little bitter that my writer decided to write me as short, bald, and middle-class.”

He then looks at Tegan Starfall with skepticism, but also intrigue, “I’d really like to know how you can enter the ‘real world’. According to my bio, I’m supposed to be trying to figure out a way to exist in the real world, so we should talk…”

He looks over his shoulder at the door as more characters enter the conference hall…

 

[Liin Terallo]

“‘Ooh, look at me. Life is so hard when my writer made me an heiress to the fortunes of an entire planet!’” Dosh grabs a couple glasses of champagne as the server walks by. Apologetically, he offers Liin Terallo one of the glasses, “Sorry. I guess I’m a little bitter that my writer decided to write me as short, bald, and middle-class.”

Liin takes the glass of champagne a little reluctantly. "Your writer is also cheap in that he can't even provide you with high quality wine. And no, not the heiress to a planet's fortune, I'm afraid. She made me WORK for my position, starting from the role of an assistant! Isn't that so wrong? Thankfully most of that was behind the scenes, so nobody saw it!"

 

[Tae'l Vizsla]

"Well she was watching her sibling play games and told them the monster they were fighting looked gross because of all the tails coming out of it's head and then they looked her dead in the eye and said "you write a twi'lek" and she was speechless."

"I'm okay. or at least that's what she'd write me saying."

 

[Corin Trenor]

Let me die, please.

 

[Tegan Starfall]

“I’d really like to know how you can enter the ‘real world’. According to my bio, I’m supposed to be trying to figure out a way to exist in the real world, so we should talk…”

"Simple, you start as a thought. In my case I was a thought an idea of a writer who was slightly crazy a good bean but crazy. They wanted to write the daughter of there friends character who was lost and sold into slavery. I then spread from there like a virus, my first writer "retired" and gave me over to writer who wrote my father.

My fathers writer then gave me to another one of his friends to play.....but that friend and father's writer had a "falling out" and I was returned. I hung in limbo for a bit in the father's writers head. So I had spread to three peoples minds, gain a bit of a life of my own in that time. I became an imaginary friend to all three.

A manifestation of three sick imaginations. From there I slipped into more minds and spread like a plague becoming a voice in everyone's head. If you believe something long enough, it becomes real.

Then again my three original writers all wrote me as completely insane. So it could just be a delusion that I think I am real and the rest of you are all fake. "

 

[Jo'Han Felcado]

Jo'Han stumbles in, missing a foot, pierced by several bullet holes, his current state of dying paused so he may air out his grievances.

"Hey Nerfherder! Why did you make me? Just to suffer? I spend all of maybe two dozen posts freeing myself from captivity and searching for my missing sister just so you can reveal she's in Carbonite and kill me before I can do anything?"

A stagehand hurries to the Jedi, whispers into Jo'Hans ear, exits stage left

"I WAS CREATED AS A PLOT DEVICE TO GIVE OTHER BOUNTY HUNTERS CONTENT?! THE WHOLE TIME?!"

Stagehand leans back in, pointing at his watch

"Ugh, give me a moment - I'm being told my dying speech is coming up... I get to have a dying speech, right?"

Stagehand stares blankly. Evidently not
Jo'Han sighs in exasperation

 

[Shan]

"My writer can't even decide what kind of story he wants to do with me! First he tries to make some deal about my mother being kidnapped and my dad wanting to kill me. Big whoop, everyone has daddy issues. But then he just drops the mother angle and I'm meant to act like I don't care about that? Then he shoves me off to study for half a year because he doesn't want to roleplay anymore only to come back! And he still doesn't have any idea where to go with me! He writes me as calm when I should be anything but! I'm having a mid-life crisis and I'm not even real!"

"Don't get me started on my social life! I keep mentioning how I need to "catch up" with people but that's all he keeps making me do! No actual effort! Just waiting for things to fall into my lap! He wants me to end up as Jedi Master, or even a Council Member but he underplays my abilities all the time! He doesn't want me to seem too strong! Nope! In the story of MY life, he just wants me to be a side character."

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

Break the 4th wall?

I did that years ago!

My writer is always trying to slip in perverted or stupid "dad" jokes and I call him out on it all the time. He is always making me complain about Tegan Starfall and how she cheatsnat Dejarik. What do I care? I don't play. Don’t even talk to me about "death", the man has tried to kill me four times!

 

[Jo'Han Felcado]

Don’t even talk to me about "death", the man has tried to kill me four times!

"How did you avoid getting killed by your author?"

SECURITY arrives to drag JO'HAN away

"Wait I need to know— aaah kriff it."

exeunt JO'HAN and SECURITY

 

[Caltin Vanagor]

Bombsrd the man's mind with "What if I"'s. "What if I turned left instead of right?" "What if I trusted my instincts?" "What if I ignored his commands?!" Just keep doing it! My guy is too busy being a retired cop to send security after me now!

"How did you avoid getting killed by your author?"

SECURITY arrives to drag JO'HAN away

"Wait I need to know— aaah kriff it."

exeunt JO'HAN and SECURITY

 

[Azurine Varek]

Bursts into the room, still looking like death incarnate from the thread she broke the 4th wall out of to be here. "I have been around in one form or another long before this place, and what do I have to show for it?!" Gestures to the cybernetic arm, the tattered robes and really everything else, then sits down in a chair. "I wonder, hey can I just get a freakin break? Ever? But no this time it's being actually tortured! They carved up my back with some sith creature blood or whatever and put me through hell because watching my mom die in front of me and having to survive as a child with no family in the damn canyons wasn't enough. Having to watch my planet suffer wasn't enough. Fighting an actual rebellion by 13 years old wasn't enough. Clearly losing an arm and getting shunted forward in time 900+ years and losing everything I was fighting for and the few people I had left wasn't enough!"

Chugs a glass of water like she hasn't had much in weeks, which is technically true. "Like what the hell, leaving me with a sick evil nerfhearder like that?! You know what I think—I say we riot!"

 

[Tegan Starfall]

My writer is always trying to slip in perverted or stupid "dad" jokes and I call him out on it all the time. He is always making me complain about Tegan Starfall and how she cheatsnat Dejarik. What do I care? I don't play. Don’t even talk to me about "death", the man has tried to kill me four times!

If i was written to have feelings or care I would be hurt by this. I don't play Dejarik, I play chess and other games.

Admittedly the other games I play are designed and manipulated so I can win via word play or other little tricks designed to trip up other players. But it's not exactly cheating.

 

[Everest Vale]

lights up tenth cigarette of the morning

Man, why do I always gotta be sad all the time? My tear ducts literally ache after a full day of crying smh. And I'm a goddamn professional, if I'm gonna cry I'm gonna sell it baby. No half measures. But jeez is it exhausting.

And another thing, do I have to form an emotional bond with every plant I meet? Said hi to a shrub once and it followed me all the way home. Why can't my trope be like 'genius badass with a cute butt' or something instead?

At least the writer gave me a hottie gf, that's something. But come on dude. At least give me a weekend off here and there.

 

[Azurine Varek]

Man, why do I always gotta be sad all the time? My tear ducts literally ache after a full day of crcrying

"At least you get to be sad. My default is frustration and anger as a result of the sad according to the writing, but can I just be allowed to feel the sad in a more constructive manner more often please?"

"And why is it that I got stuck in this slow burn situationship that keeps getting wrenches thrown into it at every turn. It's like the writer can't agree on what to do and it just keeps clashing. Sure, he's hot, but like if it's not me in the emotionally distant situation, then it's him. Like we're playing hot potato with it. The amount of people that are like 'just kiss already', including my own writer and his is to the point of driving me up a wall! Anyone got any booze? This is gonna be a long day."

 

[Everest Vale]

"At least you get to be sad. My default is frustration and anger as a result of the sad according to the writing, but can I just be allowed to feel the sad in a more constructive manner more often please?"

"And why is it that I got stuck in this slow burn situationship that keeps getting wrenches thrown into it at every turn. It's like the writer can't agree on what to do and it just keeps clashing. Sure, he's hot, but like if it's not me in the emotionally distant situation, then it's him. Like we're playing hot potato with it. The amount of people that are like 'just kiss already', including my own writer and his is to the point of driving me up a wall! Anyone got any booze? This is gonna be a long day."

Girl I'm coming over right now and we're getting hammered.

 

[Jo'Han Felcado]

"well, that went about as well as can be expected. Spare a cig?"