Critique My Post

[Sal Katarn]

http://starwarsrp.net/topic/97188-our-place-among-the-stars-galactic-alliance-tier-3-dominion-of-the-copperline-hex/?p=1417930

I made this post. I'm slowly working on developing this character. Not all good guys are good people. He's mostly robot. What makes him human.

Feedback request:
Please feel free to critique both character and writing. I'm looking for feedback on several specifics.
1. What impression does the post give of the character? Does the reader feel a proper insight into possible motives, or lack thereof. Does the reader feel an emotional connection with the character on any level?
2. If you were trying to convey the impression you received, how would you do it differently? How can I improve?
3. What part stuck out most to you in the post and why?

No compliments please, unless accompanied by criticism. Not looking for a pat on the back, but substantive feedback.

 

[Flannigan Mcnash]

[member="Raph Thule"], its fine I mean we get into the head of the character pretty easy, the only complaints I'd have are get to the point, why should I care what your character thinks? I'm not being rude but asking a question that makes great from okay posts, to have any context I'd have to look into your character, scroll through threads and read through his sheet, most people aren't going to do that. I should be able to know why your character is acting this way, I should be able to get to know him every post should be a jumping on point.

And you've got diarrhoea of the mouth, any good writer has that but they should know when to sh-it or get off the pot. My main point is get to the point, you can be flowery with your wording but in this day an age most people skim, if nothing grabs them than they ain't gonna read it.

My point is, its okay even good, personally not my kind of post but I know others who enjoy the jaded character's head-space perspective.

How I'd Fix It: Maybe break the inner monologue with some physical action, dialogue, or you could emphasis a particular part, or sounds onomatopoeia is your friend, break up the monologue.

 

[Sal Katarn]

Great feedback, thank you!

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Raph Thule"] I actually disagree with Flannigan: I think internal monologue helps create a character, more often than not. It's very easy to write a post that focuses on actions and words, but the motivations behind those aren't always clear. If you're watching a movie or playing a computer game, that's fine: you'll only ever observe the individual's actions. Readers (and writers) tend to expect more: they want to know why you act the way that you do, and this can easily be revealed by internal dialogue. If your thought processes are written clearly, it's easy to see what's going on - particularly when the characters around yours are surprised by your actions and even moreso when their perception of a situation is that much different to that of your character.

It's part of the fun!

Now, as for my feedback, the first thing I'll go with is the First Person text: it's odd. It's occasionally used in good books, but most writers go for third-person, for two reasons: a) it allows dialogue and information in the text that the main character may not be aware of and b) it flows easier when writing about others in addition to that first individual character. I've seen that format around here a few times, but it's tricky to write with on occasion, and almost never flows as well as it should. Just something to keep an eye on!

Beyond that, please change the font. It's a real eyesore

Other than that, it was excellent. Reads like the last diary entry of a guy who's seen things and wish he hadn't. In that respect, I enjoyed it!

 

[Jamie Pyne]

First Person text: it's odd.

please change the font. It's a real eyesore

BOTH of these things. Nothing kills my desire to read a post more than first person. In my opinion it's just the worst format. Period. Your writing could be perfection, but if it's written in first person, I'm done before I even start. I don't expect anyone to forcefully change the format they write in, but when asked, I will always state that opinion.

 

[Sal Katarn]

Thanks for the feedback!

I write multiple other characters in 3rd person. I've really only ever written Dak Canton in 1st person, but mostly for humorous purposes. This is taking a whack at a serious individual in 1st person. So I won't be changing the perspective.

I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea, but some of the best recent work in SF is in 1st person. If you haven't read Red Rising I'd strongly recommend it.

 

[Jamie Pyne]

[member="Raph Thule"]

I couldn't say yours, or anyone elses writing is bad because it's in first person. It's hard for me to describe, but reading first person perspective to me, is like hearing music that I just really dislike. It could be great, but I can't get into it. It's just something that rubs me wrong I guess. But knowing you also write Dak I can assuredly say as a writer you're good

 

[Sal Katarn]

Critique my post round 2. Tried to make some of the suggested changes. Mainly put perspective in present tense and tried to maintain active voice.

http://starwarsrp.net/topic/76983-weekend-treasure-hunt-infinity-at-last-we-will-have-revenge-open-to-all/?p=1426615