Critique of Your ... Character!

[Valiens Nantaris]

Since the writer thread delivered the best critiques of this forum, I would like to invite people to critique their own characters.

IC or OOC critiques are fine.

Off topic posts or comments in this thread will be removed!

 

[Rusty]

Rusty-

• Somewhat one dimensional. I've had more RP with him than any of my other characters on Chaos, but it's been fairly consistent. Get in fight, make guns, get in fight, make guns. Most of my social stuff involves him being something of a loner, antisocial and not at all comfortable in crowds. It's hard to get much character growth going with that.

Eralam-

• The fuzziest of my characters at this point. I've never been able to nail down his characterization, since I've not been able to get anything consistent in terms of RP partners. Even now, he's mutable. Most of the RP I had in the past simply isn't applicable to Chaos. One of these days, I'll have the chance to nail down exactly who and what Eralam is.

 

[Jorus Merrill]

Jorus is in constant pinball tension between acquiring responsibility and shoving it away. Resistance fighter, salvager, naval officer, explorer, instructor, businessman, Jedi Master of First Knowledge - he's lived a lot of lives, left a lot of causes to fend for themselves, and sacrificed a lot of family time. If I'd been more true to the character's priorities and ideals at a few points, he'd have leveled out well before middle age. Instead he's still trying to juggle multiple careers like an overachieving twentysomething who still doesn't know what to do with his life. I can spin that, play with it, explore it, but I can't quite get it under control.

 

[Darth Carnifex]

Needs more doom, less gloom.

 

[Jsc]

Karen - Been there, done everything character. I struggle with direction here. Which is fine seeing as so does she IC. So, I sort of settled with her just trying to live a normal life at this point. That said, she's a completely developed character with a rock solid personality, numerous quirks, permanent weaknesses, and a large supporting cast. I've written her drunk, tripping balls, taking a bath, teasing Vornskr at Hogwarts, and even reading a magazine while pooping.

Teryn - Half Zoolander joke, half sincere attempt to write an everyman in a Force Users world. He is mundane to the point of boring, optimistic to the point of annoying, and I've written his dog into every thread he's been in on Chaos. He is so complete as a character that I find his stories write themselves. Though, I hate that he never does anything epic. Ever. And I'm his writer. Ugh.

Sam R - A rebirth of the Jaina Solo type meant for the GA. But when Coren disappeared I dumped her. A completely predictable archetype bordering on unoriginal at this point.

Jay M - Pretty much just Tenchi Muyo harem anime with lightsabers. So teenage as to be chaffing. Ugh.

Sam K - The ever eternal Jedi-Knight video game alias. I aim for: 'silent protagonist' and: 'adventures for loot' at this point. Honestly the most boring character I've ever written. And I kinda like Master Chief too. Meh.

Jerry Mars - Another twist on the Jedi Knight sexy-bomb trope. Alas, she became such a sexual creature in her day that was actually offended while writing her. I can't delete her now because I'm afraid the button will give me a xeno-STI. Bleh. ...Zeltrons.

Emma Prinn - One of my better attempts to remember and mimic Ala Quin. The always innocent, yet traumatized, golden heart. Burdened with righteous, if naive, desires for a better world. Unlimited cosmic powers may vary by interpretation. Still, I never feel I do the memory justice. Which... Is fine. Wasn't my character to begin with anyway.

Anna Katt - I honestly have no idea. Cool avatar though. I must have been high that day. Weird.

Megan R - My best attempt to write perk and bubbly. Ugh. Got so annoying to write that I killed her miserably by having her torn apart by turbolasers. It felt so wrong. Ahhh. If felt sooo right.

Lady Jealousy - A character keep reserved for ERP, red rooms, whips, chains, and fuzzy handcuffs. ...This account scares me so much that I haven't logged in to it for years. Again, will never delete or overwrite because I'm too terrified to try.

Alek A - Minor Faction alt that died with the faction. Boring.

Vanya L - Minor Faction alt that died with the faction. Actually liked this character.

Cx-8 - Minor Faction alt that died with the faction. I don't think I even finished the bio here.

Malcolm F - Like writing Teryn's grandfather. Proved too time consuming to continue with. He was just too weird to be a constant.

Anna Song - My best attempt at writing an alien yet. I think it's because of her admiration for humanity that keeps me going. And her easy playby.

Sprint K - Minor Faction alt that died with the faction. 100% rip off of TFA's Finn.

Adam Driver - A reincarnation of my first RP character. The story is turning out exactly the same too. ...Funny that. Lulz.

 

[Ghorua the Shark]

Ooh, I like this idea! I've always wanted to vent about my character's motivations and inspirations without looking like a total tool.


Ghorua the Fish (eventually the Shark) was my first character on this site, and I wanted him to be a good one. I had never really RP'd before I joined up here, so I decided to create someone that was morally grey, and was proud of that fact. Oh, and I also wanted him to crack skulls like nobody's business. But my big boy Ghorua has evolved from those humble beginnings.

Personal Fear- Ghorua is motivated by his fear of death. He makes money solely to distance himself from the fact that he will eventually die. He knows that if he isn't at the top of the food chain of the galaxy, the "shark", he'll die. Heck, he genetically modified himself to feel more secure about his livelihood. This sets him apart from a lot of muscle-bound bad guys I've seen, as most enter battle without a single thought of the consequences. Ghorua is often too cautious. I find myself easy to relate to this side of him, as I have a terrible fear of failure in my life, and those two phobia's aren't as far apart as I originally thought.

Thrill-Seeker- Despite this fear of dying, he always seems to gravitate towards dangerous situations. This is due to his philosophy that the biggest fish survives, and he might as well go big or go die. Maybe it's a flawed strategy, but if he always did choose the safest situation, how boring would that be for me to write? "Ghorua sees the big explosion, and cowers in the corner."

Companionship- Safety in numbers, right? Despite all of the messed up junk the Shark has in his head, he loves like-minded people more than anything else. This makes him rather amiable, while most "brute" characters are very harsh and rude. He's charismatic, and loves a good drink with a friend.

Deceptive Mind- My fourth and final pillar of Ghorua the Shark is his tactical mindset. During one of my first posts, I joked that "Ghorua always won his family's Dejarik tournaments". I had Ghorua set on to be this big simpleton with a big blaster, but with that post, my mindset changed. Ghorua is a tactician, and specializes in deception. He's hard to read, and always has a shark-like smile on his face, feigning overconfidence. Ghorua is always scared, but he never shows it. I also relate to this. Being a high school student with plenty of hormones, keeping secrets and hiding your feelings about that girl you fancy are a necessity. Is that normal? I don't know!


Well, this is the basic outline of Ghorua. Scared, but not afraid to get down and dirty. Loves company, but never lets anyone in too far. Basically a big pile of contradictions and blubber...

 

[Coci Heavenshield]

Although a have a few characters I only really RP three. The reason is that I don't have the time I once had to devote to the list and some of them were made out of boredom and never would have been played. I have learned to stop doing that now, and no new characters will come forth (famous last words?). Well not unless I have very high motivation for RPing them.

So I will speak on those characters I do RP, firstly.

Aerin Firebrand - This character I loved from the start of her. The fun was in her development, from someone that had no knowledge of the outside galaxy or the force. She was strong to begin with, on her world and had a good back story to start. But now I am finding it hard to write her, I seemed to have written her into a corner I can't see my way out of just yet. Although I have her in a thread at the moment, it is most likely going to be her last for a long while until I find her direction once more.

Abaigeal E'ron - This character my muse dips and rises on. I have written her from birth to present day, and her story has been complicated and full of diversity thanks to a few other writers on the boards that have given me their time to develop her. She had gone through a lot considering her story so far and now it is time to rid her of the angst and have her fun and light for a little while.

Théo Heavenshield - Love this character to bits. I am not sure if I am doing a great job writing a male character but am doing my best. It is a challenge for me as I am a female writer but I enjoy the challenge. He is approaching manhood, and I have moved him away from the fun kid to a more serious 'mood' around him. It is time for Théo to progress more with life in the galaxy and give him more depth.

Coci Heavenshield - And so her story continues. She is an old character of mine which I played on other boards, and so has evolved from a NFU (in a past life) to a new element of Jedi. Her story is very different to the previous one and I must say I prefer this. I am not sure how to improve her or even if she needs it, that might be comments for another thread here. I am bias with her so .. *throws hands in the air*

 

[Ellie Mors]

I'll start with Bianca, because right now I have no self-critique for a character that hasn't gone anywhere for half the year.

Bianca started as a joke character centered around a little joke about how I'm the "factory bot", so back when my writer/Factory Judge account was an OOC account and wasn't used for any characters I renamed my account to B.I.A.N.C.A MK VII and then it kind of evolved into an actual droid character made by Onadax Droid Technologies (a canon droid group started by Guri). Since then I've gone from trying to be as robotic as possible, which I realized would be totally the opposite of a human replica droid, to being as deceptively human as possible. I have to make a conscious effort to change ways I'd react in order to still get that underlying "She's really not one of us" vibe that an incognito HRD would give off.

Right now she's by far the easiest character to write, mostly because I haven't gotten very far with her yet, and she has a very two-dimensional goal - to be the successful HRD prototype for a new model of droids that will eventually blend in seamlessly with humans in every psychological way. I think the issues with the character are that I'm not very familiar with writing droid characters, so sometimes I have noticed actions that possibly would be otherwise out of character for a droid, and I think I sell her abilities short with combat, though that could just be my hesitance to do anything physical that could get someone upset over a droid reacting quicker than the average human.

She's very "me", in a similar sense that my other character, Lisette, is very "me", but in a different way. Where Lisette is rather stoic, sometimes formal to the point where she borders monotony, Bianca is extremely - eh - moody? This is part of her cover, something she has been conditioned for in order to simulate an actual human being, but sometimes it comes off as over the top (and honestly, sometimes I do it on purpose). Depending on what thread with her in it you read, she could seem like an entirely different person - and that is intentional, she's an assassin droid - and to the average person it might come off as inconsistent writing, but it's actually way more difficult to write so many different 'acts' for her than just to write a single personality.

 

[James Justice]

Well, first off, I liked the other one and I am enjoying this one so far too, I guess I will put forward my own things here too.

JAMES JUSTICE
This character is tragically archtype. Like, in my opinion, he could not be any more un-original unless I totally was making him a karate kid. He is a classic Han Solo type if you asked me. A criminal with a golden heart, or if you want he is totally like Wilson Fisk. He wants to make the galaxy better through war, through crime. He is complicated in that he is an unrepentant thief, pirate, mercenary, smuggler, murderer, and a butcher. But he is convinced he is making the galaxy a better place--he uses the money to hire the poor, build orphanages, take care of building Dal'Bor and making it great. However, he hates it. He hates hurting people, he hates that he puts his closest friends into danger. I find it all cliche. He is wishy-washy. One moment he is shattering skulls on the wall, the next he is weeping, trying to be a good man. Then he is smuggling drugs. I think that the remorse is what makes him so human. The fact that he cannot live with himself if he does, or if he does not, I think sets him in a unique dichotomy.
Fun fact: I never EVER meant for him to be rich. In fact, I wanted James to be a pauper. But he made so many deals to smuggle that eventually that was just who he was. He didn't even own his second ship until [member="Stardust"] destroyed his klunker in his like tenth thread.

AKIO DIACHI
Wow, wanna talk about complicated? A Chiss. Raised by Umbarian monks. To be a ninja-based assassin who worships the art of death, all art but death specifically. The he falls in love. Flatlines from bloodloss. The resulting brain damage makes him.... hear voices. See things. Then he hits his head. Loses almost all of his memory. A doctor helps patch him up and hears the foggy memories of the academy he grew up in. Tells Akio that he is a force mystic. Akio believes it, becomes a Force Mystic. He now travels the galaxy as Mr Zen, traveling serving the Force. He does not see good or bad, light or dark, just the Force.
I wanted to make him different from everyone else. Truly Zen, truly unique. Like what the original 70's Jedi were like. But I feel that he is too preachy sometimes. And he gets too esoteric in his thoughts. I feel that sometimes the attempts at poetic thought run into... gabbldygook. Also... he IS kinda all over the place.

MYSTIQUE
The Crimson Dancer. The Scarlet Bombshell. Her story is pretty strait forward, and I think that she follows the concept I was going for; liberated slave. She was the daughter of two erotic dancers. How did she become so? Genetic splicing. Mystique was captured by Hutts at an early age and forced to become their dancer slave... and other things. She was totally mentally and emotionally shattered, to the point of a radical speech imedement.
I think that she is actually my best character that I have, sadly the muse for her is on the embers. She is non-violent, she wants to just love the world and be loved. She is currently in a relationship with [member="Scarlet Ghost"] most likely to be married. She is gentle, kind, sweet, and loving, despite all that she has been through. She is terrified of.... everything. But she is good. And she wouldn't hurt a soul.
LUMI SNOW
This is my newest character, and frankly, I think the most unique. While Mystique tells the story of a girl who was forced into a fate worse than death, Lumi tells the story of a girl who... became herself. She grew up in severe poverty. She still loves without question, she is kind and gracious and all things good--as well as severely anorexic and a male to female transvestite. I wanted to make someone who was unlike anything else. Lumi, I think hits that nail on the head. She loves. That is all she does. When confronted she doesn't cower or run, she tells the person that they are loved and it is ok. She is totally blind too, which makes for fun writing and she "sees" through low level telepathics, being half Mirlaku with an altered genome there. Once someone tried to kill her, and her girlfriend @Zenva Vrota rescued her, saving Lumi's life and killing the attacker. Lumi comforted the dying attacker in their last moments, that is what kind of person she is. I am interested to see where she goes from here, and who she becomes.

 

[Zenva Vrotoa]

[member="James Justice"], you spelled my name wrong you silly lobster. *Insert Futurama meme*

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

I've got several chars, but I'll focus on the ones I'm actively writing.


Siobhan Kerrigan: Long had a love/hate relationship with her. She seemed one-dimensional, codependent and a static brute with few skills. Admitteldy this was partially a self-inflicted problem since I kept her in that niche rather than trying to expand her, as seen during her time in OP. However, over time I've grown to love the character a lot. She's grown up, evolved into being a capable, confident leader, wife and, much to my surprise, doting mother. I'd say that she's still recognisably human despite her over the top abilities. She's vain, extremely proud, egotistical, cruel and has recognisable combat weaknesses. As for how she could be improved, not sure. I'm probably a bit biased. I suppose some tension in her life could be good since things have gone rather well for her. Something that deflates her ego and knocks her down a peg.


Kaida Taldir: Started out as a foil to Siobhan. Hated the character for a long time because she was bland and a bit whiny. Rebooted her after leaving OP and she evolved into a dour drill sergeant type. I've had my ups and downs with her, though it's been less of a rollercoaster than with Sio, which probably suits the char since she's a lot more straight-laced. The irony is that she started out as a counterculture Eldorai who rebelled against conformity, but now on the surface is a model Angelii officer, though one who doesn't share the Eldorai's racism or religious zealotry. I like writing Forcers outside of the Jedi-Sith dichotomy and it's been worthwhile exploring the perspective and methods of a Force soldier who operates in a very military setting. I consider her a better tactical officer than Siobhan (though a weaker fighter), but I'm ambivalent about her as a character. Most of her interactions are in a rather formal setting and so there's not much room for character expression there, especially since she's a rather formal, socially awkward, cold person. Hence why she often comes across as an ice block and as less complex than the more 'dashing' Siobhan. She does what she does well, but isn't that exciting.


Elpsis Kallikora: Another character I've had issues with and still have. She's Coryth Elaris' daughter (long story - it's complicated!) and so obviously her troubled relationship with her mother has been a significant part of her story. Maybe one of the reasons for my issues is that I'm inexperienced with writing teenage chars. Her mummy issues, however justified, have annoyed me since she seems whiny to me. My muse dips and falls when it comes to her. One of my issues with her has been that she seems like a more simplistic version of younger, more immature Siobhan, but whereas Siobhan had plenty of drive, Elpsis was lacking in it and just liked to blow up stuff etc. However, I'd say this has slowly improved since she's finally gotten something like a cause after getting some sense knocked into her. And she's finally tried to connect with her mother again rather than just sulking like a crybaby. Still not that fond of her.


Sumiko Tanaka: My former Atrisian Inquisitor turned nonaffiliated Dark Jedi for hire. She's fun, cynical, sociopathic and has a skill set that focues more on illusions and mentalism than battering ramming. This is uncharted territory for me, since my other Forcers are more conventional soldier types, but it's been fun to explore so far. The character is also independent of the Firemane/Eldorai gang, which is a big plus and allows me to lampshade some of their eccentricites. Also allows me to be more evil than with Siobhan since Sumiko is free of any scruples. However, while I still write the character I have trouble finding direction for her since I'm uncertain what her actual end game or motivation is since she got Master rank. I suppose one defining motivation is her desire for freedom and never be under anyone's control again since previously she was under the thumb of a rather repressive government that treated her as a tool.


Enyo: Siobhan's darker shadow. Many of my chars seem to be connected to Siobhan in some way, but in Enyo's case this is the strongest because she's her clone. Enyo was created by Archangel to serve as their weapon. Her story's been about a descent into darkness and evil without even knowing it, while believing she's doing the right thing. She's got a strong bond with Phaedra, Coryth's clone, and sees her as a sister, which humanises her a bit. The other defining aspect of her personality is her murderous obsession with Siobhan, whom she believes to be a cruel tyrant who created her as a host to one day house her essence. Though Enyo is being deceived by Archangel, this has actually allowed me to deconstruct Siobhan's 'martial glory' a bit, such as by revisiting Gehenna and seeing the aftermath of Sio's anti-Bando Gora crusade. In a way, Enyo is right about her counterpart being a despot with good publicity. However, Enyo's personality is still rather underdeveloped. I suppose this is to be expected since she grew up in a very sterile environment and even now is being controlled and monitored all the time, but it still irks me.

 

[Darth Prazutis]

Right now for Darth Prazutis he has gone through a string of good times and events. I need and plan on throwing more tests of adversity, and more struggles of all kinds into him.

 

[Tanith Alde]

I like what I've got going with Sean so far.

A Mostly blank slate, plenty of flaws.


But the flaws are temporary. I want to really improve this character by experience with others, learning and training etc. I want to make him a symbol people can aspire to 'The Average Joe keeping his head held high in the galaxy of Darth-Kill-Stab-Maim-your-faces '

 

[Darth Ophidia]

Oh boy, do I have criticisms for my girls.

[member="Kaia Vullen"]: This was my very first character on Chaos. I created her to be as goodie and two-shoed as a goodie-two-shoes goes. Happy-go-lucky, positive, and with an uncanny ability to always summon a smile and a bout of energy from nothing. I created her as part of a trio; one left the site, one is on extended LOA. While I love this character, I find her hard to place within the setting of Chaos. She is simply a little too kind and too gullible to be a Jedi Knight. Kaia needs a lot of work and her rosy view of the galaxy needs to be challenged with the realities of Chaos.

[member="Joycelyn Zambrano"]: By far one of my favourites, the Vahla-Epicanthix brute is simple, but interesting. There are prospects in her to create great conflicts between her Zambrano and Sith side, and her dedication to the Ember of Vahl. However, looking past the melee-fighter and Vahl-worshipper, there is not much to the character. Joycelyn needs to step into other arenas and become more than the simple, pious fighter with an unhealthy wish to protect her twin-sister.

And last, for the one people might actually give a shit about:

Darth Ophidia. The Aspect of Death; The Queen of Shadows; The Sphere of Mysteries; Darth Voldemort Mc.IceQueen the Hairless.

First of all, what's with the snakes? Yes, I know it can get a little over board, and it's only going to get worse. Hell, it's not even that original. Yet, I like it. I enjoy the overt symbolism of evil and deceit. It also ties in with the play-by of Ventress, who's worn clothes with a serpentine theme throughout The Clone Wars and even in Dark Disciple. But wait a minute, Ventress wasn't Rattataki like Ophidia. Ventress was a Dathomirian! Yes, the background of Asajj Ventress was changed to include Dathomir. However, she was the basis for the Rattataki Species and I much prefer the pre-Clone Wars background. Thereby, I feel my play-by is justified.

One way I shat on my leg with Ophidia is when I used her to seduce and marry into the Royal family of Mindabaal. While the story was great, I've struggled with keeping the anonymity-factor alive in the wake of it. Ophidia is not a character one should know. Her obscurity is her first line of defence, and on Chaos this is exceedingly difficult. I have tried my best to keep IC connections on a low, but there are some who know her face.

When it comes to powers, I think I've done a good job not overreaching. Ophidia has a certain spectrum, but it's all geared towards the one thing she does: Assassination. This can make other threads difficult, but I like the challenge. However, is there more to The Queen of Shadows than sithiness and backstabbing? She has not been romantically involved with anyone, because I hold quite firmly that she's asexual and without any sense of romance. I've written her as using her (limited) charms, but only as a means to an end. And I stress her disgust with the other person. Perhaps it is a lacking dimension, but I do feel romance would compromise her character rather than challenge her. There are also many other elements of Ophidia I have neglected to write out here on Chaos due to the PG:13 rules and lacking chances. Such as her more grotesque fascinations and souvenir-taking, or how she's often without clothes when in private. I have also skimped on her self-education as it has hardly seemed interesting for others to read.

Well, this became rather extensive and more of a reflection than a real criticism. As a final comment on Ophidia, I love her. She is my main because she gives me grins and goosebumps. I hope you like her as well, and that I may entertain you more until I decide to finally off The Pale Assassin in a final arc.