Decisions

[Placeholder 0128]

For the first time since his teenage years, Cedric found himself stricken by an anxiety that did not stem from matters of galactic importance. For once, he was undergoing a form of emotional turmoil that had nothing to do with the changing tides of the galaxy. Part of him felt guilty for entertaining such feelings; the Jedi Knights of old had often warned against the dangers that came with the birth of attachment.

And yet he entertained the thought all the same.

The ball had been better than he'd expected, but worse than he had hoped. The chancellor and his constituents had been gracious hosts, and he hoped that Doctor Terrani might have walked away with a better opinion of the democratic power than she'd had when arriving.

He expelled a bit of air from his nose as he read over the ancient texts for the sixth time in the last ten minutes. They were the words of a Jedi Knight that had found himself estranged from the order, much as Cedric had, and managed to thrive in a galaxy that would have otherwise seen his views as heretical. The man was called Jolee Bindo, and the writings were penned by a scholar from the days of the Old Republic.

A single line stuck out to Cedric.

"Love doesn't lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled… but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love… that's what they should teach you to beware. But love itself will save you… not condemn you."

Another sigh, "Perhaps Master Bindo, perhaps," Cedric mumbled to himself as he rubbed his knuckles into his temples. Love was a very strong word, and Cedric was wise enough to know that Aes'ona Terrani had not stolen his heart, but he also understood that she certainly had the capability to do so. Truthfully the Jedi Master had needed guidance in this unexplored field of life, and the conflict within him had only grown the more he reflected on his situation.

He'd invited the doctor to meet with him at his government provided apartment on Carida before she returned to the First Order. He was keenly aware that she would be leaving in a day or so, and even more aware of the very likely possibility that he would never see the doctor again once she'd left. Most importantly, he was aware that the fact of her leaving hurt, for lack of a better word.It was an emotional pain that felt similar to the hollowness he experienced when thinking of Ession, and for some reason it felt just as tragic.

He simply needed to speak with her before she left. He knew he would regret it for the rest of his life if he did not. With that in mind, he'd elected to wait for her should she choose to accept his invitation, his Jedi robes and armor left unworn in favor of a simple hooded jackets and sweats. He did not wish to meet Aes'ona as a Jedi, but rather simply as himself.

Another bout of anxiety fell over him as he dipped back into his meditation, eagerly awaiting the moment that the front door might open.

[member="Dr. Aes'ona Terrani"]

 

[Prennis Keeoli]

/ [member="Cedric Grayson"] \​

†††​

She'd like to be able to say that she was relieved, excited even, to be back in First Order space, but she couldn't--at least not entirely. Something, possibly somethings, kept her from being able to. And no matter how long she had stayed up staring at the ceiling from her bed, she couldn't place what they were.

Still, she had had time to formulate a theory:

She was reluctant to leave open the psychological scars that she witnessed first-hand the other night. Leaving now seemed premature, like she was neglecting a patient's ailment, but what could she practically do? She couldn't stitch them up in every one of the rebels' minds. And she didn't have enough time to spend and wait for them to close by themselves, but maybe that was an impossibility with or without time. Cedric had insinuated that it wasn't. The doctor wasn't so sure. And even if they could heal, the Order, simply by its hostile character, would surely reopen them in time.

In doing so, she hadn't gotten much sleep. Part of Aes'ona, in the morning now, wanted to simply splash her face, throw on some jeans, and wear her pajama top--her old, grey "lucky tee-shirt" that she had hung onto since med school. After all, she could; she hadn't hired a pilot to take her back to Atrisia, discreetly, until tomorrow.

But she forced herself to get dressed properly, recycling her outfit from Ruusan. It was probably a bad idea; wearing black, leather or no, seemed to be a crime, or at least that was what she had experienced in a certain bar on Muracie what seemed to be a lifetime ago.

However, she didn't care. People could stop her in the street on her short walk to Cedric's apartment complex. Keeping one's sharp appearance, especially in times of emotional compromise, was expected in the First Order military. In such, Aes'ona felt the need to follow the norm even when she was outside of its territory.

Still, she carefully hid the shield pendant of her choker underneath her thin necktie.

When she came to the door that she thought was Cedric's, she glanced down at the number she had written down on the side of her hand in blue ink to make sure. Her note confirmed that she was indeed in the right place, so she stepped toward the door and knocked three times. "Ced--?" she began to ask quietly through the threshold. She cleared her throat before trying again, "Cedric?" And even though he might recognize her voice, she clarified, "It's Aes'ona."

By the Supreme Leader, why was she so nervous?

 

[Placeholder 0128]

He felt her presence long before she ever knocked on the door.

With every step she took his anxiety grew, and he found his hands shaking with something that might have been excitement as he heard her voice flutter through the hallway. Drawing in a deep breath, Cedric willed away his feelings, allowing himself to adopt the sort of calm he usually carried when dealing with matters of importance. Composed, Cedric wandered over to the door, halted in front of it for a moment, and exhaled a quiet breath.

"Aes'ona," he opened the door with a smile. His gaze met hers, and the anxiety returned in full force. It made Cedric's heart race and his thoughts scatter to the farthest corners of his mind. Seemingly dumbfounded, the Jedi Master awkwardly stepped back and waved for the doctor to come inside.

"I wanted to see you before you returned to the First Order," he said honestly, and that honesty cast aside some of the trepidation that had mired his thoughts. "I figured I might not get the chance to again after you've gone. Not for a long time anyway."

A pause, "...I wanted to get your opinions on the New Republic."

[member="Dr. Aes'ona Terrani"]

 

[Prennis Keeoli]

/ [member="Cedric Grayson"] \​

†††​

And in she came, bowing her head slightly to look at the floor as she lightly wrung her hands. "And what would you like--?" She stopped mid-question and turned around to look at the Jedi Master. With a slightly self-deprecating laugh, she guessed, "Ah, the truth, I suppose, huh?"

She furrowed her brow, hesitant to give that to him. She had an awful premonition that telling him would crush him, and that was something she couldn't do. Not after he had been so kind.

So she opted for the partial truth:

"Chancellor Fati is a lovely man," she began. "I hope I didn't embarrass you." As Aes'ona said that, she realized that she felt that statement was applicable to the whole night--to her being his plus one--rather than being constrained to their brief encounter with the leader.

Quickly, she added, hoping that Cedric wouldn't pick up on that, or if he did, leave it alone, "And if I hadn't gotten...had my heart in my mouth I would have more to say to you." She bit down on the inside of her bottom lip, which may or may not have been a visible tell based on how closely she was being watched, to try to proactively stop her eyes for welling. She couldn't be seen crying, in private or not, in Republic space.
And with a Jedi no less. She'd be in awkward company, she reckoned, and that was an even more embarrassing situation she would like to avoid.

"Could I trouble you for some water?" she asked after a long beat, after feeling as if her emotions were sufficiently tempered for the time being.

 

[Placeholder 0128]

There was something off in the empyrean. It told Cedric that Aes'ona might not have been entirely truthful with her words, though he could tell that much by the slight shifts in her face. The ball had rattled Doctor Terrani: she was just good at keeping it hidden. He offered her an easy smile, one meant to show her that he would not be displeased with whatever she chose to say, and walked off to retrieve her a glass.

He offered her the glass of icy water as he took a drink from his own. "Truthfully I've been wondering about my place with the Republic, or any governments lately aside from my people." He said honestly, something he had not voiced to another soul as of yet. things just seemed so easy with Aes'ona, despite the weighted tension he felt clearly in the room. The doctor might have been able to shield her emotions from the world, but she could not hide them from him.

In a way, he almost found that unfair. He saw the slight shifts in her face, could feel the energy of the room, but his perception within the empyrean was a means of cheating. It allowed him a level of intimate understanding of the Doctor that Cedric truly had not earned; it was almost unnatural.

He quickly made a conscious effort to shut himself off from the empyrean, at least temporarily, and found the silence that followed deafening. Cedric spent the majority of his time drifting between reality and the unreality beyond the mind's eye, and to yank himself from it so abruptly was foreign.

He looked exasperated for a moment, his breathing going heavy, and then he was normal. The quiet was unwelcome, but it was something he could adjust to for now. "You didn't embarrass me," he said as he walked along to one of the large windows that overlooked the cityscape below. "Honestly I was worried you'd leave without giving me the time of day after that ball." He paused, brow furrowing as he watched a police speeder pull over a traffic offender.

He looked back over his shoulder, "That would have been..." The furrow of his brow deepened as he fought for the right word. "Unpleasant."

[member="Dr. Aes'ona Terrani"]

 

[Prennis Keeoli]

/ [member="Cedric Grayson"] \​

†††​

As he walked away from her, the doctor fished a valerian root pill out of her pocket. Before leaving her apartment, she had thought it might be useful--and it might well turn out she had been right, or so she hoped as she washed the mild sedative down with a small sip of water. She had found in medical school that the herb, in small doses as not to hasten her to sleep, helped her manage her stress. It was still a trick she employed, though with moderately lower success rates. Still, it was better than nothing.

She nodded at Cedric's musings about his struggle with allegiance. She didn't say it now, but she felt something similar. Was she doing right by her oath anymore? By the leader, she had shot a man a few months ago. Granted, it had been equally for self-preservation as protection for her temporarily assigned partner, but she couldn't disagree that she had willingly did that man harm.

Something she had sworn on FIMS Mountbatten all those years ago not to do.

She had a feeling that the Order was going to start expecting her to go against her pacifist nature much more often. And when they did, when would she refuse? When would it be too much? Sooner than later, she would have to revisit her values and reevaluate them. Playing both a healer and a fighter was tearing the good doctor apart.

Unpleasant?

Cedric's admission relieved Aes'ona more than it probably should have. She blinked but chose to ignore the diction. Admittedly, she didn't know what to think of or say to that--her mind was still too fogged over with the fear participating from the ball that she found drawing insinuations too taxing.

Instead, she joined Cedric. "I don't know why you give it to me," she replied with another awkward laugh. "You-you don't need to tell me. I was a means to an end, I understand that." Nothing about her, voice or otherwise, seemed angry or sad at her own realization. "A hope for cooperation between extremes. And I wanted to be, I wanted that. An opportunity to curb further suffering.

"But those people," she gestured out the window at nothing in particular but in reference to this world's citizenry, " are terrified of me. And, understand, I'm not totally innocent, but if they can't manage to talk to a medical advisor, then I doubt they would be able to negotiate a truce, treaty, deal, what have you, with a Moff."

She paused, taking a sip of her water again. She sighed, not bothering to take her eyes off the flashy air traffic, "I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time."

 

[Placeholder 0128]

For but a moment, the mask was removed.

It was a metaphorical thing, the face with which Cedric presented himself to the galaxy. It was the identity of a Jedi Master, a crusader of the Light that stood proudly as a beacon for his scattered people. It was, of course, part of Cedric, but it was not the whole man. What regarded Aes'ona with inquisitive eyes was not Cedric Grayson the Jedi Master, but Cedric Grayson, ruler of a dead world, prophet of a murdered people, and a creature of such detachment that few found him particularly pleasant.

He had not allowed his true self to show to another soul in many years; doing so had always brought him pain. Bringing others in to the internal plans he had been carrying out since the day of his birth usually only ended up hampering his progress in the end. Cedric had chosen to walk his path alone.

...But Aes'ona drew it out of him. The need to be honest and candid overwhelmed Cedric's good sense. It was a burning feeling in his chest: the sort of feeling he had only experienced during moments of great change and purpose in his life.

"I asked you to come with me to the Republic because I wanted your company. I have wanted more than anything for reconciliation in the past, but experience has shown me that such hopes are unrealistic. I used it as an excuse to get you to come along," his voice had taken on something of a darker note to it, "I'm sorry for putting you through it. That was..." the furrow of his brow deepened. "Selfish of me."

A pause. Cedric lingered upon that momentary silence, savoring it for what it was, and spilled the contents of his heart.

"All my life I've seen nothing but death. I was born pledged to rule a dying nation. My father bred me to be his perfect heir, trained me in the ways of the force, and upon ascending to what I can only assume to be some form of deism, left me his empire. We were a people of tolerance: one that would let all live within our borders so long as they worked together." There was a bitterness to Cedric's words that might have sounded foreign to those that knew him. His generally upbeat attitude had been replaced with that of a man who had seen the galaxy for the monster that it truly was.

"The Sith we took in betrayed us, slaughtered our people, and opened the doors for their emperor to burn my world to ash." That bitterness welled into a flicker of anger, one minuet and restrained, but one might tell from the tension of the Jedi Master's jaw that talking about the issue was making him internally livid. "I came to the Republic because I thought that was what my people needed, that I needed to humble myself to become the Jedi they needed me to be. I've done that, but it doesn't feel right. I can't under another nation's banner. I'm not content simply wearing the title of Jedi - I crave purpose Aes'ona, and I am beginning to realize that no one can give me that purpose; I have to forge it for myself."

A heavy breath fell from Cedric's lips, "We live in a galaxy of endless war, one that will never know peace until the Sith and their entire legacy have been utterly erased from history. The First Order is a symptom of the poison they have spread through the minds of the ignorant, and the Rens that control the order are Sith by another name."

A final pause, "But the New Republic and its predecessors are no better. We haven't had the strength to stem the tide of darkness for centuries now." Cedric's gaze affixed itself upon Aes'ona's own as he turned to face the doctor, "Our leaders are trapped in a cycle of death, and it is of their own making."

[member="Dr. Aes'ona Terrani"]

 

[Prennis Keeoli]

/ [member="Cedric Grayson"] \​

†††​

Aes'ona thought better than argue, noticing the turmoil brewing in Cedric's eyes. Leaning over, she set her glass on the window sill before wiping her hand free of condensation on her black jeans.

"Yes, something like that," she agreed before backtracking, "It's quite all right. I'm just, uh, up the creek without a paddle. I'll survive. And..." She paused and it was her turn to furrow her brow as she thought of an unaggravating statement. Finally, she settled on, "For what it's worth, I'm sure you will find a purpose." For a fleeting moment, she began to extend her hand in comfort--though she wasn't entirely sure if she was aiming for his hand or forearm or shoulder--but she quickly retracted it before it looked too obvious.

It would have been a lie if she was to say that his comment about her Order didn't upset her, but she was preoccupied with worry for her unlikely companion.

She gave a somewhat convincing smile, though without connection to the Force it might have been hard to discern what emotion she was trying to convey. "Republic or not, " she began, turning back to the window. She trailed off, closing her eyes for but a moment before continuing softly, "...I'd like to say I made a friend."

With that, she took back her glass and worked to finish it off gradually, arms crossed in thought.

 

[Placeholder 0128]

Cedric cursed himself as Aes'ona offered him her smile.

He felt guilty for venting his frustrations to the doctor when hers were so clearly visibly. It was selfish to take control of the conversation, and truthfully he had not called Aes'ona here to whine about his problems. The anger left him as it always did, and in its wake stood a hollowness that Cedric could not explain. It was a familiar feeling, one that always came when he indulged his displeasure with the galaxy.

Truthfully he knew that he was a boiling pot of repressed emotions, but he had underestimated just how those feelings might manifest when around someone he was comfortable with. It was a foreign feeling, that momentary loss of control, and as Aes'ona reached out to comfort him, he decided it was something he would rather do without.

A thousand thoughts raced through the soldier's mind as he paid far more attention to the doctor's halted gesture than he really should have. The mood of the room was as bipolar as he was, and with his connection to the force cut off, it seemed his ability to read it was hazy at best and nonexistent at worst.

He opted for silence until Aes'ona turned toward the window and spoke. He hung off her every word, his mind too exhausted from processing his own emotions to drive the conversation forward.

"...I'd like to say I made a friend."

Something akin to relief washed over Cedric. It seemed his display had not driven her off fully.

It was then, as when he had spoken his private thoughts, that he felt the call to purpose. It wasn't one he could allow himself to ignore.

He reached out with a tentative hand to place it upon her shoulder, his voice simply honest, "You have," a pause, "I...don't know how to say this properly, so I'm just going to say it. I want you in my life. Being around you is just so easy, I feel like I can be myself for once." It was as good a confession as Cedric could muster, "You don't have to come to the Republic, and you don't have to return to the First Order - we can leave it all behind."

[member="Dr. Aes'ona Terrani"]

 

[Prennis Keeoli]

/ [member="Cedric Grayson"] \​

| Theme: If I Never Knew You/Farewell |​

†††​

Slowly, Aes'ona turned her head to offer a shy smile, uncrossing her left arm to place her hand gently on top of Cedric's. "That's easy for you to say," she attempted to joke. "You have your own planet. You're the master of your own fate."

With that, Aes'ona stepped away from the window, walking into the kitchen to put her glass into the sink. Only a few half-melted ice cubes remained.

"Me? I have a legacy," she would continue should he follow her as she leaned back against the counter, eyes tracing the pattern of the tiles. " My father was a deathtrooper. A fine one, at that. I doubt he would remember, but Father served the Supreme Leader for a time." She paused to look up at Cedric, eyes slightly wide. She gave an apologetic smile now. "I'm sorry, you don't want to hear this."

Poison can't be poisoned, she almost added.

 

[Placeholder 0128]

He'd expected the response, and had been prepared to receive it.

Something in his gut twisted uncomfortably, but it was a sensation he was quite capable of ignoring. Cedric understood her reasoning even if he did not like the decision, and it wouldn't really help the situation to let his displeasure show.

He allowed himself to enjoy the momentary contact as she touched his hand, however brief it might have been, and remained momentarily silent as he retreated into his thoughts. The Jedi had spent more time than he really should have fantasizing about the future he might have built with the doctor, and perhaps he had allowed himself to get too drawn into the excitement of distant possibilities.

Perhaps he had decided to overthink things and assume all would go as planned, like he always did.

Aes'ona wandered and Cedric followed idly by, his mind's racing thoughts slowing to a crawl as reality overtook infatuation. He had no place nor any right to try and sway the doctor, even if not trying to do so felt so wrong. Instead, he offered her a smile that probably looked wholly genuine, but was entirely artificial. "It's alright," it was very much not alright, "I understand. My family ties me to the Jedi in the same way."

Growing rather uncomfortable in his own skin, Cedric allowed himself to reach out into the empyrean. It offered him comfort, and dulled the edge of his more unpleasant emotions. The displeasure was his own fault; Cedric had begun to notice a pattern in his tendency to put far too much stock into dreams and fantasies. Perhaps that was a sign that he needed to spend more time in reality, and less wandering the empyrean. The thought was, at the very least, distracting.

After a few more moments of self-analyzation, Cedric decided he was tired of processing things and chose to ignore the situation entirely. He wasn't in the mood to go down that road of unpleasant introspection: at least not until he could find some time alone.

"You're right, I'm talking nonsense. All the stress gets to you after awhile." He waved a hand about as he set his own glass in the sink, and allowed the silence to hang there for a moment before adding, "You're returning to the First Order tomorrow?"

[member="Dr. Aes'ona Terrani"]

 

[Prennis Keeoli]

/ [member="Cedric Grayson"] \​

†††​

It wasn't nonsense to Aes'ona. It was simply impractical.

She scooted off to one side to let Cedric through to the sink, frowning as she did. Her mind, too, wandered into the realm of possibilities, completely by itself and she found herself unable, maybe only unwilling, to stop it. A wandering doctor whose only allegiance was to the wellbeing of patients she took on. And while in the company of Cedric Grayson. She felt similarly to him that she could be true to herself here with him.

It didn't seem like an altogether bad idea until she thought about her family and friends in the Order.

Only the Leader knew what the Security Bureau might do to Nileeta and Rache should she desert. It'd probably be done to Taeir as well.

Her response was delayed, the silence extending for longer than it should have "Yes, yes, I am," she answered, pulling herself out of her thoughts as soon as she realized that she had been, in fact, asked a non-rhetorical question. "A pilot will take me back to Atrisia. From there, I'll meet my escort back to the Fleet." She added in her head, They don't trust me to not run away. A valid doubt, if her most recent escapade spoke to newfound proclivities.