Private Demons

[Briana Sal-Soren]

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Wearing: XoXo
Equipment: Lightsaber
Location: Sal-Soren Estate, Hapes
Tag: Jaa Ardan


To be a Jedi, Briana had been told, was to accept and celebrate the joining of the deceased with the Force. It was what she’d been taught and it was what she was expected to follow. Yet the process had not been an easy one for the young mistress. How was she to accept the death of the thousands lost on Naboo? Or to celebrate the loss of her father, whose passing left a profound mark on Blaire and even more so on her mother. And what of those whose life was stuck in the between? One foot in the afterlife, one foot in the now.

How could she be expected to not grieve all of those whom she had failed?

In so many, many ways, she had failed.

In the weeks since her return to Hapes, dealing with her grief was exactly what she’d tried not to do, separating herself from the process by taking on as much as she possibly could, afraid of what might happen if she stopped for even a moment.

Then Blaire had cornered her over the bedside of their comatose sister and she hadn’t been ready for the hard truths she dolled out.

I could have found a way. I should have found a way.

Her tear-stained face rested in her cupped hands, exhaling slowly before she finally looked up, reaching out for the bottle of whyren that sat on the counter of the recently polished bar, pouring herself a generously tall glass in an attempt to keep the past few months from catching up with her.

“If you’re planning to stand there all night,” she quipped, the barstool swiveling as she turned to finally face the man who’d been shadowing her for the better part of the day. His tanned skin and swarthy features stirred something in her gut as she looked towards him and caught sight of those dark eyes, tilting the glass to her lips to take a hearty swig. Briana had known Jaa since childhood, introduced through his father who had served as part of their family security, but there was something... different, than what she could remember. Perhaps it was the lighting, perhaps it was the alcohol fogging her brain. Regardless, it seemed he meant to take on the same responsibilities.

Though typically he was assigned to watch over Blaire, it seemed that directive had shifted, at least for the evening. “then you might as well join me. Otherwise, your presence here is unwelcome. I don’t need a babysitter. I’m quite capable of drinking myself into oblivion without you here."

​

 

[Jaa Ardan]

He'd tried his best to stay out of her way, lingering close enough to his duty but not so close as to impose. His balancing act was not an ever lasting success. He had taken a place near the door of the parlor and simply watched as she sat at the bar, lithe delicate hands wrapped around a bottle of whyren as she poured herself a drink.

"If you're planning to stand there all night," she said, turning to face him.

He should not have been staring. Not at her. And yet he could not help his surprise at how this girl he had known since he was ten years old had grown into a woman, a beautiful stranger.


"then you might as well join me. Otherwise, your presence here is unwelcome. I don't need a babysitter. I'm quite capable of drinking myself into oblivion without you here." She finished somewhat harshly.

Jaa barely lowered his chin to nod ever so slightly and crossed the dark wood floor to join her, a stupid half smile on his face. He did not flinch from her tone, it was in some way welcome. Briana Sal-Soren had never been afraid to let you know how she felt and that was an appreciable change from the time he spent with her sister where thoughts and feelings were guarded like kyber.

"Surely not." He said of her babysitter remark as he poured himself a glass of whyren as well and took a seat at the bar, near but not next to her, there was still a stool between them.

"Briana, forgive me, for shadowing you like a nexu. Your sister explained to me the…conversation between the two of you and was kind enough to relieve me of my duty where she was concerned." He explained.

Jaa did not feel it was required to tell her that after he gently and he thought quite diplomatically suggested that Blaire see things from Briana's side that he sister had shouted at him to "go spend the night with her then!" Before closing her door on him.

"I thought to ask you how you were doing but am not proud to say I found it easier to just do my job rather than pry." He told her.

His job was to act as security for the Sal-Soren family and more specifically for Blaire Sal-Soren, third born out of the triplets and the only one of the three with no connection to The Force. Briana who was first born of the three and who Jaa shared the bar with now and her brother Brandyn had both left their home on Naboo to train to become Jedi, in their teenage years. Jaa wasn't around when they left, he'd already been enrolled at Naboo's premier military academy, a career that took him so far as to work for the same people as his father.

"How are you, Bri?" He asked, knowing the answer to the question already. He knew how she felt because he felt the same way. Naboo had been his home for more than half his life. He lost his father there, the last family he had left. Friends from the academy, his whole life gone.

Briana Sal-Soren

 

[Briana Sal-Soren]

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Wearing: XoXo
Equipment: Lightsaber
Location:
Tag: Jaa Ardan

Her lips twitched into a half-hearted smirk, crystal blue eyes flicking towards him before resting back on her own glass, waving off the apology. “Of course she did." She scoffed, "Did she kindly demonstrate her pitching skills as you left, too? She's got freakishly good aim for someone who's not Force Sensitive." Briana commented drly, trying to scrape up some of that cock-sured attitude that she'd always been known for, though the effort wasn't tremendously successful.

"I thought to ask you how you were doing but am not proud to say I found it easier to just do my job rather than pry." He told her. "How are you, Bri?"

A lump was swallowed in her tightening throat, shoulders drooping as though giving way to a tremendous weight.

"I-" no one had bothered to ask until now on how she was coping.

Most either laid blame or ignored her altogether.

Briana was unused to being invisible, but in some ways preferred it, spending most of her time going through the motions, trying not to think about her losses, lest the grief incapacitate her. She had seen the surface of their world destroyed and watched her childhood home burn, all the while knowing that her father and Breha had been inside it. The enormity of those sorrows made it difficult for her to wrap her head around and fully process. And now, with Breha in her condition...

Her rationality regularly dueled with the profound guilt that gripped her.

Briana knew - open the floodgates even a little, and that tide of grief would overwhelm her.

And so, sternly, she willed away the thoughts and emotion that such a simple question evoked.

"I'm tired." She told him, "I have a meeting with my Sal-Soren relatives in two days and have to draw up a convincing speech against their imposed conservatorship to prove that Blaire and I are ready to handle the brunt and maintenance of our father's businesses. Make them believe our family isn't in shambles."

Her patience with her Sal-Soren relatives had never been high, especially since she was not the favored child by any opinions in regards to her father's legacy, despite holding slightly more claim than Brandyn or even Blaire. They'd never made this any secret, and in return, she'd never shown much love for them - aside from her parents and siblings. Perhaps that was just the backstabbing tendencies of old Corellian money.

"It'd be an easier sell if my Mom wasn't living in denial about Brandyn and my Dad and actively burying her head in the sand. Maybe if she worked more on being in the present and opened her eyes to the reality of our situation, instead of living in an illusion and searching the Force for impossible answers, we wouldn’t be in this mess." It was a harsh judgment, one that she almost immediately regretted passing, but swallowed down with another hearty shot to drown out the guilt.

“What about you? You were supposed to leave for the academy...last I heard. Did you come back to work for my family before..." the attack, "or after?" It was a dream she’d once had, herself, to start a career with Naboo’s special forces which would eventually lead to a position in politics… maybe even Queen of Naboo, down the road.

A life well planned, all laid out in a nice, straight line.

Until Brandyn had run away.

Until the Force had changed everything.

​

 

[Jaa Ardan]

“Kindly? No, ma’am but fortunately I’ve had plenty of practice to know when to duck.” his words were formal enough, but make no mistake, his tone and the way he slouched in his seat left no doubt that he was being…how did Blaire put it…roguish. He would name his demeanor as comfortingly informal.

“Two days? Not much time left then.” He said quite unhelpfully. Though it could have been worse. He could have asked if she had told Blaire about all this. Maybe she had and Blaire had just not taken the time to share it with him or maybe Briana had noticed that Blaire did not exactly make herself available and when she did, she did not long make herself someone you wanted to be around.

“Any ideas yet on what you’ll say to them? Can’t you just wave your hand and convince them, mighty Jedi?” He did a little wave with his fingers and raised his eyebrows a few times, making it clear he was only attempting to lighten the mood. “Two days away though?” He said again. “If you don’t got it by now, you’re not going to have it, so now it’s time to stop worrying, and time to keep drinking.”

He topped off her drink before raising his glass to her and taking a long pull.

“Don’t you go throwing anything at me now but…” He put his hands up in mock surrender. “...You should cut your mum some slack. Sometimes when this sort of thing happens, some people just retreat into what they know before they can move forward, yeah? I’m sure you’ve learned similar things when they teach you how to fight. Sometimes when you hit unstable ground your best bet is to walk back until you found your feet again. Though you strike me as the type who pushes forward, finds her feet as she goes, yeah?”

Jaa took another drink, letting his words sit with her.

“When we lost me mum all that time ago, my da did the same thing, only it weren’t the force he got lost in, it was the drink. My da, your mum, they’re good people who got lost in a terrible storm. Teyla is just lucky shes got someone like you at the helm next to her, yeah. Fearless you are, whether you want to be or not I’d wager.”

He topped his own glass off now.

“Me?” He asked exaggeratedly placing a hand on his chest. That was a hard question. Jaa was as lost as the rest of them, his father lost in the flames, his friends, his home just as much as hers but he was the help, he had no conservatorship, no legacy, no…anything anymore.

“I made it to academy, yeah.”

And got the fething boot

“I came back round, just over a year ago now, so I was here with your mum and sis when…”

I should have been there.

Briana Sal-Soren

 

[Briana Sal-Soren]

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Wearing: XoXo
Equipment: Lightsaber
Location: Sal-Soren Estate, Hapes
Tag: Jaa Ardan

“Any ideas yet on what you’ll say to them? Can’t you just wave your hand and convince them, mighty Jedi?” He did a little wave with his fingers and raised his eyebrows a few times, making it clear he was only attempting to lighten the mood. “Two days away though?” He said again. “If you don’t got it by now, you’re not going to have it, so now it’s time to stop worrying, and time to keep drinking.”

"I'm sure that would go over well," she laughed softly, her crystaline-eyes flicking up at him through cole-stained lashes, her lips pulling into a muted wry smile as he plied her with more whisky. "I really shouldn't," she said, attempting to look contemplative and serious in an effort to hide the whim of rebellious curiosity that'd already sparked inside her. Rocket-fuel blood, her mother had often named it. The curse of all those who shared the blood of Olys Corellisi—giving them an insatiable desire for adventure, danger, and excitement; a nature that warred against her training and the genteel Naboo ancestry that coursed through her veins in equal measure.

Briana would be lying if she denied she wasn't curious about the potential outcomes and endings of this particular scenario with Jaa, there'd always been something about the man that tempted her, and while she knew the responsible thing to do would be to extract herself from the situation and attend to her responsibilities, she couldn't resist the idea of being reckless with him for one night. "but why not? Leave tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. It's certainly better than the alternative, and if worse comes to worse, there's always my winning smile. I'm told it's quite convincing." she took a long drink from her glass, managing to avoid the involuntary cough this time.

“Don’t you go throwing anything at me now but...You should cut your mum some slack. Sometimes when this sort of thing happens, some people just retreat into what they know before they can move forward, yeah? I’m sure you’ve learned similar things when they teach you how to fight. Sometimes when you hit unstable ground your best bet is to walk back until you found your feet again. Though you strike me as the type who pushes forward, finds her feet as she goes, yeah? When we lost me mum all that time ago, my da did the same thing, only it weren’t the force he got lost in, it was the drink. My da, your mum, they’re good people who got lost in a terrible storm. Teyla is just lucky shes got someone like you at the helm next to her, yeah. Fearless you are, whether you want to be or not I’d wager.”

"I wish I was fearless," she said with a one-note laugh, a frown threatening to tug at the corners of her mouth. That flicker of fear was always present, a constant battle against her natural inclination to run away and hope that someone else would figure it out instead. "it'd make all of this a lot easier, that's for sure. The truth is, I was only ever fearless because I knew my Dad and Brandyn would be there to fall back on if things got too tough. They would know the right words to say to my mother, and they understood Blaire in ways that I never have. I felt safe knowing they were by my side. But now..." she let her words trail off into silence, finger tapping gently against the glass. "I just wish I didn't feel so alone."

The remnants of her glass were polished off, followed by the immediate indication that she wanted more.

“Me?” I made it to academy, yeah. I came back round, just over a year ago now, so I was here with your mum and sis when…”

The unspoken weight of their shared grief over the catastrophic events on their home world entered the room like an uninvited specter and settled around their shoulders, leaving Briana feeling quite sober despite the rose that'd started to bloom in her cheeks, indicating otherwise. "I'm glad that you were here with them," she said quietly.

I couldn't afford to lose anyone else, she left unspoken.

"They needed the support, especially Blaire. Who knows how far she might have fallen if you weren't looking after her."

​

 

[Jaa Ardan]

Briana Sal-Soren

"I really shouldn't," she said, when he topped her glass off.

"Aye, and that's what makes it fun. They do allow you to have fun don't they?" He asked with a teasing grin.

He was of course referring to the Jedi. Jaa had been many places in the galaxy, done many things, and yet somehow the only Jedi he knew happened to be named Sal-Soren. Not to say he hadn't met any people gifted with The Force. When Jaa floated around the galaxy as a merc, a member of The Bloody Bastards, his Captain was a forcer, though she wasn't trained nearly as formally as Briana and her brother.

"but why not? Leave tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. It's certainly better than the alternative, and if worse comes to worse, there's always my winning smile. I'm told it's quite convincing." she took a long drink from her glass.

"Cheers to that." Jaa said taking a drink with her.

"Your lips would be hard to say no to." He agreed.

"I wish I was fearless," she said with a one-note laugh, a frown threatening to tug at the corners of her mouth…


Jaa moved into the empty seat between them. Her hand tapped idly against her glass, he took her free hand into his.

"You're not alone." He told her softly. "Even if you think you are facing this thing by yourself, you are not alone. Your mum, your sister…he'll, even me. We are all grieving the same loss, that has to connect us somehow, doesn't it? If Blaire or your mum can't be right next to you right now, you have to know they are walking down the same path. You aren't alone, you're just at different parts is all." He gave her hand a squeeze.

"Briana, it is okay to be afraid. Before my da and me came to Naboo, I was unruly in my desire to stay with my mother. I was angry and spiteful and it was because I was afraid. Obviously, I did come and I did stop being, as afraid. My mother wrote me a letter, with her own hands. That letter turned out to be the last thing she ever said to me before she was lost."

Jaa rolled up the sleeve on his left arm and revealed to Briana a tattoo written in elegant script. It read:

Fear is like snow. Enough of it at once will leave you blind to the world around you. It is cold and biting. It takes effort to push through when it piled up. Most of all fear is like snow because it is temporary.

"That is my mother's words in her own handwriting." He explained.

"They needed the support, especially Blaire. Who knows how far she might have fallen if you weren't looking after her."

"Your sister does well looking after herself." He told her with his trademark half grin. "I can certainly take no credit for curbing anyone's impulses. The devil on the shoulder bears me a striking resemblance."

He laughed, a hand falling gently to her leg.

"Which of your impulses, can I help you indulge in?"

 

[Briana Sal-Soren]

Wearing: XoXo
Equipment: Lightsaber
Location: Sal-Soren Estate, Hapes
Tag: Jaa Ardan

"You're not alone," Jaa murmured, feeling the warmth of his calloused hand as he took hers - a lifeline amid a tempestuous sea threatening to drown her. "Even if you think you are facing this thing by yourself, you are not alone. Your mum, your sister…he'll, even me. We are all grieving the same loss, that has to connect us somehow, doesn't it? If Blaire or your mum can't be right next to you right now, you have to know they are walking down the same path. You aren't alone, you're just at different parts is all."

His words struck a chord within her, reverberating down to her very bones as the truth of his words became clear. She’d been so focused on her own suffering that she didn't see those around her who were hurting just as much. That her sister and mother traveled the same path alongside her, brought a small measure of comfort; but it was Jaa's story—his vulnerability—that truly resonated, making her feel less isolated in her fears and struggles. It depicted a man equally fragile, painting him in an entirely new light that somehow made her feel safe.

"Your mother sounds like a very insightful person," she said softly, setting down her glass to trace the elegant script with her finger. His story had touched her deeply, and she felt tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. "Thank you for sharing all this with me," she whispered, her voice trembling with emotion. "I really needed to hear it."

"Your sister does well looking after herself." He told her with his trademark half grin. "I can certainly take no credit for curbing anyone's impulses. The devil on the shoulder bears me a striking resemblance."

"Oh, I'm quite familiar with that devil,” she said with a wry chuckle and soft sniff, slightly embarrassed that she’d let herself get so emotional as she used the pads of her fingers to wipe away the mist that’d formed in the corner of her eyes.

"Which of your impulses, can I help you indulge in?"

Briana's cheeks flushed as she felt the warmth of his hand on her leg, a shudder skittering down her spine. She knew that giving in to what Jaa seemed to suggest was a bad idea, that it could lead to more pain in the long run. But in the moment, the desire to abandon herself to his embrace and put away her sorrow seemed irresistible, more so than seeking solace at the bottom of her glass.

Leaning forward, their lips a breath apart, she whispered, “Maybe something involving a bit of adventure…” Her own hand came to rest atop of his, a challenge shining through in her cerulean gaze, “if you think you can handle that."