Public Denial in the Dark

[Braze]

TAGS: @Open to any one reasonably there at that time.

In the dark and quiet of the Jedi Temple, Braze sat alone in the training room. His newly-created lightsaber clumsily grasped in his right hand, he struggled to complete the simplest of saber forms. For a former half Echani dualist, this was a frustrating and humiliating setback. It had only been a few weeks since his left arm was paralyzed, and he was determined to regain his skills no matter what.

During his initial attempts, he tried to push himself to exhaustion, but he felt useless and inadequate. As he caught his reflection in the window; He saw his arm limp and useless hanging in the black sling. Tears stung his eyes as he looked at his useless appendage. He felt so powerless and incomplete. Trying to suppress his emotions, he let out a loud grunt as he slashed through the air with his clumsy, awkward attempt at saber skill.

He grew more and more agitated as time passed, his heart pounding and his body shaking. He threw his saber at the wall in a fit of rage, its hilt clattering to the floor. His failure to reclaim the skills that once came so naturally to him was the final straw. He collapsed to his knees, letting out a deep and anguished cry.

"No, no, no!" The words echoed around inside his head until they faded into silence.

With a deep breath, Braze pushed through his limits. He retrieved his hilt and he began to move his saber at a furious pace, ignoring the burning in his muscles and the sweat running down his brow. A single mistake would knock him off-balance, but he refused to quit. He had spent so much of his life honing his physical abilities, and now it felt like he was starting all over again.

Braze pushed his anxieties to the back of his mind. He felt as if he knew he would never achieve the same level of mastery he had with his previous saber, but that didn't stop him from trying. As he began his training once again, he felt a surge of energy. With a determined expression, he launched into a sequence of offensive strikes. He aimed with precision, sending the saber hurtling towards various targets around the room. Despite the limitations of his body, Braze was more agile than ever. He whirled through the air, using his momentum to drive his saber into his intended targets.

And yet, he still felt a gnawing sense of defeat. He didn't care how long it took or how hard it was, he would train as hard as he could to regain his skill and status. As he ran through his forms, he struggled to maintain his balance.

The saber felt alien in his hand, a tool that once responded to the slightest nuance of his will now a source of clumsy, uncoordinated movements. He was painfully aware of how inadequate his attempts were compared to his past skill. The disparity between then and now was a chasm that seemed to widen with every faltering step and misdirected swing.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

Ko had felt a little anxious lately. The idea of getting to see Dorin once more had his mind racing. He wasn’t sure how long it would be, and wondered if he needed to get someone to look after his bonsai tree, since he doubted he would be able to take it with him. It was also possible that he wouldn’t be there very long at all.

The young Kel Dor walked along the halls of the NJO temple, thinking over his mental checklist of things he wanted to get taken care of before so that he could be prepared. As he passed by one of the many training rooms he sensed the familiar presence of a certain padawan. Feeling a cocktail of negativity as well. Ko’s shoulders sagged some from it. Wondering if the younger padawan was getting himself frustrated again with his strange tightrope training regiment.

For a moment Ko wondered if he should just ignore it and continue on with his day while not needing to intervene with any of Braze’s antics. But he also feared that if he didn’t then the boy would start looking around for forbidden knowledge once more and overexert himself trying to conjure a typhoon deep within a desert.

Ko was also aware of the struggle Braze recently endured. Nearly losing his arm as a consequence of it. He knew it was probably best to check on the younger padawan. Maybe he would get to flex some of his wisdom over the boy again. Letting out a sigh through his mask he turned his body and made his way to the training room. One hand gripped his bamboo shikomizue in one hand and rested it on his shoulder. His other hand curled up into a loose fist before he tapped his knuckles on the door before it slid open.

“Well, good afternoon Braze, getting some training in after lunch I presume.” Ko said, although he suspected that the boy likely forgot about having lunch. His tone was rather casual and left room for Braze to respond however he wanted to. He could tell the echani boy was upset and sought to see what the issue might be without coming off as pushy or intrusive. ​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

Startled by the unexpected knocking, Braze's sullen mood deepened—it had to be the middle of the night. Glancing over at Ko, who had just entered as he was catching his breath, Braze's frown deepened as he deactivated his saber.

"It's... It's the middle of the night, Ko... I... I've lost track of time... I think dinner in the mess hall was over an hour ago," he muttered, his voice heavy with exhaustion and tinged with self-loathing and sorrow, despite his efforts to mask these emotions. After placing the saber hilt on a table, he rubbed his eyes wearily and slumped to the floor, eventually lying back to stare at the ceiling. This was a rare sight; Braze seldom treated his weapon with anything less than the utmost care, often showing off with elaborate and dangerous tricks when stowing and retrieving it from his person. But in that moment, he wanted nothing to do with it, his breaths shallow as he lay there, absorbing the cold touch of the stone beneath him, a stark contrast to his usual fiery spirit.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

“Oh dear, it’s really that late already? Well telling time isn’t quite what it used to be, and it can be difficult telling the time now for me without an analog dial clock.” Ko explained, thinking about how he needed to still get one for his room. Unfortunately they could be rather expensive since they were often old antiques or pricy replicas. Perhaps he could look into getting his own.

After thinking to himself for a moment he brought his attention back to the sad boy before him. “Something tells me that you skipped having dinner? I hope you’re keeping your body refueled and not taking the food here for granted.” Ko said, suspecting that Braze wasn’t taking care of himself. He watched as the younger padawan set their lightsaber down and laid back on the floor.

Strolling past the prone boy casually Ko observed the new lightsaber. Reaching out he grasped it in his clawed digits carefully. The tactile sensation helping to give him a better view of the kyber powered instrument. “A new saber?” Ko questioned, wondering if Braze too may have lost their saber like he had prior. There wasn’t any judgment in his question, partly since it would be hypocritical for him of all padawans to pass judgment on being separated with their lightsaber.​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

​

Braze just languished on the floor, panting lightly for a while as he listened to Ko.
He groaned and rolled over onto his side. "I don't need food, I don't need pity, I just... I just want to be able to feel like myself again. But how can I, when every attempt just reminds me of what I can't do anymore?" He mewled on the floor moving to hit the ground with his singular good hand,

Tears started to form in his eyes as his anger gave way to a deeper sorrow. "I'm sorry, Ko. I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I'm just so tired of fighting a battle I can't seem to win. Tired of feeling like a burden to everyone around me. What's the point of all this training if I'll never be the Jedi I was meant to be? How could I possibly even be useful? How can I be useful like this, Ko?" Braze's voice started cracking under the weight of his emotions as he shifted to try and sit up seemingly struggling t o even do that with just one hand. "I can't even complete the simplest forms without feeling like a complete failure. Everything I've worked for, everything I am—it's just... gone. " He gestured with heated vigor before collapsing back to the floor, Braze settled with his back to a wall and buried his face in his hands, his body shaking with sobs. It would seem that the impact of his injury had him feeling a loss of identity and sense of self-worth.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Ko. I'm just... so lost," his voice was muffled and faint, the fight gone from his tone.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

Ko listened to Braze begin to vent some. Gently placing their lightsaber back down as the young boy began to explain what had been troubling him. His eyes would’ve narrowed some if he still had them while hearing Braze talk about how he didn’t need food. Spoken like somebody who hasn’t been living off a liquid diet for a decade. To the point where people able to actually chew food can feel like a work out for his face.

But the Kel Dor continued to listen to Braze, letting them speak and vent patiently. Not chiming in or interrupting them. Although he could understand the young padawans sadness and why they were upset. He was also trying to view things like a more objective outsider. Having no desire to feed into Braze’s doubts and insecurities, which he believed to be the bane of any Force Adept no matter their allegiance.

Eventually though, after Braze was done speaking Ko thought for a moment on what to reply to first. “Maybe you're right Braze. Maybe there really is no place for one armed Jedi here. Hell, maybe the masters just gave Jasper Kai'el the position of council member out of pity for missing his arm?” Ko mused out loud. He didn’t believe his own words, not one bit. He wondered if by tactlessly insulting Jasper's capabilities and role in the NJO that the echani boy might snap out of this slump of theirs.

“The same probably goes for blind jedi too, I mean I can’t even read things on data screens or view holograms anymore. It’s such a big hassle now to research and study things that I should probably just throw in the towel.” Ko continued, discrediting himself now because of his own disability. Trying to turn the tables on Braze and hopefully have him see how foolish they are right now. His tone was rather neutral, not negative or mocking. He just spoke plainly. Would it make Braze more sad, maybe even angry? Possibly. But Ko believed that was okay. It’s okay to be sad, angry, doubtful. It was important to be mindful of these things and to not act or be driven by negativity like that. Ko sought to address more of what Braze had told him, but he wanted to see how the younger padawan would react to his words so far.​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

​

The neutral tone Ko had seemed to cause a touch of dissonance in his thoughts as he processed those words with that tone. Initially, Braze sounded like he was just spiraling and more upset hearing what Ko said. Perhaps he wasn't in a mental state good enough to discern that Ko wasn't speaking truthfully with that kind of tone. However, there was a strangled, tear-laden sniffle of words that came from the pathetic ball of misery and tears that was Braze.

"Don't say those things..." He mewled softly, rubbing at his eyes.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

Ko took no pleasure or enjoyment over seeing Braze so upset. But truly believed that it was important for the boy to feel comfortable enough to express himself and even break down if need be. However it seemed like Braze couldn’t tell that Ko wasn’t being honest in his words. But I could recognize that Ko really shouldn’t say such things.

The Kel Dor stepped a bit closer to Braze before lowering himself. He sat down on the floor next to the echani boy crossing his legs as he did and set his cane sword down next to him and crossed his arms. “Correct, I really shouldn’t be saying those things. So why are you?” Ko figured he would try and be a little less subtle in his approach now. “You can’t use your dominant hand, so what? Seems to me like you’ve been using it like a crutch this whole time since you’re falling apart in its absence.” Saying that outloud made Ko recall something just now. Something he might need to remind Braze of.

“Seems to me that you’ve let your non-dominant hand atrophy and are now paying the price for that. You’ve been playing too much to your strengths and not enough on building up your weaknesses. Just like that day you asked me on how to better understand girls and relationships. It wasn’t something that came naturally for you, so you had to actually work on it.” Ko said, trying to point out part of the issue he was seeing right now with Braze’s mood. It seemed like a the echani boy felt like a piece of them was missing. This idea that if they couldn't be a good fighter than they were nothing. Martial prowess was a big part of Echani culture, and many youthful jedi valued the combative aspect of being a jedi over others. So to Ko it made since that Braze felt useless.​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

Ko was right.

Braze hated it when Ko was right.

Even as the older one sat down next to him and took the time to speak in a way that Braze could understand, the sorrowful boy could only sniffle and sulk.

Being a skilled swordsman and duelist was one of the few things Braze had used to define himself. It was a source of pride, a skill that set him apart and gave him a sense of identity. But now, faced with the depth of his emotional turmoil, Braze questioned what else there was to him beyond his combat prowess. What else could he do? He could achieve a lot if he was honest with himself and just accepted things. It is what it is, after all, right?

"I don't know... I don't have an excuse... I just feel broken and distraught... I'm trying to cope... I just... can't," Braze mewled sadly. "Maybe you're right... Maybe I deserve this for not trying harder..." Braze sobbed through muffled sounds, perhaps misunderstanding Ko's intentions.

"I don't want to be this way. I didn't ask for this... Nothing I do just... works. It's like I'm trapped in a cockpit on a ship hurtling to some unknown destination, and I can't do anything. None of the controls are responding."

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

He listened to Braze’s response, the younger padawan seemingly misunderstood what Ko was trying to explain to him. “No no that’s not it at all. You didn’t deserve this any more than I deserved the loss of my eyes.” The Kel Dor thought for a moment, trying to figure out a good approach on how to communicate with the sulking boy. Partly feel like it might just be best to leave Braze to think things over himself. But leaving him alone unattended always ran the risk of some sort of disaster playing out.

“Listen Braze, you’re a talented fighter, and I don’t believe only needing to rely on one arm will be sufficient enough to stop you from continuing to thrive.” Ko said honestly, after all when considering Braze’s master and preferred fighting style it seemed like they were oddly well suited to manage with the loss of one of his arms. Ko also didn’t desire to be too blunt or harsh on the echani boy. He was just a kid after all, they both were.

Ko had the pleasure of getting to spend a few years in the service corps. Affording him plenty of time on his own and quite literally ground himself. It was possible that if he hadn’t had those experiences then he would be more similar to Braze. “You mentioned too that you felt useless… Does that mean that to you a Jedi’s value and capability comes only from their ability to fight?” Ko asked, his tone was a bit more critical. ​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

In response to Ko's earnest attempt to guide and comfort him, Braze's emotions surged like a tempest, his heart a battleground of confusion and grief.

"You make it sound so easy to just... move on," he murmured, the words slipping out amidst a struggle to hold back tears. His head shook slightly. Trying to stifle his sniffles, Braze fought a losing battle against the sorrow that threatened to overwhelm him.


"I don't know what I believe anymore," Braze confessed, his voice fragile. "Everything I was striving for, everything I thought I was... it's all been torn away from me. How am I supposed to feel?" The question hung heavily between them, laden with the raw ache of a soul in torment. It was a plea for understanding.

Braze's gaze, usually so full of fire, now shimmered with unshed tears, reflecting the depth of his despair. The loss of his arm, the sudden upheaval of his identity and purpose, had left him adrift in a sea of doubt and self-recrimination. He was revisiting the chasm between the Jedi he wanted to be and the reality he now faced.

Braze was very clearly wrestling with the shards of his shattered dreams and struggling to cope. He just didn't know how to just not act or feel this way. It was his vision for himself that he had recently decided upon and worked tirelessly to mold himself to that was in shambles.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

As Ko listened more to Braze’s response and seeming incapability to properly engage in what he was saying. There was a pang of frustration in him over the self pity expressed in the echani boy. Even clenching his clawed fist for a moment. Ko took a deep breath before letting out a long sigh.

He began to think that he might need to approach this differently. “I understand, I really do. When I was younger I wanted to be a Jedi Ace. But when I lost my eyes I feared that, as well as my journey as a Jedi might’ve come to an end.” Ko didn’t mention that as he got older piloting became much more nerve wracking for him as well. He also didn't quite feel like opening up that much to him. “So Braze… Why don’t you tell me what kind of jedi you want to be? What does being a jedi truly mean to you? And be honest.” Ko wasn’t sure if anything he himself could say would matter much to Braze at the moment. So he hypothesized that it might be better just for Braze to do the talking here. This was theirs after all.

When he asked his voice was full of patience, although Ko struggled to find if Braze warranted his patience at this point. Since he has gotten annoyed with the younger padawan’s antics.​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

​

Braze remained silent for a long few moments, Ko's words echoing in the stillness between them. The question posed to him felt like a crossroads, a moment demanding introspection and honesty. What kind of Jedi did he want to be? The simplicity of the question belied its depth, and for once, Braze found the usual rush of responses that filled his mind quieted.

He sat there, still and contemplative, the weight of Ko's patience and the gravity of his own situation pressing down on him. The frustration and self-pity that had clouded his thoughts began to dissipate, replaced by a burgeoning clarity. Ko's story, of his loss, and adaptation resonated with Braze, offering a mirror to his own fears and aspirations.

In the silence, Braze realized what it was he thought he knew; It was about resilience, about finding a way to rise above one's limitations and to serve a purpose greater than oneself. It was about the courage to face the unknown, to adapt and to grow, even when the path seemed insurmountable.

As these thoughts coalesced, Braze found his voice, albeit softer and more reflective than before. "I... I'm not sure yet," he admitted, his gaze lifting to meet Ko's. "But I know I want to be more than just my fears or my injuries."

In the quiet that followed, Braze's thoughts gathered like storm clouds, dark with the memory of past failures. The silence stretched between them, heavy with expectation, until Braze finally found the words to voice the core of his aspirations.

"I want to be a protector," he began, his voice carrying a newfound resolve. "I've failed in the past, and those failures... they haunt me. I want to be strong enough to prevent bad things from happening to those I care about." His eyes, usually so full of youthful energy, now bore the weight of his earnest desire.

Braze's gaze drifted, lost in thought. "I want to stand up against threats, to be able to keep my family and friends safe from harm."

The fear of loss, was a constant shadow in his heart, crept into his voice as crystal droplets started to swell in his eyes once more. "I don't want to lose anyone else."

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

For Ko, Braze’s moment of silence spoke volumes. It communicated to Kel Dor that he was actually considering his words. If Braze had just snapped back or made some sorrowful retort Ko would know that this just wasn’t a good time and to check on the younger padawan later.

Ko patiently listened to the echani’s admission and nodded softly. “I believe many people share those feelings. They don’t want to be defined by their limitations.” Ko replied, before listening more to Braze’s explanation answer to the question. The concerns expressed were understandable. Practically universal. Who wouldn’t want to look after and protect the people that they care about. Although parts of him worried that it was the sentiment permeated a little too strongly within their order.

Quietly Ko pondered where Braze’s feelings may have uniquely stemmed from and how he should reply. Even though there probably wasn’t a right thing to say or respond with. These days Ko wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do or who he’d like to become if he ever got knighted. Ko was aware that some of his contemporaries viewed him as rather wise. He wanted to live up to that expectation as reliable and mature. But for now he was still just a kid as well.

“It’s not hard to imagine why you’re so torn up over these recent struggles of yours. Especially if this has been what’s on your mind. But I do appreciate the honesty, which may be the most important thing for you to come to terms with right now. Be honest with yourself, but don’t let your doubts lead you astray. Understand them and you will be better equipped to overcome them I assure you.” Ko hoped that those words were helpful. To him they weren’t all that profound or eye opening. He was sure that if he had more time to think things over with Braze, then he could probably say something better.​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

Braze sniffled, wiping away the last of his tears with a swipe of his hand. "You're right... no point in crying over it now, right?" His voice, though still tinged with sadness, carried a hint of newfound resolve. "Crying won't change anything, and I can't get any better if I'm just sitting around feeling sorry for myself... I guess I just have to accept that I'm not the same as I was before... and that's something that's never going to change."

He sighed, a quiet acceptance of his new reality. "I guess I have to find a new way to be me, huh?" he added, almost to himself, a small smile beginning to form despite the sorrow. "A different me, but still me."

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

It was good to see that Braze seemed to have gained a bit more resolve now. “I’m not gonna tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t be allowed to cry and get upset over things that happen. Also we’re lucky enough to live in a time with amazing medical technology. I don’t believe this will be a permanent thing. I even believe I might get my eyes back again, or at least new ones.” Ko remarked, believing that even if Braze’s arm still functioned that they wouldn’t be the same they were before. People are dynamic and change constantly just like hours in a day. Sometimes people just change more than others and more quickly.

Grabbing his bamboo cane Ko used it to help himself back up into his feet. “I don’t know exactly what you’re doing here, but if it’s anything like the last time I found you like this my best guess was that you’re pushing yourself to some ridiculous degree. You’re testing yourself but not actually exercising.” The elder padawan predicted. To him, actual exercising wasn’t glamorous. It was dull, strenuous, busy work. But necessary to actually get the results one was striving for. Now that Braze actually seemed to be listening to him Ko felt like he could try and give some actual practical guidance.

“It’s like you’ve decided to try and write beautiful calligraphy with the hand you’ve never written with. It’s gonna look terrible.” The metaphor was probably more relevant to himself than Braze. ​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

​

Braze was quietly calm and subdued. He listened to Ko carefully and seemed to brighten up over the suggestion that they both might somehow get better. He didn't care if it was realistic or not but he felt comforted by it. But when Ko started to talk about Caligraphy there was a spark that was ignited in Braze and he looked to Ko.

"That's exactly what it's like...! I've been trying to do drills. I'm trying to do my forms. I want to work up to what I was doing before. I was so close. You have no idea how close I was... But now... Now... Everything just feels so... off. It looks bad, feels bad, it IS bad," Braze quietly lamented. "It's just so hard..." he added softly.


"I already felt like everyone else was outpacing me... " He said with a sorrowful tone as he admitted that aloud to Ko wiping away any newly forming tears.
"And this is a major setback. " He added completely convinced of that being a fact.

 

[Ko Vuto]

Location: NJO Temple
Tag: Braze

---

The elder padawan listened to Braze’s response. Seemingly agreeing with the metaphor more than he had expected. Ko could also appreciate that Braze wasn’t looking down on his performance in a manner that suggested some sort of self loathing. But instead felt more like an honest recognition of his cablaities.

“It sounds like you're demanding the same level of competency without working for it. You say you want to, but haven’t yet built yourself up to that point. You gotta do the part that nobody wants to do. Baby steps. It sucks, you don’t like them, I don’t like them, but it’s important to do.” Ko explained, and suddenly felt like he was taking on the role of a coach for Braze.

He listened to the echani boy admit to feeling like he’d been outpaced by everyone else, and that this wound of his only worsened that feeling. That sentiment actually managed to tug at Ko’s heart-strings. A feeling that the two of them may have had in common more than he’d like to admit. “Braze, when I was in the service corps and worked as a farm hand I felt the same way. I’d feared that even if I continued my training as a padawan again, it would be too far behind and outclassed by everyone else. Especially someone who’s naturally strong in The Force like you.” He confessed to him. Ko knew that Braze had looked up to him some. Which had always felt jarring to the Kel Dor considering that the Echani was something of a prodigy in comparison when they were younger.

Now that he was on his feet Ko stepped over to Braze and leaned over him. “So I know how you feel, I really do…” He reached out with one of his clawed hands. Offering it to Braze to help him back up to his feet. As if thought to literally pick him up out of his sorrow.​

 

[Braze]

TAGS: Ko Vuto

Braze was quiet and reflective for a few long, silent moments. He drew a deep, heavy breath and held it, his chest tight, muscles tensed as if everything within him was wound tightly. He let out a heavy, slow sigh, allowing all the tension to melt away as his shoulders slackened. He looked at the offered hand with a frown seemingly affixed to his features, listening to what Ko had said and empathizing with it internally. A few more hot, crystal droplets slipped from his eyes, pouring forth. He accepted the hand and murmured a somber reply, "Thank you, Ko... Thank you for caring."

As he held Ko's hand, Braze felt a small measure of solace in the midst of his turmoil. The gesture, simple yet profound, reminded him that he wasn't alone in his struggles. It was a moment of connection and the importance of friendship and support, a beacon of light in the darkness that seemed to envelop him. This acknowledgment of his pain and Ko's willingness to stand by him offered a glimmer of hope: Even in the darkest times, there are people who will reach out and help lift you back into the light.