Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Eldrazial

Status
Not open for further replies.
Name: Eldrazial (EL-Drah-Zee-Ail)
Designation: [Sentient)
Homeworld: avolus 2
Language: Galactic standard
Average height of adults: 2 meters
Skin color: blue, green, aqua, grey, purple, tan.
Hair color: none (it is not typical of them to have hair)
Breathes: Oxygen Via their gills and nose depending on the environment
Strengths: Can breath underwater,

Is an exceptionally fast swimmer: Due to there bodies being naturally muscular and fit, they tend to exell in physical activities

very athletic bodies by nature, Due to spending most of there lives swimming in water with double that of earths oxigyn along with oxigyn rich air and crustashions as food, there muscle density and mass are much more tones without as much work needed

Intelligence in alien tech diuspite there isolated tendancies


Weaknesses:

Becomes much slower in intense heat: Due to there bodies containing a largely high amount of water, dehydration can cause them to lose energy and cause them to slow in order to conserve

dislikes hot weather: stated above.

electric shocks cause horrific pain: due to there mainly water filled bodies electricval shocks can cause much more pain then they would to others, even more so if they are wet

Distinctions:

Pure black eyes,
3rd eyelids,
brightly colored gills on there neck,
webbed fingers and toes,
deep gravely voice,
sharp teeth like fangs,
There bite CAN be toxic as well as there nails and sweat

Average Lifespan: 400 years

Races: NA

Estimated Population: 7 million (rough estimation)

Diet: Fish, seaweed, crustation, fruits, meats (death sticks, wail not food, can be deadly tothere health due to the chemicals)

Communication: talking, sign launguage

Culture: The eldrazial make there homes from the underwater rocks and caves of there planet. Often hunters and gatherers they hunt for food for there entire clan, sharing what they bring and doing what they can to prosper in underwater life. They also have medium and large underwater cities built around the planet. under the water and inside of caves and some of the towns have. The Eldrazial believe they were spawned from a massive underwater fish, also there goddess. According to the religious texts, the great fish spawned eel like beings into thew water before fading into the water itself. Over millions of years, the eels evolved slowly and begame the eldrazial that they are today

Technology level: galactic standard
General behavior: the eldrazial tend to keep to themselves in the underwater caverns. generally the species is quiet and peaceful. staying out of the way of most of the galaxies conflicts. However if they feel threatened or they decide they will take a side, they can become fierce and brutally violent underwater and land warriors. They act otherwise like a hunter gatherer society

History: The eldrazial 1st lived as small eel like creatures under the waters. soon the eel like things began to take shape, growing small appendages over time and shedding there smooth skin for scales. Over the course of 2 million years they evolved to where they are now.
Notable Player-Characters: none-1st creation. During the virus out break all air traffic in and out of there planet was halted. Ships were shot down if any landing was attempted and the eldrazial hid themselves underwater during the span of the virus to avoid being contaminated. anyone exibitibng signs was quarantined for 5 days. if they did not get better or got worse they were executed on the spot to avoid spreading the illness

Intent:That is like asking a human the plan for all humanity and the meaning of life. Right now the species is neutral. However during the course of Chaos that could change.
(OOC: the plan is to have my own character that i originally made. though i think i misunderstand what that part means. Also made is assumption my planet may be approved. if it is not but species is i will make appropriate changes to compensate )
 
[member="Sakon Xarabia"]
Thanks for choosing the Codex, my name is Cecily and I'll be helping you with your submission!

Before we begin, a very simple request is that you format the application to be a little bit easier to read. Right now it is very mushed together. I use THIS submission as an example of excellent formatting for reference.

Now, in general, I would like for you to GREATLY expand on their appearance. If you could provide a sketch or an image you think closely resembles them that would be most helpful. Otherwise there needs to be an incredibly detailed, well written description of this species. I should be able to completely visualize the creature with little trouble and right now I dont really get much.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Breathes: Oxygen
As they have gills I'm guessing they breath through those, but if so you need to indicate that. If they are amphibious you need to state the type of atmospheres they can breathe comfortably.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Strengths: Can breath underwater, Is an exceptionally fast swimmer, very athletic bodies by nature, Intelligent Weaknesses: Becomes much slower in intense heat, dislikes hot weather, electric shocks cause horrific pain
Can you organize these more into a bullet format please? Just makes it easier to distinguish the distinct strengths and weaknesses. Otherwise this seems to be an alright section, but I'd appreciate it if you dedicated a few sentences describing each strength. One note I have is that 'intelligence' isn't really a species strength and I'd either elaborate on or remove this part.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Estimated Population: single world so far but some report them on other water dominant worlds
I need a number here.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Diet: Fish, seaweed, crustation, fruits, meats (death sticks, wail not food, can be deadly to there health due to the chemicals )
I'm not clear what death sticks are, so please clarify here. I also think there are probably a few typos which I've highlighted above in red.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Culture: The eldrazial make there homes from the underwater rocks and caves of there planet. Often hunters and gatherers they hunt for food for there entire clan, sharing what they bring and doing what they can to prosper in underwater life. They also have medium and large underwater cities built around the planet. under the water and inside of caves and some of the towns have
This section along with general behavior and history really give us an idea of what makes the species unique to our forum. So we generally hope for much more expanded sections. Why don't you take some time to type up a few paragraphs discussing the following topics (as examples): art/literature, religion, government, and traditions for the species. You can add other things, but those are some great examples of what we look for.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Technology level: Modernized
Do you mean they are at the galactic standard of technology use? If so please specify that.



Sakon Xarabia said:
General behavior: the eldrazial tend to keep to themselves in the underwater caverns. generally the species is quiet and peaceful. staying out of the way of most of the galaxies conflicts. However if they feel threatened or they decide they will take a side, they can become fierce and brutally violent underwater and land warriors
As I said above, these sections really give us an idea of what the species is. I need this area to be GREATLY expanded upon. Their mating habits, rearing, familial structure, interaction with other species, etc are all good topics and I would highly suggest you pick a few and at least dedicate a few paragraphs to this section.



Sakon Xarabia said:
History: The eldrazial 1st lived as small eel like creatures under the waters. soon the eel like things began to take shape, growing small appendages over time and shedding there smooth skin for scales. Over the course of 2 million years they evolved to where they are now.
This is good reference material. I will say I've yet to see anyone describe the evolution of a species, but what this area really wants to know is the history of the species. Unless you are saying this species JUST grew up, in evolutionary terms, you need to discuss EVERYTHING that has happened to them. Even if it is in very abridged terms, have they had great wars, was there a women's rights movement, how did their cities get built and how long did it take? Think of this as writing the history for the human race, because you really are telling us the history of an entire species.

Expand greatly here.



Sakon Xarabia said:
Intent:That is like asking a human the plan for all humanity and the meaning of life. Right now the species is neutral. However during the course of Chaos that could change. (OOC: the plan is to have my own character that i originally made. though i think i misunderstand what that part means. Also made is assumption my planet may be approved. if it is not but species is i will make appropriate changes to compensate )
You dont need to distinguish between OOC and IC here, just say the OOC part. What we are asking here is what you intend to do with the species as a writer and what you hope it will bring to the site.

Overall, a good first submission, but I cant stress enough how much more detailed all of your sections need to be. Please dont hesitate to look at past approved submissions for a general idea of what you should be including and you can always ask me for further elaboration on my points. Also, in general you need to be careful of how you use there vs their as I noticed we ran into that mix up quite a few times. Not a biggy, everyone does it! Just be mindful of it.

Let me know how I can help and @mention me when you have made the appropriate changes.
 
[member="Sakon Xarabia"]
No problem, dear.

I'll be checking in every few days to see where you are on the progress until you are finished. @mention me when it is finished and I'll continue with the judging process!

If you have questions, feel free to contact me!
 
[member="Sakon Xarabia"]
Alright, so since you wont have time to get to this submission for a while, I am going to ahead and flag it for the archive.

When you feel like you have time to edit the submission, just contact a Role Play Judge or Administrator and have them move it back here.

Hope your situation improves, let me know if I can do anything else!

[member="Snowflake"] l [member="Lorelei Darke"]
 
[member="Cecily de Demici"]

what does that mean? archiving it? and i have been working bit by bit. i have most pretty good right nowe. as for death sticks, they are like LSD of the star wars world and it shortens the life of anyone using them
 
[member="Sakon Xarabia"]
Archiving it isn't a punishment by any means, it simply means we will place it in a separate forum until you feel like you are in a place that you can edit it.

You can have it moved back from the archive any time you want simply by PMing an RPJ or Admin.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom