Feedback on Sio's Clone

[Enyo Typhos]

Enyo is a character I've had for over a year, though I've only recently gotten the time to write her at length. As the thread title says, she's the clone of Siobhan Kerrigan, though the latter is still unaware of her existence.


Long story cut short, she was created by a group of organic-hating HRDs called Archangel as part of their attempt to harness Force-users and use them as weapons. Specifically to one day confront and fight Siobhan. She's been indoctrinated to serve them, bit like a child soldier, and thinks her template is a monster. Recently, she got a younger 'sister' called [member="Amara Zarides"], who's a clone of Siobhan's dead nemesis Kaelin Isandros, a very evil Sith.


She's a character I've at times have had difficulty writing and establishing a distinct personality for her, so I'd be interested in people's thoughts. Constructive criticism and all that is explicitly encouraged and desired.


Some threads that I think show her development well:

http://starwarsrp.net/topic/58542-the-birth-of-fire-madeline/
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/87653-trial-by-fire-maelion/
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/89707-in-a-world-where-the-kings-are-employers-first-order-dominion-of-thakwaa/
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/90732-what-secrets-do-you-hide/
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/91070-mirage-of-metal-maelion/
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/94044-by-the-pricking-of-my-thumbs/
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/93844-cats-on-fire/

 

[Verz Horak]

The way I would write the character, based on what you have told us about her, is as a person who thinks coldly and logically, like a machine. If she was created by Human Replica Droids who hate organics, why not try and "perfect" their pet organic and treat her as a living weapon.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

[member="Enyo Typhos"]
Enyo is a character I've written with since near the beginning.

The concept of Enyo is quite simple; a clone of Siobhan Kerrigan created to form a check to the battering ram. Manipulated by Archangel into believing that she was made by Siobhan to transfer her essence into, she is currently unaware that she is a pawn in Archangel's long game.
That's a solid concept, ripe for a lot of drama. Presumably it'll eventually come down to a battle between the two.

I have concerns about how this will eventually be played out. Since the same writer controls both characters that lends itself more to a novel than it does to an RPing community. Since I write other characters related there will obviously be a chance for me to take part, but the focus of the story is on this conflict, and it's a conflict between 2 characters of the same writer.

Since Enyo has been raised by droids and has had limited human contact she is rather subdued. As to this current point she has not been able to display much of an independent personality. I don't yet get a sense of how the clone is similar or different from the template. I strongly suggest some just basic 'fluff' threads where she socialises with other organic characters in order to develop a unique personality.

As it can be assumed that the clone has similar potential to the template it would be wise to develop a niche in the Force for her to use. Simply going TK like Siobhan isn't as interesting as finding something unique. Seeing as she's grown up with droids, something which can manipulate droids would be good.

I also suggest a long term plan for the character be in place. Eventually the end of the Sio/Enyo plotline will be reached. Have a plan for what you want to do. Not set in stone of course, but an idea so you can plan ahead.

I am concerned about this character staying with Archangel for much longer. Now she has Amara and is going on missions she will see through the deception even quicker. For her not to see would be bad for the character, but it also undermines the plot of her vs Sio if she sees it too early. My suggestion would be to have some form of subtle Archangel control like in the Agent story in The Old Republic. So that she doesn't even know she's being manipulated.

As always, the writing is great, you don't need me to go on about that.

 

[Lyth Meran]

i am truely sorry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbsEx6PkSJ8

 

[Matsu Xiangu]

She's a character I've at times have had difficulty writing and establishing a distinct personality for her, so I'd be interested in people's thoughts.

Coming in a month after this has been posted, I think its really interesting to see just how much Enyo has grown as a concept. In the beginning I might have agreed with you - you could feel that you hadn't quite found a niche with her yet, as we all struggle through when writing something new after such an established time with another character.

But I can confidently say that Enyo is very much her own character now. She has her own motivations and thoughts, and I can always feel how you've grown in to writing her when she's feeling something particularly devastating and it flows from the words. Despite writing with both Siobhan and Enyo with Matsu, I never - EVER - feel like I'm in a Siobhan thread for even a second. I think its a mark of your skill to be able to differentiate between two characters in the sense that they feel like different people, especially when they're genetically identical.

If I had anything to say, it would be to echo [member="Valiens Nantaris"]: have a plan in mind for where she goes when Archangel is out of the picture. Maybe that hollowness of all her revenge fantasies coming true is something you can work with. Maybe having nothing to hate anymore is the springboard for her own personal development. A loose secondary goal is a great thing to think about.

Please notice how I mentioned nothing about Siobhan being out of the picture, mostly because I can't handle it emotionally.

 

[Enyo Typhos]

[member="Valiens Nantaris"], [member="Matsu Xiangu"], [member="Verz Horak"]


Thanks for the reviews! Several very good ideas here.


Still got my issues with Enyo, but I'm more satisfied now. Honestly, almost dying in a turbolaser bombardment on Korriban City helped her character a lot.


Presently, she seems to be undergoing a process of dehumanisation. She probably has PTSD...but doesn't really have anyone to confide in. She has her sisters, Amara and Phaedra, but since in her own mind she's their caretaker, she cannot appear weak in front of them.


Everyone else she interacts with at length (e.g. Archangel, Matsu) has an agenda of some sort. Her interactions with Matsu are kinda sweet in a disturbing, creepy way. She's on the road of being consumed by desires for vengeance...but will discover how hollow it is. I guess writing her confrontation with Sio will be a bit awkward since both are my chars, but I believe I'll manage.


And I have some 'fun' ideas for experiments Archangel will perform on her to make her 'perfect' and 'free her from organic weaknesses'. They will be quite horrifying. Ultimately, Enyo will probably turn on Archangel, like Frankenstein's monster did on its creator. As for what happens afterwards? That's open.