Feedback on the Heavenshield!

[Thurion Heavenshield]

Never done one of these for a specific character before, so I figured what-the-heck!

I'd love to hear what everyone thinks of Thurion as a character. He's my very first and original creation here on Chaos when I joined back in September 2013, and has since been my main character. He started off as a small, terrified child when he was found by Jedi Knight Asha Seren who brought him to Tython where his training under her guidance began. He's sure come a long way since; rising to the rank of Jedi Master, falling in love with and marrying [member="Coci Heavenshield"], trying to balance being a leader and a family man...

So, I want to hear whatever you have to say about him, negative and positive! Do you find him boring, one-note or stereotypical? Is he too goody-two-shoes for your liking? Is he the kind of guy you'd wanna hang out with? Anything!

Shush, you! ​

 

[Julius Sedaire]

Needs moar tether-ball, right [member="Darth Carnifex"]?

I like it. A very down to earth sort and that is all too often lost with FU, particularly Jedi approaching any sort of 'Orthodoxy'. Even the lesser sort of it that the SJO maintains. Honestly? I'd love to thread with you more, but the SJO vibe doesn't fit what I tend to write, and you keep yourself hopping!

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

 

[Jsc]

Jay Loves:

• Authenticity. Character feels well developed.
• Writer Commitment. Stuck with him for years.
• Guy has heart. Feels more human than video game.
• Wrote a love story. Both brave and inspiring.
• Humility and imperfections. Wrote a struggle and earned a triumph.
• Not a tech junky. Skill over gizmo.

Jay Hates:

• Grandmaster Rank. Bleh.
• Hard to know what timeline he follows. Dem kids be old man.
• Took Coci off the market. Dream killer. No booty for Jay. Eternal sadness.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]
First of all, you are a good writer. Your posts are always well composed and written, and you put a lot of heart into the character.

However, since you want feedback and not platitudes, here's some things I've noticed. I've not read all your posts obviously, so this might be mistaken or based off outdated information.

• Thurion is a Lawful Good Paladin. That's nice, but I don't see much struggle from him on how to stay on the path. He seems a paragon of virtue and never seems to slip from that. Heroes are strong characters, but they need some balance because pure good or pure bad is just boring.
• He doesn't seem a very dynamic character. He reacts rather than anticipate actions. In cases where politics is involved he seems irresolute and appeasing.
• He seems to give more priority to family than other characters or leadership. I've noticed even in dominions etc he spends more time with family than branching out or leading the faction.

Hopefully you find this useful, and if you need any clarification please ask.

 

[Lynn Nantaris]

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

I think he needs to kill someone, someone important.

He has vowed to never kill and has done so as far as I can see he has done it. So the one thing to send him on his greatest struggle would be to kill. Now not just some easy kill, something with someone who he has a history with. Build up to it with a deep story where he has to fight against the inevitable kill, but realizes there is no other choice. Then comes the kill then comes what happens to him after.

Best part, the person your character kills doesn't have to die, merely make Thurion he is dead long enough to great the problem in him.

 

[Garza]

[member="Lynn Nantaris"], has the idea that could solve [member="Valiens Nantaris"] problem.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

Agreed. Great idea, [member="Lynn Nantaris"].

 

[Lynn Nantaris]

@Atheus@Valiens Nantaris

-lost-

 

[Garza]

[member="Valiens Nantaris"] said that Heavenshield here needs to have a more dynamic character and add to his story. You cannot be the perfect paragon of a Jedi without having tests of faith, and strength within yourself, and of your trust of allies. Thus, if he were to kill someone, or think he killed someone, then it would cause doubt within himself, and thus make him a more dynamic character.

[member="Lynn Nantaris"],

I always love playing the stories of the "Monster" who is trying to become "human" and to atone for his sins, or play the paragon who fights for everything he can, while also still feeling like he isn't doing enough for his people. IE, Atheus, and my alt [member="Xander Carrick"]. Why? Because it makes a story from the get go. And each reason for the person becoming better, or even becoming worse is different, and unique to the character. While there may be tropes used a lot during the path, its the ending that causes the major fun for me. I feel like Heavenshield needs something to test him. Sure his son Theo is working with a different empire, but because the two factions are getting all buddy buddy, its not like he has to fight him on the battlefield.

Now that I say that, I would LOVE to read that story take place. And thus make him feel as though he has to ask, is his son someone he saves, or is his son someone he stops?

Ideas ideas....

 

[Thurion Heavenshield]

Needs moar tether-ball, right Darth Carnifex?

Yeah... Sorry, I kinda dropped the ball on that one. I just got really lazy and then time happened. Once I got my stuff together to write it it was like a month later, so I didn't think it was really worth continuing at that point. <_<

Thanks for your feedback, though! I'd love a chance for our characters to meet again, I really enjoyed our talks before Kaine got jealous and interrupted us.

Hard to know what timeline he follows. Dem kids be old man.

All timelines are freeflowing, and writing a kid for several months can get rather tedious from time to time. Besides, no-one will ever beat [member="Sor-Jan Xantha"] at being the eternal child.

When Théo was born naturally [member="Coci Heavenshield"] wouldn't want to write a toddler for months before aging him, and same with him being a child and later a teenager. While those stages of life can be great fun to write, eventually most will want to make it across that final threshold into adulthood where they no longer need to worry about the character's age. Of course, Théo now being in his early twenties means we also had to age up Thurion and Coci to (sort of) match him, otherwise they'd all be around the same age by now.

Took Coci off the market. Dream killer. No booty for Jay. Eternal sadness.

Sorry-not-sorry?

He seems a paragon of virtue and never seems to slip from that.

Well yeah, he's a Jedi.

He reacts rather than anticipate actions. In cases where politics is involved he seems irresolute and appeasing.

Well yeah, he's a Jedi.

But yes, it's true: Thurion is a crap politician - I made him so purposefully. He doesn't think in the pragmatic ways a clever politician tends to. He usually only sees what's in front of him, and he'd much rather compromise until both parties are happy than enforce his own will.

I think he needs to kill someone, someone important.

I see your point in that maybe he doesn't have any real internal conflict going which can lead to some interesting character development, but here's the thing: Thurion is now in his fourties. All his inner turmoil happened in his youth leading up to him getting married and starting a family. When he lost his mentor and mother figure to [member="Darth Carnifex"] he was about 12 years old and this close to succumbing to his grief, but thankfully he had friends to console him and correct him on his path, and in the end he became stronger because of it. His very first struggle came in the form of losing his older brother Thyrian in a fire, but after decades the two were finally reunited and so he was able to put that stuff behind him as well.

Wouldn't it be more one-note if he were to keep struggling with the same emotional baggage every time? I think so.

Now as for the killing, I think him not wanting to kill anyone sets him apart from most on this entire board. In an entire galaxy filled with people who either want to kill other people or have no qualms about doing so, he has chosen not to. It's not about him being 'too good to kill', it has to do with his belief in people. He believes everyone deserves a second chance and is capable of redemption, even the most vile and despicable Sith. So when it comes to duels, for example, Thurion will always 'pull his punches', so to speak, because he'd rather just try and knock some sense into whoever he is fighting than outright kill them.

 

[Garza]

Still holding out for the father son fight...

 

[Lynn Nantaris]

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]

Life is never so simple, my friend. Life is a storm you can be basking in the sun one moment and shattered on the rocks the next. While marriage and children can bring a lot of joy, it can also bring a lot of pain. Once married you are now effected by your spouse's problems, your children's problems and even family friends.

While I do not doubt he has had his fair share of problems 7000 posts makes him a very large character. Problem I am seeing is people view him as perfect and flawless so I suggested a possible solution. He may be a Jedi, but he uses the Force and the Force is based on yin yang which is constant conflict.

Take Lynn, she avoids killing and even fears to kill someone. No only does she pull punches, she is usually afraid to make the punch. She is usually defending. She is currently young so I can get away with the perfect little innocent girl, but in my writings I am setting her up for conflict that will ether make or break her.

A character always struggles unless it is the end.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

[member="Thurion Heavenshield"]
OK, you asked for feedback, it's been delivered. What you do with it now is your choice.

 

[Preliat Mantis]

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we all miss this thurion​