Private Ghosts

[Nyla Ven]

There is no emotion, there is peace.

Nyla Ven felt the adrenaline rush through her body as she sidestepped the crimson blade of a shadow-cloaked Sith. This was fine. It was a natural, animal reaction to finding oneself in danger. And it was one among many that she had been trained to compensate for.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

Sidestep. Incoming blow to the head, rising hew, from the fourth quarter. Backstep with a simultaneous counter-cut - avoid the static block whenever possible. Focus on deflection and redirecting momentum. Their rage made the Sith strong, but it often left them sloppy.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

The Padawan's blood did not boil with rage and her heart did not pound with fear. A duel was nothing more than a grim and regrettably necessary game of dejarik, and in the midst of this battle she felt nothing stronger than the satisfaction of performing a well-executed maneuver against a challenging opponent.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

The duel became a dance, and Nyla was in the lead; the Sith had the advantage of strength, but the Jedi was quicker, calmer, thinking more clearly.

There is no death, there is the Force.

The dance continued until it didn't. Sooner or later, one of them had to break, had to misstep, had to leave themselves open. And when that happened, the Sith met their end with a quick, decisive thrust, as a beam of blue plasma bore a hole through their heart. Quick, clean, and as merciful as such a thing could hope to be.

As the holoprojectors died down and Nyla found herself once more alone in the Temple's training room, she just hoped she could maintain that level of decorum in a real fight.

It wasn't as though she'd never been in combat before, of course. Master Illani had taken her on missions before, and once or twice those had involved skirmishes with some Sith's Apprentice or other. But...

She closed her eyes. The scent of flesh, charring, as you hid in the shadows. The pleading screams that you tried to block out. The slickness of the blood beneath your feet as you ran away. Go on and play hero, girl. A part of you died on Jutrand, and you will carry its rotting corpse in your heart until that dies, too.

The padawan drifted, gradually, back to reality, and wiped away the tears building at the edges of her vision.

Things were different now. She had to be better.

That, she determined, trudging herself up the steps to the holoprojector's control panel, meant more training.

Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

NJO Temple

​

Outfit: Factory Link
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Nyla Ven

Valery let out a soft sigh and rolled her shoulders after she stepped out of her training room, physically a little exhausted from her usual routine of exercises, but mentally she had much more clarity after such a session. With the intensity of the ongoing war, the Padawans who needed training, and everything else that was happening in the Galaxy around her, it was increasingly more difficult to find moments like this. So she savored the feeling and readied herself to continue her normal day.

But as she started to walk down the hallway, she felt another presence in one of the other training rooms that got her to stop moving. The intensity of the training echoed out into the Force, but there was something else Valery could pick up on through her empathic skills — something she couldn't quite place yet but had piqued her curiosity enough.

Slowly and quietly, she opened the door and closed it behind her again, hoping it would keep her from disturbing the last few seconds of the Padawan's training. It was only when she finished, and Valery felt that tremor again as the younger woman wiped at her eyes, that she made herself known. "Apologies if I'm intruding," Valery said with a soft and calm tone of voice. "I was watching the last bit of your training — it looked good," she said with a gentle smile.

Valery then stepped away from the wall and bowed her head respectfully, "I also believe we haven't met before. I'm Master Noble."

 

[Nyla Ven]

Nyla, bleary-eyed even though she was, couldn't resist grinning. Master Noble had to be the most singularly Jedi name she'd heard in her life. The Padawan turned from the control station and bowed politely in return, hands clasped behind her back. When she spoke, her tone matched her expression; playful, light, and, to the right ear and eye, hiding something. "Thank you, Master Noble. I'm glad the last decade and a half of training seems to be paying off. I..." am a coward and a traitor. Her voice and grin both wavered as she trailed off, and she slowly rose to standing, her eyes closing.

Inhale. Count to four. Exhale. Acknowledge the pain. Accept its presence. Allow it to pass through you. Eyes open. Face the world again.

"Apologies, Master Noble. My name is Nyla Ven, and no, I don't think we've met. I'm rather new - to this Temple, I mean. I was a Padawan in the Enclave on Jutrand before -" Inhale. Count to four. Exhale. "Before the Sith took the planet. I think a handful of our initiates escaped. As did I, I suppose." Nothing more needed to be said; for an Enclave as isolated as hers had been, that was about the best outcome one could expect against the Sith.

The Padawan once more wiped away a few growing tears, her gaze locked to the ground. "Coping...has been difficult. But everyone here is very kind."

Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

NJO Temple

​

Outfit: Factory Link
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Nyla Ven

"It has certainly paid off," Valery said encouragingly before her head tilted slightly when the young woman's voice trailed off and Nyla seemed lost in her thoughts for a moment. It wasn't so much that part that stood out, but what she felt flowing through the Force at the same time definitely did. Having lost several Padawans and her husband at one point, she understood pain, trauma, and suffering as well as anybody who had endured the horrors of this war.

The echoes that disturbed the Force around Nyla felt awfully familiar because of it.

After Nyla had taken a moment to compose herself, Valery listened quietly and intently, her expression almost with motherly empathy. She cared a great deal about all Padawans, whether they were her own or not — it was simply in her protective nature, so to see Nyla like this was.... difficult. "There's nothing you need to apologize for, Nyla," she tried to assure her. "A long time ago, before I ended up in a long stasis, my Enclave was destroyed by the Sith as well."

She paused a moment and looked around briefly, taking note of the auras she felt, and the faint voices she could hear in the hallways. Nobody was listening in, but it didn't feel private enough.

"I know what it's like, and it's okay to struggle. We all do when we lose something close to us," she said, her tone making it clear she was speaking from experience. Valery then stepped forward and placed a gentle, comforting hand on the woman's shoulder, before she made a gesture with her head to follow her. "Would you maybe like to get some tea and talk somewhere? My quarters are big enough, and it's a little more private than these training halls."

 

[Nyla Ven]

Nyla tilted her head to the side while Valery spoke, not taking her eyes off the ground, and tensed very slightly and very briefly when the woman touched her shoulder. She didn't answer the question, not yet. The wound in her heart screamed for her to deny the Master's offer; it screamed that not only would Noble not understand what she had done, but that she did not deserve to be understood. She had no right to sympathy.

Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

Universal benevolence. Unconditional compassion. Denial of hatred, greed, and ignorance. Nyla was a Jedi. These were her guiding principles. Wallowing in self-loathing constituted hypocrisy at best and risked Darkening her connection to the Force at worst. It was her duty as a Jedi to prevent herself from become yet another emotionally unhinged butcher, crusading from one atrocity to the next in an increasingly desperate bid to distract herself from the gnawing emptiness in her soul.

The padawan was unsure if this was a particularly healthy train of thought. But it was a start.

Finally, after an agonizingly long moment, the young woman spoke, raising her head to meet the older Jedi's gaze, her voice quivering slightly. "I...tea would be nice, yes, Master Noble. Thank you."

Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

NJO Temple

​

Outfit: Factory Link
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Nyla Ven

After making the offer to get some tea together, there was a long moment of silence.

But when Nyla looked back up to meet Valery's fiery gaze, there was not even a faint shimmer of impatience in her eyes. She was met only with a warm smile that showed she genuinely cared, and so she was very happy to have the offer accepted as well. Even if they'd only end up discussing a few things without getting too deep into the details of her problems, it felt like an important step to take.

It was one she had needed as well a long time ago, when she went through some of the darkest days of her life, and again more recently when her husband was killed saving her life.

"Of course, right this way," Valery said before she glanced out through the open door, making sure there was nobody there who would walk up to her and disturb them. Normally, she wouldn't actively avoid other Jedi, but these were special circumstances. Luckily, it was a quiet day, so they were able to reach the elevator quietly, which she took up to the level with quarters for Knights and Masters.

Valery's, in particular, was quite big in terms of space, but still modest in decorations. "Take a seat on the couch and I'll be right there with some tea and cookies." She always had those lying around because Vera, her daughter, loved them so much. While she began preparing the tea, though, she looked over at Nyla again to get some conversation going. "You can tell me anything you'd like about what happened, but don't feel pressured, okay? I want to help, but I want you to be comfortable as well."

 

[Nyla Ven]

Nyla didn't speak much, at first, but she did nod her appreciation at every little kindness the Jedi Master offered her. The Padawan slinked over to the couch, and, very briefly, smiled. It was a lot comfier than anything in the dorms, at least.

Now came the painful part.

She had to do this. It would eat her up inside if she didn't tell anyone.

But by the Force, it was going to hurt.

"It was...a year, maybe a year and a half ago now, I think? I...lost track of time, for a while. You probably know all of the major details by now." The Padawan lifted one hand and turned it under her gaze as she spoke, her voice flat, almost monotone. "The Sith didn't hit Jutrand all at once. They moved in slow and quiet. As quiet as Sith can, anyway. They hit our holonet relays first, I think. So we couldn't call out for help. They did...something to collapse most of the hyperlanes out of the system, I'm still not sure what. I learned later that the blackout lifted three weeks after it started, but..."

Nyla stopped talking for a few seconds. She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her shins, locking her fingers together. She started rocking slightly, then slowly began to speak again.

"As soon as we figured out what was happening, we herded all of the younglings onto a pair of stealth ships. One of them - one of them we saw get shot down as it entered low orbit, but the other might have escaped." She knew that, in all likelihood, they hadn't. But she had - and so it wasn't impossible. It was nearly a lie, but one that kept her sane. "Master Illani - she was, she was my mentor, before - she died on the second day of the blackout. I can't remember what the reports say killed her. I don't want to. The next day, the Sith breached the Enclave. I'm...good at not being noticed, so I was running information from one end of the Enclave to the other before they got inside. I was the safest if I got caught alone."

Something snapped, and Nyla started sobbing. She turned her head down to hide bleary, bloodshot eyes, her body convulsing with every painful gasp for air.

"The other padawans, they, they, they," The young woman gulped, fighting back the urge to be sick, and took a few deep, rapid breaths before she could continue speaking. "They all died. The first Sith just, she just ran right past them. The next one - he walked right up to where they hid and and and he just - he was so cold. He wasn't even angry, he just, he just,"

Bile surged up from the Padawan's stomach, and she fought to keep it down. She shuddered, and kept rocking, nails digging into her flesh under the backs of her hands were peppered with bloody crescents.

"I was the oldest. I was the best fighter left. And I just watched! I hid! While my friends died!"

Hate rolled off the girl in waves, directed inward, as she broke down again, a mess of incoherent sobs and muffled screams, clutching herself so tightly she felt like she might snap into pieces. Maybe she would have welcomed that.

Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

NJO Temple

​

Outfit: Factory Link
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Lightsaber
Tag: Nyla Ven

By the time Nyla began to explain what happened to her Enclave and her fellow Jedi there, Valery had joined her on the couch and set down a cup of tea on the small table in front of her. There were some cookies as well, in case she wanted them, but the second Nyla pulled her knees against her chest, Valery figured that wouldn't be the case. The pain of loss was the worst kind anybody could go through, but only one thing could make it even worse.

Guilt.

It ran deep within the young woman, and the more she told Valery about what happened, the more intense it became. Those memories had been burned into her soul and would likely never leave her. They hadn't for Valery when she went through her most difficult times. Finally, the emotions and memories became too much, and she closed herself off while she began to cry. Valery's expression softened even more, and she gently reached out to wrap an arm around Nyla's shoulders to pull her closer for comfort. Not just through this gesture alone, but also through the warmth that flowed out into the Force from the Jedi Master.

"I was the oldest. I was the best fighter left. And I just watched! I hid! While my friends died!"​

Valery frowned and shifted her hand to take Nyla's, allowing her to squeeze or hold it however she wanted, "I'm so sorry about what happened, but do not blame yourself for their deaths. Nothing can be said to lessen this pain, but to blame yourself absolves those truly responsible of their crimes and evil," She looked Nyla in the eyes and gently rubbed along her back and the side of her shoulders.

"You didn't kill them, the Sith did." Valery knew that she would likely not see it that way now and that it would take time to accept what happened. But she felt it was important that it was said. She also understood no words could ever comfort the woman right now, so she just held her, and gave her the time she needed to get it all out.