Private Glow

[Ayhan]

Ayhan had long legs. Being tall, and frankly a little too gangly still had some benefits at least. One of those being that it made it far easier for him to catch up to the much smaller Lovalla. There was no calling after her, a dash to reach her. In the Firronthix's usual manner, one Zaiya might've now grown used to as they and Aris Noble and Mahsa all lived in the same dorm and spent far too much time around each other.

The customary silence from him that followed once he caught up was also just as usual. Well, perhaps not quite as usual. Normally, the silence from Ayhan was his having nothing to say, nothing to contribute. An all-consuming desire to be alone and left alone. Clearly, this wasn't quite the same, as he'd have not fallen into step with Zaiya at all, were that the case. No, instead, something hung in the air like a question. Or a feeling. Something Ayhan did not have the knowledge of how to ask. So he walked with her a little.

Then a little more.

Then: "You're not glowing as much tonight," he stated. An observation of sorts, which left him with some small amount of concern. That lack of blinding light was abnormal. Abnormalities made him uneasy. That was all it was, Ayhan told himself.

Zaiya Ceti

 

[Zaiya Ceti]

​

Outfit: x x x x x | Equipment: x x x x x | Weapons: x x x
Interacting with: Ayhan

"You're not glowing as much tonight,"

While the Force allowed Zaiya to feel the presence and alignment of others once they stepped into her sphere of awareness, her mind was so muddled and tumbling in her confused and depressed emotions that she didn't notice Ayhan until he spoke. He didn't give off ill intent, so the Force provided no alarming warning, just a nudge that the Lovalla teen barely recognized.

"Oh!" Zaiya's startled exclamation echoed along the beach. Her head instinctively tipped back to catch the tall, shadowy figure of the Firronthix's lanky form. Ayhan's unexpected presence sent a jolt of surprise through her, momentarily disrupting her mire of thoughts.

Her hair swayed, and there was a slight glow of surprise off her intricate patterns - muted but a slight luminescence just the same -- making her mottled spots across her face and bare arms and legs appear to be twinkling constellations against the backdrop of the cool night.

Embarrassed at the blunt observation, she immediately tinted those shimmering, glowing sections pink. Swinging her head towards the crashing waves, she chose the cool, salty breeze to calm the heat on her face.

"Sorry... you startled me." She began, trying to avoid the observation but aware that it wasn't something one would miss. Anytime she was depressed or sad, the saturation and vibrancy of her skin color would dull, causing a stark contrast to the brightly dyed hair she had. While the evening light would blend the hues to a more muted hue, even without the color shifting, she certainly seemed dejected.

"... and yeah, I do that. " she sighed, giving a heavy exhale as she continued walking. Better to answer than have Ayhan point something else out that she didn't want to respond to.

"My kind can't help but react to what we are feeling. Almost like Mahsa... just mine is all over." Zaiya added, biting her lower lip and unable to help herself give a glance back to the bonfire. She could see the flickering flames and two shadowy figures. So Mahsa and Aris were left behind? A slight tinge of a rare emotion tinted the edges of her mottled spots into a light green.

Zaiya swung her head forward again with another frustrated sigh and kept walking. Why did that irritate her?

"It's a way my kind communicate, so... consider me a walking holo billboard then." self-effacing jokes were great at distracting. She wasn't sure if Ayhan would fall for it. Still, he tended to keep his thoughts to himself, always with the same contemplative expression that made Zaiya wonder if he was doing mental training exercises or was constipated.

"Didn't you want to hang out at the bonfire?" She asked, deciding casual conversation was good. Not to mention, this was the first time Ayhan had initiated talking with her.

 

[Ayhan]

"Oh!" Zaiya had practically jumped when Ayhan finally spoke, apparently not having noticed him for the last few yards he'd kept pace at her side, before she stated the obvious. That glow of (what he presumed was) fright was the brightest color she'd exhibited in the last ten odd minutes. Ayhan might've been able to pass unnoticed when he really tried, but he was not that good. Lost in thought, perhaps.

T shades of pink (which Ayhan could not possibly guess at) did not shine as bright either. "... and yeah, I do that. " she'd added, and Ayhan had half a mind to ask if that was by choice, or just the way her species functioned. He didn't ask. Nor did he have to. Zaiya looked back and shone with a light drab green and explained her species was like Mahsa's in the manner with which color presented itself.

She let out a frustrated sigh that even Ayhan could recognize, given it was perhaps the only emotion he was actually capable of exhibiting. "It's a way my kind communicate, so... consider me a walking holo billboard then."

Ayhan had seen more than a few holo billboards since leaving the Cage. All in all...they were too bright for him. Not in the way that Zaiya's hues sometimes hurt his eyes, but in that they were distracting in an unpleasant way. And he understood the words and images plastered across those better than he did Zaiya's colors.

Those were...a mystery.

"A holo-photo," he said, likening her to one of those instead. She was like a holo-photo. "I understand billboards. I don't understand you. Or your people's way of communicating. But I know you're important. Holo-photos are always important to someone, even though I don't understand why." Ayhan had learned that lesson when he'd tackled a thief into what he later realized was some kind of in-home burial shrine. The holo-photo had broke then, and the widow who'd lived there had clutched the broken device to her chest and screamed and cried while he'd bound the thief's hands. Hera had tried to explain it later, but Ayhan still didn't quite understand.

"No," was his simple answer to Zaiya's question. She shouldn't have been surprised by that. What was maybe more surprising was the way he slowly looked back towards the fire, now fading into the distance. Sharp eyes made out the forms of Aris and Mahsa still, but his gaze lingered as if confirming she was still there, and hadn't drowned as soon as he'd left.

Zaiya Ceti

 

[Zaiya Ceti]

​

Outfit: x x x x x | Equipment: x x x x x | Weapons: x x x
Interacting with: Ayhan

Zaiya's skin, as always, reflected her emotions -- this time deepening into a shade of coral, signaling her embarrassment at Ayhan's blunt observation. The edges of the hue, however, shimmered with soft gold, showing that, while uncomfortable, she found the moment endearing rather than harsh. He didn't fully understand her or her people, but his mention of holo photos and their importance to Lovalla culture struck her as thoughtful.

Her surprise quickly followed, spreading in citrine ripples that glowed under the darkening night sky, her bioluminescence coming to life in an ethereal display.

"Wait, why not?" she asked, catching the way Ayhan kept glancing back at the bonfire. There was something else going on here, something he wasn't saying out loud. She'd noticed it the moment he saved Mahsa earlier. It wasn't just his protective actions -- there was something deeper there.

"I thought you wanted to check up on Mahsa after saving her from drowning," Zaiya continued, her voice curious, but gentle.

"I mean… you're still checking on her now." She tilted her head, pointing out the way he kept sneaking glances, hoping he'd open up more.

Ayhan might've been a person of few words, but Zaiya was nothing if not observant. And lately, she could sense things -- emotions, intentions -- that others didn't always express outright.

I mean, it seems like youu knew each other before becoming dormmates, right?" she asked, her voice light but probing.

"I'm kinda confused. Do you like her, or do you not like her? You seem to care, but then you get all gruff. You're hard to read, but that doesn't mean you aren't thinking about things, just more reserved. Aris can be like that too... well reserved, not gruff."

She flashed him a curious expression, the citrine glow of genuine interest swirling through her skin as she waited, hoping he'd give her something more to go on. Even if she felt glum about Aris freezing up when she hugged him, it wasn't his fault he felt like that. It would be the same thing with Ayhan as well she guessed.

 

[Ayhan]

This was a new combination to colors that Ayhan had yet to see. The pink wasn't entirely unusual, but Ayhan couldn't recall a time he'd seen Zaiya shimmer gold as she was now. It reminded him faintly of the setting sun's rays piercing through clouds. Only a handful of times had Ayhan actually been to a planet where the atmosphere wasn't so polluted as to allow such an everyday phenomena to occur, but they stuck out in his mind for their rarity.

The gold abruptly shifted to amber, as Ayhan looked towards the firelight, almost blocking out his sight entirely, his nictitating eyelids fluttering as they tried to compensate and protect his eyes. "Wait, why not?" Zaiya asked. Ayhan didn't answer right away, still looking back as he tried to decide on an appropriate response.
"I thought you wanted to check up on Mahsa after saving her from drowning." A low growl rumbled from deep in Ayhan's throat as he turned back to look at Zaiya, a warning sound that she was treading on thin ice.
Not that that deterred her from pressing on. "I mean… you're still checking on her now." The Firronthix let out a deep sigh. Caught red-handed, though he'd still deny it.
"I mean, it seems like you knew each other before becoming dormmates, right?" The deep frown returned, and still Ayhan refrained from answering. The cold was starting to set in, but the tunic and shirt in his hands was still warm from the fire. Ayhan busied himself with pulling his shirt on.

When he had his top on, Ayhan found Zaiya looking up at him, the question expressing itself through her eyes as much as her words. "It doesn't matter if I like her," Ayhan said sternly. "And I'm surprised Mahsa never told you. About the way we were raised." He bundled the tunic in his hand. "We were grown in a lab, like Aris was," Ayhan began to say, figuring that an explanation now would save him from more probing questions in the future. "Genetically engineered for war and assassinations. I think the Jedi said on the commission of some house of Sorenno." Not that that meant anything to Ayhan. "From the time we were released from our tanks, we were forced to fight, and kill, or die. That's if the genetic mutations and accelerated growth didn't get to us first." Oddly enough, this was might've been the calmest, least agitated Zaiya would have seen Ayhan thus far. "My people were released first. Once a day, we had to fight something new, or survive some new challenge. Rancor one day. A flood the next. That's how I learned how to swim.

"We were left to fend for ourselves the rest of the time. Had to hunt and forage and steal our food. If you had friends maybe you were better off or they might stab you in the back. I don't know if that's how it was for Mahsa and her people, but that's how it was for the Firronthix.

"The Kazels," Ayhan said, using the shortened form for Mahsa's species, "were released a couple years after my people were, based on what Mahsa told me. A couple years after that, we were all paired together. One Firronthix to one Kazellrian." Ayhan glanced back again, and Mahsa and Aris were gone. The muscles in Ayhan's back and shoulders visibly tensed before he looked away again. "We were given ranks," the skin on the inside of Ayhan's forearm, where the digits '07' were tattooed on his skin, began to itch. "And told the lowest ranking pair would be cut every week. We all knew what that meant. Glorii Te got through about ten pairs, and some others died during trials before the Jedi found us.

"So, I'll say it again, it doesn't matter if I like Mahsa or not. I did what I had to do to survive, and some habits just die hard. She has to learn how to fend for herself." His skin burned, the fire of needles piercing his skin echoing through his mind. Ayhan threw the tunic is his hand, the one with the tattoo, towards Zaiya. "You're gonna catch a cold."

Zaiya Ceti

 

[Zaiya Ceti]

​

Outfit: x x x x x | Equipment: x x x x x x | Weapons: x x x
Interacting with: Ayhan

There was a lot to take in. Zaiya tried to stay quiet, letting Ayhan's words settle, but the colors on her skin had a life of their own, reflecting her emotions. The mottled spots and stripes over her rosy golden skin pulsed and shifted, like waves crashing and receding, only to swirl back up again in ripples of burnished bronze.

Oh... oh.

They continued walking, the soft black sand shifting under Zaiya's feet, slowing her steps. She let the silence stretch for a moment, her thoughts turning over everything Ayhan had said.

"So... you both went through a lot together," Zaiya finally said, her voice quiet, as if the weight of his story was still settling over her. She couldn't imagine having to survive, let alone live like that. Her brow furrowed in thought, and a light breeze stirred her multicolored hair, sending a few strands whipping across her face. She lifted her hand to tuck them behind her ear, her mind still turning over the words.

"Circumstances like that," she continued, "you can't help but be concerned for each other. Probably more than the training partners we have here in the Order. You've been through more... together." Zaiya spoke slowly, as if trying to figure it out herself as much as for Ayhan's sake.

But then something struck her, a thought that made her glance up at Ayhan, her gaze searching.

"But... let's say we take away the habits. Take away the tendency to always look out for her because that's what you've had to do. At the end of the day, do you like her?"

The question hung in the air, her tone both curious and gentle. Zaiya knew how she felt about people, about the need to reach out, to connect. It wasn't just a habit or survival instinct -- it was something deeper. A desire to build something more, especially with Aris.

She tilted her head slightly, her skin shimmering with soft amber hues, reflecting her contemplation. "Because maybe now... it's not about survival anymore. Maybe you look out for her because you want to."

The words were a question, but also a reflection of what she'd been learning herself. Sometimes, connections ran deeper than circumstances -- they were a choice, a desire. Something more.

Ayhan tossed his tunic at her and Zaiya automatically caught it. She hadn't registered that he had his shirt off and was putting it on. Went to show the differences of awareness levels.

She gave a soft smile and added, "I'm a Dresh Lovalla... we can deal with really cold temperatures. Thank you though." A pause only to then add.

"I do that with Aris at times. I want to hold his hand. I want to hug him. I want to make sure he is safe and doesn't get hurt. That he eats all the yummy snacks... I care. I might show it more openly, sure... but that's just how I am. I know Aris isn't. He doesn't show it like I do, but he's told me so that he wants to make sure I'm okay. Maybe you are the same way too?"

 

[Ayhan]

The auroras painted themselves across Zaiya's skin, lights inescapable, even from Ayhan's periphery. She took a few moments to try and fully comprehend his story. Their story, as it was. It wasn't more than a hint of movement, but hypervigilant as he was, Ayhan did not miss the motion of Zaiya's hand move to took her hair behind her ear, protecting it from the blustering winds.

But still she asked the same question, that was not just unanswerable for Ayhan, but impossible to understand. "...Do you like her?" One of Ayhan's fingers scratched at the inside of his palm at the question, floating between them like a one way mirror. Zaiya on one side, looking through it seemingly crystal clear, Ayhan the other, seeing nothing but his own haggard reflection. "Because maybe now... it's not about survival anymore. Maybe you look out for her because you want to."

Ayhan didn't answer, not as she thanked him for the tunic, and explained her species were acquainted with the cold. "What would you do to make sure he doesn't get hurt, Zaiya?" Ayhan answered her questions with one of his own. "Would you take a blow for him? Be run through, or shot, or mauled? Would you die if it could protect him?" There was a hint of bitterness laced somewhere in his words. "Everything is about survival, Zaiya. Aris is a liability to your survival if you feel that way. Mahsa and I are liabilities to each other in completely different ways." His tongue had slipped there. "Its always about survival," he repeated. "And neither of us would live long if we liked each other in any form."

Zaiya Ceti

 

[Zaiya Ceti]

​

Outfit: x x x x x | Equipment: x x x x x x | Weapons: x x x
Interacting with: Ayhan

Zaiya slowed her steps, Ayhan's words weighing heavily on her mind as they echoed in her ears. His tone was bitter, laced with something darker that made her chest tighten. The questions he asked, though, gave her pause. She turned to face him, her head tilted slightly as she thought it over.

What would she do? That part was simple. She'd protect him, no question about it. Even if it meant getting hurt, even if it meant dying. She would never hesitate when it came to keeping someone safe, especially Aris. But when Ayhan labeled that desire as a liability, when he said Aris was a liability to her because of it, Zaiya's swirling colors stuttered and froze, like her emotions were caught in some sort of fission.

The soft glow around her seemed to ripple before cascading into a waterfall of vibrant colors. A wave of defensiveness welled up in her chest, and her skin shifted from a muted silver to a deep shade of rose gold that spread like fire across her mottled stripes.

"Aris isn't a liability," she said firmly, her voice unwavering. "He's my best friend. I care about him. I want to keep him safe, even if it means I might get hurt. Even if it means more than that. Why? Because I care."

She squared her shoulders, standing taller as she spoke. "But it's not just about Aris. I care about others, too. I don't want anyone to get hurt, and I'll do what I can to protect them. Just because I care about Aris more doesn't mean my survival is only about me. I know Aris wants to keep me safe, too. He doesn't want me to get hurt. So, isn't it just natural that survival becomes about doing things together? About keeping each other safe?"

Her skin shifted again, the red softening into shades of gold and bright amber, her emotions still swirling but now more steady. "So how are you and Mahsa liabilities to each other in completely different ways? It doesn't seem to be any different than it is with me or Aris."

Zaiya's opal eyes searched Ayhan's, determined but gentle. She didn't understand why Ayhan couldn't see it the way she did, but she hoped -- maybe -- he would.

 

[Ayhan]

There was a moment of quiet as Zaiya seemed to ponder Ayhan's words. She'd become so quiet, it took him a moment to realize she'd dropped back slightly, and the Firronthix looked back at the girl, waiting a moment for her to reach him before proceeding at her pace. She had her answer ready by then. It was hard to tell who between them was grasping at straws.

Aris (quiet emphatically) wasn't a liability. She cared about others. Survival is about others too, surviving together. Ayhan was half-way through scoff when Zaiya turned the questions back on him. It was Ayhan's turn to pause and think then.

He could've talked about how he'd spent more than a year with Mahsa before they'd come to the temple. How 'taking care of each other' had meant carrying around her deadweight until she'd finally managed to snap herself out of whatever had chained her down for weeks. Or how his tribe had abandoned his sibling when they'd gotten sick. How their sacrifices for their tribe had amounted to nothing.

Instead, Ayhan tapped his own chest. "This scar," he said, referring to the worst of his old wounds, a savage silver mark stretching from his right collar bone, down beneath the left side of his rib-cage. "I got this because when I first met Mahsa, she was a shell. Empty." The deep black of the night yawned above them. "She cared about someone once. And they died. And it destroyed her. And it almost destroyed me too."

Caring gives no quarter."

You care about Aris. If something happened to him, where would that leave the rest of us? You could crumble. And me and Mahsa might suffer because you're not there when we need you instead. Or the people you Jedi swear to serve. If something happened to you, maybe Aris would forgo his duties instead. Or maybe you save each other, but doom those around you instead. Or it could be the other way around." A thousand examples for why the kind of affection Zaiya was describing was a fool's errand. "There will always be a loser when you care about someone else. Especially as a Jedi." Was that not why the ancient Jedi forbade attachment?

"If I were to get close to Mahsa now, she'd lose everything," Ayhan finally answered the question that had started it all. His voice was barely a whisper. "She feels things more strongly than others, I think," pure supposition, of course, but of the people Ayhan was acquainted with, Mahsa had always seemed more emotional than others, rivaled perhaps only by Zaiya herself. "And ours is not a profession that promises long life-spans, Zaiya. Already if she lost you or Aris, it would send her into a spiral. I won't increase the chances of that happening. And I know it would, because I know I'd throw myself between her dumb ass and whatever the hell was about to kill her again." He'd began to rant, he realized. But the words were coming out faster than Ayhan could stop them, no matter how hard he tried. "And even if it we all manage to make it to be old and grey, I'd just end up dragging her down the whole way." Was that his voice cracking? "Look at me," Ayhan scoffed, "I'm a chit Jedi. I have no control of the Force, I'm not suited for any of this. I don't even know how a Jedi is supposed to act! I'm only here because I was promised three hot meals a day, a bed, and clothes on my back." Ayhan stopped walking as he finally admitted that fact, something he'd kept hidden since he'd left the Cage. "If I can only do one good thing in this rotten galaxy, it'll be staying as far away from Mahsa as possible. She cares about the Order. She cares about you, and Aris, and Master Jigora. She cares about what she does, and is good at it and even if it drives me up a blasted wall, I won't rob her of it. She's suffered enough for one lifetime."

Zaiya Ceti

 

[Zaiya Ceti]

​

Outfit: x x x x x | Equipment: x x x x x x | Weapons: x x x
Interacting with: Ayhan

Zaiya stood still, her gaze fixed on Ayhan as he spoke. It was probably the longest she had ever heard him talk, and that alone made her realize how much this meant to him. He had so many layers to his thoughts, especially about Mahsa and everything they had endured to survive. His words felt heavy, like they'd been building up for a long time.

Her eyes drifted to the scar he pointed out, and a wave of warm, empathetic bronze shimmered across her skin. Mahsa had lost someone she cared about deeply, and it had changed her forever. Zaiya could understand that kind of pain. She'd felt it too -- the moment her connection to her parents had been severed, their deaths leaving her alone, cut off from her community. It had been like falling into a void, a dark, endless pit of isolation. She'd been lost, unsure how to bond with others again, too anxious about making people uncomfortable to even try.

Swallowing hard, Zaiya tried to see things from Ayhan's perspective, biting at her lower lip, gnawing at the soft pink flesh in growing anxious worry. What would she do if something happened to Aris? Honestly, she didn't know. He wasn't her mate, not in that way, but the thought of losing him… it made her heart twist painfully. They didn't have that kind of bond yet, the kind that would shatter her completely, but she knew she'd feel it. She'd be affected by it, no question. She cared for him more deeply than she cared to admit sometimes, but how she'd react? That was still a mystery.

Taking a steadying breath, Zaiya finally spoke, her voice quiet but firm. "I don't know how I'd react if something happened to Aris. I really don't. But… thinking about all the 'what ifs' and 'might happens' only makes me spiral. I get nervous, anxious, and overthink until i'll make myself sick... and.. and it's something I'm trying to get better at."

She inhaled deeply, letting the cool, salty air fill her lungs, grounding herself.

"But look at Master Valery Noble and Master Kahlil Noble ," she continued, her voice growing more confident. "They're married, they have kids, and they're both in leadership positions. They clearly love each other, but do you think they see each other as liabilities? Do you think if something happened to one of them, it would stop them from doing what they need to do as Jedi?"

She let the question hang in the air, giving Ayhan time to think about it.

"If they can do it," Zaiya added softly, her gaze meeting his, "doesn't that mean we can too?"