Hole in My Soul

[Kay-Larr]

[video]https://youtu.be/mP5id4xlWnQ[/video]​

Weeks after visiting Kay on Altiria, [member="Veiere Arenais"] would find a private message waiting for him when he was able to have a chance to look. Once opened he would see a holo image of her, dressed in all black in what appears to be the cabin of a ship. Had she been crying? Or drinking? Or both? Either way, she didn't look well.

"Veiere. Politics has found me again. Even here on this backwater planet. No one is trying to get me to lead, but they are...using me. I'll never rid myself of it, will I? Just as I can't rid myself of the lives taken and the harms that I have caused, both indirectly and not." She looked down for a moment, clearly deep in thought before her head would rise again. "I'm putting an end to it. Now and forever. I can't tell you why or how for I know that you'll not approve. Your Silvers won't approve. My niece won't approve. No one will. This'll be my last mission, for I am certain that I will not survive it. Not where I'll be going, at least. Phase One is underway. Phase Two will begin soon. And Phase Three is where it'll end. I have a message pre-recorded for you that'll give you some instructions should things get out of hand."

Another pause, this time longer as she fought back her emotions, at times looking to the ceiling of the room and rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm not well, Veiere. You know it. I know you know it. And in turn we are not well. Despite our Force Bond there's been little connection between us, there's been no hint of affection. I don't blame you for it. That falls solely on me. I always had the best of intentions, but instead I've become a failure. While you rise above, I fall further down and shame not only you, but our children as well. So in light of all of that, I am now releasing you from our marriage. Our Force Bond will be broken soon enough, during Phase Three. I have to let you go. For your sake and our children. None of you will understand or even be thankful for what I am doing. But it'll be for the greater good. Trust me. And being divorced will only...help you. You won't be shamed by my actions, for I will no longer be your responsibility."
She folded her hands on top of the table that she was recording from and stared at them while she continued. "I have not touched the Arenais finances since I was taken from Commenor to Purgatory. They did not fund the tea company nor did they fund what is to come. I hope that brings you some peace of mind in all of this. If I had the power I would go back decades and change everythimg. I always thought that when my enemies deemed me as a failure, they had meant that I was a failure towards them. But now I know differently. I have failed in every aspect of my life. I have failed you, the twins and everyone that ever worked for me. I deserve my fate and I won't run this time. I won't fight. I will welcome it with open arms for at least the pain will end. And I will be bringing others down with me...Other than that, I don't quite know what else to say except...I'm sorry...." Her eyes flicked up as her hand reached for the recording device. "...and goodbye."

Kay's image disappeared as the clip ended.

 

[WolfMortum]

Veiere Arenais was sat at the desk of a private office on the upper floor of the Silver Jedi Archives, typing away a debriefing following a recent assignment that he and [member="Jerek Zenduu"] had been on, when a notification sounded from his Datapad beside the terminal he was using. Never a dull moment for someone of his position and numerous responsibilities, the quiet chime caused his brows to furrow and interrupted the line of thought that he had been mid-way through completing for his peers in the Assembly to review.

Even days like this one, where one would think that being seated in front of a terminal doing administrative work would be somewhat calming, there was always something to keep Veiere from doing the smaller things that he enjoyed, or taking some time out for himself. None the less, he figured the message would be a harmless and quick read, something he could browse over before getting back to his report.

It was nothing of the sort...

Veiere. Politics has found me again. Even here on this backwater planet. No one is trying to get me to lead, but they are...using me. I'll never rid myself of it, will I? Just as I can't rid myself of the lives taken and the harms that I have caused, both indirectly and not.

I'm putting an end to it. Now and forever. I can't tell you why or how for I know that you'll not approve. Your Silvers won't approve. My niece won't approve. No one will. This'll be my last mission, for I am certain that I will not survive it. Not where I'll be going, at least. Phase One is underway. Phase Two will begin soon. And Phase Three is where it'll end. I have a message pre-recorded for you that'll give you some instructions should things get out of hand.

I'm not well, Veiere. You know it. I know you know it. And in turn we are not well. Despite our Force Bond there's been little connection between us, there's been no hint of affection. I don't blame you for it. That falls solely on me. I always had the best of intentions, but instead I've become a failure. While you rise above, I fall further down and shame not only you, but our children as well. So in light of all of that, I am now releasing you from our marriage. Our Force Bond will be broken soon enough, during Phase Three. I have to let you go. For your sake and our children. None of you will understand or even be thankful for what I am doing. But it'll be for the greater good. Trust me. And being divorced will only...help you. You won't be shamed by my actions, for I will no longer be your responsibility.

I have not touched the Arenais finances since I was taken from Commenor to Purgatory. They did not fund the tea company nor did they fund what is to come. I hope that brings you some peace of mind in all of this. If I had the power I would go back decades and change everything. I always thought that when my enemies deemed me as a failure, they had meant that I was a failure towards them. But now I know differently. I have failed in every aspect of my life. I have failed you, the twins and everyone that ever worked for me. I deserve my fate and I won't run this time. I won't fight. I will welcome it with open arms for at least the pain will end. And I will be bringing others down with me...Other than that, I don't quite know what else to say except...I'm sorry....

...and goodbye.

The message was from [member="Kay Arenais"].

Veiere had managed to find her once again, hiding away on some backwater planet as he had called it, doing her best to avoid any connections to the former life she had lived and settling for a career as a tea saleswoman. She had always loved the drink, and at first glance she had been doing rather well for herself. Yet talking to her the last they had met, it was all too clear how damaged her mental state had become...

He hadn't wished to leave her there, yet she refused to come with him. There had been no ominous presence surrounding her like the days where she had been under Prazutis' influence. Kay had managed to convince herself that she was being accompanied by an old rival, though it was in her head and she otherwise seemed not to be in any danger or immediate risk to herself at the time.

What had she gotten herself into, since he had returned to Kashyyyk? Veiere knew the state of their marriage, knew that there was little left to resemble a family the likes of which they had once had on Commenor yet he had loved her too much to see this as any fault of her own. They both had their differing roles in the Galaxy and she had always known his to be with the Jedi. He had asked her to come with him numerous times, but she had expressed a difference of opinion each time and her connections to the Mandalorian's had kept her at odds with the Silver Order, if only in her mind more so than anyone elses.

Kay,

What's happened since we last spoke?

What have you gotten yourself caught up in. If you're in trouble, the Silver Jedi can offer you protection. I can help you, but you have to trust me and allow me to do so. Kashyyyk is a peaceful world, green like Commenor was.

The Kid's miss you, and no mater what happens, they always will. You don't have to go through anything alone. Tell me where you are and I'll find you.

 

[Kay-Larr]

It wasn't until the ship that she was in had stopped for fuel on it's long journey that the message from [member="Veiere Arenais"] had arrived. Kay read through it over and over again. Ever the valiant hero. She rubbed at her temples once she had started to hear Lord Mayhem's laughter start up again. "...Go...away...."

And it did. After a few minutes. There was a time and place for Mayhem to appear, but now wasn't it. Kay laughed a little herself when she re-read the message again, most especially about the part of the Silvers giving her their protection. Veiere just didn't understand. Trouble wasn't coming at her. This time she was the cause of it. And rightfully so. It was the Anarrisians that gave her the final push towards it.

Quickly Kay typed up a response, chosing to go through that route instead of video this time around.

Veiere,

Politics had found me again. The planet that I chose for my home was not as free of it as I had hoped.
Once Phase two begins, you and the Silver Jedi won't be offering up protection as much as you'd be wanting to send me back to Purgatory. I can't tell you what I'm up to. But you'll know soon enough.

And as for the twins? I find that hard to believe, esoecially with Caedyn. When last I saw him, he could barely contain his resentment once he had seen that I had bought an apartment on the same station that he had. He'll only resent me further in the future.

I am beyond help, Veiere. Perhaps I always was and we were only fooling ourselves in thinking otherwise. You'll hate me in the end. But do not blame yourself. This falls entirely on me. I'll try to minimize the damage as much as possible, but I cannot be 100% certain of what will happen.

Take care of yourself. And take care of them. The Galaxy needs you, and so do they.

 

[WolfMortum]

Veiere,

Politics had found me again. The planet that I chose for my home was not as free of it as I had hoped.
Once Phase two begins, you and the Silver Jedi won't be offering up protection as much as you'd be wanting to send me back to Purgatory. I can't tell you what I'm up to. But you'll know soon enough.

And as for the twins? I find that hard to believe, especially with Caedyn. When last I saw him, he could barely contain his resentment once he had seen that I had bought an apartment on the same station that he had. He'll only resent me further in the future.

I am beyond help, Veiere. Perhaps I always was and we were only fooling ourselves in thinking otherwise. You'll hate me in the end. But do not blame yourself. This falls entirely on me. I'll try to minimize the damage as much as possible, but I cannot be 100% certain of what will happen.

Take care of yourself. And take care of them. The Galaxy needs you, and so do they.

Veiere read the reply and yet found no further certainty nor relief to his confusion than he had the previous message. Purgatory. Resented by Caedyn. Veiere eventually hating her? It sounded as though [member="Kay Arenais"] had already surrendered herself to a fate that hadn't yet been set in stone. Phase one and two? What in seven hell's were they supposed to be. Veiere's head dropped, his right hand brushing his fingers up through his fringe and resigning to rest there, palm keeping his head propped up and from falling against the desk he was sat at.

Kay,

You give me too much credit, and too little, yourself. I don't know what you're planning, but nothing is ever black and white, and there are always better options than resigning yourself to a cause that sounds as self-destructive as yours. Forget about the Sith, the Jedi, Mandalorians or Politics...-None of that matters as long as it comes down to sustaining and caring for your life, first and foremost.

Our Children were angry, it will pass. I've been there with the incident on Deneba. We make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones but we can always seek to atone. To redeem ourselves, whether or not we actually succeed, the point is in trying.

Tell me what you're planning, and how to find you.

Let me help you.

This wasn't exactly the sort of conversation that his Wife would find Veiere being content to simply resign and let be. As long as their line of communication remained open, he intended on pursuing this until she finally gave in and accepted his help. Or otherwise ignored him, or denied any further contact, but Veiere had to remain hopeful...

 

[Kay-Larr]

Kay closed her eyes after reading the message that [member="Veiere Arenais"] had sent. A part of her wanted to tell him everything, not only what she was going to do, but of everything that had happened to her upon her capture. Yet she held back of course. She had to. There wasn't enough hours in the day to pour her heart out.

So what to tell him? She couldn't just reveal her entire plan. Veiere would only try to stop it or try to convince her not to do it. But she had to go through with it. Her enemies deserved to be punished.

Kay wrote up her reply:

Veiere,

I've been selfish for too long. Now my life is no longer held above others. If I must sacrifice for the greater good, then I will. You'd do the same.

All that I can tell you right now is that I'm going to get some supplies for my teas, like reeksa root. That's not exactly something found in a local market. I'm not alone. I have hired help and transportation. I may come back with a few scratches, but otherwise I should be fine.

Once some of the teas are produced I'll send some to you. You might need them.

 

[WolfMortum]

You might need them.

Why did that sound threatening in way. Veiere frowned as he stared down at the screen reading over [member="Kay Arenais"] response. Distancing herself from him, ending their marriage via a holonet message wasn't exactly the greatest boost to his morale. It was true that they barely resembled the common depiction of a husband and wife in these days, yet they had always remained true to one another despite the distance between them and the paths they had both chosen to walk in life. Being released from a binding contract, that's how Kay made it sound, as though she were doing him a favor at the end of the day but despite the light-years between them and all that had happened, Veiere still loved her; and her alone.

Kay,

If there's a way that I can help you, you know that I won't stop until you're safe...-But if you're planning to work against Galactic Law then I'm going to be bound by my position and oath as a Jedi. Like you, I've crossed the line in the past, and I narrowly made my way back to be able to serve the Galaxy under the Order once more. The sins of my past mean I can't afford to blur the lines any longer, I have to maintain my moral standing both professionally and personally.

No more half methods. I can't afford to be standing on the fence where it comes to keeping order.

There's still hope for you however, you can come back from everything that's happened. I'm proof of this. I didn't believe it would be possible for myself to come back from the actions I took on Deneba. I'll never rid myself of those demons, but I'll never fall like that again. I can still help you step back into the light, overcome your past...-All you have to do is reach out, trust and accept my help Kay.

 

[Kay-Larr]

Kay held her head in her hands, elbows propped up on the desk as she read over the latest message from [member="Veiere Arenais"] . Ever the valiant knight, ever a near perfect Jedi. Despite his past he had risen so high, yet for her she felt as though all hope was lost to her. It had been beaten, tortured and manipulated from her. The only part of herself that she could recognize was the part that was addicted to tea.

So how to respond? He was fishing for information still, and trying to convince her to let him help her. But at what cost? Kay believed that she'd only be living in seclusion anyways, spending her days pining for a visit from her husband while she recovers from her trauma. How horrible would that be? At least on Altiria she had her business to keep her occupied. The Jedi wouldn't be too pleased about some of her items, however.

Veiere,

You do the Jedi proud and I expect nothing less from you. I'm not going to ask for any favours or special treatment and what I will be doing could be considered unlawful in certain jurisdictions. But I am working on precautions to alleviate harm to innocents.

The Sith that have hurt me deserve to be hurt right back and that's what I'm going to do. And given that one of them is among your allies, I don't want you to be stuck in the middle of it.

Oh Veiere, how I've longed to be held safe by you once more, but that just isn't meant to be. Duty calls to you above all else while I wasn't even supposed to live. I don't expect to survive going after my enemies, but at least this time ...I didn't just wait for them to take me.

Once I get what I need and properly produce the new products, I'll be shipping some to you from my warehouse. It's all just a precaution of course, but I know that you'll be the one that I can trust with it.

The light doesn't like me Veiere. It abandoned me like so many others did. But I won't be pitting my revenge on it. Only on the Sith that have helped to ruin my life will be made to suffer.

 

[WolfMortum]

Veiere,

You do the Jedi proud and I expect nothing less from you. I'm not going to ask for any favours or special treatment and what I will be doing could be considered unlawful in certain jurisdictions. But I am working on precautions to alleviate harm to innocents.

The Sith that have hurt me deserve to be hurt right back and that's what I'm going to do. And given that one of them is among your allies, I don't want you to be stuck in the middle of it.

Oh Veiere, how I've longed to be held safe by you once more, but that just isn't meant to be. Duty calls to you above all else while I wasn't even supposed to live. I don't expect to survive going after my enemies, but at least this time ...I didn't just wait for them to take me.

Once I get what I need and properly produce the new products, I'll be shipping some to you from my warehouse. It's all just a precaution of course, but I know that you'll be the one that I can trust with it.

The light doesn't like me Veiere. It abandoned me like so many others did. But I won't be pitting my revenge on it. Only on the Sith that have helped to ruin my life will be made to suffer.

Reading over her response, Veiere didn't feel any better than he had following the last message he had received from her. Correspondence via the Holonet was as frustrating as it was easy to misunderstand, the lack of a voice to elaborate context in the words being passed back and fourth between the two of them made it all the more impersonal despite the subject of which they were gradually returning one another over the course of the day. Veiere had fortunately had something of a quiet day in which he was focusing on reports and administrative works for the Assembly when her first message had arrived, and now it must have been a couple hours since. Regardless of the time in which they would reply to one another and subsequently receive each others messages, the tone of the discussion hadn't turned any better to his liking. Kay was adamant about this path that she had chosen, determined that she was doing the best thing that she could for him.

It was difficult to imagine what a future without her would look like. [member="Kay Arenais"] had become a part of his identity since their marriage, perhaps even before this; Veiere had been able to look inward and see a married man with a loving wife and children whom they both adored. As busy as the Order of the Silver Jedi might keep him, it was only by her choice that it meant they were so distanced from another, yet a life on Kashyyyk or nearby wasn't a life that she wished to live and despite trying and trying to convince her that hope remained and that the Jedi could offer her sanctuary, could protect her from the Sith Empire, Kay refused to chance any of it.


It was frustrating, but there was only so many times a man could offer help, simply to be denied the chance. She was forcing Veiere to recall upon an old teaching in that the Jedi weren't to force another against their will, no matter how small the gesture or significance of intention. The short response that he would return her, felt definitive. Conclusive and representative of his resignation in the fact that he had lost her well and truly now.

I understand.

You know where to find me, Kay.

I hope that one day you will allow the Force to guide you, instead of your fears.

Look after yourself out there, at the very least for the sake of our Children.

Veiere Arenais.

 

[Kay-Larr]

Kay reached out and touched the message with her fingertips, holding them there as if on some way she was reaching out and touching [member="Veiere Arenais"] . The finality of it had been reached.

He was free of her.

Tears fell on the datapad, splashing droplets onto the screen. "I will always love you...Always." Some day soon he would come to fully understand her motives. She wasn't well and this was the best way that she knew how to handle it.

Kay shut off the datapad and then fetched a bottle ale. She took a swig of it before climbing into the bed in the ship's quarters and wrapping herself up in the blankets while having herself propped up on the pillows. She wasn't going to sleep yet. She had sorrows to drown. Isn't that what people do when they get divorced? Right now she just wanted to be numb from it all.

Part of what Veiere had said echoed in her mind. Was she really being guided by fear? Kay wasn't afraid. It was why she was going on the offensive this time. She had just lost all hope for herself, among everything else.

No one knew that she was captured. No one had helped her to escape, nor sought her at all, presuming that she had been assassinated like those of her government.

It was a horrible reality to face.

Her time was ticking, so she knew it wouldn't last.