Private Hope and Reason

[Kahne Porte]

Naboo
Porte Homestead
0800
Tags: Michael Angellus

Things were rather calm and serene on the front this morning. Members of Shiraya's Hope were conducting security checks around the facility. Kahne was forced to amp up security here a bit after a member of the Dark Exchange was found scouting the area. They interrogated him and gathered what information they could from him. Countless attempt to sway him from his path to no avail. Kahne himself was forced to rout out Justice on that day. He could have easily left him for Royal Naboo Custody, but the risk was too great. Naboo's safety and his families was paramount.

The Jedi Master had arranged for transport from Theed to this location for Michael. He sent word to him that he would be picked up and brought this way. To meet at the location designated if he wished to continue. Kahne took a deep breath, breathing in the nice cool air. Exhaling slowly, today was going to be a trying day.

Trying, but indeed necessary. Michael had much to learn about, much to be taught and guided. Away from the distractions that the city offered. Kahne felt it would be better for him. He had even arranged for him to stay in the spare bedroom of their home if he needed it.

The Jedi Master waited, patiently for Michael to arrive.

 

[Michael Angellus]

​

Journal Entry: .

Not sure why I am on this transport, but I am. Not sure why I haven’t just gone home yet, but I haven’t. So here we are. I am sitting here, alone on a transport with “eyes” on me as I ride it to Master Porte’s house. I guess I’m being put here because I’m not good enough to be around the others.

I’m not even sure that I care anymore.

“BRED” is following in the X-wing. My clothes and crap are in there, so I’m not bound, I can just go if I want to. I won’t though, Mom and Dad raised me better than that. Dad taught me to have a thick skin, but there is only so much of this I can take. I mean, I’ve seen what they do in Military Academies, how they break you down mentally and then build you up their way. The Jedi? HA! They just give you “eyes” and judge you, all the while trying to make it look like you are the one with the problem.

I’m going to give this one more chance though. I wasn’t planning on it, I was just going to leave until I talked to Rojuhr again.

So, you’re quitting?

More like I’m being forced out, no pun intended.

Explain.

All the lectures, all of the eyes on me… they’re expecting me to know things I don’t yet.

So, that’s their fault? That you’re not keeping up?

I’ll admit, I’ll “take breaks”, but not like I used to. I’m talking about three separate events I was expected to be at. I barely survived. This one? We were supposed to run this obstacle course… that could kill us... and I was freaking out. The only thing that kept me alive was knowing this little kid was trying to kill me…

LaughingYou’re afraid of a little kid?

Dude! She’s only 12, but she’s already been in the military!

A 12 year old in the military?

She looks 8! I think she is an “Arsenian”? I think that is what they are called.

realizing Ohhhh okay, Arsenians, yeah. Anyway, she kept you alive?

Yeah, I freaked out when I saw her and bolted. It got me through the obstacle course just keeping away from her.

laughing I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, but that had to be the funniest scene to view out of context…

Oh “Ha” “Ha”.

Okay, so you made it through because of an Arsenian…

Well… that and it was like the Caridan Academy’s obstacle course… without the potential death…

Okay? So, what else did you squeak through.

Well, this one witch… Dathomiri, I think but a good one… I guess… I don’t know… She was messing with our heads and telling us to get through it..

Focus training, I get it, yeah. So how did you fail there?

... yeah, focus… I focused… I didn’t fail.

Alright then, what else?

Alright, this guy, one of the Knights, he had girls throwing knives at me…

”Knives”?

Well… to be fair they were “wooden”, but still…

You freaked about wooden knives?

He wanted me to stop them in mid air…
Well, obviously you’re not hurt, did you?

Yeah.

So, what’s the problem you’re having?

They’re expecting me to act a certain way, to be a certain way when I don’t know what that is. I am getting lectured on it all the time and no one tells me what they want me to do. The other day, Master Porte wanted me to tell him what was wrong with me, I don’t even know! I don’t even know what to look for. He never trained me on anything! In the military…

Let me stop you right there. You’re not in the military…

but...

... hear me out. They’re the Jedi. You’re working from square one. In fact you’re behind many because some of these, what are you called? “Bratawans”?

”Padawans”!

LaughingSome of them have been learning their entire lives. You’re not only learning at the age level you’re at, but you’re cramming all of those years in too. Kid, you have natural, AMAZING instincts, it's in your blood and coming out already. I'm not saying "you're going to be fine" just for the sake of it, but these instincts are getting you through things other kids your age would run from. You'rejust like your Dad in that..

Man, that hit hard...

... but… Uncle Caltin… Cousin Connel?

What do they have to do with this? This is about you. You have a choice. You’re clearly taking a “military” approach to trying to be a Jedi, and doing a pretty darn good job of it from my end, but you’re also being whiny, and you’re not whiny. So you can swallow your pride, be willing to learn and take your lumps as they come… or you can walk away.

Walk away?

Michael, you’re not done grieving the loss of your Dad. No one who cared about him is.

Then why was I sent away?

BECAUSE THIS IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY, YOU YAKHEAD! You deserve the opportunity to do this, and you can still, from the looks of it. Or you can quit.

I’m not sure that I can “quit”.

Even Jedi can quit. Kid, you are 16 and have been through more than most people three times your age. This would have hit anyone hard.

I think I get your point…

I’m not making any, I’m just being honest.

Thank you, Rojuhr.

Never a worry.

Yeah, he gave me a talking to that I think I needed. Not entirely sure all is cool, but we’ll see. When the transport landed, I just got up and waited by the ramp. There he was, standing there with those glaring eyes. I’m not going to disrespect my Mom and Dad, Rojuhr, not even Cousin Connel or Uncle Caltin. I’m going to give this a try.

I have to.

So as I walked down the steps, I just felt more and more reluctant to do this, but determined to get past it.

Hello. I’ll try not to embarrass you anymore.

Kahne Porte

 

[Kahne Porte]

Hello. I’ll try not to embarrass you anymore.

This kid.....

Kahne shook his head and chuckled lightly. He let out a small sigh and beckoned him forward. "Walk with me." The Jedi Master spoke as they walked down the pathway.

"You need to stop worrying about what you think everyone thinks of you and just start thinking about you." The Jedi Master spoke with a stern voice as he looked over to him. "Trust me kid, you are not strong enough to read anyone's thoughts. You misinterpret their words, yes" The Jedi Master cleared his throat before continuing onward.

"The more you dwell on such things, doubt will continue to talk hold and crush you completely." Kahne indicated as he placed his hands together as if he was crushing an invisible item with this hands. His hand motions aiding him in getting the point across.

"I will help you understand the ways of the force. What it does, how it is within each and everyone one us. Residing in all living things, it gives us our strength and in doing so we can help others. Peace, is considered the most noblest of aspirations. You cannot get their without trust, truth, and most of all hope. Hope is what I believe to be the strongest of things."

"Are you with me so far?" Kahne inquired, if he had any questions.

Michael Angellus

 

[Michael Angellus]

​

Journal Entry: .

Okay. This Entry is going to be a rough one, so I apologize ahead of time.

I have been the FIRST PERSON to point out that I am not well trained in the Force! ME! I don’t assume to know ANYTHING! Even doing THIS, I AM WRONG? No! No, I am not standing for this anymore.

Why did I start my Journal, MY PRIVATE JOURNAL, like this? I did so, because when I tried to reach out, I tried to be open about my misgivings and wanted to give this a fresh start? THAT WAS WRONG!

So, Master Porte just scoffed at my greeting, and then proceeded to tell me off mid-walk. He made sure to point out how lacking my training is, ISN’T THAT HIS RESPONSIBILITY? He made sure to point out that I’m worried about what everyone else thinks? Who said that? I didn’t! I’m just tired of getting lectures!

I may not know much about the Force, I cannot read thoughts, but I know facial features, I know conversational queues! I go on what I see! If he was more interested in learning about ME than judging what HE thinks, he would see that.

I was good though. Yeah, I had a suppressed look on my face. I was mad, MAD, but I suppressed it. I kept my mouth shut. I folded my arms as I walked, and listened to every single word, but I kept my mouth shut… while I got another lecture that I was doing things wrong.

Oh, gee. I get to talk now.

Sorry Rojuhr, I’m trying, but this isn’t fair, and Dad always taught me to stand up for myself.

Yes.

Kahne Porte

 

[Kahne Porte]

Yes.

"Good." However Kahne wasn't too sure, he could sense that there was something further within the young man. However he didn't dwell on that, even for a second. If it was to surface, then it would surface. He would continued to inquire an explain himself. Offer what he could and let the force take care of the rest.

"We have a spare bedroom in our home if you wish to stay here during the course of our training, or you can continue to go back and forth from the Shiraya Temple. Either option is perfectly fine, whatever is more comfortable for you. " Kahne spoke, as they continued along the path. They still had a ways to go, but the wind was blowing well and the air was cool. It was incredibly nice, days like these you couldn't afford to lose.

"Are there any questions you have, or concerns?"


Michael Angellus

 

[Michael Angellus]

​

Journal Entry: .

Okay Journal.

I know what you are thinking at this point.

“I thought you were going to stand up for yourself?” “Weren’t you not going to take this anymore?” I get it. I do. You’re right.

I am waiting for the right opportunity to speak up, and this is not it. I’m not dumb. When you deal with those who invalidate your feelings; with those who simply blow off your concerns and tell you “your fine” or use wording that basically tells you that you or your concerns are “a dime a dozen” then what is the point? If they are not going to talk to you, but at you then you pick your spots.

Just moments ago, I tried to reach out, and even try a fresh start, and what happened? The dude scoffed at me and told me I was ridiculous, in a manner of speaking. Proof positive right there. I won’t give any of these people the satisfaction of being broken down. I won’t quit. This isn’t “boot camp” no matter how much it might compare.

So no, I’ll just walk along, arms folded, head down looking forward.

... none worth bringing up… I won’t be staying here...

Kahne Porte

 

[Kahne Porte]

... none worth bringing up… I won’t be staying here...

"Fair enough...." The Jedi Master spoke with a light tone.

The Jedi Master took a deep breath before speaking again. Trying his best to gather his thoughts on how to approach the situation.

"I do apologize Michael." Kahne spoke as they continued their walk. "I don't do this very often, not the apologize part, I can definitely admit when I'm wrong. But I don't teach very often. In fact I haven't had a Padawan for over ten years. I choose to give advice, and to help as I can."

Kahne cleared his throat before looking over to him.

"So tell me what can I do to help you better?"

Michael Angellus

 

[Michael Angellus]

​

Journal Entry: .

Are you kidding me?

He apologized?

Now I have to accept it. I do! My mother always taught me, “If someone sincerely apologizes to you, you accept it.”

I’m still mad though. This is the same guy who scoffed at mypeace offering.

He’s trying, I have to try.

So I stood there for a minute. Just looking at him, and all I could do was let out a sigh.

Master Porte. All I ever wanted, from the moment I landed on this planet was for people to see things from my point of view. If I’m right, or if I’m wrong is irrelevant. I had to wipe my eyes for a second.

I know I’m going to get things wrong from time to time. I’m not dumb, but when a person who is supposed to have taken me under his wing openly tells me that I am spending too much time worrying what others think of me… This was starting to feel pretty cathartic…

... when I never truly did… do you know how that feels? I know that no one has ever outright called me a “screwup”, but when I get lectures with that tone, and verbage leading to that, then what am I supposed to think? When an instructor one second tells me that I “can talk to him” but then lectures me about how to watch a duel? What is that? Yeah, that was Knight Lorn Reingard , but I won’t throw the dude under the bus. I don’t do that to people. Well, except for here, I guess.

When I am asked how I feel and am told “Oh, you’re fine” or “Oh, you aren’t going through things every other Padawan has gone through…” How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to feel when I am starting all of this at 16, when many had started their journey at infancy? I’m not only playing “catch up” but doing double duty in that regard! That is what hurts the most, how are you able to open up to others when they invalidate your feelings?

This may not be “new” to you, but it’s “new” to me. You want to “help me be better”? See things from my side once in a while and maybe tell me how I could do things differently. Yeah, I’m probably doing this whole thing wrong, but he asked!

You know what? Forget it all. I accept your apology. I’m the one who should apologize. So, I’m sorry. Sorry I waste everyone's time. Okay, that was me overreacting...

Kahne Porte [/COLOR]