I Miss the Before

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

The new message indicator pulses against the fading blackness of the bedroom.

Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.

Eyes stir beneath closed lids and finally open. Scale-speckled hand gropes for the communicator unit. The pulsing stops. The incoming message registers itself in my mostly-conscious-state. I know it is coming. I thought I’d have more time. But there is no escape from this. Simple words that chill me beneath the knot of blankets:

‘You know what you have to lose. I need you. Now.’

Judah isn’t home. Makai is here. I check the chrono-clock. He is supposed to be home by now. Out of bed. Fingers still clutching the communicator unit. Fingers shaking. Body trembling. Clothes on. Hair back. One call.

“Makai? Grandma and Grandpa are coming over. Mommy has to go on a mission.” Kiss the tadpole. Hug the tadpole. Don’t cry in front of the tadpole.

Pulse. Pulse. Another message: ‘Hurry. I can take one away and you’ll still have something to lose.’

Pulse. Pulse.

There’s an incoming holophoto on the communicator unit: My husband. Judah. Arm in a sling. Cut up. Wilderness surrounds him. The man I fell in love with. The man I still love. The man in trouble. The man in pain.
Hug the tadpole. Smother the tadpole. Release the tadpole.

“But Mom. Mommy. Mom. Where are you going? I want to come!”

Stern face. Keep lips from trembling. Strong face. “On an important mission for Daddy. You have to stay here. Promise me you’ll stay here.”

Tug. Tug. Tug. Little hands on flight jacket ends. “But I don’t wanna.”

Strong face. Stern face. “Stay. Here.”

“No!”

“Up to your room right now.”

“NO!”

“I will tell your father and you will be grounded for the next month. No holopad. No choco-chews. No friends. No trips. Go to your room RIGHT NOW!”

Defiance. Face scrunched up. Face red. Face hot. Explosion. Explosion of tears. Small tears, big tears. Don’t wipe them away. His or mine.

#

Ship controls set. Crash webbing snug on shoulders. Space is cold. Space is a beast ready to devour. The maw of a battle ship opens. Sucks me in. Swallows me up.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The lizard-man wears stiff black boots that click on the industrial-plating of the bridge floor of the battle ship. Predatory-eyes stare at me. Gulp me up. Take me in. Always hungry. “I have another mission for you. Don’t forget what you can lose.”

“I never forget.”

The first time the lizard-man shows me a holophoto I am furious. It is a holophoto of Makai at school. I can stop it. I can fight it. I can protect them, protect my son. Protect my family. The second holophoto is of Judah at work and a woman who works an office over. I refuse to listen. I can protect them. I can protect my husband and protect my family. The woman in the holophoto commits ‘suicide’ the next day. I am trembling. By the third holophoto, I am resigned. It is an image taken inside our house at the dinner table. In our bedroom. In our bathroom. In our yard.

Click. Click. Click. “Good.” He smiles or leers. His tongue slips over jagged mountains of stained white. Always hungry. Always waiting.

“You could pick any pilot.”

His sneer widens. “But you’re the best.”

“And you have leverage.”

“I’ll always have leverage.”

Tap. Tap. Tap.

#

The coordinates are in my navigation computer. I fly an approach to the village. No Name Village on a No Name Planet. Children, parents, mothers, murderers, pedophiles, prophets, priests, sisters, lusters, brothers, uncles, aunts, grandparents. They’re all down there. Ants on a pile. Bees in a hive. Rats in a maze.

Work. Work. Work. Move. Move. Move.

I fly low. I fly black. They don’t see me; they never do because I’m the best. It could be over in a nanosecond. Just one button push of springs, circuitry, and intelligence, and the payload will drop. The ants will scurry. The bees will fall. The rats will scream. I will want to join them in ash and heat.

But I can’t do it. I can’t press the button. The village for Makai and Judah. Makai and Judah for the village. I hate the lizard-man. And I hate her. The name he let slip. The name he hinted as his employer. It made sense and it didn’t make sense. She was close. But there was no proof. Never proof. Just names and rumors. Selka Ventus. An old whiphid. Murder of a few no-name rogue jedi. But it lead back to that one name. The name lizard-man let slip. Or had planted. The one I could never trust. The one that would always be associated to lizard-man: [member="Danger Arceneau"].

I angle the ship controls down. Up is down and down is up. The holophoto of Makai and Judah is backlit on the orange-tinted canopy of the cockpit. My hands ache. I can stop it. I can fight it. I can protect them, protect my son. Protect my family. But I can’t save myself.

Up is down and down is up. Klaxons blare but sound faraway. The flash of light reflects off the surface of the shallow water, like moistened duracreet after a steamy-rain. I am empty. I am full. I am devoured. I am scared. They are free. In a nanosecond it’s over. His leverage is gone.

#

Tap. Tap. Tap.

“Sir. The ship is gone. It made quite an explosion. Not much left. The village still stands.”

Reptilian-eyes narrowed. “Thessa Kai?”

“No one could’ve survived that.”

A hungry-smile spread over cold-lips. “Good. Silence the reports. Pay off the media. Send the letter to [member="Judah Dashiell"]. Nothing will point back to us. Just as planned.”

“Yes sir. And the village?”

“We’ll find another.”

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

Judah's comm would flash. It was a message, from his wife. Doctored and sent from the lizard-man. Something Judah would never know. Or, if he did find out, it wouldn't be for a long, long time.

Judah. I can't do this anymore. I want a divorce. I can't explain it to you. You've changed and so have I. Tell Makai I love him and this has nothing to do with him. I can't cause you two pain anymore. Don't try to find me. This is too painful as it is. I'll find you and Makai again. Some day. I'll always love you two.

-Thee

The writers employed beneath lizard-man were the very best. It wasn't too hard for them to ghost-write a message in the late Thessa Kai's voice.

 

[Judah Dashiell]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUqnaJN5x-A​

​

​

​

​

Buzzt.Buzzt.Buzzt.


With the plethora of machines humming and beeping at his bedside Judah nearly missed the message. He fumbled around, groggy and clumsy due to the painkillers that slowly dripped down through his IV. Wincing due to the shoulder, he listened to the message. Then listened again. Finally he listened for a third time before forcing himself to stop.


Eyebrows furrowed. Was he in a painkiller induced nightmare? Dr. Yund had said the damage was quite bad. Surgery had taken longer than expected. He had only been out for several hours at this point. Maybe he was reacting badly to the anesthesia. When was the last time he had anesthesia? It had been well over a decade ago. During the nanoinvasion. His foggy brain tried to wrap itself around his actions all those years ago but couldn't make a connection. Good hand reached out and pinched himself on the thigh. Pain. So he wasn't having a nightmare after all.


He was living one.


Brain was doing its best to rack around the why. Or the how. Didn't [member="Thessa Kai"] get his message he was in the hospital. Didn't anyone tell her? Terrible timing to ask for a divorce, she could have waited until he at least was discharged. Everything seemed...wrong. Off. Judah couldn't tell if it was due to medication or a sinking gut feeling. Hand found the comm again and he carefully typed out a text holomessage to her personal comm.


No. You want to do this, come do it face-to-face. You're not taking the easy way out - Judah


With the message taken care of, groggy mind flipped back to another Galan.Makai.


Who the hell was watching their son...no his son. Anger coursed through him immediately, realizing she had left Makai without a backwards glance. Their only child. His pride and joy, the reason for everything in his life. He had to get home. Good hand gripping the railing, Judah felt a fresh wave of pain course through his shoulder as he tried to get up. Even after he fought to sit up, a small part of his brain realized he was too foggy, too drugged up get to Makai quickly.


Comm connected to the house comm after a long moment, a little voice answering on the other end.


"Hello?"


"Hey buddy, how are you?"


"Dad! Where have you been? Did you forget to pick me up?" There was a long silence, as if Makai was debating on what to say. "Dad?....Mama hasn't been back home."


"I know she hasn't been back home. Who is there now? Uncle Chalu?"


"No. Grandma and Grandpa Kai."


"Go give them the comm, okay? I need to talk to them."

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

Mr. Kai, otherwise known as Grandpa Kai, was usually a man of few words. The man and his wife had been through a lot. Slavery. Slavery of their children. Losing their home.

But none of it managed to hunch his strong and tall outward appearance. His salt and pepper exterior had only been hardened. Still, there was a flash of worry hidden in the depths of his coral eyes. But only Mrs. Kai would be able to see it as she handed him the comm from their grandson.

"Judah?" His voice was quiet as it rumbled from his mouth, like thunder traveling across the water. "Where are you? Is Thessa with you?"

Mr. Kai did not know about his son-in-law's plight in the wilderness. And he knew very little about the reason of why Thessa left.

 

[Judah Dashiell]

Grumbling voice came through the comm. Being with [member="Thessa Kai"] for over a decade, Judah could tell the differences in tone her parents had by now. A strong man, Thessa's father would never admit he was worried or concerned outwardly. He saw a family through slavery, it was no surprise when a member was missing there would be some concern.


"Hey Dad." Brain racked around for a moment. Where did [member="Danger Arceneau"] bring him to again? "Medical facility on Etti IV. Been lost on some jungle planet. Messed up my shoulder but nothing of concern. Thessa isn't with me."


Although I need her to be.


"She...uh...sent me a message. Did she act unusual when I was away?"

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

A frown deepened the age lines already on his face. "You're okay?" While it had taken some time for him to warm up to Judah who was nothing like his flesh and blood sons, he had, eventually. All he needed to see was the way the pale man cared for his daughter. Who would always be his first priority.

A hand came up to rub the bristle and scales of his chin. "She called us to come over to watch Makai. She was in a hurry. She just said she had something urgent and it had something to do with you."

His frown deepened. It wasn't like Thessa to not be with Judah. He knew they were having problems. Thessa never shared any details. She was too respectful for that. But he knew things were a bit off since she started working again.

"What did the message say?"

 

[Judah Dashiell]

"Yes and no. The doctor went in and fixed the problem, just a little foggy on painkillers right now." There was a slight pause, as if he was calculating how soon he could bust out and get back home. "I am going to try to talk them into letting me go tomorrow. I'll pay someone to fly me back to Ceto, don't worry."


He went silent for a long moment. What should he tell her parents? He and Thessa always had a fiercely private relationship, not that she perhaps didn't share any troubles with her own Ma. Judah was trying to view it from the angle of a father, but parenting boys and girls seemed vastly different. Not to mention the fact [member="Thessa Kai"] was their only surviving daughter, adding on a thick layer of complication to the mix.


"I...I..think I should tell you face to face." Throat became thick, trying not break down. The reality of the situation was finally starting to reach his addled brain. "Was she okay? Did she take anything with her? Did...did she leave me a note?"

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

"No. Just. Stay where you are. I'll take the next shuttle out." The most disturbing thing of all was the tone of desperation he heard laced in Judah's voice.

"Mrs. Kai can stay with Makai."

It was clear Judah wasn't well enough to travel. And it was clear he wasn't going to get an answer about his daughter unless he met the man.

Closing his eyes, the older man pinched the bridge of his nose. "She was just in a hurry. She took the x-wing. She didn't give us anything for you. I'll see you in a few hours."

Giving Judah a moment to respond if he needed to, he motioned to his wife that he was leaving. He would call them on the transport with more details. Without further delay, he made to leave the house.

 

[Judah Dashiell]

"Yes sir..uh, the Sirena should be in the hangar, if you want to fly instead of waiting on a shuttle. See you soon."


Judah ended the comm call and numbly set the device down next to him. He wasn't keen on his father-in-law coming to pick up, not that he didn't want to see the man. Under normal circumstances things would have been perfectly fine. He was going to have to either glide through some delicate topics or lay out the truth. Part of him wanted to spare the other man any pain, but the other part knew the older man would go crazy not knowing what happened to his daughter.


Adjusting uncomfortably on the bed - and wincing in pain - Judah thought back to the last piece of the conversation. "She was just in a hurry. She took the x-wing. She didn't give us anything for you. I'll see you in a few hours."


He had wanted to ask if Thessa ran out the door without her blaster. The weapon went everywhere with her. Sat next to their bed at night. It had even made a well disguised trip to a parent-teacher conference in its recent past. If she ran out without her trusted weapon it was a sign she didn't plan on leaving. Maybe she was planning the divorce, but it seemed highly suspect the great [member="Thessa Kai"] would run from the chance at giving him a piece of her mind. Nothing ever stopped the stubborn woman before, what was different now?

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

After a few hours of flying and then a few minutes of beings escorted, Mr. Kai finally found his son-in-law's room. "Judah," his voice rumbled, concern evident in his tone. Probably a mixture of concern for his daughter and the state Judah was so obviously in.

"Looks like you went through it. You shouldn't rush out of here."

Wearily, he pulled a chair up next to the bed and sunk down in it. "Now what did the message from my daughter say?"

 

[Judah Dashiell]

Before his father-in-law arrived, Judah bribed a lower level attendant to buy him a pair of pants. One couldn't face their father-in-law in a pair of ratty pants or none at all. In the end, something that would would have normally cost roughly fifteen credits for a cheap pair ended up being nearly one hundred in an attempt to bribe a twenty-something kid.


Judah waited patiently for Mr.Kai to arrive, trying to find a comfortable position in between dozing in and out. Lost in his own thoughts hours later, a voice broke like a thunderclap, speaking his name. He hastily struggled to sit up straight, coming to more of a sitting position as the man took a seat next to him.


"I know, but Makai needs me back home....I can't put it off on you and Mrs. Kai..."


Mr.Kai was always a little intimidating. The news Judah had to share only made [member="Thessa Kai"] 's father seem a bit more imposing than usual. Judah remained silent for a long moment, trying to figure out how to proceed. A deep breath came as he moved to look his father-in-law squarely in the eye.


"She says she wants a divorce and can't explain why. Thessa won't be back and I am not to look for her....maybe one day she will find myself and Makai."


Saying the words, Judah still didn't believe them himself.


"I....I am sorry. You can put the blame on my shoulders Sir....I....I didn't do enough. I should have came to you for advice....but....Foolish pride got in the way. I wanted to show you I could take care of your daughter, raise my family. I never thought she would just leave. I...she just left? Left Makai?"

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

Shoulders slumped and jaw clenched. Steady-eyes finally broke away from Judah's, panning down to his clenched, rough hands. Aged and weathered. Feelings of anger, fear, and shame swelled within.

It didn't sound like his daughter at all.

"This is hard for me to believe. I don't...don't know what to say." Mind went back to the details of when he last saw his daughter. Just a few hours ago. Makai was upset in his room.

"Thee seemed upset when she left but she wouldn't tell us anything. She was just...in a hurry. She seemed concerned about you. But maybe it was something else?"

Stormy-gaze lifted, a hand coming up to rub his stubbled-chin. He was torn between processing this news, supporting his daughter's decision, defending her, and supporting Judah in his current state.

"I don't know what to say," he repeated, echoing his own feelings and his own struggle to grasp at the news. And what would they do? Would Judah even want them still involved in Makai's life? Would it be too painful?

He and Mrs. Kai loved that little boy. He was their grandson. What would Thessa want? But leaving her child behind?

It made no sense.

A heavy weight began to settle on his shoulders. He knew he wouldn't be able to lift this burden himself. And it was something that would never go away until he saw his daughter again.

 

[Judah Dashiell]

"Makes two of us."


There wasn't much he could say about the disappearance of [member="Thessa Kai"] .Judah wasn't sure what more to say to his father-in-law. There may not be a need to, no need to add to the misery the other man was already feeling. He couldn't imagine what Mr. Kai was going through. The man had lost all his children to slavery, except for Thessa. Now she had just disappeared, giving one of the oddest excuses in the galaxy. Something still wasn't adding up. Why not divorce him and just go separate ways from there, instead of running off and being dramatic.


Further, why did she leave Makai behind? Her parents?


"Thess had been acting odd ever since she came back from that year old assignment. It was like she could never relax long enough to be herself...."


He was quiet for a long moment, thinking back. Maybe he should have confronted her more. Took the family to their private Mon Cala island in an attempt to jump start the old Thessa. It was difficult to determine what he should have did in order to keep her from leaving. Keep her from just walking away.


Had it been a mistake all along? It wasn't if they exactly planned to have Makai....did Thessa get tired of being a wife and mother?



"I don't know what to do....all I know is I have to get home to Makai. He's going to need me along with you and Mom."

 

[Thessa Kai]

[member="Judah Dashiell"]

The older man let the silence hang in the air a bit further. Throat cleared, gnarled-hands clenched at his sides. He would not stop looking for his daughter.

"No. You rest up here. I'll go back to my wife. We'll take care of Makai for as long as you need, Judah. Thank you for telling me her message. I know it wasn't easy."

That was the best he could do.

Hands trembled slightly as he took out his own comm, typing in a message to Thessa.

'Where are you? Are you okay? I'm with Judah. He told me what you wrote him. I'll give you space but you need to talk to me. Me and your mother are worried.'


Unfortunately for Mr. Kai and Judah, the message would remain unopened and unanswered.

 

[Judah Dashiell]

Judah didn't bother to argue. He was coming home no matter what, despite what his father-in-law said. Makai needed him. Thessa's parents would take excellent care of his boy, but they were processing their own grief as well. Would Makai remind them too much of Thessa? Judah wasn't so sure, nor was he so sure that the boy could with stand another loss in his life if his in-laws couldn't be around him anymore. He wouldn't bring it up now but it was something to tuck into the back of his mind.


Good hand searching for his comm, he clumsily typed out a second message to [member="Thessa Kai"] . He doubted she would bother to respond, especially when angry or upset with him. Yet the message wasn't for him. It was for his in-laws.


Don't turn your back on your parents Thessa. You can hate me, but don't kill them by ignoring their messages.


He couldn't imagine being in the same spot as his in-laws, especially if Makai pulled such a thing. There wasn't much time to dwell on such a possibility. Judah had work to do, which involved trying to escape the hospital and head home. Dr.Yund seemed very understanding, after all he worked with the Arceneau-Kuhn family on a regular basis. The good Doc should understand the importance of resting at home.


Besides,he had a little investigative work to conduct back on Ceto.