If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I've already won that

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh had found himself being contacted by his friend and co-worker, [member="Jyoti Nooran"] regarding some things. Apparently, he'd been... "Off" lately. She didn't give a lot of context. Something about acting different since Zeltros, being more quiet, something like that. He couldn't remember his response. Something about stress? The specifics avoided him, but one way or another, it'd been suggested that he could come talk to her.

While hesitant, as he didn't want to burden Jyoti, nor did he want to hear the same "Oh, just get over it" line he'd heard from people in regards to his problems in the past that had further made him believe his issues were a burden to others. Even then... He'd already buried his problems deep, kept them bottled and tried to "get over" them on his own. That was half the reason he was like this now. He didn't need to hear it again.

Still, he knew deep down that if anyone was going to understand, it'd be Jyoti. She'd been nothing but supportive thus far. He had reason to trust her, even if trusting people in general had proven to be... Difficult. But he knew that he couldn't keep bottling things. And he couldn't keep letting his feelings rule him either, which he also knew had become a problem. He'd been overwhelmed by so much going on in his head that things didn't feel clear anymore, and while listening to one's heart was good... Sometimes the heart was wrong.

He stepped into Jyoti's chambers at the agreed on time, taking a deep breath as he tried to keep an aura of calm, even if it had been getting more and more difficult to do so lately. His hair also hadn't grown back yet, and he'd heard "Aryn Teth" jokes a few times. What was an Aryn Teth?

 

[Eugen Aker]

Jyoti was waiting in her room for Josh to arrive, sitting at her desk. This time around, she had brought all the snacks and drinks, neatly arranged on her desk in rows and columns.

Josh seemed different. Normally he would be cracking some jokes of trying to initiate small talk, but he looked and felt troubled. She always wondered if his humorous nature was, at least in part, a facade to hide his real feelings.

"Mr. Teth." she started as she stood from her chair. "I was expecting someone else tonight, but welcome all the same."

Her expression was somber, and her delivery had been completely deadpan as if she meant every word.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

It seemed Jyoti had already arranged the snacks, he noted as he walked in. Though he blinked a few times at Jyoti's joke. After a few seconds, a small smile would cross his features. He'd heard the "Aryn Teth" jokes a few times now since he had cut his hair for a disguise for one of Yuroic's hairbrained schemes only to find out he had accidentally become the twin of the CIS member. Mischief was in his eyes in that moment as he would then speak with what seemed to be a rough attempt to imitate Aryn Teth.

"My apologies, Master Nooran" He spoke as he would bow his head. "I'll see myself out" He added as he would turn and begin to head for the door. Well, clearly she was expecting someone else, right?

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

"Oh no, please stay," she said with the shake of her head. "There's plenty of snacks for everyone."

She plopped back on her chair, grabbing a bottle of chilled peach tea for herself.

"I still can't get used it," she said, cracking her stony facade as she uncapped her bottle. "It's weird seeing you without all your hair."

"Alright, so what's wrong? Ever since your mission to Zeltros, you've been moping around all over the Rest. I didn't see anything unusual from your report aside from a few drunk Jedi - it was a success. Did something else happen then?"

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He smiled lightly at her comments. "Blame Yuroic. It'll grow back, I'm looking at possibilities for how to speed up the process. If I hear Aryn Teth again, I think I'm going to scream" He joked lightly. But it was quite clear that he wasn't able to smile to the same cheekiness and degree that he could before. His eyes, his face, none of it lit up the same.

Josh frowned when she asked though, and let out a sigh as he would take a seat, pondering his choice of words. He really did hope that Jyoti would understand. And maybe be able to help. He was very... Very hesitant to tell her. Hesitant to trust. These were things he told nobody. He hadn't told Jyoti, he hadn't told Scherezade some of these... Some of them he hadn't even told Shmi.

"Zeltros went fine" He spoke softly. How did he sum this all up? This web of things that had caused him nothing but pain as of late, and hampered him in every way. "Saka and the Wookiee had a language barrier issue that led to her being drunk, but otherwise it went without a hitch. But on a personal note..."

He took a deep breath, taking one of the drinks set out nearby. "I... Met a woman. I didn't think too much of it at first. Our plan was to develop the biggest facade we could of being regular, rowdy, partying patrons. An idea of how to develop it further drunkenly plopped into my lap and asked to dance. That was fine, that was okay, I brought her back after to tell stories with, develop our facade further so we could get the jump on security and begin the battle with the advantage."

It was a typical Josh plan. Anything to start the battle with a clear advantage, especially when Padawans were involved. But this wasn't about the plan.

"But... One way or another, I bonded with this woman. Yeah there was the morality issue, but she I had no issues with. It's the stories we shared, the experiences we had, that hit me. You know already about my brother, I covered his death in the reports when detailing the death of one of the Sith."

He hadn't detailed his side of things though. He'd written his brother as having been turned, freed, and then promptly being killed by his former comrades soon after. Nobody besides Shmi knew the sacrifices he had made to make that turn happen. The only indicator there was something more, was that he had not been the same man coming out that Arisa Yune had first met.

"But... I lost my father some time ago too. Something I didn't tell you when we were covering family as any records of the man I met were falsified and wouldn't have been useful anyway... I met my father again, a number of years ago. Under a new identity. Philip J. Halen... Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic, having just quit the Senate when I met him. Finding him after thinking him dead all these years was... Surreal. But I lost him, soon after. He died when the One Sith invaded Coruscant years ago. On the topic of Coruscant, I also lost my best friend, Tallia Farn that day too, and as the reports note I found her not long ago, a Sith that had long since lost most of her humanity and mind of her own. Of course, as the reports say now after I updated them, I had wiped her memory at her behest, and that... Well, you can guess on that.

Then of course there's the divorce, the feelings of being abandoned, taking care of Jason alone, worrying about him, the stresses over his separation anxiety he developed when he moved to the Temple... All of that together. All of these things that I have tried to bottle up, push away, and just, as I was told by the last people that I dared talk to on the matter... Get over it, stop burdening people with my problems and get over them. But it's not that easy, it turns out. Her experiences... They were similar.

I found myself wanting to help her. She wasn't as capable of holding it all in and pushing it away as I was. She was letting it destroy her from the inside out and causing her to do horrible things to herself and others. I wanted to help, I counselled and I counselled... And the more I counselled on these problems, many of them being in some vein similar to my own... All of a sudden all my own problems that I'd tried to push away were to the forefront again. It all came back at once, and I've just... Never been able to get rid of it again."

He took a deep breath as he took a long sip of the drink. Was it alcoholic? He wasn't sure. He kind of hoped it was. He'd started drinking more again lately.

"When I left the old Jedi, when I got married... I was happy. Because I realized that I could be something other than what they made me. I could be human. I could be a person, with feelings and emotions, and a mind of my own... And not a weapon. And with that new life I'd started off that, things were great... For a long time. But now... I'm not so sure anymore."

It'd just all started flowing out now, once he'd gotten started. And the whole time, all he seemed to be able to think about was the fact he was burdening Jyoti. He was saying too much, he was making her take too much, he was bothering her, annoying her probably, and her reaction, he was afraid of her reaction. And the more he spoke, the more his anxiety was clear all across his face, and in what his aura in the Force radiated.

"My mind has been... Clouded. I've not been able to use my head, my logic much for making decisions anymore. Everytime I try, everything comes back and I can't focus. My mind's just assaulted with all these memories, these stresses, these feelings, these emotions, so much that just came at me all at once and I can't get rid of it. It doesn't help I'm not sleeping much anymore either. Medical droid says it's severe anxiety that's causing insomnia. But I have no clue how to stop that.

When it got to the point that I couldn't rely on my head anymore... I tried to rely on my heart. But I'm... Just not sure if my heart is leading me where I need it to lead me. A heart and a mind... They work together as a set. A heart without a mind makes rash decisions, works on impulses... A mind without a heart is no better than a Sith. I need both. But... I haven't been able to work with both lately. And it's bothered me to no end, and caused me further anxiety.

As far as why I haven't really spoken on it, I just... Didn't want to burden people. They're not my parents, they're not my wife and even Shmi I never burdened her with as much as what I'm saying now. And I feel like I can't say this enough, but I'm sorry for loading all this on you, if I'm being a burden, I really am... That and... I don't know. I just can't seem to trust on the level I used to. I haven't been able to since the Republic. And I want to. Deep down I do. And I look at the Silver Jedi and I see... Well, I see what I used to see. A family.

A long time ago, I told the old Grandmaster, Arisa Yune, that I was afraid I'd never find the Silvers to be that, but I did. And I want to accept them as family, and trust them... But the last time I did, I found myself regretting it. I found myself backstabbed, abandoned, alone... I've told that story a thousand times by now, I doubt you want to hear it again. But everytime I want to, I just get this sense of deja vu and I freeze up. My heart wants to, my mind says no.

But... Yeah. Long story short, I just... Don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't be a good teammate on missions relying on just my heart... I can't be a good teacher. Force sakes, how can I be a good father? I just feel... Worthless, I guess. And the more I struggle to try to fix it and fail, the more helpless I feel as well. I'm not making rational decisions, I know I'm not. I'm relying on my heart too much, I'm relying on impulses.

Case in point is that girl... Yes, it's in my nature to try to help people, it's how I was raised. But there is way too much mess there, and said morality issue. And yet I feel like that I've unintentionally put my whole being into trying to help save her... When I'm still not in a secure position myself. I'm saying and doing things based off my heart and my impulses, and not what maybe should have been logical. And I'm not comfortable with that. I know what I should be doing, but my mind and my body just... Aren't cooperating. Aren't working like they should. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

I don't trust myself anymore."

He bowed his head in apology after it all came out. He knew then that he couldn't bottle this sort of thing up anymore. It'd done more harm than good. And it'd done him damage he didn't know if he could repair.

"Sorry."

He also knew he'd gone on a lot longer than planned. It was meant to just be some light indication, but... As he went it just all came out. He watched Jyoti for her response apprehensively. He knew he could, he was pretty sure, trust her. But he'd also gone on far longer than planned, said a lot more than he intended, and said things that he didn't think she'd like. Great.

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

Jyoti certainly let her have it, seemingly revealing every problem plaguing him. The revelation about his father was especially quite the surprise. Fortunately, she was able to hide her shock behind the long swigs of tea she took from her bottle.

By the time he was finished, the bottle was almost empty.

She cast her eyes downward, taking a few moments to process what he said while she toyed with her bottlecap.

Finally, she looked back up at him. "Without digging too deep into each issue individually, it sounds like you've just been letting all your problems pile up without addressing them. If that's what's happening, then it's definitely no good. You're going to crack if you haven't already."

"Well, let's take this one matter at a time. Why don't you tell me more about this girl? She seemed to have triggered your recent shift in disposition."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Jyoti had been patient, and hadn't instantly been harsh and cast judgement, which he appreciated. After she asked her first question, he mulled it over a bit, taking little drinks here and there while he tried to digest the question and find the words. It wasn't an easy thing to answer, after all.

Taking a deep breath, Josh nodded his head. "Her name is Scherezade. She's a darksider from the CIS, though I wasn't keenly aware of the more intimate details until later. She was heavily intoxicated and asked for a dance during the mission on Zeltros, and as I mentioned I took the opportunity to strengthen our undercover operation. She claimed I resembled someone she'd lost, and... Maybe that too is why I decided to take her up on it. There was a pain radiated from her that I couldn't ignore. Turning a blind eye to that sort of thing has never been the way I am. It also wasn't really a dance, it was more just... Her leaning on me while she talked. I asked a few questions, and it turned out that she had recently also been abandoned by a lover, someone who'd promised her forever and ever... I think you can kind of guess the impact on me from there, I don't think I need to spell that out.

More and more, our pasts and personalities seemed to match in some ways. And the more I spoke with her, the more I saw that she was damaged and hurt. And I think it was partly that correlation to my own issues that drew me to want to help her further. I opened up a little, I spoke to her about some of my own issues that I'd been bottling up, I wanted her to understand that in some vein I could understand her feelings and she could trust me. I couldn't give much, I knew that. I promised her I'd stick around for that night, be there with her to ensure she didn't have to walk her sorrows by herself. I sort of doubted I'd see her again once we received the signal, but she ended up coming to my aid when I found myself in a tight spot. My plan to use the Current to put guards to sleep prior to the attack starting was sabotaged by the sprinklers, and I ended up taking a few nasty shots to the head before she bought me time to heal up and finish out the mission.

We met up later, and I continued to learn more about her, and saw more of the correlations between us. The more we talked on it, the more I tried to help. And the more I tried to help, the more of everything I brought out to try to give her advice, wisdom, anything I could. And the more of that I brought out..." He trailed off, scratching his head in turn, looking down a bit. "... The more that my own issues that I'd been trying to bottle up, move past, get over, yadda yadda, the more they came to the forefront and once they did, I couldn't forget them anymore. It all came up at once and has remained there. I found myself looking at a mirror, basically. An unstable, dark-sided mirror, sure... But the more I tried to help her work out her issues, the more that I was reminded about my own.

As for her... She'd been tormented by a darksider, badly damaged mentally, and when she came out, she found she had been betrayed by her lover and her sister, who were now together. That seems to be one of the roots of it. The rest is a bit foggy."

Josh let out a sigh in turn. "I've done everything I can to help her, thus far. I've tried to be some kind of pillar of support for her to the best of my abilities. To heal... That's what we do. That's what Valae told me. But I don't know how much good I'm doing, and that frustrates me as well. And whether I like to admit it or not, I've grown to care about her. I know that. With her being a darksider, that's probably the last thing anyone in this Temple right now would want to hear, but the more I interact with her, the more that I want to help. The more that I want to see her happy. I've not once seen her smile. Not for real, anyway. But she has people trying to take advantage of her vulnerabilities. There are people that are trying to turn her into a weapon. And... That too I can take identity with.

She was the girl, by the way, who I walked into the Banquet with. She was the cause of the Force Scream. She'd broken down, after some kind of incident. I decided to stay with her after, help her calm down, let her vent. I was also worried as, like I said, that was where I'd found out about people trying to take advantage of her. That guy, our host, the one who made the speech... Darth Wrinkles or whatever. He berated her, he treated her like trash. And then suddenly switched tact as if feelings were just tools, and tried to pretend he cared. Said he would help her take her pain and use it to make her stronger. And that I feared. Because believe it or not... She really isn't like any darksider I've met. She has some traits... But not what you would come to expect. She seems like someone who's hurting, who's suffering... But her heart is still there. Her heart is still beating, and still has the capacity for real compassion and empathy.

My fear is that Mr. Wrinkles will take that away from her."

The more that he talked about it, the easier it became. He had been clearly hesitant to speak much at first, but it was starting to flow out now.

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

So as it turned out, Josh had gotten romantically involved with a Dark Sider. Now she could understand why he had been so reluctant to speak about it. Jyoti continued to look all serene like, but internally, she wasn't all that ecstatic about him fornicating with the woman.

She uncapped her bottle for small sip before continuing.

"Well, if I'm being honest, I'm definitely not a fan of what you did with her, but it doesn't have much to do with her corruption, or me being worried you catch it like some cooties. She seems pretty messed up, and your approach may have been counterproductive for the both of you. Things happen though, we're only sentient."

In private, she was chill about the situation. She had her fair share of skeletons (perhaps several million and counting) and wasn't in any position to judge him. Not like she would want to, in her eyes he was a good man that had made some mistakes. Perhaps the hardest thing about being a Master is admitting that you were still quite fallible.

"Josh, I don't think this is about her, but you. I know you're still hurting after Shmi left you, and you've latched onto that woman as a replacement. You claim she seems different, but I wonder if you're looking at this objectively."

She didn't agree with everything the old Masters of the original Jedi Order has proposed, but she did agree about being cautious about personal attachments. They could cause biases and cloud judgment. That's exactly why Josh needed a third party looking into matters.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh listened as Jyoti explained that perhaps his approach had been counterproductive. He'd explained his process enough, he was pretty sure anyway. Counselling, letting her rant, offering bits of his own problems as examples to help her relax and know she wasn't alone, and to try to offer solutions. Jyoti felt this was counterproductive, sure, fine, maybe he could rethink his approach.

Though he would blink a few times when she said that he was likely trying to replace Shmi. "I'm not sure I follow. Are you thinking we're involved?" Josh would inquire, tilting his head lightly. "I mean, yes I care about her deeply, and don't wish to lose her if something happens, but we're not actually romantically involved" He explained softly. It was weird to him, had he implied they were involved? He had never said they had done anything of that nature, and he'd left out the... Intimate details of their first meeting. He didn't know where the conclusion came from, aside from the "care" thing.

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

Jyoti frowned as Josh tried to claim his relationship with the woman was purely platonic. The Echani certainly hadn't been born yesterday.

"Josh...no man monologues on a woman like that who's just his 'friend'. You don't even talk about Jason like that. Then you end it all by saying 'My fear is that Mr. Wrinkles will take that away from her' - pure jealousy."

When Jyoti spoke, she mimicked his manner of folksy dialect to drive that last quote home.

"Whether physically, and/or emotionally, she has you hooked. Again, it happens. You certainly wouldn't be the first Jedi to be involved with a Dark Sider."

"So, I take it you're still in regular contact with her?"

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh tilted his head at her remarks. -Did- he have a thing for Scherezade? He hadn't thought about it before. He didn't think he was ready for a commitment again right now. Not while the memory of everything with Shmi was still fresh. Though the bit of sass that came with it caused him to close his eyes and smirk lightly.

"I don't know, Jyoti. If I thought you were in trouble, I think I'd monologue about you too" He teased, shooting her a cheeky grin. Not that he was lying. He did care for Jyoti deeply and if he hadn't, he wouldn't even be discussing this with her right now. It was going to take someone with this level of trust for him to speak out like this without replicating the circumstances that Scherezade had. Scherezade's instance was almost like worming into a weak spot, a hole in his heart that had opened in a moment of vulnerability. Scherezade, shaped just like the hole, had managed to slip in.

He also thought she was wrong about the Jason thing. He -had- monologued about Jason. He'd done it to Valae when he brought him to the temple after the separation. He wanted to be absolutely sure that he would be okay, that there'd be someone to comfort him if he got anxious and got upset in the middle of the night, or if he got lonely.

Shrugging it off, he nodded his head when she asked if he was in contact. "Sort of. We keep in contact here and there."

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

Josh seemed to be working hard to convince her - and perhaps himself - that he didn't have a thing for Scherezade, but it wasn't working. She just smiled and nodded, as if to drop the subject.

"So you're just good friends at this point. We'll go with that."

She recalled his words earlier, about Scherezade possibly being exploited. She wasn't the least bit surprised about this, it seemed like everyone wanted to use Force Users like a tool. Be it the Sith, or the Republic in the past. That was another reason the Silver Order existed, to provide a refuge for all Force Users against such exploitation.

"Who's trying to take advantage of her? Is she in trouble? You can always bring her here. We do welcome Darksiders within our doors if they need help, and she seems like she needs a lot."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

There was definitely an emotional attachment. And a major one. But she had a lot of growing up to do, and a Gerwald to get over. Those things stood in the way of him looking at her in a romantic light. At least right now. Besides... He still needed to get past the fact that Shmi was never coming back. That was going to take time. He wasn't ready for a relationship yet, and neither was she.

If he was, maybe he'd have asked Jyoti if she wanted to go out for dinner sometime. She was cute, after all. And while he didn't want to admit it, he'd lowkey had a bit of a thing for her for some time... Though it never set in until awhile ago. Not that he'd tell her, not without prompting. He wouldn't expect her to either, he had the feeling that wasn't returned.

"I feel that someone is trying to exploit her, yes. The man hosting the feast from some time ago. It was him" He spoke, gingerly nodding his head. "As far as being in trouble is concerned... I do feel that she will either be in trouble from exploitation, or will be a danger to herself. She's not entirely stable" Josh would admit. Now that was an understatement. "I don't know if she'd come here. Her issues with what I assume to be an Alliance Jedi have made her wary of us. I don't think I have a level of trust with her yet to convince her to try."

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

"She certainly wouldn't be the first Sith through our doors, and citizens of the CIS have been here before and are always welcome if she isn't aware."

There was nothing more she really had to say on Josh's new-girl-he-says-is-not-but-totally-is. They just needed time.

From what Josh had been saying earlier Scherezade was hardly the only thing on his mind if his earlier words were any indication.

"So, she was only a catalyst, but she's definitely not the source of your problems right now. What else is troubling you?"

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

She was correct, Scherezade was only a catalyst. Something that brought his issues to the surface with such a severity that the Jedi could no longer hide and bottle them up anymore. They had been running rampant since, and Josh had been unable to exercise any level of control over it all. Though venting on it a bit at least had helped him feel a bit better.

"I think you know" He spoke softly, letting out a sigh.

He tried to formulate the words to continue on with that.

"To go back a bit. This is... Not something that I talk to people about. For good reason. The... Issues, with my brother. The end result that led to him being killed by the Sith as I reported. I won't lie to you, Jyoti, it completely destroyed my mind" He would admit quietly. "The reason being that I have hunted for him for years. Tried over and over again to help him be free... I wasn't trying to convert him to the light. I just wanted him to be free. He was in pain, I saw the chains of the dark side taking hold of him very clearly, and in a moment of clarity, he admitted it. He just... Wanted to be away from it. Wanted to have freedom over himself, which the dark side, the Sith, had taken away from him. But his clarity was gone soon after and just like that, he was like a wild beast again.

I... Took rather drastic measures to snap him out of it, after all my attempts failed. He had told me he was too far gone. That no matter what he did... He could never still be himself anymore. So I made a decision. I went to the former Jedi Master, Coryth Elaris, and I told her my plan. That I intended to learn the dark side... And fly as close to the sun as I could. I knew it wasn't the smartest idea at the time, but... I'd grown desperate at that point. I felt like I was just so close to my goal, but that last hurdle was just out of my reach. As for Coryth... She had long given up her mantle of being Jedi, and had learned both the light and the dark. Due to what happened with the Republic and how extremist they had become, and as this was long before I had met you or grown to trust the Silvers... I could not trust a faction with this plan. I went to her as she was one of the few left that I trusted. I asked her to teach me the dark side, and... I asked her that should I fall, to try and bring me back. If I went too far...

If I went too far, I had requested she kill me. I refused to become the very thing I have spent my whole life fighting against. She agreed, and... She did her best. I thought learning to harness my anger would be easy. I had spent my whole life hearing about how seductive the dark side was. And how easy it was to give in to one's anger. But... I couldn't. No matter what Coryth did, I could never achieve the level of emotion and anger necessary to use the dark side. It was a strength, yes... It made me infallible to the dark side, almost. But it was not suitable to what I needed to do if I was to save my brother. But Coryth could help me no longer, so...

I sought out Circe. You know her by the records, I assume. Circe has done awful, terrible things to the people that I love. She sold one of my best friends out to the Sith just for power and to get into the back pocket of Kaine Zambrano. She has tried to do horrible things to many others I've grown to know... And she is the one that took my brother away in the first place. She is the monster that turned him into what he was. I realized that deep down, I hated Circe with every inch of my being. So I went to her. I lied about my intentions, knowing she would try to use me as a tool regardless, so I played her game and she was able to use what she had done to harness my anger."

He shrugged his shoulders. "It exploded. I punched her in the face. Repeatedly. It didn't work out between us."

He continued to go on. "Now that I knew how, I was able to begin to learn it myself. I taught myself things that..."

The Jedi looked visibly sick upon thinking back on it.

"I can't tell you how many times the process caused me to vomit. But I pulled it off eventually. Shakily. Eventually I was ready to face my brother, and face him I did. Using the dark side, I managed to take him down. Thinking I had become just like him, he prepared for me to finish him off. I didn't. I had taken the time needed to ensure I was in control of my own actions before I sought him out, even if harnessing the dark side long enough to pull it off was difficult. It was the realization that I had pulled off what he claimed he could not and the realization of the lengths I had gone to that led him to being able to break free."

He wasn't able to meet her eyes anymore after that though, as the next memory was clearly not a pleasant one. "If it had been left at that, things probably still would have been fine. I wasn't able to easily harness the dark side any more than before and I had no desire to as the act still made me want to vomit. But... Unfortunately, the reunion was short-lived. The Sith took him from me. Killed him using missiles fired from a ship. Didn't have the guts to try and fight him straight on. They went for me first, but they knew he'd try to save me. He did and... It killed him."

The Jedi shook his head. "The realization, as I indicated, completely destroyed my mind. Everything piled on and I ended up giving in to my anger. I went home, using what sense I had left to go there where I would not be of harm to anyone in the Order. I didn't accommodate for Shmi being off-assignment. I lashed out at her in a moment of weakness but she calmed me down."

This was clearly getting very difficult to talk about. It was the one secret he had kept all these years from anyone, and it was one that was clearly a horrible memory for him.

"I... I thought she was going to leave. But she didn't. She stayed. She promised she'd never leave, no matter what. She promised she would always be there, through thick and thin. It... Made me realize what I'd known all along, and that was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted to marry her. And I did. We had Jason, and... Everything was happy. I spent a bit less time on missions while I recovered from all that had happened. The trauma seems to have placed a mental block on my capability to use the dark side. Even a heavy negative feeling brought the memories back and I'd avoid it like the space plague. So that helped, sort of. I managed to recover eventually, for the most part, and Shmi had been someone I could confide in if the nightmares that came with it started again.

But... That ties into the biggest issue for me, I think."

That had been the one secret he had kept from the Jedi, and now it was on the table. It was one of his issues that still haunted him, and if he were to ever recover from everything, he couldn't leave even that out. Jyoti was someone he could trust with it. The danger that came with it had long passed, mainly thanks to Shmi, to Jason becoming a part of his life, and to finding his belonging with the Silver Jedi Order. Josh was a far different man now from the one that he had been describing from back then.

"I... I guess..." He trailed off. "That I just keep analyzing why she did eventually leave. She left, she abandoned myself and Jason with hardly a word. And I... I just..."

Josh took a deep breath as he looked away a bit more. He had stopped meeting Jyoti's eyes a long time ago.

"I just..." He trailed off again as he tried to find the strength to say it. The one thing that had bothered him the most all this time. The one thing that he had been trying to suppress but had no longer been able to after Scherezade had been the catalyst.

"... What the hell did I do to cause someone like that to leave, without even giving a why?" He finally spoke. His hands had begun shaking and he clutched them close to his chest. "She stayed with me through thick and thin. She stayed with me when I hit rock bottom. She was the most wonderful wife, the most wonderful mother... She loved us with everything she had. She promised this was forever... What kind of person am I that would drive her away - not just from me, but to abandon Jason as well?"

And there was the truth. Losing Shmi had completely destroyed his confidence in himself. And Josh completely blamed himself for her leaving. He would move his hands up to try and stop the tears from falling but he couldn't stop it.

"What kind of husband am I, that would drive her away? What kind of father am I? If she stayed even back then... What kind of monster have I become? What am I now? That I wasn't even karking worth talking to about it? What kind of horrible husband have I been to her? What kind of father have I been to Jason?"

He had started sobbing. Reliving all of these memories, trying to speak of it, and taking it all head on had taken a massive toll on him, reducing him to a sobbing mess that just finally had enough. Josh couldn't control himself anymore. He knew it and didn't want to admit it, but he had hit complete, absolute rock bottom once again. Except this time, he didn't have Shmi to help him get through it. She was gone. One way or another, he had warded away the one person that had apparently loved him more than life itself. And he, in turn, had loved her more than he could possibly ever put to words. He took a shaky breath. Trying to recompose what was left. But the fact was that he had become a broken man. A fate he had tried to hide, but here it was, here and now. "Jason misses her. I see it in his eyes every single day. I have tried so hard to be the best father I can be for Jason, but I can never replace his mother. And for one reason or another, it is my fault that he has to go through that. And one day, he's going to realize that his mother's never coming back, and he's going to ask... And... And I..."

He paused a moment, and he realized that he was shaking. He was afraid. He was terrified. He was deathly terrified of the day that Jason would ask.

"I don't know what to tell him."

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

In another monologue, Josh revealed his suicidal mission to save his brother, taking extreme measures by corrupting himself. In the end, it hadn't mattered, as in a twist of irony, he had gotten his brother killed in the end.

The universe was funny like that.

She found this particular revelation troubling because he now had another Dark Sider he was pining over - Scherezade - while he was at a weak point in his life. Was she, in fact, a surrogate for Josh's brother? Would Josh repeat the same mistakes without intervention?

This story led to the current issue that seemed to be plaguing him most, that of the mysterious disappearance of his wife. She gave him no reason why, which made the split especially devastating.

She took her time making a response, trying to carefully navigate this emotional minefield just unloaded at her feet.

"On the mission for your brother...hindsight is 20/20, but I hope you have reflected on the absurdity of this plot and learned something from it. You allowed your personal vendetta with this Circe character (she didn't know who this person was, and up until now had no reason to look her up) and your love for your brother to cloud your judgment and then took the worst track to redeem him. However, the blame doesn't fall all upon you there, we have at least one enabler in this story."

"As for Shmi, maybe we'll never exactly know why exactly she left. Only she knows the real answer. The important thing is that you can't repeat the same mistake you made with your brother. You need to let go of the past and try to appreciate the things you have right now."

Jyoti was trying to be nice about it, but she had a good idea about why Shmi left. The pair didn't have a healthy relationship to start, and she felt that Shmi remained with Josh out of a sense of obligation, to protect the troubled man for himself. Maybe she couldn't do that anymore, or Josh had gotten to a point where she felt secure enough to leave.

Whatever the actual reason, she would respect the woman's reasoning, her respect for the Jedi Master unwavering.

"I'll posit this to you, though. Who's to say she isn't on her own personal mission like you were, not telling anyone anything? Did you trust her with your plan to save your brother? Regardless, the point is, that you can't keep beating yourself up over the past and other things you can't control. The same thing goes for Scherezade. Don't be surprised if she doesn't change. We make choices and have to deal with the resulting consequences. You may just have to let her deal with hers in the end."

"You don't need to tell Jason anything but the truth - she's just gone. Fortunately, he's young, so it'll be easy for him to get over her."

Jason would recover much quicker than Josh. This is exactly why the Jedi of the Old Republic had preferred taking in burgeoning Force Sensitives as infants and young children. They grew out of their attachments so easily at that age, when they still in flux.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh had implied it had been years ago that he'd made said mistakes. Before he'd married Shmi, to be exact. Long before he'd ever met Arisa Yune. Regardless, he listened to what Jyoti had to say, and just nodded his head calmly.

"I was a different man back then, when I underwent that mission. And it was during a time where I did not have the help I do now" Josh would admit. "I won't shy away from the fact it was reckless, nor that it was not the best course of action. I'd like to hope I'm a wiser man now."

Was he? He wasn't sure. He knew he'd never take that course of action again, after he'd experienced the risks and results, but... After years and years, he'd grown desperate at that point. Would desperation drive him again one day? Honestly, he wasn't all that sure. It was a question he would have to ponder over time.

"As for Shmi... I'd like to hope that. I really would. And I think part of me still holds on in case she does come back" He admitted quietly. "I've tried to move on from her, move past... Find someone else. But at the end of the day, I think deep down I'm afraid she'll return from some mission and find me with someone else. I don't want to do that to her. I'm fully aware she likely won't return. Wherever she went... Odds are she isn't coming back. But it's likely going to take time for that to truly settle in."

The Jedi let out a sigh. "I honestly don't want someone else. I've started to realize that lately. I thought this would be easy, once I started trying to date again. But... It's not. It used to be easy, bouncing back. But not this time. I wish more than anything that this was just all a dream, but then reality hits and it's real" He spoke calmly, though it was still fairly clear he was upset. "I think that's just something I have to work out myself over time.

And... Yes. She knew. She didn't know how far it went toward the end, though."

Truth be told, there were no problems between them that he knew of. The relationship had been a perfectly healthy one, up until Shmi suddenly grew distant in the final months without saying why and then left without so much as a reason given.

"But, overall... Yes. I understand" He spoke softly, with a gentle bow of his head. "Thank you, Jyoti."

At the least, he knew he didn't have to face this alone anymore. And that would make all the difference in the coming months.

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]

 

[Eugen Aker]

"You definitely can't wait on her forever. Whatever her reason for leaving, we all just have to deal with it and move on. However, I'd say it's her loss for walking on out such a great person without explanation."

She leaned forward to touch Josh on the back of his palm, then pulled his hand into hers for a soft squeeze.

"You're never alone. I'm always here for you."

One conversation wasn't going to solve all his problems, but she felt like they had made a great deal of progress none the less. At least he was talking, and she now had an idea of what was going on in his head.

They had been friends before, but now she had never felt closer.

"You're welcome, and thank you for trusting me with all this."

She let go of his hand and leaned back. He was free to go at that point if he wanted, or continue.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"I know."

He dropped his head a little. It was clearly something he was aware of, but was dreading. He had been with Shmi for how long? To throw that all away, even now, it didn't feel right. Even if she'd left without a given reason and didn't seem to be coming back, he just... Kept hoping. But that hope dwindled a little more each day. Would explain why it became harder and harder to cope with it.

He raised his head when Jyoti would take his hand and squeeze it, nodding his head then. While these issues were still present, at the least he knew that he could count on someone. He was glad she'd offered to hear him out, even if he'd gone on a bit too much. He just hoped he hadn't inconvenienced her any.

Once she would release his hand, he would take a deep breath and slowly rise to his feet.

"I had best return to work" He spoke with a respectful bow. "Thank you again... Jyoti."

With that, he would spin his heel and make his exit. He had a lot to think about.

[member="Jyoti Nooran"]