In A Heart Full Of Dust

[Aeron Zambrano]

“Oh, poodoo!”

Asaak frowned as she leaned down for the picture she had let fumble out of her hands and on to the ground in her haste. Flipping it back over she stared down at the image – a silly thing really, she thinks. She could see him more clearly in her mind than an image that couldn’t move, couldn’t talk to her. Hadn’t that always been her way?

She had a hard time believing that Moroi wasn’t alive. Their connection hadn’t weakened at all despite her choice to leave the Republic for the Silver Jedi, hadn’t been torn about the ravages of space and time. When she had learned of his disappearance, a slow and careful revelation dropped gently by the friends she’d left behind on Coruscant (and my, how times had changed), she had qualified it as just that. She refused to believe that if he had died that she hadn’t felt it. She would have felt it. (Right?) Since that day she’d traveled to Mindabaal, the last place he’d ever been heard from, in search of him. It was foolish – she knew that. Every time she subjected herself to the aura of the Sith, the planets they’d taken right from the Jedi without so much as a whisper of pain, she remembered what had happened to her. (She wrapped a lekku around her neck without thinking about it, covering the scar along her throat a Sith Lord had given her.) She was fully aware of the danger she was putting herself in every time she went out looking.

But she missed him.

Stuffing the picture in her pack she went over what she’d packed one more time.

It hadn’t been easy to make the decision to leave Voss, to leave the planet she’d helped the very Order she’d always thought she’d dedicate her entire life to behind. It had been hard enough continuing when Moroi had disappeared, but she could hear him berating her – pointing out how stupid she was being – by giving up just because he was gone. So she’d kept on moving.

But then Rasu had left too.

Asaak could still remember the first time she’d met her Master. She had been so nervous, so eager to impress and please and prove herself worthy of the Order but Master Gan had spoken nothing but kind words and set Asaak at ease almost immediately. And even through her stumbling, her little mess-ups and the times she was less than proud of herself that woman had picked her up and helped her learn from it. Asaak loved her, respected her, wanted to be like her – train another generation with the same values and peace and prowess. Where had she gone? Had Asaak done something wrong? Was she okay, wherever she was?

Her disappearance had been the final nail in the coffin. Asaak had forgotten her purpose – what it had even meant to her to be Jedi. So she was packing up to leave, putting her meager possessions in her bag to leave and set out looking for Moroi until she died in the process or found a higher calling.

She threw her bag over her shoulder, stopped in the doorway to her padawan’s quarters and took one last long, fleeting look (pushing down a lump in her throat, the part of her that begged to stay - this is all you've ever wanted Asaak, don't go now), and then moved out as quietly as she could towards the main hall and the doors to slip out in to the night and leave. She’d done it a few times before no problem when going to search for Moroi – she could only assume she wouldn’t run in to anyone else this time either.

[member="Iella E'ron"]​

 

[Coci Heavenshield]

[member="Asaak Tey"]​

​

​

Such a restless night.

Iella rose from her bed unable to sleep. The wash of bathroom basin water on her face did little to remove the issues of her mind, she looked into the mirror into her own eyes and tried in vain to find the problems let alone the solution. As she walked out of her quarters, the path of Iella's destination fell before here, the corridors silent and empty as she passed along them.

Her bare feet felt to cool soothing marble as she entered the main hall, in which the giant blue force infused crystal stood radiant in the centre, a sight that never failed to set her mind to awe. She remembered the day Master Gan had asked all Silver Jedi to come and give their light and life to the crystal, an experiment that had worked and now the blue crystal stood pulsing with force energy and to stand sentinel over the Jedi of the Order.

Iella approaced the main door feeling the cool air of the night touch her body, only dressed in night shorts and sleeveless top, the air felt amazing. However, there is more, the approach of another form of coolness. Behind her the presence of a Jedi she had not seen in some time, but the sense of the girl felt saddened and detached, a strong feeling of loss and loss of direction. Iella stopped and waited, not long as the girl came to view at the other end of the main hall.

Not to startle the girl, Iella moved to the large door and pushed it open to reveal the night, her body silhouette by the moon light, her long blonde hair flowing in the breeze which set her skin to bumps.

"Such a beautiful night for a walk, don't you think?". She said in a low voice as if in fear to wake the entire Temple.

 

[Aeron Zambrano]

She could see the doors, a gateway that elicited both a sense of relief and aching sadness. (You were meant to be here. You gave up everything you knew for this place. And now you’d leave? This is why the Jedi of old forbade love, romantic or otherwise. They knew it would rip you apart.) Only a few dozen more steps and she would leave the Silver Jedi Temple behind. She would always call them family, even if she didn’t deserve it.

Frozen, she paused in her tracks when she saw Iella move to the doors and open them wide, her easily recognizable head of hair branding her for Asaak instantly. She knew the Master from many days developing their new order, from building the temple alongside her though they’d never talked personally. Master Gan had always spoken highly of her, and that was all Tey needed.

She just wished she wasn’t seeing her now.

There was a tense moment as she tried to decide what to do with her pack – maybe she could leave it behind the force crystal, hide it there until she could convince Iella she truly was just going for a walk and could be left alone again to run. But that would be an insult to the woman’s intelligence – she hadn’t gotten where she was on charm alone. She would sense Asaak’s deception as easily as she had materialized and opened the doors.

Asaak didn’t believe in the will of the Force so much anymore, but she had to admit this was fortuitous.

Moving forward, she came to stand a little ways off from the Master, trying to sound nonchalant as she answered. “I do. I was planning to go for a rather long one.”

Please, please just leave it at that.

[member="Iella E'ron"]​

 

[Coci Heavenshield]

[member="Asaak Tey"]

"Asaak it is good to see you", she eyes fell on the pack the Padawan carried, "A long walk indeed". Iella turned and walked out onto the upper platform of the outer steps that would lead them down to the lawn. There is moisture in the air tonight which settled on her skin as the breeze brought it forth. "Come, let me accompany you on the first part of your journey tonight". And not waiting for her permission Iella bounded down the steps to the manicured grass on the lawns.

As Iella's feet touched the soft mowed grass she felt the tingle of tickle and she smiled, it had been ages since she had experienced such simple pleasures and her toes began to wiggle. "Oh come on Asaak you must take off your boots", she grinned.

A moment or two passed in silence after this, but Iella is very mindful of her saddened disposition. "I believe you are, were Master Gan's Padawan. You miss her .. yes? ... I miss her. A large part of the Silver Jedi heart and soul left when she did and she was a very good friend to me, without her we would not be here today", she continued.

Iella began to walk toward the peach orchard planted and tended by Master Whitelight, not only is it a place of much beauty especially when the trees are in bloom, but is it a peaceful place and strong with the presence of the force. Even on this moon lit night and the trees bare of blossom but rich with ripening fruit, the natural spendor is evident.

 

[Aeron Zambrano]

Once, Asaak would have followed after Master E'ron without hesitation, tossed her boots to the side first of anyone to join in the kind of carefree fun unique to Jedi. That the idea seemed foreign was troubling in itself as she watched the blond move down towards the grass.

After a blink or two, clearing her mind and convincing herself to connect to the Force and allow it to give her what remained of her peace, she slipped her boots off and shoved them in her pack with the rest of her things before slinging it back over her shoulder and moving down to join the Master. The grass was cool between her toes, softer than could be expected from its brownish hue – but then again, most things about the planet were kinder and gentler than they appeared at first glance.

She was just beginning to feel a shred of her old self when Iella mentioned Master Gan. “I do. I…I miss her every day.” The question seemed to dig right at where Asaak hurt most. And as they entered the peach orchard, surrounded by rows and rows of trees bearing fuzzy fruit almost ready for eating, Asaak mused on the fact that perhaps that was the point – Masters always seemed to know exactly what affect their words might have. She didn’t continue for another moment or so as small phosphor-bugs responded to their presence and came from within the thick leaves of the trees, casting a calming orange light over the grove as they walked. “She once told me that to be Jedi is not to shut oneself off from emotion, but to feel it and still do what is right. I’m afraid…that I can’t do that anymore. I’m afraid that my love for her is proof that I’m not ready – that I may never be ready.”

She could distinctly remember a conversation much like this one with Rasu after Asaak had been tortured by two Sith sisters – would she ever feel like her old self? Was she fit to be Jedi when she’d felt the distinct taste of rage, pain, the lust for revenge? Back then, Master Gan had told her what Asaak had just told Iella: emotion was normal, control was Jedi.

So was the fact she questioned herself so often proof she wasn’t fit to represent the Silver Jedi order?

She couldn’t bring herself to admit to Moroi. Not yet. She’d already admitted too much. Master Gan had always spoken highly of Master E'ron. She did not want to admit weakness in front of her.

[member="Iella E'ron"]​

 

[Coci Heavenshield]

[member="Asaak Tey"]​

​

In most situation such as this, Iella would quote and asked Asaak what her understanding of the first line of the Jedi Code meant to her. There is no emotion, there is peace. But not tonight.

"Tell me, what is your .. for want of a better word, definition of love?", she asked as she allowed on of the small phosphor-bugs to land on her outstretched hand. She had stopped to regard Asaak, knowing now her pack filled with her trinkets of goodbye.

"I agree with Master Gan .. to a point. Anger, hatred is something we all feel and on different levels and yes even the want for revenge. To feel these things is normal, in fact if you did not .. then I would be more worried. People think to be a Jedi is easy, it is far from that. It is this, our training and ability to 'control' emotions that sets us apart. There is more to being someone that falls to the darkness then simply waking up one day feeling hatred or anger over something and walking that dark path, if that is all it takes then we are all in danger. No, it is the recognition of such emotions, allowing such emotions and then seeking an alternative to the situation you find yourself facing".

She raised her hand and pursed her lips allowing a breath of air to encourage the bug to take flight once more. Love for Iella, is all about freedom, to love them and only want their happiness even if that happiness does not include you in their lives. A selfless love, that can be painful, a selfish love, that allows you the knowledge that they have someone in their lives that cherishes them above all others, .. yourself.

"Tell me what do you think of love?".

 

[Aeron Zambrano]

What did she think of love?

It was a question she’d never really put much thought in to. It had always come easy for her. She’d been a nurturer since day one, perhaps through the lessons of her species’ culture or the teaching of the Jedi Order – both, most likely – and love in all its forms had just been simple. Describing it seemed to water it down, but she would try.

She watched the bug float away and paused before answering.

“Love has always been a feeling to me, something you share with someone else, something unique to you and the other person. It’s when you would do anything to make sure that person is happy and safe.” She thought of the times Rasu had been in trouble, the more dangerous missions they’d taken, and how she would have gladly sacrificed herself to be sure that Rasu or someone else she felt for survived.

Like Moroi. Put all your cards on the table Asaak. If you’re leaving, Master Eron deserves to know why.

“I had – have a boyfriend. In the Republic. But he disappeared on a mission.” She paused. Calling him her ‘boyfriend’ sounded so trite, so silly. It had been deeper than some childish label. “I don’t know where he is, but I need to find him.”

[member="Iella E'ron"]​

 

[Coci Heavenshield]

[member="Asaak Tey"]

For a long time Iella regarded Asaak. There was no sense of misguided views or obsession but one of caring for those she loves, the heart of a Jedi. Slowly a smile formed on Iella's face as her eyes fell on the bag Asaak carried so closely to her body.

A long breath pushed through her nose as she considered Asaak plight. Iella will not stop her from leaving, if that is what she wishes because eventually Asaak would leave without a word and place herself in danger and that would be negligent of her.

"Then you must go", she said simply, "But not unprepared. As you stand before me Asaak you are ill equipt both with means and skill as a Padawan, it is something I can not allow without providing you with the needed experience and equipment to find you love".

She walked over to Asaak and place her hands on both her shoulders. "I also believe this is a journey you need to go on, but not yet. 'Arm' yourself first".

"You have already do much work around the Silver Jedi and worked to skill yourself through the force. I believe you were undergoing trials before Master Gan left us. Finish those first before you take your journey, you will be better prepared to face what you might find and I will give you the necessary things for you to complete this. The Silver Jedi manifest will be available to you when you go".

She looked into her young pretty face, "Jedi walk many paths, Asaak. To find their way to the light, it is never a given you must work for it, every single day of your life. Some force sensitive beings believe having the force is a weapon of power, which in essence it is, but they do forget they have been blessed by the force chosen to live a different life to most and become arrogant toward others. Even to their colleagues in some cases. The force is a thing of purity and beauty, even the dark side. Beings can do the most extraordinary things through the force, bad things but extraordinary. Equally, good things but extraordinary". She stopped now.

"I shall lecture you no more Asaak but you have a decision to make. If you choose to leave now I will not stop you, but it would be a mistake, finish your trials, become Knight and go find him"