In The Shadow of Family (Judah)

[Teynara Jeralyr]

Location: Jedi Temple, Voss.
[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

The return to Voss had felt muted to her: too many of the Jedi had been in a somber, reflective mood after the events that had followed their efforts on Malachor IV. Any successes they had in that former Sith space had been rapidly negated by the return of those that had once held dominion over those worlds, pushing the Jedi to one side and standing by as the Jedi had retaliated with atrocity of their own. No doubt many were reflecting on the loss of life and what those actions meant for the Jedi.

Teynara simply couldn't help but wonder what difference was between the Jedi and the Sith in the wake of such events.

She had retired to the vast sunken gardens that were dotted around the Temple, planted as they were in keeping with Voss tradition, which left buildings open and had spacious greenery in those places where it was fertile enough to plant it. In the autumn, this place would offer the most lovely brown hues, while in full bloom, the greenery was shocking on the eyes. The sense of peace such a view had always provided her had helped the Healer to find her inner centre, and in some ways reminded her of her training days back on distant Tython.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, she reflected mutely, her own thoughts wistful and perhaps a little darker than she cared for. We were supposed to come back happy with our success in cleansing a former Sith world. Instead, we gave it back to them, and killed millions on our way out. It was hard to understand what was happening to the Jedi Order, but she knew for certain that things had irrevocably changed in a way that could never be described as 'good'.

The only positive thing that had come out of any of it was Judah: a Padawan of troubled and conflicted mind that she had met on Malachor. He had gone looking for a fight, and she suspected one would quickly have found him, had they not had time to talk. Go to the Sith with aggression in your heart, and it will never leave again. She rather hoped they'd meet again once their business in Sith space was done: and, in truth, perhaps she needed his advice more than he would need hers. After all, does he not have better insight into the anger that drives us when bad things happen?

Right now, it felt like she needed to let some of that out, vent it in whatever means were available. Had her legs been functional, she'd have gone down to the training rooms and had a few hours of sparring practice, brush up on her lightsaber skills and burn off the excess emotional energy, get it out of her system. That wasn't an option available to her now, so she'd come here instead: perhaps a calming scene might help her to let go of the feeling that had gathered in her gut, like a fist gripping at her stomach with every intent to split her in two.

Something told her that she wouldn't be alone in feeling that way today.

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

Everything was a mess. Judah didn't know what to think right now. The Jedi were supposed to be peaceful, non-violent, well, not seeking violence. This was a lesson Teynara had helped Judah learn while on Malachor V. The Jedi had gone to the world looking for a fight, looking for a way to let out the aggression he had toward himself. Judah had come to hate himself for taking a life he could have avoided taken, but Tey had helped him realize the choice had really never been his. His hand had been forced, and what Judah learned about himself was that if it became necessary he could do what needed to be done.

The assembly had been worse. One of their own had committed genocide, and everyone knew it was wrong. Yet there was so much division. Of course the shadows wouldn't see it in the same way a healer saw it. Teynara had a perspective which had been new to Judah also. While it was clear from her what a Jedi was to be, her philosophy was much more balanced and fluid than what Judah had been used to. Everything was a journey, a process, but he was learning to embrace the parts of him which were dark, while walking in the parts of him which were light.

Today his senses led him to the sunken gardens which were scattered about the temple. They were beautiful and in many ways reminded him of the home he lost in Corellia. He was certain no one was watching him, so he quickly took his boots and socks off, and ran through the grassy parts in his bare feet. There was something magical about feeling the cool blades of green grass between his pale toes. A smile stretched across his face as a flood of good memories of a time which seemed so ancient rushed to the front of his mind.

His glee was interrupted by the sight of a familiar hoverchair. The golden locks which cascaded down the back of the woman sitting in it had given away who was sitting in the gardens. [member="Teynara Jeralyr"] had not taken the news of the genocide well, in fact she had been rather outspoken in the assembly about what it meant. Judah had remained quiet because who wanted to hear what a Padawan thought anyway, a masterless one at that. He stretched out with his aura, brushed against hers and felt the conflict within her. It brought a smirk to his face, a playful, cocky, Corellian smirk.

"I guess none of us are immune to facing the conflict that rages inside of us then..." he said as Judah came up behind her. He was certain she had sensed his aura when he brushed it against her to see how she had felt. "It's better to let it out sometimes. You don't have to keep it buried inside. That's just as dangerous as giving into what you feel."

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

A voice sounded behind her, masculine, strong, the tone of it thoughtful, but more relaxed than Teynara would have expected, given the heavy weight that still seemed to hang over the Temple at a time like this. And why wouldn't it? It's not every day we bear witness to such copious death and know we could have stopped it. Something told her that would be with them all for a while, but the owner of the voice speaking to her clearly wasn't letting it eat at him as much as perhaps the rest of the Jedi were. Perhaps the sole voice of sanity in this place today, the blonde reflected, her hand gently pressing against the control yoke of her chair and rotating it, causing her chair to turn in place and face the voice.

She ought to have known it was Judah. Should have sensed him coming, the Healer mused reflectively, but her own fixation on the dark thoughts that bounced around her mind had evidently distracted her. Something we're always warned against, but I don't think any of us are truly in the moment today. It was a hard thing to do, when the recent past held events of such strong moment. And all the regret, horror and anger that goes with it: the incoherent scream of helplessness that none of us could truly avoid now.

"Come to return some good advice, Judah?", Teynara asked softly, her voice low and gentle, her lame attempt at humour falling flat in light of her inner solemnity. It seemed perhaps she was the one that needed counsel this time, and JJ was the one carrying the words of wisdom this time. Once his own emotions are held in check, he's capable of drawing some good conclusions, she noted inwardly. "I think being a Jedi means you're always wrestling with the light and the dark, but it's not about being out there," she said, offering a negligent wave towards the sky. "It's always about who we are inside."

That was always the problem: Light and Dark needed each other to exist. Both liked to think of themselves as irrelevant opposites, something that might be squashed at any time in order to see the ascendency of the other, but both required the presence of the other. Without the light to cast a shadow, the darkness does not exist. Without the darkness, how would one see light? It was a simple question that she had felt needed an answer, one way or the other.

"I sometimes wonder if that's why the Order only used to teach children," she said in a reflective tone, sufficient to carry over to Judah, but otherwise barely beyond a whisper. "Many of them know only the light, and only learn of the darkness when they have been trained to push it aside, or fight it. The struggle of an adult first training as a Jedi is that they're used to the dark: the one inside them, and the one out there." Teynara had struggled with that perhaps far more than she should during her own training.

Still, it wouldn't do to continue such musing for the moment - the Order had always warned about giving your feelings too much leeway. They muddled the issue, distracted the mind, pushed one's concentration away from the productive and instead focused upon regrets of the past, anxieties for the present and fears for the future. A distracted Jedi, so the Masters had said, was an ineffective one.

"How are you, Judah?", she asked, eyeing the younger Jedi with a critical eye, pale-blue eyes narrowed slightly in appraisal. He appeared fine, but such things could be deceiving, as she'd discovered with him before. "How are things affecting you? It's oddly good to be home, isn't it?"

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

"Not really," he admitted with a smile. "I came to run barefoot in the grass," the answer ended as he pointed down to his feet and wiggled his toes. "It is good advice if I can say so myself. You need to just let it out, Tey." Judah wasn't exactly sure how a paraplegic was going to accomplish that, but he knew everyone had their ways. For him it would be bashing a lot of training droids into pieces with his lightsaber, letting his feelings out in a constructive manner. His former master would tell him to do his katas, but they rarely helped in dealing with deep seated frustrations. They were calming, they helped Judah find his center, but they rarely did anything to relieve the sour feelings which had displayed themselves on Malachor V.

Judah let Teynara just talk about whatever it was she was musing on. The philosophical reasons as to why Jedi taught children weren't so much of an interest to him right now as was the emotional well being of his new friend. She had helped him, and now he wanted to help her. Talking about why things were they way they were would only serve to frustrate her more than help. That was why she was in the gardens trying to be calm. Judah knew that nothing would change how things were now, and that was precisely why they didn't need to talk about that.

"I'm fine... and things are not hitting me as hard as they are you it seems. I know what happened was wrong, even with my struggles. In a way it feels good to look at that and say I am not like that. See, a bright spot," he said cautiously placing a hand on Tey's shoulder. Judah was never one to know when a touch would be welcome, even if it were offered in comfort. His lack of experience with the way women were, and how they thought, was certainly something that tended to make him shy even about the most innocent of things.

Was it good to be home? Her question pulled him out of whatever awkwardness that had settled in his mind. He removed his hand and looked away. "This isn't home, Tey, but it is the closest thing I have to it." Yes, Judah was emotionally attached to Corellia and the compound he had grew up on. The property had been beautiful, everything had been so perfect, and in a moment it was all stolen away from him. He did what he could to make Voss his home, but it would never be, not until he could come to terms with the fact his life was never going to be what it had been. It would be new, and Judah looked forward to it, but it would never be the same. In some ways he was still morning what he had lost in order to stand in the exact position he was standing in.

"I have a problem with getting too attached at times, but eh..." he looked back to Teynara, "It's who I am, and I wouldn't change it."

[member="Teynara Jeralyr"]

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

Barefoot in the grass? Interesting choice, though they had spent much time on a ruin of a world, where even the concept of grass had seemed alien. Teynara hadn't pegged Judah down as a man of such sensualism, but it was also true to say that she didn't know him well enough to be sure either way. Running wasn't a sensation that she suspected she would ever experience again - in truth, she didn't even remember how it felt. Tey couldn't begrudge the other Jedi that particular impulse. Why not?

Perhaps he had the right of it: that sense of recognising that he was not of the kind that would commit the sort of atrocity they had witnessed in recent days. But isn't that the mistake the Order has always made? Believing itself above these things, morally superior and untaintable? It hadn't been a Jedi that had ordered the bombardment, nor the one that had opened fire, but the ones who had were under command of the Jedi, and that disturbed her more than she cared for. We allowed this, she'd decided. We allowed such a taint to grow within the ranks of our trusted allies, and saw it only when it had gone too far to stop.

No matter his words, it still seemed as though Judah was struggling himself: not to come to terms with the Sith coming back into the picture, but rather still with himself. Is it possible to become too attached?, Teynara wondered in reflective repose. She knew that he struggled with it, found it hard to let go of the things that he formed a bond with - people most especially - but in times like this, it was hard to see it as a negative. After all, we all need the things close to us to keep us grounded when things go awry. The Jedi had a profound tendency of calling natural impulse 'wrong', and of late, she had felt herself questioning this.

"My parents used to say that we always carry our home with us," she remarked softly, tilting her head to look at Judah in an appraising fashion. "I got terribly homesick when I was at University. Didn't matter how interesting my studies were, or how many friends I had: I still felt astonishingly lonely sometimes," the young woman added. She'd been an adult when she had joined the Order, and the Jedi had been firm in trying to teach her to let go of those feelings. "I think part of being a Jedi is remembering the things we love and care for: it's that which we want to protect, even when it's all just a memory."

Teynara wasn't one of those conservative Jedi that broke contact with her past on joining the ranks: she still exchanged regular messages with her parents and her friends from University, as well as one or two of her professors, those that had been surprised to see her take such a direction after graduation. Think I managed to surprise just about everyone, she thought wryly.

"You spoke of your father before - the Jedi," the blonde noted, reflecting on their conversation back on Malachor, when she had felt Judah's emotions racing, needing expression much as hers had a few hours ago. He'd been itching for a fight, and yet now, when one seemed more readily available, he seemed calmer, better balanced. Interesting irony. "What of the rest of your family? Your Master? Where are they?"

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

"Maybe we do, and I've told myself that, but nothing will replace the place we had on Coronet Peak." Judah mused this might be the first time he mentioned that he was Corellian by birth and residence. Well he was half Corellian, but his upbringing was definitely Corellian. She wanted him to remember who he had loved, who he cared for, and that was the point of his struggle. The story was a rather long one, but neither of them were going anywhere. He already knew from their time on Malachor that Teynara was genuinely interested in the story. She would not have asked otherwise.

He may have envied her getting to go to university. The young twenty something Padawan had missed out on things others who were not raised by a Jedi father had gotten to experience. Becoming a Jedi was almost a certain thing for Judah, but he didn't mind that bit. He craved the adventure that he heard from his father's stories. It wasn't until recently that the reality of how expensive those adventures could be had taken their early toll. Judah was paying the price every Jedi had to pay.

Judah took in a deep breath and let out a slow sigh. "It's a long story, but the short version is I abandoned them to a degree. The long version..." Judah said as he sat on the grass and crossed his legs, "I was raised on Corellia by my mother, and my father would teach me a few things here and there when he was home. He was absent a lot in the early years. My mom would always tell me I was her piece of him when he was gone. My master was his best friend, a Twi'lek, named Cambria Zadira. She taught me after my father came home with a street orphan from Denon. Sasha was force sensitive and we were raised together on the compound."

"After a few years of that, Sasha had grown restless, so Cambria took her on her missions to see the galaxy. She had been like a sister to me. One day she came came back, the parents weren't home, but she'd grown, I'd grown... one thing led to another... she wanted me to leave everything behind, but I've never been as free spirited... she left when I couldn't leave without waiting to tell my parents what I wanted to do. I loved her, but she saw it as rejection. Life goes on though, and I threw myself into my training."

"I returned to Voss with my father and began to take part in their missions. I met a gorgeous Antarian Ranger while we helped free the Antar system from the oppression they had been under. We met again on Dac, Mon Cal... That's where I killed the Sith. She would have killed Kait, more... so I killed her instead. We started traveling together after that, humanitarian efforts for the Silver Jedi mostly. I just could never get over what I had done... that had been the first time I've killed anyone. It haunted me so I left everything behind. I went to find myself I guess, and you ran into me on Malachor. I haven't seen my family since...."

It was long way to say he didn't know what they were up to. At this point the young Jedi wanted to be his own person. The word was new to him now, and he wanted it to stay that way. It was a heavy price to pay, but chance to be his own person for once, it was freeing. "I told you I get too attached sometimes... I'm a sucker for pretty faces apparently..."

[member="Teynara Jeralyr"]

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

It amused Teynara to think of Judah practically describing himself as a womaniser, though that was a description that was both too simplistic and unfair to him. The way he'd spoken of both the women in his life had made it clear enough the level of affection he'd had for them: ultimately both times he had found himself cast adrift in some fashion, left to figure things out for himself when the parameters shifted and he no longer had a sense of what his next move should be. Strange to imagine that you have so much support and yet stand alone. That impression was one she certainly had, listening to him with all the patience she could summon.

Another might have taken opportunity to condemn his emotional impulsiveness, perhaps scold him for getting himself involved in relationships that only served to compromise him somehow. Teynara couldn't see it that way, though: though many orthodox Jedi had issues with such bonds between people, to her, they were natural, appropriate means of expressing yourself and helping an individual to find a natural emotional balance that pushed beyond repression. Judah's just been unfortunate in those that he's had: difficult relationship with his father, bad habit of hooking up with the wrong women. She couldn't blame him for any of that, and it would have been wrong to do so.

"Nothing wrong with being attached to people, Judah - if the Force wanted us aloof and above such things, we would be so," the young woman remarked, brushing away a stray hair that had drifted across her face. "I think the Jedi teach those principles incorrectly, if I'm honest," she added, knowing that she was teasing herself into territory she tended to avoid: disagreeing with the Masters.

"Building relationships is a vital component of the formation of stable mental health. Where we go wrong is in that we teach non-attachment: that we must let go of relationships, or never form them in the first place," Teynara observed, shaking her head in a whirl of blonde locks. It had always exasperated her to discover that otherwise intelligent and wise individuals could make such childish mistakes. If I don't love anybody, they can't hurt me, and I won't be distracted by them. "I think the best thing to do is approach every relationship the same: enjoy it, but be willing to set your fears of it aside when you need to. If you're worrying for the people you care about, you'll be the one in danger."

Not that she could talk, really: love was something that happened to other people. Her focus had always been on everyone: being the daughter of medics and a Healer in her own right had left her to feel that every life was precious, but in some respects, very much unremarkable: they needed patching up, seeing it, sometimes even saving, but sometimes it was hard to feel anything outside such a clinical mindset. Certainly she wasn't apt to finding herself in love, the way Judah had done. Sometimes blessing, sometimes curse. So far, it wasn't something she felt the need to worry about.

"So what's your next step?", she asked, turning her thoughts once more to Judah, and less focusing on his relationship troubles. They clearly had an effect on him, but perhaps pushing his mind along a different path might distract him from it. "Unless you're going to go find more Sith and start some trouble there, you presumably have an idea of what you're going to do now we're back on Voss?"

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

"I know," he answered with a clear tone. Judah picked a piece of grass out of the ground and began playing with it lazily. For whatever reason the grass just made this place feel like home. He knew it wasn't the same, or the natural environment, but he knew the feeling, and it was the same. Judah knew he needed to let his guard down and let the place speak to him. He needed to let Teynara close. Judah was just afraid of the same pattern happening all over again. Like he said he was a sucker for a pretty face.

The Padawan was convinced he didn't have a good grasp on what love was, even though his parents had shown exactly what it was. The sacrifices they made for each other were not ones others were willing to make. Maybe in the end the sacrifices Judah had made were for love as well, but could he really say that. He had abandoned everyone he said he cared for, and yet there was the sense they were not in danger because of him. Well, all but one. Judah would never forget the painful and emotionally charged way Sasha had chosen to break their bond. He'd felt it across the galaxy it was so harsh.

"I don't know what's next, but I'm not sure rushing off to face aSith is the right choice," he teased as he stuck his tongue out at the woman in the hover chair. "I'm here now, and without a master. I guess the next step is to find one, then finish training. Despite the difficult relationship we had early on, I still want to be a Jedi Knight as my father had been. He even made it to master before he decided to retire. The potential for me is there. I just need to find the right path for me yeah?"

Focusing on learning was what he needed to do for now. Most of his skills were complete, but he needed guidance. Judah was not ready for the moniker of Jedi Knight. Perhaps the skill was there, but his mind was not. Until he could be confident in who thenforce had made him to be, only then would he be ready. It was a reluctant step he was about to take, but he needed someone he could trust.

"Will you help me?"

[member="Teynara Jeralyr"]

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

Rushing off to face the Sith would definitely have been the wrong choice - Teynara had absolutely no doubts on that score, and had a sneaky feeling that Judah would not survive such an encounter, if that moment came. True, she knew little of his capabilities, but she had her own fair level of experience with those dark counterparts, and their skills and ruthlessness were such that she didn't imagine that many Jedi could stand toe-to-toe with them and walk away in one piece. And those that do are never truly whole again.

Judah had experienced this himself: having to take life and finding himself irrevocably changed by it. The war between Jedi and Sith had many casualties, but innocence and the ability to look in the mirror without seeing a killer would always be among the most common. None of us can truly claim to be immune to the effects of it. Even she, who was only a victim and no conqueror, yes, she felt it, too. The draw of aggressive stirrings, whispering of retribution and the ascendency of those that would overcome both their fear and those that opposed them. Give in, that silent voice would whisper. Surrender to what you could be, and you will gain.

Something told her that such a thing was a trap of monumental proportions.

That which Judah had asked her raised a few different shadows. Teynara knew that her...limitations meant she could not teach someone to their fullest potential: she would ever be unable to offer guidance with a lightsaber, or in the acrobatic arts. No running and jumping for her, no adrenaline-pumping adventures where the difference between death and survival was the merest heartbeat. What could she really offer a student like Judah?

"I do want to be of help to you if I can be, Judah," she said softly, her expression solemn and perhaps a little withdrawn. His question was in earnest, and the blonde knew that the Padawan needed to find where it was he belonged: the shadow of past mistakes hung over him, as did that of his father. To be the child of an illustrious Jedi, with the expectations to achieve great things in turn...that's a great deal of pressure. She was thankful no such path was laid out for her. "I don't know if you'll find your path, but if I can give you a nudge along those lines, I'll do just that," Teynara continued, her tone sincere. "I can't offer you any promises, though, other than that I'll do my best."

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

Judah nodded. He didn't need her promises, or her physical instruction. He'd learned the skills he could for now in regards to what he could do physically. Both Judah and Cambria had been excellent duelists and Judah had learned from them both. His skill in those areas was not lacking, and it had been that instruction which kept him alive when he had faced off with the Sith.

"I don't need your promises, Tey, just your guidance," he said with a smile as he stood and brushed some loose soil off the backside of his pants. "You're the first person I've actually let past whatever facade I've kept up the past few months, and so you're the only one I trust to let speak to me in that capacity. I know the fact I am more combat focused makes the request an odd one, but the force brought you to me for a reason. I want to know what that reason is."

His motive was transparent enough. Judah didn't ignore the fact certain things would mean he would have to seek other teachers, or go to whomever Tey thought best. Regardless, Judah knew this was right. Whether this was a formal master and padawan relationship or not, Judah wanted Tey to be a mentor, a friend... someone he could be close to. Whatever that looked like wasn't his concern. Judah knew he'd been foolish to try and find his path alone, and he was not going to limit himself to his family any longer.

"You are still heavily bothered by what happened though. I hate to be blunt, but you can't change it, and dwelling on it won't help. You've helped me see my folly, now, what can I do to distract you from yours? I have a hunch the force brought us together because you need me as much as I need you."

[member="Teynara Jeralyr"]

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

She couldn't fault Judah's logic on either score - it was clear enough to Teynara that he understood the consequences of what he was asking, the limitations their relationship would have, at least until she found some way to overcome the paralysis that had left her confined to her hoverchair. Given the confidence behind his words, it was more than likely that he was the better lightsaberist of the two of them anyway, so what little she might have to teach him undoubtedly would stem from other areas. And I rather think I can cope with that.

Training was a very different proposition when you were the one providing the instruction, though. That much would probably be a harder adjustment: teaching, as she often did, was simple enough, because it could be approached clinically, with relationships between the participants only being relatively brief and lacking in depth. To train a student to Knighthood requires a deeper level of bonding, though. Did she really want to share her feelings with someone else? To express her pain, her frustration, to acknowledge outwardly to another being that she kept herself so focused on her work purely because she felt otherwise trapped? That would take a lot of work.

But Judah had asked her to take a leap of faith with him: they'd already worked together to look through some of his issues, and though there were undoubtedly more, he'd not run when she offered to talk it through, hadn't rejected her, and had given her insight into what lay behind his actions. Put simply, he trusted me. Can I do anything less for him?

"I don't know if we'll ever figure out the reasons for all of this," she said tiredly, fatigue suddenly slamming into her as she felt some of those barriers in her mind melting away with conscious effort, as though she was letting out a breath that she had been holding for some time. "We all speak of trying to understand the Force, but something tells me that it's sometimes better just to accept it than try and question it. Probably less frustrating that way," the blonde added with a faint smile.

As a scientist, she'd struggled with that for a long time: this notion that some greater force might have some influence over her life above and beyond her own choices. Even that: that it might manipulate those choices without her knowing about it. Part of that scared her, left her feeling naked and vulnerable, even though the Force had never acted to harm her. Just goes to show that we all need to feel in control of our lives, she thought with resignation.

"You're not wrong about me, Judah," the Jedi continued, her expression solemn, tone weary and carrying shadows of her frustration. "I didn't become a Jedi to sit back and watch as cities were obliterated by our own. But nor did I sign up to a war that spiralled out of control before our grandparents were ever conceived," Teynara noted, remembering echoes of her conversations with Leos on that same topic. He called it, didn't he? That it was only a matter of time before the atrocities got worse. "You're a warrior, trained to stand on the front lines and put a permanent stop to those who oppose peace. But you also know what it is to take life, and how it warps your feelings, pushes you onto a wrong path. I can't help but thinking that perhaps the cycle of violence has pushed us all there, irrevocably."

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

Could anyone understand the force? Judah wasn't sure that was possible, but one could understand the reasons behind why the force brought certain situations about. Perhpas JJ wasn't Corellian enough to believe there was no such thing as luck or destiny. His time as a Jedi made him believe in both. Some things just boiled down to luck, others destiny, and life was a combination of both. Judah also believed that one could choose to follow their destiny or reject it. That meant certain things were assumed, like one knew what their destiny was. JJ wasn't sure he knew his... not like he once thought he did anyway.

"You're right on that note I think," JJ answered with a smile. It was certainly more freeing to not spend his life searching for whatever it was he was supposed to do. At the end of it though, he still wanted confidence that he was walking in whatever the force willed for his blink of an existence.

He listened as Tey explained what she was thinking, how she was thinking it. Her thoughts were going to lead her to a bad place if she kept to them. Judah just shook his head. While he agreed with her, he also disagreed with her. Yes, they had not joined the Jedi to watch as their own committed the same genocide the Sith were accused of, but they were not part of some long standing war. Judah had never viewed his role as such.

"Light and dark pull at us equally, Tey. As much as you suggest we need them both, when you look at nature they do not wish to co-exist. In the day the sun gives light and casts a shadow, but where is the darkness? At night we use the stars, moons, lamps to let us see into what we could not otherwise. Until you can resolve the lesson that nature itself gives us, I'm afraid your feelings on the subject are going to be clouded."

Judah was certain he was looking the blonde in the eye as he spoke. His words were meant to help, but also show the place from where his own struggles were born.

"The butcher, as people are calling her, she did what she did desperate to win because that was her nature. It was a desperate attempt to do what the sun does at day... rid the places it touches of darkness leaving behind nothing more than a shadow. You aren't feeling the ripples of a war that someone else started. You're simply clouded by the actions of one, and those who seek to resolve this differently. You're a healer, and so you seek to bring and preserve life in all you do. It is admirable to think that would do what is right regardless of where a person aligned themselves. I am a fighter, and I will fight evil in whatever form it takes."

A sigh was let out as Judah decided some silence was needed. He certainly hoped his words were taken as they were given, and not as some kind of chastisement.

"Trust in the force... everything will be as it should. If the Jedi are wrong then it will be exposed, however, if the Jedi are wrong then so are the Sith. Just keep that in mind."

[member="Teynara Jeralyr"]

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

That's just it, Judah, Teynara reflected, given thought to what Judah was saying. I think they're both wrong. That conclusion felt inescapable to her now: she had joined the Jedi Order to save lives and to learn about her own natural gifts, that quiet whispering in the back of her mind that said things were not as she believed them, and learn she had. And the more I learn, the more I feel we're making a mistake. There was something indescribably wrong about how things were progressing.

True, she'd never considered herself an orthodox Jedi: her own training had been far from conservative, and every one of her experiences had naturally been filtered through her skeptical scientist brain. The ability to simply give herself over to the Force had often eluded her: it felt like a struggle between the side of her that failed to accept it, and the other which knew fully well that it was there and wanted her for some purpose. That's what the Order teaches, isn't it? That we're all servants and conduits of the Force, and we serve its will, to protect and preserve life as best we can.

The Sith were wrong, that much she knew for certain: how could it be otherwise, when their goals often collided heavily with the freedom of life and expression that all beings had a right to? They dealt out death wherever they saw fit, embracing the pain of it and accepting that life was both fragile and sometimes necessary to destroy. And that's not my path at all. They'd tried to kill her, and put her in this damn hoverchair, a cripple with scars both physical and emotional.

"Sometimes to fight is to lose yourself, Judah," the blonde offered with a soft sigh, moving to rest her chin in the palm of one hand. "You learned that on Malachor, didn't you? You can't fight the darkness without being enveloped by it: it will taint everything that you are, and suddenly all you are is the fight, the will to drive away the darkness outside of you, even as it grips at you inside."

She felt that with certainty: well-remembered fury of her own had shown her that firsthand. Confined to a bed, then a chair, unable to move by my own power, furious at what had been stolen from me by someone who had no right. Oh, yes, she'd been angry. Had the Sith stepped into her path then, before she had felt recovered enough to find her centre, yes, she'd have struck out, killed them, then gone looking for more. And what would have come back from that would not have been me. It would have only been my rage, my pain, my anguish, and the will to destroy. That was the dark as it had spoken to her: Judah, she was certain, had heard that call clearly enough on Malachor.

His words about the two being unable to co-exist felt wrong, too - she could well see the wisdom in his metaphor, and understand where he drew his conclusions from, but Teynara felt that it very much reflected that sense of one-sidedness that had dragged the Order into war time and again. The duty of the light is to destroy the dark. That wasn't right - if it was true that the Force possessed both sides, it felt unlikely to imagine that it would permit this if it weren't a proper and natural state. And perhaps we're the ones that are flawed, and that light and dark exist within the Force as all things do: part of itself. If we destroy that, win the fight against the darkness, do we not destroy the Force as it is?

"Is that how you see yourself?", she asked, raising an eyebrow inquisitively. "Are you destined to continue fighting with the darkness for the rest of your life?" The blonde woman sighed again, lowering her hand to the armrest of her hoverchair, her expression mildly perturbed. "How will you know peace when all you know is war, Judah?"

 

[Judah Lesan Jr.]

"I did not say I would fight darkness, but rather evil," Judah clarified as soon as Tey had stopped speaking. The young Jedi was not foolish enough to think that evil could not take on the form of both light and dark. This wasn't a discussion of light and dark in his mind as it was good an evil. Where he differed from most Jedi was the fact he accepted absolutes as the Sith tended to do. One thing could not be both good and evil. It was one or another. While he accepted that light cast a shadow, he also believes one could tell what a thing was by its fruits. What did a thing produce.

There are many good people who fight because they called to do so. I think what happened on Korriban is enough to show that evil can take on the appearance of light. Most Jedi would not hear me say this, but light and dark does not take the conversation to the source. Whether a thing is good or evil is what we must see. I am aware that there are those among the Jedi that wish to see morality as something which is gray, but the longer I live the more keenly aware I become that a thing cannot be both right and wrong. There is no part of what happened on Korriban that was right."

Judah sighed. In his attempt to help Teynara he was beginning to get frustrated. Not because he didn't agree with what she said, but the opposite. There was truth to her words, and he knew that those words were not exactly what the Jedi taught. The truth was she did see both Jedi and Sith as wrong, and what troubled Judah was that he could not disagree at this moment. Of course this was all generalities at the moment.

"I am a warrior, a fighter, a builder, a doer. It is who I am. War can lead to peace, and the same is true in the opposite, peace can lead to war. It is a inevitable cycle that is perpetuated by human nature. Change nature, and you can change the cycle. As long as they cycle exits there will always be those like me who fight, and do, and those who do not. They mend, they heal, they think, look to change the soul. Both need each other."

[member="Teynara Jeralyr"]

 

[Teynara Jeralyr]

[member="Judah Lesan Jr."]

Need each other? That seemed to be a truism playing out here, too: Judah needed her guidance to complete his training, and it seemed that Teynara needed his in turn. A warrior and a healer, working together. Perhaps he's right in that respect. At least, in some respects, they would at least serve to shore up each other's weaknesses: Judah could go where she could not, and she would be able to serve as conscience for them both. At least enough to let him know where he's hurting himself and his training.

"Perhaps such musings are what pulls us off track," she noted openly, resting back against her chair so as to reduce some of the fatigue she was feeling trying to sit forward. Ridiculous that such a thing can tire me out, but there it is. "I remember some of the Masters teaching me that thought and emotion are all distractions, something that pulls us away from the Force rather than towards it." Teynara offered the slightest of shrugs, as if to say she didn't imagine that presented them with any easy answers.

"My favourite metaphor was always that of the empty jug," the blonde continued, offering a slight sigh of relaxation as she felt herself better melting into the cushions that propped her up. "Our bodies serve as a conduit for the Force, a jug into which that energy flows. If we fill it with our minds, adding our turbulent emotions or complex thoughts, we leave little room for the Force." She smiled faintly, ever-amused by the idea of it - one that sounded ridiculous on the surface, but one she could hardly discount. "Empty ourselves of such, and we give room for the Force to flow. Only when we let go of ourselves, our ego, can we truly become a conduit of the Force. We master it through mastering ourselves."

The scientist side of her found it all very hard to accept, and she knew that to be a flaw in herself: a thing which had ultimately stopped her advancing to the extent that many of her peers had done, leaving her a mediocre Force User and a crippled Jedi. Made all the more surprising by the fact that Judah would want me as a teacher, really. He probably had more power in his little finger than she did in her entire body, so part of her wondered what she might offer him that he didn't already have available to him, but that would be for the two of them to figure out together.

"The big question for us both is where do we go from here?", she asked, somewhat rhetorically, knowing that neither of them likely had an answer just yet - it was too early to know, at least to her mind. Perhaps Judah's had plenty of time to think about it, though, so he may have answers that I do not. The irony was amusing, to say the least. "Certainly we should focus less on the bigger picture, for now, and more upon your training. You can't go fighting evil out there until you're ready in here," she added, reaching across her chair to poke him playfully in the chest.