Private It Happened After

[Gerwald Lechner]

A W K W A R D​

WEARING: xxx
TAG: Palm-Imer

Gerwald woke as the sun flashed across his eyes. The lupine found himself in his personal quarters on the ship he had arrived in when he and his squire Palm attended the festival on Har Binande. The wolf did not remember how he had gotten there. His memory tried to recall the events of the night, but the last thing he could remember was the toast he had made with Palm and the Nightmother Vytal Noctura. The alcohol had gone down smooth, whiskey being his preferred drink when mead was not available. Something had been funny about it, but most of the night after had been a blur.

His large form clung to the sheets of his bed for a moment. As he tugged them closer, a slight draft could be felt. He stretched, a large yawn pulling cold air into his lungs. Groggy and unaware the lupine threw the sheets back and stood out of the bed. Scratching his head the wolf walked past the clothes which were strewn about the floor. It did not strike him as odd as Gerwald typically did not sleep with clothes on.

The morning routine was simple. Gerwald found a pair of sweatpants and went about cleaning the clothes off the floor. What struck him as odd was that it became clear certain articles of clothing did not belong to him. In fact the more Gerwald cleaned from the floor the more he recognized the outfit. It belonged to his squire Palm.

Gerwald could feel the blood drain from his face as his heart began to beat furiously. Turning back to look at the bed, the lupine hoped he would not find the woman sprawled out and twisted among the sheets he had left behind. His eyes almost lost their color when the one thing he had hoped not to see became reality.

The events of the night suddenly began to flood back into his mind. Something had been in their drinks. Neither could taste it or smell it, but the effects had been felt without knowing it. Gerwald had found himself pursuing Vytal, and Palm had as well. The Nightmother had offered a third solution, why not share. Sharing is exactly what must have happened.

Gerwald dropped the clothes back onto the floor as he made his way to the caf machine which was in a small kitchenette. The lupine busied himself with the task of making sure there was enough caf to clear the fog in his head, and buy the time he needed to try and figure out how he was about to approach what had happened. Of all the people, his apprentice, Palm, had been the one still in the room. It would have been much less awkward had no one been there, but now…

His mind raced with all of the reasons why this was not a good thing. It was whatever had been in their drinks, he knew it, but still… Gerwald was always intentional. He may have caused a mess when he first arrived to the Confederacy, but he had chosen to be with those women. Gerwald had made a choice of which of the women he wanted to be in a relationship in when it came time to choose. The wolf had avoided finding himself in a similar situation, and in fact, he had refused the company of other women entirely. His heart belonged to another, and crushed him that someone could so easily slip something into his drink, and it caused him to act irrationally.

Despite popular opinion, this was not who Gerwald was. He did not just randomly sleep with anyone.

Especially her!

“Chit chit chit chit…” Gerwald said several times over while running his hands through his hair. “The frak am I gonna say now?”

He was talking to himself, but he knew they would have to face this. Palm was not dumb, and she would catch on herself once she woke up… if she wasn’t awake already. Gerwald had to walk back into the room, and he had to face this. He just hoped that whatever had happened he did not ruin his chance to teach Palm and keep the promise he had made to her. The lupine only felt an overwhelming sense of guilt as he carried two mugs of caf back to the room where he found the geminaie awake and sitting up in the bed.

“Frak.”

Gerwald grumbled under his breath. The caf was set on the nightstand next to the woman. He had no idea what to say, or even how to say it. For a moment the lupine refused to look at Palm. Both of them would know with just one look. Their eyes could not lie to each other, and Gerwald was afraid of the truth he would find in hers, or things she would find in his.
​

 

[Palm-Imer]

G U I L T​

TAG: Gerwald Lechner

It had been a long time since she had last managed to fall into such a deep sleep.

These days, Palm's mind never stopped rushing, not even when unconscious, but last night seemed to have become the first exception since the day she woke up inside a bacta tank after Roon. Peaceful, dreamless - or so she thought, every now and then there was a familiar voice, a pair of eyes that by now she knew just as well as she did her own. When she awoke, it happened slowly. The pictures and the sounds began to fade away, giving way to the feeling of warmth around her, and the cold air on her face.

That peaceful awakening would not last for long.

Before opening her eyes the geminaie found herself reaching towards the other side of the bed, something within her that was not yet fully awake trying to find someone. Emptiness. Her brow furrowed slightly, confused by her own action and the sudden sense of realization and dread that followed, although she did not know why. Palm opened her eyes, lips falling apart and the pupils of her eyes narrowing as the feeling became memories and the muddling veil of sleep became awareness.

No. No. No. No.

She sat up as though a lightning bolt had suddenly hit her...Kark. The first emotion was shock, the second one followed soon after and it was guilt. The objective side of her mind did not take long to put two and two together, one drink and all three of them apparently lost control of whatever it was that happened afterwards, but still she could not bring herself to find it redeemable.

Ever since the day they gave words to what they had kept silence, Palm had tried to learn to make her peace with leaving them be. She remained by his side almost constantly, like any apprentice should, and her bond to him grew and went beyond the feelings she held for him - even if she could not feel it through the Force. That made her happy, the closeness they had. If only she could say the same of the torture that was fighting the neglected side of those feelings. She longed for him, and she knew how dangerous that was for them both. To everything they wanted to stand for and uphold.

And now, she had failed once again.

Her eyes then focused on herself, a black t-shirt that was way too big to be hers covering her body. Of course, she immediately knew who its owner was but could not remember how she'd come to wear it. For a moment all she wanted to do was disappear, and her mind even gave consideration to the speeding idea of pulling whatever item of clothing she could find first over her frame and then sneaking her way out of there before anyone could come back. If only to avoid the awkwardness of it all and let the ocean of emotion that was building within her drown her while in solitude.

But that simply wasn't an option, was it? Not when it came to them.

She bent her legs, elbows resting over her knees and hiding all of her face into the palms of her hands. It was then that he walked in, and her heart fell like a rock into her stomach. She could not look at him, and they both knew why. The Force could certainly be cruel sometimes. For some time she remained silent in that position, engulfed by the oversized shirt that - to add insult to injury - brought some intimate form of comfort. What kind of evil game was it that would have her rue herself for last night's events and at the same time tug at her heartstrings to draw her near to the one man she could not allow herself to love in the way she did?

Knowing no amount of shielding herself would remove them from the situation, Palm allowed her hands to fall to her lap, dark brown hair cascading down her shoulder. Keeping her golden eyes locked on the bed and then the nightstand, she did her best force a small smile into her lips - one that still looked broken and filled with conflict. Her hand reached towards the cup of caf, and Palm's voice followed as soft as a whisper, insecure and defeated. "Thanks, Ger." In those perilous moments when she had not been able to keep her mind from wandering to the idea of mornings like this one, this was not how she had imagined them.

​

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

A W K W A R D​

WEARING: xxx
TAG: Palm-Imer

“Thanks, Ger.”

He took in a deep breath as Palm took the caf. As he sat on the bed, Gerwald looked out the durasteel window. He did not have to look in her direction to know she was not looking at him. Their bond was such that nothing escaped him anymore. Even the way she had thanked him for the caf had been dripping with detail that no one else could have picked up. This was not like the time on Stewjon when an innocent night had been spent by the fire in a cabin that had been Gerwald’s escape when he shifted. It had not been like the time they had been in each other’s arms to remain warm on a cold night in a damp cave on Palm’s world.

This was much different.

Gerwald was not even sure he could say the night had not been innocent. Their drinks had been drugged, he knew that now. The lupine kicked himself mentally for not knowing. Odorless and tasteless formulas were not something the lupine could discern even with his heightened senses. Yet, there had been nothing about the night which was innocent.

Both of them had feelings they could not deny. It was not that they had either, but they refused to explore them. The lupine had made a promise to another, and he was not one to break his promises. His heart belonged to another, and the fact something as easy as a spiked drink could cloud his mind bothered the wolf. The details of the previous night were still missing. There was enough for him to put the pieces together, however.

Gerwald sipped his caf.

Slowly.

Each breath was labored. They would pause long enough as though the lupine was about to say something, but then a sigh would follow. Guilt overtook him as his eyes did not move from the place out the window he had found to stare at. This was not fair to her. It was not fair to him. Gerwald felt guilty because whatever choice he had was gone. He felt guilty because part of him knew she was as confused and feeling just as guilty as him, that she needed him to tell her it would be okay. Gerwald wanted to tell her. He wanted nothing more to turn and look her in the eyes so she would know.

He could not.

The lupine sighed again as he took another sip of his caf. He turned to face her, but his eyes looked away, looking past her. It only compounded his guilt. Gerwald couldn’t look at her because he was afraid. He was afraid that one look would be all she needed to see that part of him regretted they had not been sober, that they could not remember what had happened. Gerwald was afraid that one look would tell her that he was disappointed in himself for putting her in this position.

They would do anything for the other, but right now all Gerwald could feel was that somehow he had betrayed both promises.

“I…”

He couldn’t finish. He could not look at her.
​

 

[Palm-Imer]

C O M F O R T​

TAG: Gerwald Lechner

The cup sat nestled between her hands, it was not hot enough to burn but enough to cause discomfort, and that feeling alone seemed to be the only thing keeping her thoughts from spiraling completely. Before Gerwald had entered the room the geminaie had allowed herself to entertain the hopeless thought that perhaps it had all been a bad dream, and yet the second that their eyes would not meet she was left with no other option but facing another reality that she would have rather not.

Guilt, frustration, disbelief...they all wreaked havoc through her as she sat still on the bed, letting a silence that had now become heavy and daunting linger between them. Palm embraced the guilt that came with knowing they had done something they should not have, but then there was the wounding thought that a part of her did not really regret it in itself, but rather how it had happened. She did not want to allow herself that, feeling like it had not been wrong, and it only fed the guilt.

She had promised herself there would be no more broken boundaries since that day aboard the Bastion when she finally let him hear the things he had only been shown. There could not be, for otherwise she feared the feelings that kept on within her heart would become too much. And yet here they were now, and Palm did not need to look at him to know he too understood the gravity of the situation - even if she was afraid of everything else that she could possibly find behind his icy blue eyes. And so the only option left were words, a small shiver ran down her spine when she heard him mutter something to stop right away.

And that tension kept on building within her. What now? What could they possibly say?

Whenever a word began forming it took nothing more than a second for it to become knotted and disappear. It was a strange kind of torture, for the person who could bring the most comfort to also be the one whom she felt she should not seek it from. But right now the feeble balance she so carefully kept between those two was shifting - for when there were no understanding looks, no words that could make sense, and the storm of emotion threatened to rip her apart, what was left but the one thing that had never failed its purpose? The one thing that no matter how much conflict it could bring after, had always granted them a moment of peace.

Everything could crack, all it took was enough pressure. She could not let it.

Her eyes didn't leave that random place they had focused on while her hand moved, putting the untouched caf back on the nightstand where it had originally been. The amber gaze glided softly to the ground as she moved to stand, still remaining away from his as a light curtain of unshed tears began gathering in them. Palm reached for his own cup, gently whisking it away from his hold and placing it alongside hers. Then she gave in. Her hands found his, lacing their fingers together for a brief moment before Palm took a step back. She allowed herself to fall back into the bed, bringing him with her.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, face nuzzling into the crook of his neck and away from his eyes as she felt the welcomed relief that always came with their closeness, the two trails of frustrated tears rolled down her cheeks as she melted into him. They had no language left but the most dangerous one for them. So dangerous and yet so right. The scales had leaned too much towards guilt and pain, and Palm could not live with the tension of that silence, and there was no other thing to do but give way to comfort.

Sometimes losing balance could mean keeping it.​

​

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

A W K W A R D​

WEARING: xxx
TAG: Palm-Imer

The bed shifted as Palm moved. His eyes left their place to watch her set the caf she had not really touched back on the nightstand where he had put it in the first place. The wolf sighed knowing that it had been nothing more than a defense mechanism, a way to try and break the ice between them. At some point they would need to talk about what they were both sure happened, but for now, the lupine found comfort in the silence. It was a comfort that was as potent as the guilt which seemed to be eating away at his soul.

Her promises were not what haunted his mind. In the moment Gerwald did not care that her promise to keep firm boundaries between them had been breached. For all Gerwald knew it had been his fault that they ended up where they had. His last memory had seen them fighting over which of them would win the attention of the nightmother, and everything after had been fuzzy at best. It bothered Gerwald that he could not remember the details, and it made him feel even more guilt than he should.

There had not been a woman in his bed since Katrine left him, even if his desires burned deep within him. His experience had taught him that giving into desire could lead to consequences that were not desirable. The mess which had been having to choose between her and Scherezade had left enough emotional scars to keep the wolf from making that mistake again. He had discovered there would be parts of him which want different things. It was the nature of what he was.

Palm’s next movement was unexpected. For as well as he knew the woman, he would not have thought this would have been the choice she would make.

Gerwald should have known.

He looked down as her hands took the mug from him and set it next hers. His eyes closed when her hand found his. It was unnatural how one small touch could send so much electricity through his veins, but this moment was not natural. Both of them crossed lines they had promised they would not, and it seemed to be something that occurred frequently when they were together. The pull between them, the way the force had drawn them together, was deeper than anything Gerwald had experienced before, save for one other.

Naedira Darcrath.

Gerwald wanted to reach for the ring, but guilt prevented him. How could he enjoy something like this when the woman he had promised to bring back, the woman he had confessed his love for, remained between this reality and the next.

So why did he feel as though Palm’s reaction was the right one. Even if he had wanted to reach for the ring, the geminaie’s pull had brought him back to the bed. Since their time in the cave on Naboo this was a language they both understood. There was a comfort and understanding found between them which they could not communicate any other way, not without Palm opening herself up to the force once more. It was why Gerwald found his own response to be instinctual.

His strong arm wrapped around the woman, his large hand rested on her shoulder for a time before his finger began to trace lazy patterns in the fabric of what was obviously his shirt.

Gerwald wanted desperately for what seemed to have happened between them to have not occurred at all, but the evidence pointed to the contrary. Even that made him feel guilty, because as Palm nestled herself into the crook of his neck, he knew he was lying to himself. He just had wished the choice had been his. The part of him that he denied had wanted it since Naboo, but despite his truth he knew one overriding truth that had always kept him at bay.

He was Naedira’s unless she told him otherwise.

It wasn’t a matter of possession, but choice. Gerwald had decided that his love for the woman meant that until she could return, or reject, his feelings that he would not look to another. It was a silent promise, one he had never given words to. A promise he knew Palm was well aware of.

Yet, he pulled Palm closer.

“This is dangerous… So why is it also right?”
​

 

[Palm-Imer]

C U R S E​

TAG: Gerwald Lechner

There was a moment of relief, that shadow of the fear that perhaps he would have pushed her away disappearing as the lupine's arm closed around her and he pulled her close. Palm could not have blamed him if he had. They had every reason to remain apart from each other because something deep within their very souls demanded it, required that their word and their promises be answered to. Yet an equally profound part threatened to break her if she pulled away. What had been created between them, despite its complexity and the pain it brought, gave them every reason to not let go.

The rest was just a waiting game. For even in the bliss of their embrace, they could never forget the truth. Those two forces would not stand existing at the same time forever. One would win, and the fate of everything they had grown to be when next to each other would only be decided once that war ended - if they had the strength to see it through.

Even without looking at him, Palm knew what he was thinking. She thought about her too. Perhaps that was the only thing that she truly tried to keep from him despite knowing there would never be any hiding if he found her eyes at the right moment. Naedira Darcrath had not gotten the chance to speak her own truth, to answer his confession. The mere thought that his feelings could be returned, and that now she could stand as an obstacle to his happiness, was something that haunted her like nothing else ever had. That would be something she could never forgive herself for. That alone was enough to make this wrong, even if it felt so right.

As she held on to him and heard him speak another small crack was added to her heart's collection. So strong and yet terribly weak. She breathed in, keeping the air within her lungs for some seconds before letting go, letting the memory of this moment burn into her memory. Remembering exactly how this felt. They had no other option but to keep on walking on and hoping the steps they took were not the wrong ones, but that was answer their conflicting feelings would never grant them.

"A blessing and a curse," She spoke softly, letting her mind brace for what came next. This was their reality. There would never be any gaining without losing when it came to them, and Palm did not know if they could afford to lose anymore. Last night had not been anybody's fault, but that would not remove the guilt. "We can only have both or neither." There was love and there was strength, but also pain, guilt, and remorse. Naedira was not here to help end that war, and so they could only choose to continue existing in it or walk away. The latter seemed impossible to her.
​

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

C O N F U S E D​

WEARING: xxx
TAG: Palm-Imer

Gerwald did not understand why Palm made things seem so absolute in this moment. A blessing and curse, they would have both or they would have nothing. How could that be true? Why could they not have what they wanted, why could it not be just a blessing, or… just a curse? That did not matter right now. As he held Palm the only truth he knew was that he would rather live with both, than live without.

That scared him.

This was different for them. What had happened between them the night before was something neither really seemed to want to talk about, nor was Gerwald sure if they truly had any recollection of. The silence between them was deafening. It was the wrong kind of silence. There had never been anything before this moment they had never been able to discuss, and the fact they seemed reluctant now made Gerwald… sad.

His eyes bore a hole in the ceiling as he moved onto his back. He drew Palm in as close as he could, allowing her to use him like a pillow if that was what she wished. For a while his thoughts were getting the better of him. Before, Gerwald would have simply acted, but that had led to a lot of trouble in the past. The impulsive lupine had found himself in situations he had not wanted because of acting on desire rather than allowing his thoughts to stop him. Now, Gerwald could only think his mind was keeping him from doing the one thing he should. Perhaps this was a moment for impulse.

Gerwald had always thought indecision was for the weak, and it was always in moments like this where the wolf found himself unable to decide. A soft voice accusing him of weakness only grew louder as he continued to trace lazy patterns along the exposed skin of the woman he held.

He moved his eyes away from the ceiling as his chin came to rest on the top of Palm’s head. It was a brief action, but one swift movement saw the lupine kiss the top of it. He did not hold the kiss long, just enough to reassure the woman that everything was going to be fine between them. She needed to know that if forced to stay with her, or abandon her, Gerwald would remain. He would rather put up with the pain than be without her entirely. He was convinced the bond they shared would not allow it any other way.

“You know what sucks the most about this whole thing… we can’t even remember if it was good or not.”

Gerwald was quiet, doing his best to hold in a laugh. He should have felt some level of guilt with that statement, but all he could look for was the humor. A chuckle escaped, and turned into a hearty laugh. Rolling the woman onto her back, Gerwald finally let ice meet amber. Everything he thought and felt in that moment finally would be seen. One of them had to break the ice, one of them had to lead.

That responsibility was his, it would always be his.

“The way I see it… you still haven’t broken your oath to me, Palm.”
​

 

[Palm-Imer]

C U R S E​

TAG: Gerwald Lechner

To her, the weight of the silence was like painful comfort. The guilt was deepened by her own words, yet it was also weirdly soothed by the admittance of their current situation. The only thing Palm was certain of was that she loved him. That was something she could not give up. Even then, there was a part of her that wished that he hadn't loved her back, if only to spare him of the misery of a love that put another one at stake.

Yet, like always, relief was not a grace she was granted for long. Soon the comfort began to slip away and leave only the pain behind, some of it kept at bay by Gerwald's embrace. If she could have just melt into him and forget there was a galaxy around them and anyone else but themselves, she could have - but that would have been selfish. And selfishness was something she was not capable of, not even for her own good. Then she heard his voice, and her eyes opened only slightly as she listened to him.

Against all odds, a smile pulled at her lips and a laugh of her own flowed out of her chest to join with his. She had entertained that same thought too, for a brief moment, before the guilt took over. At least, if it was going to happen, it would have been nice to remember it properly. Even if she tried to piece back the events of last night together, they were nothing but a blur that brought a sharp pain to her head, and also a warmth to her chest that she did everything in her power to ignore for now.

Then she felt her body moving and her back laid flat against the mattress. Her eyes had fallen closed again, knowing that a gaze they had so far avoided would wait right above them. That only lasted for a second, before the unavoidable happened and golden met ice again. Each an open book for the other. Lost in his eyes, one of her hands came up to cup his cheek, a gentle gesture she simply didn't have the strength to stop herself from. "I know," She had promised to stand by him, to help him in any way she could and, more importantly, to learn from him and honor those teachings. Her failings had not been against promises made by her. "but I am not making them any easier to bear." There was a smile with her words, a sad but honest one. She had sworn to herself she would stay away from him in certain ways, to not let something that perhaps they weren't ready for to keep on growing. And yet here they were, holding each other close and a deep, powerful part of her soul feeling as though the very universe could end if she dared let her gaze slip away from his.
​

 

[Gerwald Lechner]

C O N F U S E D​

WEARING: xxx
TAG: Palm-Imer

Gerwald did not want to know what Palm would say. Her words were not the thing that mattered to the wolf in the moment. Golden eyes would tell him everything he needed to know, and she would find the truth she needed in the blue gaze he offered. They searched for what the words she had just spoken did not tell him. She was open to him in every way, even without the force to give him precise knowledge. Gerwald was convinced he had learned to read her eyes to such a level of accuracy their force bond would only confirm what he already knew.

She blamed herself for adding to the burden he carried.

A small smile pulled at his lips when he felt the hand on his cheek. She did not have the soft hands that a diplomat should have had, but rather they were those of a warrior. Gerwald liked that about her. She was not soft or timid, nor could Gerwald ever truly find himself with a woman who was. His hand met hers. Laying his palm on the top of her hand, the lupine leaned into her touch. His eyes closed briefly as if to allow himself to actually enjoy the moment. Why should they deny themselves a brief respite of their worry and guilt? Something had happened, but it did not need to destroy them.

“You do not add to my burden, Palm, and I did not ask you to carry the weight of my promises to her.”

There it was, the thing she had hidden behind her golden eyes. Palm had not felt guilty for breaking her oath. She had been honest in that, she had even been honest in her feelings about adding to the weight of his own commitments. What she had not said was that it was one promise in particular that made her feel guilty, and Gerwald would not permit her to feel it.

“They are not your promises to bear. Do not make my promises your own, don’t do what I did and carry the burdens of your master. He offered me this ring once, and told me about the burden it would be because of my love for her. Your presence doesn’t make that heavier, and your absence would not make it lighter.”

He offered the woman a soft smile as his eyes fell to meet hers again. His fingers moved several strands of stray hair from Palm’s face before the back of his hand caressed her cheek. As he looked at her, Gerwald knew he could pull away, or move closer. Remaining still was not an option. Nothing between them had ever been easy. Yes, there was a pull, Gerwald had felt it the day they met. They had given in to it on Naboo. The limits of it had been tested when she came to find him on Roon and they offered their lives for each other.

Gerwald felt as though everything around him froze, as if time itself stood still. The decision was his to make, and the lupine was tired. He was tired of pulling back when everything in him ached for the opposite. Palm would see the conflict in his eyes. Gerwald could not hide it from her anymore than she could hide her guilt from him. It was not born out of indecision. He was not the young pup he had been when he first joined the Confederacy, naive to how the universe worked. The conflict was because Gerwald knew he could return her feelings if he would allow himself to.

He had not lied to her, and would not lie to her. Palm had spoken her truth the day she committed to being his squire. She was not just a Knight Obsidian, or a new squire to the order. The geminaie was the apprentice to the Lord Commander.

His apprentice.

The truth was something they had to be committed to, honesty was paramount. Their bond would allow them to know if the other was not, and Gerwald refused to build the foundation of what they were to each other on false pretense. She loved him, and he had known it before she ever spoke the words. Palm had showed him that day on Roon when she thought her death was inevitable what her feelings were. Gerwald had waited, hidden his own from her, but he could not deny he knew a love for her as well. What that would become had yet to be seen, but Gerwald refused to lie or deny those feelings.

That was why he felt the conflict. It felt as though whether he pulled away as he always did, or gave in to what he wanted, it would be the wrong decision, or that it would be right. Gerwald was afraid to move because he knew that if he gave in, he would not be able to stop, or feared he would not. He did not wish to be ruled by impulse.

“There is part of me which is screaming at me to fall onto my back once more, to pull away as I always do. Then there is that voice that is begging me to simply give in.”

Gerwald pressed his forehead to Palm’s. His lips almost brushing hers as he spoke.

“I want to kiss you, I have for a long time, but if I do…”

Gerwald grew quiet.
​