Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Approved Planet Koldut, Kolduxus System | Outer Rim

Status
Not open for further replies.
new_saturn_by_xolarix_d2l1lu9-pre.jpg

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION
GENERAL INFORMATION
  • Planet Name: Koldut
  • Demonym: Koldutian
  • Region: Outer Rim, End of the Corellian Run
  • System Name: Kolduxus System
  • System Features:
    • Sun: Kulduxus Prime is a K type main sequence star, or, an orange dwarf star. Kulduxus age wise is rather young, only being at the late beginning of its main sequence.
    • Solar Body I: Carak, is the first solar body after the sun in the Kolduxus system. Carak is a small, mineral rich world, somewhat close to the sun and uninhabitable by life. Likewise, of course Carak’s surface is uninhabitable but the inside of the planet has become prone to multiple Koldutian mining and work colonies.
    • Solar Body II: Paka is the second solar body in the system after the sun. Paka, like Koldut is the only other planet in the system that is inhabitable by life normally. However, Paka is different from its big sister Koldut in that the planet is covered in a biologically thriving jungle. It has become over time a refugee planet for species who love jungle worlds.
    • Solar Body III: Koldut is the main planet in the system, and the economic and political capital of the system.
      • Koldut Moon I: Mina is the one and only moon in the system, it orbits around the planet of Koldut, while at the same time, hosting a few outposts on the planet based around ship production and system scanning.
    • Solar Body IV: Great Nimba is a massive gas giant that sits at the ending perimeter of the solar system. Of course it's a great and highly rich planet in tibana resources, however the storms on the planet can make harvesting the gas difficult.
  • Location: South of Wrea on the Map, at the end of the Corellian Run.
  • Major Imports:
    • Refined technologies from the core regions.
    • Medical technologies
    • Armaments and Defenses
    • Ship Fuel
    • Refined Ore
  • Major Exports:
    • Tibana
    • Durasteel
    • Spaceship parts
    • Unrefined Ore
    • Plasteel
  • Unexploited Resources:
    • Bacta
    • Timber
    • Small amount of Kyber crystals.
GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION
  • Gravity: Standard gravity.
  • Climate: Koldut is a temperate world, with higher than average precipitation on the planet. In the far north and south there are also two polar regions with harsh and unforgiving arctic weather.
  • Primary Terrain: The planet is made up of large vast grasslands spanning miles in length, with countless forests and hills separating the grasslands apart from each other. Nonetheless the other form of major terrain on the planet are the massive mountain ranges that span across the planet from north to south. Lastly, the final point of interest are the valleys that are formed from the Mountains that surround some of the massive grasslands on the planet, these valleys makeup where most of the urban centers on the planet are built at.
  • Atmosphere: Type I
LOCATION INFORMATION
  • Capital City: Valdac City
  • Planetary Features
    • Bonak Grasslands: the Bonak grasslands are the largest land based location on the planet, while of course the planet is full of many different land areas, the bonak grasslands are by far the most serene and uninhabited due to the planets push to keep them protected.
    • Mountains Ranges: Of course there are too many mountain ranges to go into detail on a specific one. Nonetheless, the planet just to be blunt holds a large amount of expansive and tall mountain ranges that are built around the cities and valleys of the planet.
    • Toka’ ta’ Ocean: The Toka’ as it's commonly referred to is the largest and most expansive ocean on the planet. Known for its strange amount of biodiversity compared to the rest of the land based ecosystems. Nonetheless, its deepest point is known simply as the Poralian point and has never, been fully explored.
  • Major Locations:
    • Valdac City: Valdac city is the largest and most prominent city on the planet. Of course, taking up a massive chunk of the south western hemisphere, and holding the largest seat of power on the planet. The city is made up of a multi level system similar to Coruscant. Nonetheless, in total the city has 8 billion inhabitants, and sits as the parliamentary capital on the planet.
    • Torak City: Torak City is the smallest city on the planet, being located in the north eastern hemisphere, on the opposite side of the world as Valdac. Of course - torak is a seedier area; as it's not economically as strong as valdac - but it makes up with culture and.. A fairly large black market in the underbelly of the city. Nonetheless, the city is made up of a large population of 2.2 billion.
    • The Royal Palace: Near the geographical center of the planet, and miles away from the two major cities on the planet is the Royal Palace. The Royal Palace has sat as the seat of ultimate power on the planet for centuries now as the royal family has continued to rule from the throne and the large expansive halls of the huge palace.
    • Valdac city space elevator: the VCSE, leads up to the Koldut shipyard and space dock and, the VCSE works as one of the most commonly used entrances onto the planet - and as the most frequently used by immigrating individuals.
  • Force Nexus: "The Dark Gorge"
  • Intent: To provide the planet an interesting, yet slightly hidden force nexus that will give the planet a strong connection to the dark side.
    Nexus Name: “The Dark Gorge”
  • Nexus Alignment: Dark-side
  • Size: Small
  • Strength: Moderate
  • Accessibility: The Dark Gorge sits at the crossing of two hidden waterfalls in the north. Of course, on paper it is easy to find and can easily be found.. However, due to the gorge’s connection to the force; there are only two known ways of entrance.
    • Kalas Method: If a member of the Royal Kalas family is taken to its location, the entrance will be revealed as the force deemed them as the gatekeeper of the gorge. Nonetheless; the reason the Kalas family has become the sworn gatekeeper is due to their ancient ancestor Tiberius Koldut-Kalas, who was the first sentient being to ever be deemed worthy to enter into the gorge. Nonetheless; that named the Kalas family as the sworn gatekeepers of the gorge in the end.
    • Worthiness Method: The only other way to open the entrance to the hidden gorge, is through being deemed worthy by the force itself; Nonetheless, the way the gorge deems a non-kalas worthy is unknown and is a case by case subject as the records relating to tiberius gaining entrance are long lost, or never existed at all. Nonetheless; when worthiness is given to a traveler they are simply guided to the true location of the gorge, if they are deemed unworthy then they are guided away, simple as that.
  • Effects: To work the gorge, the Consumer must walk up to the walk, kneel into it and begin meditating. Upon meditating they will speak what they wish for (Wealth, Knowledge, Good Health, Strength, A Skill, Etc), Once they speak what they wish for, the water will deem if what they request is worthy; if it isn't nothing happens and the consumer must ask again.. or leave, if the wish is worthy, then the water will gift to the consumer a cup. As the cup is used and the consumer consumes the water what they ask for will be given to them. Of course, if they ask for knowledge; they will gain knowledge on a subject, if they ask for wealth they will gain knowledge on how to gain easy wealth, if they ask for things that effect them physically like Health, Strength, etc; the water will heal all wounds; or make the consumer slightly stronger. Finally if the consumer asks for a Skill; then the water will gift them the talent and knowledge to develop said skill. Nonetheless; said items that are gifted will last forever until either the consumer travels to a light side nexus to relinquish the dark side from them; or if they forget about said items they learned about. Lastly; the Nexus has one big drawback for its use;
    • 1st Drink
      • Lightside Consumer | Upon the first drink; the water will begin corrupting the soul of the lightsider, draining away their connection to the lightside, and allowing the darkside to enter on in.
      • Darkside Consumer | Upon first drink the water will do little to nothing to the consumer if the said consumer has already invited the darkside into their soul.
      • Neutral Consumer | Upon first drink the water will invite the darkside into the said consumers soul.
    • 2nd Drink
      • Lightside Consumer | Upon the Second Drink the consumer will lose most of their connection to the lightside as the dark side begins to take control of said consumers soul.
      • Darkside Consumer | Upon the Second Drink the darkside consumer will begin feeling more powerful; a gift the gorge gives to darksiders is slight strength;
      • Neutral Consumer | Upon the Second Drink The neutral consumer becomes consumed with the darkside and; becomes the same of the darkside consumer; except with no slight strength.
    • 3rd Drink
      • Lightside Consumer | Upon the third drink, the darkside consumes said user; and with that the effects of paranoia set in as the dark gorge begins actively trying to repel the user; however it cannot take its entrance away.
      • Darkside Consumer | Upon the Third drink, the Darkside user begins feeling symptons of paranoia similar to the lightside user as its also the gorge trying to repel the user from consuming more.
    • 4th Drink
      • Consumer | The user will begin feeling mass aching pains across their bodies; along with that, the paranoia symptoms will become worse as they begin seeing horrific vision; and their reality becomes warped. The only way to heal this is by traveling to a light side nexus; which will erase all the knowledge or gifts the Gorge gives to you.. however it will clean the curse from your body.
    • 5th Drink
      • Consumer | A Mysterious and unknown result due to the punishment being different per each case. Upon the fifth drink; a dark curse will be placed upon the consumer and their offspring that will be specially orientated towards them. Of course; while there is a curse; there is also specific way to heal each curse that is special to each case.
POPULATION
  • Native Species: Humans
  • Immigrated Species:
  • Population: Heavy - 10.5 Billion
  • Demographics: Below is listed the actual assortment of races on the planet, however, it's good to state that the planet is very open to other species, although, it would be a lie if it was said that there was no problems. Many of the alien species in both major species hold quarrels with each other, and the lower and poor sections of both cities currently are having species gang issues. Nonetheless, other then that, it is also somewhat apparent that the human population dominates the higher class and medium class.
    • Human 68%
    • Zeltronians 12%
    • Other Aliens 20%
  • Primary Languages: Galactic Basic
  • Culture: Well, the Koldian lifestyle is a rather strange thing - over the centuries of immigration, and an influx of other cultures the older Koldian ways have long.. Vanished into the void of nothingness. Nonetheless, in the present day Koldut lifestyle is based around a mix of different alien behaviors. While, most people on the planet subscribe to a coruscanti way of life in basic interactions, with social standards and tastes for people. Along with that, the only areas on the planet that seem to follow different cultural standards are the poorer alien ghettos or, the very high class aristocrat humans who follow old koldut standards that they try to hold onto. Moving on, in terms of art, the planet hasn’t produced anything new in centuries, most koldut human artists have since moved to core worlds with the planet opening its trade markets in search of better markets, likewise - alien species have now brought their art making a new art in the scene known as Neo-Koldutian which is a mix of old and new. Finally, the last subject of talk of cultural behaviors is the planets love for Bolo-ball, while of course the planet has its own league, they enjoy engaging in galactic Bolo-ball and dump loads of money into this business due to the planet wide love for it.
GOVERNMENT & ECONOMY
  • Government: Specialized Monarchy with three powers in the government.
    • The Monarch: A Non-elected position hereditary position passed down from the Kalas family line. They hold most of the power on the planet and hold abilities similar to a president in the united states. Along with that; they also hold the ability to remove any member of the parliament or judges they see as unfit for their position without reason. Finally they also hold the ability to call for a royal prerogative where they claim control over the government during an emergency event; however for this to be granted the parliament must vote 3/4ths in favor of the action.
    • The Parliament: The Parliament of the Koldut government is a ruling body elected by the people per district. Currently there are twenty districts, and there are five MP (Members of Parliament) per district. Nonetheless, these 100 members are then led by the chairman of the parliament who is elected by the parliament with a 3/4ths majority. Nonetheless; the parliament hold the power to write up laws, which are passed to the monarch, where then the monarch votes nay or aye, if a vote of nay is issued then the bill goes to the judges and the parliament to be voted for a 3/4ths majority; if the law is passed then the ruling of the monarch is overruled. Nonetheless; other then that, the only other power the parliament holds is the ability to evict the monarch or remove power with a unanimous voting. Lastly; the term of a Koldut MP is six years with an ability to be re-elected.
    • The Judges: The Judges are an exclusive to native born ruling party elected by by both the parliament and the monarch. Four are voted in by the parliament and four by the monarch. Nonetheless; the Judges act as the mediators of all governmental parties; During governmental gatherings the judges act as neutral parties during debate; and are the final vote on laws. Moreover; the judges are also the ceremonial passers of the laws created by the parliament once the Monarch votes aye to them. Lastly; a judges term lasts for life, or until they are deemed unfit for service.
  • Affiliation: Queen Kalas
  • Wealth: Wealthy
    • Due to the planets many valuable resources, and the exploitable resources on the many different system planets, and exposure to the corellian run trade route the planets wealth has grown exponentially over the years; along with that due to the planets strong manufacturing business that has recently opened up the planet has seen a new boom in wealth that has gone straight to growing the urban infrastructure of the planet as a whole.
  • Stability: High [] The only known problem currently are the large amounts of alien races in the poor ghettos of the planet. Of course the government is stable, and the planet appreciates the government - the ghettos and gangs are beginning to become a problem with the introduction of a black market.
  • Freedom & Oppression: The people of the planet are incredibly free to do what they wish. Of course laws are present and a stable and well reinforced police system is in place with state of the art law droids, however; besides that the people enjoy bounties of freedoms and liberty.
MILITARY & TECHNOLOGY
  • Military:
    • Three Starports [] One at Koldut / One at the Moon of Koldut / One at Great Nimba
    • Space Fortress around the space Elevator.
    • Koldutian Fleet based at Koldut
    • Two Patrol Bases
    • Military Personal: 1.2 Million in total.
  • Technology: Galactic Standard [] Buys most weapons from imports.
HISTORICAL INFORMATION
The Koldut system was founded a century before the Clone Wars began by a group of human explorers sent by the republic. Of course, on its founding, the explorers created a new colony, naming it Koldut after the captain's last name. Nonetheless, this colony at first started as nothing - however after the captains expedition to the north - and founding of the dark side Nexus, he asked for the knowledge on how to rule and lead the colony to success. Of course.. He was given the knowledge he asked for.. But in return, he gave his soul to the dark side. Although besides that, thanks to this choice the Koldut golden age began under the rule of Tiberius Koldut, during this time - Valdac city was founded, the royal palace was created - and the first steps of the planets history were formed.

Then came the clone wars. Due to the warring and constant blockades of the tradelines, the planet became an absolute shithole.. And sadly, their esteemed king Tiberius passed away during the first year of the war. Sadly, this led to a succession issue where his two sons, Kanis and Kalas fought for control of the planet - leading the planet into a civil war that lasted past the clone wars all the way into 8 BBY. By the end of the civil war the Kalas house had won the war - and with that, the Kalas family became the ruling housing of the planet. Likewise though, the planet saw no impressive growth during the galactic civil war - and continued to grow at a linear rate under the early years of the kalas rule.

Nonetheless, under the rule of Tiberius II Kalas-Koldut in 200 ABY the planet saw its second golden age. Of course his first impressive build was the opening of the planet to the galaxy - allowing non humans to enter the planet. Of course, this led to the first impressive wave of refugees in the zeltronian population.. Which surprisingly is the only alien race that has merged slightly with the original human population in the royal family. Nonetheless, other things Tiberius II did during his rule was grow the economic system, open the planet to free trade, update the laws, increase the planets education system budget, and.. Open trade to the rest of the galaxy.

Sadly upon his death, the planet went to other dark age for half a century, until the rule of Ganius Kalas-Koldut. Ganius’ rule was interesting one nonetheless as his rule led to the increase of the military, formation of the Bola-ball league, creation of Neo-Koldutian culture, and.. His most impressive feat - the colony system on the other solar bodies in the system, which led to the massive economic growth of Koldut through the export of raw materials from the sister worlds in the galaxy.

Likewise, more of the same happens after Ganius rule, the most notable rule following Ganius was the rule of Calliconium Kalas-Koldut. Calliconium was the only ruler of the planet that came out in support of the dark side, he showed off his rule by broadcasting publicly his belief and passion for the dark side, and for the sith. Of course - it was a known topic in the upper class about the koldut family being dark side aligned due to their founder, however no leader had publicly sided with a side before in the past.

Sadly though this reign was cut short by the gulag virus which sadly hit the planet like tank shell, killing off an impressive 71% of the population, ruining the economy and sending the planet into unstability. The only thing that saved the planet from end, was the large amount of service measures and droids that were present during the plague that were able to assist in managing the systems while most organic life was recovering.

During the 400 year darkness, of recovery it wasn’t until the 200th year that the planet was able to finally recover, and begin its growth back to its normal state.. Of course, it took another 200 years to get back to where it was, however.. Through the perseverance and care of the people the planet had returned back its state of wealth and prosperity where it now sits as a trade hub at the end of one of the major spots on the corellian run. Along with their new ruler Maria Kalas-Koldut, the future of the planet looks wildly bright and the people of the planet look forward to an upcoming golden age.. hopefully.
 
Last edited:

Zak Dymo

Guest
Z
Maria Kalas Maria Kalas

Welcome to Chaos!

I see that you're a new writer on our board. I'll be assisting you with this submission as your Codex Judge. Just in case you're not aware, planets submitted to the Codex have a two-step approval process, with the Codex Judges doing the first part and then a Roleplay Judge or Admin doing the second part. Once both are done, and you're approved, you'll be able to add Koldut to the Chaos Map if you so wish (its optional).

You've done an excellent job of worldbuilding here (no pun intended). I have just three items of note for you.
1. I note that you have an image credit, but I do not see any image embedded in the submission. Is that intentional?

  • Region: Outer Rim, End of the Corellian Run
2. As per the template, please include a hyperlink to Outer Rim Territories here. I would also recommend including a link for the Corellian Run (or alternately, adding a link to the Corellian Run in the "Out of Character/Links" section at the top.

  • Force Nexus: Dark Oasis
    Intent: To provide the planet an interesting, yet slightly hidden force nexus that will give the planet a strong connection to the dark side.
    Nexus Name: “The Dark Gorge”
  • Nexus Alignment: Dark-side
  • Size: Small
  • Strength: Moderate
  • Accessibility: The Dark Gorge sits at the crossing of two hidden waterfalls in the north. Of course, on paper it is easy to find and can easily be found.. However, due to the gorge’s Somewhat, sentient nature - it has an ability to keep itself hidden to those it feels unworthy.
  • Effects: the waters created by the dark gorge present a strange yet powerful sense of wisdom. If the water is drunken, then the consumer will gain wisdom upon the subject that they request.. However, the price that is paid is through the corruption of the consumers soul as more knowledge is consumed. If enough water is taken in, the consumer becomes crazy.. And.. could become delusional, or maddened by the dark side.
3. This looks good overall, but I'd appreciate some clarification on the Effects piece. Does this impart pieces of information or reveal all information on a subject? Is it information only, or does it give any level of skill or mastery? Is the knowledge that they gain subject to total recall? Or does it fade at all after they leave the nexus? And to what degree might someone be maddened the closer that they use the nexus (e.g. mild hallucinations or completely catatonic state?)

Those are my thoughts. I look forward to yours in reply. Please tag me after you have completed your edits.
 
Zak Dymo Hi!

Just edited the page, feel free to look over it when you can.

1. I fixed the image problem - apparently the image I uploaded never went up so there we go now!

2. Added links to wrea, outer rim, and corellian run in the link tab in OOC information

3. I compleatly reworked the effect system of the gorge with a drink system and what you can ask for and what it will give back in return. Hopefully its ok but you can tell me what I need to add or remove if it isn't ok.
 

Zak Dymo

Guest
Z
Maria Kalas Maria Kalas

Thank you for those edits. Before I get to the Force Nexus, a few notes as I gave this a closer read through. These are just spelling and grammatical issues that you may want to fix before the submission is approved.

  • Solar Body I: Carak, is the first solar body after the sun in the Kolduxus system. Carak is a small, mineral rich world, somewhat close to the sun and uninhabitable by life. Likewise, of course Carak’s surface is uninhabitable but the inside of the planet has become prone to multiple Koldutian mining and work colonies.
  • Solar Body II: Paka is the second solar body in the system after the sun. Paka, of course like Koldut, is the only other planet in the system that is inhabitable by life normally. However, Paka is different from its big sister Koldut in that the planet is covered in a biologically thriving jungle. It has become over time a refugee planet for species who love jungle worlds.
Note: The words "of course" confuse the meaning of the sentence here. I think the revised language in the quoted text, above, would make the sentence clearer to the reader.

  • Climate: Koldut is a temperate world, similar to earth. The biggest difference would be the higher amount of perception across the planet, rain storms typically form constantly across the planet.
In the context of the sentence, I believe you meant to write precipitation here.

  • Primary Terrain: Large fast grasslands taken up by massive urban areas, with fast amounts of mountain ranges forming massive valleys where the cities are formed.
In the context of the sentence, I believe that you meant flat.

As a final note, I found this statement a tad confusing.
  • Toka’ ta’ Ocean: The Toka’ as it's commonly referred to is the largest and most expansive ocean on the planet. Known for its strange amount of biodiversity due to the planets connection to a large amount of invasive species. Nonetheless, its deepest point is known simply as the Poralian point and has never, been fully explored.
Could you clarify this statement for me? I didn't see mention of invasive species elsewhere, and I'm curious how the two relate. Generally, in Marine Biology, invasive species are seen as a threat to biodiversity. However, here, it seems to contribute toward greater biodiversity? I'm also unclear if you mean invasive species that are exoplanetary or invasive species that are native to Koldut (such as species migratory patterns).

Moving on to the Force Nexus!

  • Force Nexus: Dark Oasis
  • Intent: To provide the planet an interesting, yet slightly hidden force nexus that will give the planet a strong connection to the dark side.
    Nexus Name: “The Dark Gorge”
  • Nexus Alignment: Dark-side
  • Size: Small
  • Strength: Moderate
  • Accessibility: The Dark Gorge sits at the crossing of two hidden waterfalls in the north. Of course, on paper it is easy to find and can easily be found.. However, due to the gorge’s Somewhat, sentient nature - it has an ability to keep itself hidden to those it feels unworthy. Along with that though, another way to find the Dark Gorge is through the use of any Kalas family member as due to their ancestor; they have been given permanent access to the gorge through his sacrifice.
  • Effects: Of course; due to its sentience property, only the gorge can bring who its sees as worthy to drink upon its waters. Nonetheless, to engage in the ritual the consumer must announce what its looking for (Knowledge on a specific subject, Health, A Skill, or even just Luck). Once they announce what they're looking for, then a cup will be given to them through the water out of nowhere. Once the consumer drinks the water, they will instantly gain the one item they wished for, therefore if they ask for knowledge they will gain knowledge, if they ask for good health, they will feel healthy and their wounds will be cured, if they ask for a skill, they will be given the talent and knowledge on how to improve said skill, and if they ask for something minute like luck; their ventures in life for a short period will have increased luck. However.. the draw back to this is the price you must pay to the gorge;
    • One Drink - Minor Corruption, the water pushes the dark-side into their soul, and shakes their grasp of the light.
    • Two Drinks - The water begins corrupting the heart, if the consumer is a practitioner of the light side they will begin losing some of their connection to the light side of the force as the dark side enters them.
    • Three Drinks - The water fully flushes away the light side from the user; leaving them in a dark state.. the maddening effect also begins to kick in as symptoms like paranoia kick in.
    • Four Drinks - Water begins its undoing process as it believes the user is overusing its gift; maddening process increase with light schizophrenia symptoms appearing with more paranoia symptoms arising.
    • Five Drinks - Water begins bringing pain to the user in the hope of stopping them from drinking the water; the fifth drink sets a curse upon the consumers family; cursing them to permanently being attuned to the dark side.. currently the only person to ever make it to a fifth drink was the founder of the Koldut family, Tiberius.
    • Six Drinks - The Sixth drink which has never been attained by anyone before as the gorge blocks out anyone who drinks a fifth drink, but if a sixth drink of the water is consumed; the consumer becomes a mindless slave to the dark side.. entering into a catatonic state where the consumer is hell bent on doing what the gorge tells them to do.
Four things leap out at me here.

1. There appear to be two different names for this Nexus. Dark Oasis and Dark Gorge. For consistency's sake, when referring to this part of the submission, I'd appreciate if you'd eliminate one so that's its clear to the reader what this is titled.

2. The Force is certainly depicted as mysterious, but I can't find any example of another Force Nexus that was described as being sentient or sapient. Unless this is meant to be an actual living entity, then the gorge itself would not be sentient. For that reason, I'd ask you to please edit that to remove the suggestion of sentience, and instead leave it somewhat vague as will of the Force that is resident in this place.

3. If your intent is that the Force Nexus actively repels someone after the Fifth Drink, then I think the Sixth Drink could be done away with. Alternately, if you kept it, I'd just note that someone who is catatonic would be unable to do anything (as they'd have lapsed into a coma).

4. One thing I don't see contemplated here is this: What happens if the person who takes their first drink is already attuned to the Dark Side of the Force? Say, a Sith Lord for example. What effects would it have on someone who is already corrupted by the Dark Side, if any?

As always, I look forward to your comments and thoughts in response to my own. Cheers!
 

Zak Dymo

Guest
Z
Maria Kalas Maria Kalas

  • 5th Drink
    • A Foolish Choice: Instant Death as the gorge's water simply ends the life of the consumer.

Unfortunately, the current language is not going to be acceptable. I apologize if I may have been unclear with regard to what you had for the 5th Drink. I actually really liked the previous language that you had (e.g. "as the gorge blocks out anyone who drinks a fifth drink...") because it was clear and directional, while being open to interpretation for roleplay.

The Roleplay Rules state, in relevant part:
5. You may not kill another character without that character's permission.

For the above reason, I'll need you to dial this back a bit. The previous mention of a curse was fine. Hallucinations, things that are open to different writers interpreting differently for their characters and roleplay are what we want to achieve here. As written, you have a very directive result that isn't open to resistance, which runs afoul of the rule here.

Please tag me once you have had the opportunity to complete your edits.
 
Zak Dymo

Here we are, I apologize for the amount of times we've gone back and forth over this but I'm happy its working out at least! I simply edited the fifth drink into giving the consumer a choice; live the rest of their life with the pain and the curse (Of course they could use bacta constantly to act as pain killers) or travel to a light force nexus (Which would open them to another thread idea, allowing them to continue roleplay) to cure themselves of the darkside.
 

Zak Dymo

Guest
Z
Maria Kalas Maria Kalas

Still speaking with regard to the description of the Fifth Drink, and I may be splitting hairs, but if we could go with something less firm than "pushed" then I think you'll be ready for the second review.

Maybe something to the effect of after the fifth drink, a curse will be inflicted upon the consumer and any offspring? That way it's clear in concept, but is something open enough to interpretation that a writer has various approaches that they could take to the story.

I also apologize. I could have sworn that I posted this reply yesterday evening, but apparently that wasn't the case.
 
Good Evening Maria Kalas Maria Kalas

As Zak Dymo explained to you, we put all planet submission through a double approval process, I'm the RPJ who will be handling the secondary review of this submission.

I have to say, I love the level of detail and thought that you've put into this submission, and can't wait to see it used in active RP. There are just a few additional points I'd like to go through with you before we move you on.

Climate

Climate: Koldut is a temperate world, similar to earth. The biggest difference would be the higher amount of precipitation across the planet, rain storms typically form constantly across the planet.

According to the Codex's planet creation rules, you should not use specific references to earth as a shorthand for explaining something. As such, instead of saying 'a temperate world, similar to earth. the biggest difference' I would instead suggest saying, 'Koldut is a temperate word that has a higher than average amount of precipitation across the planet'​

Primary Terrain

Primary Terrain: Large flat grasslands taken up by massive urban areas, with fast amounts of mountain ranges forming massive valleys where the cities are formed.

This is a small spelling issue, but since it has come up already during the review I thought I'd point out that you've typed 'fast amounts of mountain ranges' where I believe you mean vast. Also, the wording is a little confusing, you sat that there are large flat grasslands where the urban areas exist, but then go on to say that the cities are formed in the valleys. Could you please clear this up a little, I'm not sure if the cities are in the valleys or on grasslands.​

Valdac City

The city is made up of a multi level system similar to the Cities on Coruscant.

While I understand what you are trying to say here, Coruscant doesn't have any cities. Instead the planet is an ecumenopolis, a single city that covers the entire surface of the planet. A batter phrasing here might be, 'The city is made up of a multi-level system similar to Coruscant.'​

Dark Gorge - Accessibility

While I can see what you were going for, could you go into a little more detail in this section? Specifically, what is it about the Kalas Royal Family that sets them apart from any other force user who might approach the gorge.​
Also, out of curiosity do you have a canon example of the force judging someone's worthiness in this way? The closest I could find was a holocron's gatekeeper which could judge the worthiness of those who activate it to access the information stored within. Is that the kind of concept you're looking for? Since that might be an option here, a similar gatekeeper set up who can judge worthiness and reveal a path going into the Gorge, one leading to the correct destination, the other to be trodden, never to return.​

5th Drink

5th Drink

  • Consumer | A Mysterious and unknown result due to the punishment being different per each case. Upon the fifth drink; a dark curse will be placed upon the consumer and their offspring that will be specially orientated towards them. Of course; each curse comes with its own specific too.

I believe that you might have forgotten to complete this section, 'each curse with its own specific [what] too.'​

Immigrated Species

Could you please provide links to the Weequay and Ugnaughts, which I have provided, the other immigrated species are popular and common species, but I had to search wookiepedia to remind myself of these species. Providing the species links will make life easier for future readers of this submission.​

Government

Government: Constitutional Monarchy with more power to the monarch.

Which further powers have been provided to the Monarch? Could you expand on your statement just a little so people RPing on the planet have a better understanding of the situation?​

Affiliation

Affiliation: Queen Kalas

Please provide a link to your character here.​

Wealth

Wealth: Wealthy

As per the template, which I have quoted below, could you please provide a brief explanation in this field to explain why the planet is wealthy.​

Wealth: [ Poor, Low, Medium, High, Wealthy. Describe, briefly, why. ]
 
John Locke John Locke

Alrighty so I made some pretty major/minor updates
  1. Climate And locations saw some minor and major updates to where you pointed out; Nonetheless, I'll await your judgement on which of those are fine,
  2. I updated the Kalas method by saying their ancestor was the first deemed worthy by the /force\ thus fore the family has been deemed as the gatekeepers of the gorge.
  3. I might need you to reexplain what you meant by Also, out of curiosity do you have a canon example of the force judging someone's worthiness in this way? The closest I could find was a holocron's gatekeeper which could judge the worthiness of those who activate it to access the information stored within. Is that the kind of concept you're looking for? Since that might be an option here, a similar gatekeeper set up who can judge worthiness and reveal a path going into the Gorge, one leading to the correct destination, the other to be trodden, never to return. I understand kinda, but Im just slightly confused. Nonetheless; The point I'm going for is just a more custom thought that the force simply deems the traveler as worthy of the water or not; nothing more nothing less, just a simple way that the force will guide the traveler to the actual destination, or lead them away.
  4. Fixed the fifth drink typo
  5. All species have a hyperlink now just to help that issue.
  6. Added a compleatly new set of items to the government tab; showing the three branches of the government; I hope this is fine, and if you need me to explain something or reward something I will.
  7. Compleatly updated the wealth tab also; gave a reason for the old wealth and the new wealth of the planet and why the system has an economic purpose and importance in the outer rim.
 
Maria Kalas Maria Kalas

1)
Climate - You're still comparing the planet's climate to Earth, while I understand that this is an easy shorthand for comparison, but Earth doesn't exist within Star Wars. Could you please remove this phrase entirely.
Locations - Thank you for making that change, that is much better.
2) Thank you, that does make it clearer to me why the Royal Family, in particular, is guided straight through.
3) Honestly, if you could just add the explanation you gave me about the force guiding people there or leading them away that would be more than good enough. It is important to point out that the worthiness of an individual is determined by the RP, so while most PCs will be worthy of the Gorge, I love the mechanic you're using here.
4) Thank you for making that change.
5) Excellent, thank you. It just makes it easier for people who don't know a lot about species to see what's going on that way.
6) Thank you for adding that detail. I noticed that you appear to have not completed the section about the Monarch, the paragraph trails off with 'Finally they also hold the ability to call for a royal prerogative where they claim'. At the end of the parliament section you also say re-election, where I believe you meant re-elected.
7) That is much better thank you.

Just a few more minor changes and I think we're good to go with this one.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom