Private Let Me Live / Let Me Die

[Amea Virou]

A haggard breath echoed across the aether of a blanked out mind. There was peace in this state of being when the chaos was barely contained on the outside. Fingers brushed against the cold metal paneling as the last few drops slowly dripped into the metaphorical canister beneath the brown-haired woman’s skin. She had awaited this moment for weeks now.

A ghost of her past wore her skin, and yet it wasn’t her skin at all. It was a mimicry of who she had been before the incident. It was the last few ties to her past, the last chance for her at any form of reconciliation between what once was and what currently stood in its place. Beyond the doors that were in front of her was everything that she wanted and yet was afraid of. It was the realization of how far she had fallen, the loss of innocence that she had undergone in that apartment.

But it was a threat to her existence, to her well-being. The force beckoned them together and it wasn’t difficult to understand why. It had two identical pieces for a puzzle where it only needed one. It couldn’t mash them into one single piece and yet it couldn’t just let one of them co-exist without repercussions. They lived off of the same lifeline and yet they did not. For as long as one existed, the other would suffer. And well, if that was something the force struggled to choose between then Amea was more than willing to make that choice for it.

She tensed her fingers to let them crack. A heavy hand fell upon the slugthrower attached to the holster on her thigh. It rested in her hands as she twisted it around and got acquainted with the familiar weight it carried. Not just physical but mental as well. She had sworn to Evelyn that she would change for the better and that she would stop taking lives needlessly, but this did not fall under needless.

Her thumb pulled at the hammer to ready it for action. Another deep breath filled her lungs, her eyes closed. It was okay to make an exception just this once.

It was just a shame that tonight it wouldn’t be used to take any other life than her own.

 

[Amea Virou]

She just stood there. Kaili’s eyes lingered on the screen, thumb between her teeth as she trimmed away at the nail with an anxious grind. Amea was at the gates, gun in her hands. So far things had gone as Kaili expected if you scratched the part where the gunshots had not yet called into the skies above. Was something the matter? Had she caught on? Amea most definitely knew that there was an ambush waiting on the other side of that door.

As the minutes dragged out Kaili began to doubt the effectiveness of her plan. Was Amea about to back out now? Was her take on the woman wrong? Kaili let her eyes stare at the screen as if to try and probe for some sort of change just as the woman seemed to kick into gear. Amea’s shoulders rose, they sank, and the door opened accompanied by three loud shots that Kaili didn’t need to see to hear.

It was on.

---

---

Revenge was a fool’s game. Vengeance wasn’t a miracle pill that would take the grief or pain away. And yet despite knowing that, she felt each beat inside of her chest cry out for a resolution to this whole thing. It could have been a good one, something that didn't involve violence. It could have been that she talked to this mystery woman about what was happening, but that wasn’t how she wanted this to play out.

Beyond that door laid the key to becoming what she had once considered to be a complete person, and now she wanted it dead for her own sake. The life that she held now had become too important to risk. The life that she was needlessly dangling over the hungry nexu was something that had become too important compared to what could have been and what once was. She needed this piece of her to die because sometimes the only way to move on was to take a step back.

This was her step back and the step forward that followed it. This was her taking control of the future and all that such an action meant. Amea put her hand to the door with one last deep breath before she opened her eyes and let the door slide open. There was no thought put into it. First thing that moved got a lead donation straight to the head. One, two, three shots fired in rapid succession as another three mirror images of herself sparked in electric suffering.

“If you expect me to have a problem with killing myself, you’ve clearly not been paying attention!” Amea called out as she raised the pistol at the man who cowered in the corner, Andro, and pulled the trigger. “It’s why I am here after all!”

She shot a quick glance at the man before she continued. Injured but not dead.

 

[Amea Virou]

Heartbeat and footfall, footfall, heartbeat and footfall, footfall, heartbeat. The poisonous burden of tension and hate weighed upon her entire being. It pushed against her skin with a crushing pound that slowly synced over the beat of her heart. Each footfall felt like a plunge from the sky, each heartbeat a spike of pain that felt all too familiar. On the outside there was a crooked smile but on the inside there was nothing. The blonde came into view and there wasn’t even a hint of hesitation.

The revolver rose up to point at her and she slowly squeezed the trigger that began to loosen in her very grip. The smirk on her lips widened into a grin. So that was what it felt like to be on the other end of that. As the pieces of her weapon fell to the ground, Amea would instead lunge towards the blonde and enter a sprint to follow as she jumped out of the way and began to make for the exit of the apartment.

It was a psychotic chase that wove a pattern through the streets. One determined blonde making her way forward with purpose and one brunette with a crazed look in her eyes as if she reveled in the fact. Crates, tables, a myriad of obstacles in their way and none to slow them down. By the time they reached their destination, once Amea knew that it was just the two of them — for now — she felt her senses come back to her.

The evening’s downpour soaked them both as the hum of cooling units bounced from wall to wall until they reached for the sky. Amea’s shoulders rose and sunk with a deep breath, knuckles tensed by her side.

“You already know how this ends.” She mumbled at Kaili who began to pace. “Why the theatrics?”

The blonde looked at the roof behind the brunette where Andro was supposed to be. Empty, there was no-one there. A sense of dread shot through her system for a moment before she shook her head and focused on her opponent. To have seen Amea in her dreams had been one thing, to see the psychotic mess that she had become in reality was another. The murderous glare that burned like fire behind her eyes reminded her all too much about Runi Verin and what Kaili had wanted to help the mandalorian woman overcome. Yet because of her unrestrained influence Amea was a lost soul, and she wouldn’t be redeemed. Not that either of them wanted it for the other as it were.

“I am not you,” Kaili said with an unnerving calm and spat on the ground. “I am not a murderer. I needed you isolated and in a field that I control.”

The lecture earned her a scoff. Kaili figured it would. As Amea took a step forward, Kaili took one step back.

“I am what you made me.” Amea growled back. “Your fears stripped of reason, your ideals without restraint. I am what you chose to remember.”

Amea took another step forward, but this time Kaili remained in place.

“I never wanted you to become a murderer, Amea.” Kaili sighed and got into stance. “I never wanted us to forget to begin with.”

“Yeah, well,” Amea said and raised her hands. “That’s too bad, ain’t it?”

 

[Amea Virou]

It had occurred to Kaili that the gun in the visions had been taken apart already. Whether to take that as a good thing or not was something that remained to be seen. As Amea raised her fists, Kaili popped her neck. As the brunette took another step forward she kept her guard at the ready. In theend they were both weapons. Two women both trained in the exact same style of fighting. There was to be no honor in this battle, and one of them clearly seemed more keen on ending the other.

“Don’t need to end like this.” Kaili said and shook her head. “It is not too late. Put your hands down and we can merge into one.”

“All I’d have to do is kill myself.” Amea hissed and shook her head right back at the blonde. “I have too much to lose.”

“You’ll lose more if you kill me.” Kaili tried to reason. “Everything that brought you here, everything that anyone has ever seen in you is locked away inside of my head.”

It did cause Amea to stop for a moment, even if it was just that — a moment. For a split second she thought about the implications, but the idea of losing that which she held close now was a price far too great to pay. Fear of not knowing did not outweigh the fear of losing what she had.

“I suppose it is.” A heavy fist thrust towards Kaili with a familiar flurry, the moment of peace was shattered. Soft hands wrapped around Amea’s wrist and forearm to twist her shoulder into a throw against a nearby A/C unit. The metallic thud of their struggle began to echo out into the street and turned the curious heads of passersby.

“Could have done this the easy way.” Kaili shouted as she placed her hand against Amea’s head and thrust her into the paneling. “Could have accepted my offer.”

The paneling dented under the second attack before Amea found the time to react.

“Couldn’t possibly-” Amea grunted as her arm moved up to block the second thrust and throw Kaili off her back. “—given less—” She struggled for air and footing as she stood back up. “Of a rat’s osik about what the hell you want.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Amea. I know you. I know why you even exist in the first place.” Kaili scoffed and swept for the legs. Amea blocked it with her foot as she tried to crush it under her boot with a near miss. “You exist because I was afraid, you exist because I wanted to hide from myself.”

There was no response. The force beckoned around Amea as she pulled Kaili closer. She talked too much, tried to tell her truths that Amea already knew. It had already been clear that Amea never existed. Her lack of a presence anywhere, the fact that there had never been a Virou Ranch on Dantooine in the first place or that there were no authentic birth records — not even digitized. She knew that Kaili spoke the truth, but she also only spoke her own truth. What once were and what now was were two very different things.

Kaili stumbled forward, the side of her head twitching to the side from the impact of Amea’s fists across her cheek.

“You want to be her so bad that you start taking up her language as well?” Kaili coughed and began to back off and regain control of her senses. “Didn’t she die because of who she was? Because of who you want to become?”

The world stood still for a moment. Kaili watched as the otherwise livid fighter before her froze in place, seemingly unable to move at all. The comment had struck the nerve she had sought. Amea was a thousand miles away and completely open. A firm kick placed against her stomach sent the psychotic murderer reeling backwards as the air in her lungs escaped her.

“You are nobody, Amea Virou!” Kaili screamed at what was by all accounts herself. “And you will die a nobody.”

 

[Amea Virou]

“You’re not even alive. I saw you die, I felt it.”
“But is she wrong, burc’ya?”
“… No.”

From the periphery of her senses, just as the words paralyzed her like a venom, Amea felt the familiar presence of the dead. Their words hollow, their existence a figment of her own. It was grief left unhandled, trauma that she had refused to process. Although the exchange was brief it had said more than enough. Paralysis turned into tension as her back hit the ground. The raindrops from on high mingled with the tears on her cheek as her fists tightened. This was the moment when it all came crashing down then. She had wondered when the figurative branch would snap, but she had never expected it would be a copy of herself that caused it.

She was downed and she didn’t get back up again. As Kaili approached her victim with careful steps she peered over their seemingly unconscious body, and though the body was unmoving, Amea’s eyes were distant with a stare that reminded Kaili all too much of herself. For a brief moment a tinge of grief shot through her system. Yet this was no time to waste. Kaili raised her foot above Amea’s head to stomp, but the attack wouldn’t find its target. The sound of wet fabric on concrete, a body twisted out of reach from its attacker. Amea pushed from the ground to stand before Kaili with a malicious glare. Her teeth were bared and the skin of her knuckles paled.

One second there was a gap between them, the next it had been bridged. A firm knuckle struck against Kaili’s cheek as another struck against her waist. She put her hand up to catch one only to find that it would glide out of her hand. With it, a sharp pain cut across the palm of her head. As she reeled over and away she felt an equally sharp pain pierce against her shoulder before it pulled away again. By the time she got her footing back she would stand face to face with Amea yet again. There was a knife in her hand that was covered in blood. Figures.

“That’s her knife.” Kaili coughed up and laughed in spite. “She really did a number on you.”

“Pretend that she’s the cause of my decline,” Amea retorted and swung for Kaili who stepped under and away from the attack. “At least I can admit who I am.”

Black mists covered the knife before it disappeared into Amea’s hand.

“That hand. It's Her handiw—” Kaili was interrupted.

“At least I don’t leave my loved ones behind.” Amea shouted back as her elbow reached for the blonde by her side. “I met Allyson, I saw how she looked at me when she found out that I was you.”

The tables turned, and in that instant it became Kaili’s turn to seize up.

“She loved you and you let her down.” Amea said as she grabbed a hold of the blonde’s neck and began to squeeze. “Allyson would have done anything for you, and you just disappeared without a trace. You didn’t run away from yourself, you ran away from her. Not because you cared but because you’re nothing more than a pathetic coward.”

A firm kick was placed against her chest. Amea found the ground again.

“I loved her more than anything and I was not enough for her.” Kaili nearly shrieked as she placed herself on top of the brunette, each word punctuated by one punch after the other. “There was always the Alliance, the Rogues, the Shadows, some sort of threat to her life that I couldn’t prevent. She died because I couldn’t help her! She died because I wasn’t enough!”

The tables flipped again. Amea grabbed the blonde’s fist as it plunged for her cheek for the thirtieth time and wrestled her onto the ground with herself on top.

“She died because of YOUR inaction, because of YOUR unwillingness to forgive her faults.” Amea shouted in Kaili’s face as she struck her cheek. “You can pretend that it was someone else who got her killed, but in reality it was YOU.”

“You, and you alone.” Amea set off another punch and a sickening crunch echoed across the alleyway. Blood poured from the blonde’s nose. “She already thinks you are dead. Do you think your return would do anything more than tear her down and destroy what she has built for herself in the last few years since you died?”

Kaili’s eyes went wide before she caught Amea’s attack and threw her off.

“Yes, I do!” She screamed. “We belonged together once, we have the bond!”

Amea’s teeth bared yet again, her nerves having had enough as she got her breathing back.

“She severed the bond!” Her voice rang with a shrill echo against Kaili’s senses.

For a very brief moment, silence fell over the alleyway.

 

[Amea Virou]

“And then the park?”
“Sounds great.”
“Think they’ll leave us alone this time?”
“Probably not.”

The memories flooded Kaili in a tidal wave of emotion. In reality she didn’t know what hurt the most, the fact that it could be true or how casually Amea had disregarded the entire thing. The most precious memory, the one thing that had saved Kaili from her own collapse, and it was gone. She had thought it would maybe mellow out, that in time they would meet again once Kaili had sorted herself out, and yet…

… And yet this creature had stripped her of that. Amber eyes set on Amea with a menacing growl. Though she lacked the same connection to the force as her former host once had, this one was far from helpless. She propelled herself against the ground, threw her body into Amea with a heavy thud that knocked the brunette down again and into a roll.

Arms against the ground, hands deep in a puddle. Amea struggled for air as one kick after the other struck against her side. The hands that Amea had used for support turned to elbows, elbows turned to stomach. Air grew hard to come by and just as the final kick was about to be delivered, as the lights dimmed before her, a loud shot called into the alleyway with a deafening roar.

This was not how this was meant to have gone! Kaili looked at the barely conscious body before her as the shoulder that had cleaved right through her shoulder forced her to back away from her quarry. Another shot echoed into the night, a sharp pain spread in her chest. Kaili fell back, her eyes set on the sky.

All she had wanted was to become whole again, to take her life back and make amends. Wrap up the loose ends and go back home. Back to Kira, back to Draith and Esmae. Instead she would bleed out in an alleyway. Gunned down by herself and left for dead. She tried to roll over to her side but the strength failed her.

She could hear the way Amea dragged herself over towards her even now. Her towering shadow came into view with its fist raised above the skies. This was it then, the curtains called for the last time. A life to be taken, a wealth of memories lost, like her tears in the Coruscanti rain. At least she wouldn’t feel anything. At least she could die knowing that she had done her best. Her mouth opened, one last word parted her lips.

“Draith.”

As the fist brushed against the blonde’s cheek, and as her corpse fell to the floor, Amea pulled herself up on top of her again. The world had gone quiet around her. She didn’t want to listen, she didn’t want to hear. The voice of whoever it was that had saved her life had instantly become nothing more than an echo of an already suppressed memory. And although the woman in her hand was dead, Amea didn’t relent. For each punch that she could muster she let out one devastated, shrieking sob after the other.

There was little more that she could do other than weep. She wept for everything that had been lost and everything that she had destroyed. The tears that burned against her cheeks were for the family she forsook and the friends that she abandoned. It was a requiem for the childhood that never was and the teenage years she would never be able to reminisce about. The death of her first kiss and love, and all that came between the point of nascence and existence. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, Amea wept out of remorse in its purest form.

And yet, it was also for the freedom of choice and hope. With this death she had created the freedom to be exactly the woman that she had become since that day on Terminus; the day in which Amea Virou had truly been born. Although it had not been her death that allowed it, not directly, it had still brought with it the rebirth of something new. It was hard to see now, but it was the truth of things.

For the first time in her life — her own life — Amea was well and truly free. The chains that were what-ifs and could-beens had been broken, torn apart, and although her past had been lost it had now become hers to shape.

A familiar hand was placed on her shoulder and Amea let the corpse in her hand go. She tried to move away but lacked the strength. Each strain of her muscle forced her to wince and sway to the side. The hand that had been placed on her shoulder then swept under her arms to pull her up instead. It raised her up on her feet again until she stood face to face with the woman that she loved. The burn in her eyes did not fade at the sight, the shiver in her lip as evident as the gloss in her eyes.

Without thinking a second more on it, Amea burrowed her face inside Evelyn’s shoulder where she’d find once more that comfort that she desired. At this point she didn’t know what to do with herself anymore. This made it the second time that Evelyn had rescued Amea at her lowest, the second time that Amea had found herself dumbstruck by the Echani woman’s earnest love and compassion even for scum such as Amea.

The hand on her back let her know that everything was alright.

Amea would stay like this for a while longer.

C-SEC had other worries to attend to. She was sure of it.

[/end]