Approved Planet Mar'Zambul

[Varloc]

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

• Intent: To create a planet for the Gundanbard
• Image Credit: None
• Canon: none
• Permissions: none
• Links: None

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Planet Name: Mar'Zambul
• Demonym: Zambulian
• Region: Unkown regions
• System Name: Mar'Zambul system
• System Features: Sun: Jendu Ultrum | Asteroid belt: Wazuman Belt, farthest celestial body from star
• Location:
  
• Major Imports: Raw materials like Durasteel, Alum.
• Major Exports: Weapons Gundanbard Swords, blasters, artillery.
• Unexploited Resources: Zersium.

GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION

• Gravity: 160% Standard
• Climate: Hot and dry, some species would struggle living here, but the Gundanbard have little trouble.
• Primary Terrain: Rocky wastelands, mountains, and Sand deserts.
• Atmosphere: Type-1

LOCATION INFORMATION

• Capital City: Zambul'Tacris
• Planetary Features: Ancient Gundanbard Ruins.
• Major Locations:
• Zambul Acus- Rhis is a very large City, taking up 1/6 of the planets surface. This city is mainly residential and some business's, mainly weapon dealers. Population: 50,000,000
• Zambul Rix- This is the planets second largest City, it is small compared to Zambul Acus. This city is mainly made up of military shipyards and weapon factories. Population: 630,000
• Plain of War- The Gundanbard gather here to prepare for war. This is also the place where sacred ceremonies take place.
• Black stone caverns- This is a group of caves along a cliff that are known as a place where shamans go for dark side rituals.
• Force Nexus:
  Intent: To create a place where force sensitive Gundanbard draw their power from. And it it also where the Gundanbard as a whole gain a bloodthirsty nature.
  Nexus Name: Aga'Dul
• Nexus Alignment: Dark sided
• Size: Planetary
• Strength: Strong
• Accessibility: This force nexus is in the capital Zambu'Tacris, it is guarded by Gundanbard Shamans and warriors.
• Effects: This nexus gives the Gundanbard an evan bigger hunger for war and power. The dark side energy enters their minds, the dark side energy gives off anger which leads to thier hatred for others. This dark side energy eventually caused the Gundanbard spiecies to be naturally hateful. The power it gives off is called the "Sacred Power", and is extremely holy.

POPULATION

• Native Species: Gundanbard
• Immigrated Species: None
• Population: Heavy
• Demographics:
• 100% Gundanbard
• If caught, any unfortunates unlucky enough to be caught on the planet can potentially be throwing into a pit to die, shot into a star or used on the front lines as living shields.
• Primary Languages: Gardak (Gundanbard language)
• Culture: The Gundanbard are warrior people, they love to fight and conquer. The daily activities are the people either, practice fighting, or work. The Gundanbard also love to have competitions of strength.

GOVERNMENT & ECONOMY

• Government: Monarchy
• Affiliation: Gundanbard
• Wealth: High, the Gundanbard swim in the riches of the sacked planets.
• Stability: High, the Gundanbard make sure to keep order on their home world.
• Freedom & Oppression: The Gundanbard are free to do many things, to a limit. Murder is punishable by 6 years in prison, Thievery is punishable by 5 years of imprisonment, cowardice is punishable by sacrifice, and allowing people out of spieces onto the planet without permission from the higher ups, is punishable by being fed to beasts.

MILITARY & TECHNOLOGY

• Military: This planet has a moderate army, but many Gundanbard can form militias if needed.
• Technology: Galactic Standard

HISTORICAL INFORMATION
The Gundanbard believe that Mar'Zambul was made when the war god Jendu took a piece of the systems star and through it out into space, creating the only planet in the system.
It is also believed that an ancient shaman created the force nexus with the help of Jendu, this shaman was the first Gundanbard force user. Jendu used some of his own soul to create the nexus, then because he is the war god, the nexus made from his soul gave the Gundanbard the hunger for war.
Historical Events

• 2000-1500 bby- Time of chaos- The Gundanbard tribes were at constant war with eachother on the planet.
• 1257 bby- The first Valundor- Civil war ended when the first Valundor, king of the Gundanbard united the tribes and founded the city of Bryn'Dul.
• 1257-no definite end- Gundanbard wars- Under the rule of the Valundor, the Gundanbard tribes raged war with the nearby systems.
• 987-934 bby- Gundanbard civil war- When a Valundor died with no air, and with the tribes not agreeing to go to ritual combat, civil war broke out. In the conflict Mar'Zambul became a battlefield.
• 934 bby- Unification- A warrior shaman of clan Ulsor defeated all other tribes, to become the new Valundor.
• 935 bby-117 aby- Invasion- The Gundanbard Empire quickly conquers more planets in the unkown region, going as far as Xasos and Zuprik. During this time the republic had sent multiple expedition into the unkown region, the Gundanbard Empire was discovered but the republic didn't care about them as long as the Gundanbard's stayed in the unkown region. Also during this time the Empire was founded, but the founding had little impact for they had little contact, the Gundanbard Empire tried to stay away from such a large power.
• 177 aby-now- Present state- The Gundanbard Empire expands little at this time and it eventually begins to designate.
• 427 aby- Gulag Plague- The plague reaches the Gundanbard Remnants and the people who have it sacrifice themselves or are killed, in a semi-successful attempt to rid of the disease. At this time the Empire went throughout a great fracture, the Empire was broken down into states, each state is 1-4 planets, many of which still stand today.

 

[Zak Dymo]

Varloc

Under Review.

 

[Zak Dymo]

Varloc

I'll be conducting this review for you. While I appreciate the thematic elements, this needs some further development before it will be ready to be stamped.

1. Region.

Region: Unkown regions

As per the template, please link Unknown Regions here.

2. Location.
This is a broken image link that appears to be Gmail link. That won't work as an image host. If you need help with finding a host for your image, please let me know.

3. Major Imports.

Major Imports: Raw materials.

Can you give examples of some of these raw materials? As per the template: Common materials and ores should just be listed (Ex. Durasteel ore), while anything special or rare should be linked.

4. Major Locations.

Major Locations: None

You state that the population of the planet is Heavy, but the only location of note is the capital city? Is this planet an ecumenopolis? Likewise, you state (further in the submission) that the planet has a huge military, but there are no bases of note? At a minimum, the capital city should be described as a major location.

5. Freedom & Oppression.

Freedom & Oppression: The Gundanbard are free to do many things, to a limit.

Can you provide more detail on what this limit is? What are the penalties for violating these limits? What are some examples of the freedoms that the Gundanbard enjoy?

6. Technology.

Technology: Glactic Standard

Minor spelling error here: Galactic.

7. Historical Information
There is a lot that seems to be missing here. If you refer to the Codex Rules, this section needs to address both canon and Chaos history. When did Mar'Zambul join the galactic community? Was it before or after the Galactic Civil War? Before or after the Gulag Plague? How did the planet fare during the Four Hundred Years Darkness? Was it impacted by the events of the Clockwork Rebellion or the Netherworld?

Those are my thoughts. Please let me know if you have any questions in light of my comments, otherwise please tag me when you have completed any edits.

 

[Zak Dymo]

Varloc

Can I get a status update on this, please?

 

[Varloc]

I have completed multiple edits.
Zak Dymo

 

[Zak Dymo]

Varloc

Thank you for those edits, but I think there are some spots that still need some clarification.

1. Location.

Location: space in between Righar and Osseriton

The correct spelling is Rhigar.

So, if I understand correctly, then this would display the correct hex? If so, feel free to use or link the below image. Its certainly not required to do so, but having the visual can help.

2. Major Imports.

Major Imports: Raw materials, Durasteel, Alum, and others.

This is good, but I need you to further elaborate what you intend by "...and others."

What other imports, specifically? Bear in mind that this need not be exhaustive of every possible import of note. If you later decide that you would have liked to have included something in the list, you can always do a Submission Modification to amend the list or update the planet lore.

3. Unexploited Resources.

Unexploited Resources: Durasteel.

Durasteel is an alloy, not a naturally occurring metal. I'd recommend replacing this with Zersium, which is a primary component ore used in durasteel production.

4. Template Note (Force Nexus)

Force Nexus (Optional):

Please strike the words (Optional) from this. The parenthetical language is part of the template instructions and isn't meant to be part of the final submission.

5. Freedom and Oppression

and allowing people out of spiecies illegally onto the planet is punishable by being fed to beasts.

Minor spelling error here: Species.

6. Historical Information
I can see that this section has been expanded, but it still does not appear to connect this planet to the canon history or the Chaos history. It states that Mar'Zambul conquered other planets in the Unknown Regions, but does not identify any of those planets. Or even how many of these that there are. Similarly, the Gundanbard Empire is stated to have existed since 935 BBY, but there's no mention of how it interacted with the Galactic Republic or whether the Galactic Civil War had any impact on it. Similarly, continuing to exist after 117 ABY, there's no mention of how it was impacted by the Gulag Plague (how did it maintain control of these other planets during the Four Hundred Years Darkness?).

There needs to be more work here to flesh these details out.

Those are my thoughts. Please let me know if you have any questions, otherwise please tag me when you have completed any edits.

 

[Varloc]

Made multiple edits.
Zak Dymo

 

[Zak Dymo]

Varloc

I think we're getting to a good spot with this. There's just one piece of the history that I'd like re-worked.

935 bby-117 aby- Invasion- The Gundanbard Empire quickly conquers more planets in the unkown region, going as far as yoggoy and Durace. During this time the republic had sent multiple expedition into the unkown region, the Gundanbard Empire was discovered but the republic didn't care about them as long as the Gundanbard's stayed in the unkown region. Also during this time the Empire was founded, but the founding had little impact for they had little contact, the Gundanbard Empire tried to stay away from such a large power.

Rather than claim planets on the map, as a kind of historical Major Faction (which would circumvent the faction rules), I'd suggest building out the empire narratively, giving names to planets that could be future submissions as you develop the Gundanbard on the board. A canon example would the the Atrisian Commonwealth, which is said in Legends Canon to consist of over 200 worlds -- but only 1 or 2 are ever identified. So, I offer that as some possible inspiration for how to craft this.

Once that's done, this will be ready for Administrator review.

 

[Varloc]

Fixed, and thanks for all the feedback!
Zak Dymo

 

[Zak Dymo]

Varloc

I appreciate your flexibility with those edits.

Approved, pending secondary.

 

[John Locke]

Varloc

I can see that you've got most of the issues with this submission, but there are still a few things I need to bring to your attention.

Major Imports

Major Imports: Raw materials, Durasteel, Alum.

Major Imports: [ What the planet frequently buys from other planets. Common materials and ores should just be listed (Ex. Durasteel ore), while anything special or rare should be linked. ]

While durasteel is a common material, and is infact mentioned in the template, Alum is not. I had to do a google search to find out what it is, as the rule state that "anything special or rare should be linked" could I please ask you to provide a link to it, which can be found here. In addition, please could you specify which raw materials you mean in your submission? Are you referring to Durasteel and Alum? Or something else?

Major Exports

Major Exports: Weapons.

Could you please specify which kind of weapons the planet exports? There is a world of difference between exporting swords, and capital ship weapons.

Climate

Climate: Hot

Hot alone isn't enough to describe the climate of the planet, how hot is it? Anyone choosing to roleplay on this planet will need a little more information so that they can set the scene and know what they need to react to. Is the planet's climate hot enough to be habitable, or is it hot enough that most species would be forced to stay inside and not venture out into the blazing heat?

Capital City

Capital City: Bryn'Dul

The name of your city is almost identical to the faction "The Bryn'adûl", please change the name of your capital city to something else.

Force Nexus

• Force Nexus:
  Intent: To create a place where force sensitive Gundanbard go to connect with the Force.
  Nexus Name: Aga'Dul
• Nexus Alignment: Neutral
• Size: Planetary
• Strength: Strong
• Accessibility: This force nexus is in the capital Bryn'Dul, it is guarded by Gundanbard Shamans and warriors.
• Effects: This nexus gives the Gundanbard an evan bigger hunger for war and power.

A planetary level strong nexus is a very powerful nexus, and requires a description and history that takes it into account accordingly. How was the Nexus created? How does it give the Gundanbard a stronger desire for war and power? Why?

This doesn't need to be covered here, but can be expanded on in the Historical Information section.

Demographics

Demographics: 100% Gundanbard

Demographics: [ Please describe the population assortment found on this planet. Is it primarily human inhabitants with only a small percentage of aliens? Or perhaps the other way around? Is this a place open to all kinds of races or is there a strong theme of racism and xenophobia? Specific race percentages are welcome but not required. ]

While you do explain what the population is, could you please provide a little more detail. Are they open to outsiders visiting or settling there? Are they xenophobic and view other races with mistrust? Anyone coming to roleplay on the planet would need to know these details so they can describe how the citizens of the planet react to the. When dealing with a planet submission the more detail you can provide the better.

Wealth and Stability

• Wealth: High, the Gundanbard swim in the riches of their conquered planets.
• Stability: High, the Gundanbard make sure to keep order on their planets.

You mention "planets" in both of these fields, however according to the board rules only a major faction may own and control multiple planets. Please change this to reflect the fact that this is a submission for a single planet.

Freedom and Oppression

Freedom & Oppression: The Gundanbard are free to do many things, to a limit. Murder is punishable by 6 years in prison, Thievery is punishable by 5 years of imprisonment, cowardice is punishable by sacrifice, and allowing people out of spieces illegally onto the planet is punishable by being fed to beasts.

What do you mean by "allowing people out of spieces illegally onto the planet"?

Military

Military: This planet has a huge military, almost everyone is a warrior

5. Only a Major Faction has the resources necessary to role-play having a large fleet, army, etc.

According to the site rules, only a major faction may have a large army, but your submission seems to imply that your planet is capable of fielding a similarly sized army. Please adjust the field to take this into account.

Historical Information

At this time the Empire went throughout a great fracture, the Empire was broken down into states, many of which still stand today.

What kind of states are you talking about? Single planets? Groups of planets?

 

[Varloc]

I have done many edits.
John Locke

 

[John Locke]

Varloc

Thank you for making those changes. We're almost there, just a little more fine-tuning to go..

Major Exports

Major Exports: Weapons Gundanbard Swords, blasters, artillery, ad other.

Although this is much better, the "and others" is still a concern though, we need to be specific because and others could mean anything from slingshots to spinal lasers for battlecruisers. If you could be a little more specific here that would help future RPers on your planet.

Force Nexus

Thank you for including the line in the Historical Information section. However, could you please flesh this out a little more. You've said what people believe cause it, but what was the actual cause? For a Nexus that's this powerful I'd prefer to see a little more information.

Demographics

• Demographics:
• 100% Gundanbard
• No other species are alowed on the planet. If any unfortunate come to the planet they are either, thrown into a pit to die, shot into a star, or used on the front lines as living shields.

This is much better, however, since you can't control what happens to another writer could you soften the language here? Perhaps something like the following:

"If caught, any unfortunates unlucky enough to be caught on the planet can potentially be throwing into a pit to die, shot into a star or used on the front lines as living shields."

 

[Varloc]

John Locke
Edits have been made!

 

[John Locke]

Varloc

Thank you for making those changes

Approved.

 

[Srina Talon]

Submission Name: Mar'Zambul
Link to Submission: https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/marzambul.139425/
Reason for Moving to Pre-Codex: To update force nexus

Don't forget to include a list of changes and tag a member of Codex Staff when you're ready.

 

[Varloc]

Judah Lesan

• Added 2 Major locations
• Changed nexus alignment to dark
• And updated effects

 

[Judah Lesan]

Under review

 

[Judah Lesan]

Varloc

This is mostly good to go as the edits are pretty straight forward, however, as is our practice I did read through the submission in its entirety and I am confused on one thing in regards to your force nexus.

Under intent you list the Nexus as a place where the force sensitive Gundanbard can go to connect with the force, and yet you have listed the sice of the Nexus as planetary. This would mean that they actually do not have to go anywhere. It seems your intent and the size do not match. Was your intent to have them make a pilgrimage or simply to have their connection magnified because of the effects of a nexus? It would seem that based on your intent any of the other options would work, but planetary does not.

Please advise?

 

[Varloc]

Judah Lesan
Ok I hope that fixes the confusion.