Mind the Gap, Love (Self Training/PM for Interest)

[Yasha Cadera]

It happened on a Tuesday afternoon. I was working on some military inspection docs for the High Council and my left arm started twitching. Curious, thought I as I kept working till a swoon took my head. By swoon I mean I fell into my Assistant, Colonel Kavi Raste as he was addressing the conundrum of the fourth fleet and an Arbiter. I got sloppy. I didn't care. He flew me straight to Jared's penthouse and I threw him out as the twitch in my arm turned into a full blown phantom-pain nerve attack.

Who lit my arm on fire? Tossing my jacket off, I had enough time to kick off my boots before an ungodly pain wracked both legs and I flopped in a tangle on our bed. His bed? [member="Jared Ovmar"] and my bed. On that crazy Tuesday afternoon it became the tether that snapped. My own gurgled screams threw themselves past my larynx and out shocked, circular lips as my back tossed against the mattress. A searing, wrenching, gut twisting cacophony of stress, fear, pain took my legs.

The scream tore a streak of agony through any process of my nervous system, built on a pain I didn't understand nor cared to. It had to stop, the pain had to stop, I breathed through it, put my hands to my legs and pushed Control Pain into them, but it wasn't my pain. I groped at the side of the bed trying to pull myself up, call [member="Spencer Jacobs"], [member="Coryth Elaris"], heck I'd call the cleaning lady if I knew her number, but before I could reach the comm unit, lungs hyperventilating and raw another world-wrenching pain sizzled up my legs. Someone was dipping my legs in lava, or crushing them under a rock and then - oh then.

I saw his face, and the world cut out.

Black, desperate pain crashed down in an adamantine wall as I wailed and the wall shut me down. Suddenly I was a sweating, panting mess in our bedroom and the excruciating torture was a vacant memory of the last few hours. The sun poured cheerily in through the transparisteel window, nothing out of place but the line of jacket, boot, boot, keycards scattered in a twisted line toward the bed.

I pushed off the bed and collided with the floor. The torn ribbons of my brain hadn't recovered from the uncanny, unfamiliar shock. Woke up on a Thursday curled in a ball on the floor. I know so little of what caused that freaky Tuesday, and as I sit in a room in the Training Grounds trying to piece the event and my own mind together, I know a couple absolutes.

There were tremors, emotions, crippling life-wrending pain, then nothing. An abyss. I have to find him, you know. And I'm not strong enough to do that yet.

[member="Jared Ovmar"]: my paramour, rescuer, Councilmember and friend was gone.

I curl my leg underneath my body, prop my elbow up on the other knee and lean against the side wall. I'm dressed in thick grey cargo trousers and a black long sleeve t-shirt, a loose sweater hangs off my thin shoulders and my hair is unkempt - scattered across my face. Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths. One - hold. Three - exhale. My eyes shut and I pull inward, stroking at my Light Side Connection to the Force to be the only guide I've got right now. Unless…

I start reaching out by inches, tentative as a birdling in a creaky nest holding out for the familiar mental presences of the slim few I trust. Spencer, Coryth, Thurion, Jared.

My lips push together as the tendrils reach further and further out. Locate, Identify, Communicate. Three steps.

 

[Allyson Locke]

I never thought I’d have that feeling again. The dark pit of despair that follows the snuffing of a life. I should have known that one day I’d feel his fire leaving the reality of life and joining the flowing Force. He was reckless, something that I couldn’t remove from him. I saw it coming for nearly a month, I knew I should have warned him – I knew he wouldn’t have listened.

He was reckless, but he was mine.

I was sitting quietly in the middle of my mediation room on Annaj. I had a moment to spare between the paper work and the dealings of the Fringe. Mediation seemed to be the only way my mind settled, for just a moment I allowed myself to lower my defenses – to feel every ounce of the Force and the beings that populated the planet. Whispers echoed in the back of my mind, wishes, hopes, dreams, fears, anything that mortality gave us to think about – I heard them. To feel what they felt made me feel alive again – connected with the Force and her children. While my walls began to build themselves back up, something hit me. There was a mind I constantly kept tabs on, mostly because I knew the owner of this mind was reckless to a fault, and I had a soft spot for him. The mind suddenly dropped off my radar, this caused me to remain open. I searched for my blood and there was nothing. My nose wrinkled as I stood up, I focused harder and figured that the trail was just farther in space. After a few minutes though, I picked up on the trail – it as weak and every fiber of my being flared to life. Small hairs on my neck stood up as I knew this feeling, I had felt it before with her. The feeling grew weaker and weaker till I couldn’t feel the trail no more. I had hoped it was distance, my eyes shut tightly as I did my best to focus on it I had to find him. The moment my eyes shut his face flashed and invaded my mind. The feeling of our bond pulled and then snapped.

He was so reckless…and now he was gone.

The memory of the rest of the day flowed into the holocron. Spencer watched as her figure in the memory fell to the ground clutching her chest. A scream of pain she could only imagine a mother having when she lost a child. The Master didn’t know why she watched the moment over and over, but the holocron continued to record storing the horrid memory for her references. It seemed to be the only thing that helped her understand that Jared Ovmar, the man that she had searched the Galaxy for was gone. The echo of her painful screams filled the mediation room, until she watched as Ashin entered the room and comforted her wife. Spencer had locked herself in the meditation room as she restarted her research on Dark Transfer. Research that was going nowhere in the midst of her sudden depression.

Spencer didn’t take death very well.

Deciding she needed a change of scenery, Spencer moved from the meditation room and started to walk down the hallway. She hadn’t eaten since Tuesday and it showed on her frail body, clothing hung off of her differently as she walked down the hallway. Something buzzed in the back of her mind, stopping, Spencer ran a hand through her blonde hair and pondered on letting the connection in. There was a familiarity to it and it was close by. Sighing softly, she lowered her guard enough to feel it and nodded. Leaning against a nearby wall, she folded her arms and sighed. The student was one she briefly worked with, their connection and bond wasn’t as strong as hers and Jared’s – but it was there. Running a finger under her nose Spencer spoke breaking the chant Anders had been repeating over and over again.

You’re focusing too hard – this shouldn’t be hard for you to do. You’re an Empath focus on emotions and move through there. Have you learned nothing?

Spencer smirked as she nodded her head, she was hard on the kids – but if she could avoid losing another one. So be it.

[member="Anders Sivas"]

 

[Yasha Cadera]

My mind shudders up from the tense, thick fog. I stutter and catch my breath as [member="Spencer Jacobs"]'s mind floods in and rebukes me. Too hard, had I learned nothing? Before the mental eyes of Spencer Jacobs a shivering, huddled young Naboo pulls deeper into my leather coat. In my panic I didn't realize I'd grabbed one of Jared's. Too hard. I was pushing too much of myself into the simplest maneuver of the mind.

'I can't find him. I can't find him.' My mouth works, hanging open as my jaw muscles work in an anguish which rolls off me and into the air. I try to catch it, to swirl the emotions around me and let them die in my arms but I can't do it. I'm tired and I'm weak and my legs burn with the pain [member="Jared Ovmar"] must have felt when he... he faded. Blocked off. 'I've learned how to heal, h-how to go inward and stop someone from taking my mind from me, but I haven't learned this... not this. I don't know what happened, one second my arm was twitching and the next I was on the ground ... my legs felt shattered, I tried to heal them but it wasn't my pain. I knew it wasn't and he's out there and I have to find him. Calm down, cam down, calm down. Stop trying so hard... okay. . . okay, okay, think Anders... calm down. Feel for the emotions... I can do that.'

I hug into the coat and shut my eyes, my mind calmer now and less frenetic. I search out not for a specific mind but a familiar feeling: an emotional quality like fragrance in the air of a familiar flower. I stretch and stretch and stretch my mind trying to locate Jared Ovmar. I am open and exposed to Spencer, letting the cacophony of those around me thunder into my head and madly sift through them to find the man I seek. The man whose good will has kept me safe and protected and l--.

I feel [member="Coryth Elaris"] on the edge, quiet and resting in the lake-side boat. I feel the cacophonous [member="Mikhail Shorn"] in a gloat or a dance of victory or ... but no Jared. 'I can't find him. Why can't I find him?' I don't want to recognize what my mind is already telling me: I don't want to accept that Jared was gone.

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer didn't move she listened to Anders and nodded. There was much confusion clouding the Knight and Spencer knew there wasn't much she could do in this situation. She had been in it several times, but no matter what she didn't know what to say. Sighing softly, Spencer rested a hand against her own face and took in the situation. Should she be the one to burn the truth into Anders mind or should she let the boy figure it out. Shaking her head, she couldn't just let the kid wallow in pity and search for Jared when they both knew he was gone.

Through the mist of Ander's mind a voice rang clear. There was nothing behind it or any hint that the girl knew more than what Ander's knew. Using the connection Spencer moved towards the training room and pressed the door open. The least she could do after she relayed the news was be there for some sort of comfort.

Jared is dead.

Standing in the doorway she let her message flow through the force and pierce her fellow Fringer's mind. Sighing softly, she quickly built up her walls to protect her mind from the crippling effects of her empathy. Ander's would feel Spencer's presence quickly fade from him as now her physical form was there.

[member="Anders Sivas"]

 

[Yasha Cadera]

The cave in my chest crumbled, my ribcage scoured with sandpaper and the very air a fount of acidic gas. [member="Spencer Jacobs"]' mind recedes as her body presents itself and I on the floor - I curl in Jared's jacket as if soaking the leather to my skin will bring his atomic cloud across solar systems and planetary atmosphere into this room on Annaj. I rub my eyes with the heels of my palms and pull up to my feet.

"No. You're wrong." Don't know what kind of courage I have telling the great Spencer Jacobs she's incorrect but the words are out of my mouth and into the ether. Her mind closed to me, there's no presence or entity for my natural symbiosis to connect to. No wayward persona to grasp and pull on like a sweater in cold weather. I grit my teeth and settle my androgynous face. "Death feels different. He's cut off, he's not dead. He can't be dead. . . " Even Jared's persona is gone from me.

I stare at Spencer, my lungs heaving and I feel sick. She knows what's coming, it would be impossible for an empathic master like her to be ignorant. "He's hiding, or incapacitated or mind warped, he's not dead he can't be dead! I have to try harder, look for him or something. Find out where it happened. . . he can't. . " My mouth hangs open, eyes begin to burn.

"I saw his face, Spencer. I saw Mikhail Shorn's face when Jared cut out on me. What.. what does that mean? Oh goddess... Spencer can't you find him? Please, try again. I'm growing, I'm just . . growing but you're the Master you're Spencer fecking Jacobs, what am I doing wrong if I can't find him?"

 

[Allyson Locke]

Spencer listened and she knew what was coming. Her first instinct was to calm the room remove the negative emotions by spreading her influence, but times she had done this they were met with ill feelings towards her. No this time she would make sure she asked. Entering the room she watched as the boy covered himself in Jared's jacket – one she had seen him wear many times before this. This made her question the relationship between Jared and Anders. Was there something she was missing?

Trying not to focus on that, she continued to move forward till she knelt beside Anders. A hand reached out softly running its back against the youthful face. Soft, had she expected something else? Pulling her hand back she watched knowing that her calm would help the boy, but she remained determined to not overstep her boundaries. Sighing softly, she remained close prepared for anything that would and probably will occur. It was a good thing her stomach wasn't easily turned against her.

“Anders. I placed a blood trail on him, I can't feel it anymore. The last time this happened...Ashin...she died. My connection to him is gone, both through the Force and physically. My only assumption is that he's dead or worst lost somewhere in the Force.” She paused knowing that this wasn't making anything better or reasonable.

“I've been meditating on it – trying to find him. I don't feel him anymore. All I can do now...is comfort you. I can...I can make it all go away – make it easier for you to rest and clear your mind. I can't find him Anders – I've tried and he's gone.”

[member="Anders Sivas"]

 

[Yasha Cadera]

My lip contracts and releases in succession, chest weighted by [member="Spencer Jacobs"]' truth. It was far from idyllic and far from right but [member="Jared Ovmar"] was dead. Gone. If the great Spencer Jacobs couldn't feel him, if the blood trail failed and I couldn't sense Jared the only possibilities were death or loss. Either unacceptable. Both possible and both likely. I sat on the ground and hugged my hands on my kneecaps, as Spencer put her hand on my cheek.

The floodgates opened, but I did not cry. From outside the whimpers and moans began, people within a discernible distance began to moan, cry, the sounds of weeping and sobs pushed into the air as sentient beings - people began to shudder and fall and cry. I start hyperventilating, gazing up in Spencer's face for a solution to the unconscionable projections I'm pushing out. How I'm doing it I don't know, but I search up in Spencer's eyes for a way to save me. A way to save me and keep me from this disaster.

Tears begin to roll down my sallow cheeks, as the sobbing sounds of the people outside become louder and louder - pitched into a growing temperature by the shocking agony entered in my mind. "He must be lost. He has to be. . . Goddess, Jared's dead. H-he's. . . please. Make this easier to handle. Make me useful... Please... I ... please help me, Spencer. Please. . . Ashin died? But you got Ashin back! You got her back, help me . . . I can still get him back, right?"

What would I do without him? Where would I go then?