Private Mirror Image

[Zaavik Perl]

I will pretend to live without my skin...
​

Meet up with you later.

Later came. All who still lingered remained welcoming, even when Zaavik was seemingly on his own. It dispelled some of his notions about their intentions. Mostly. He couldn't help but assume ulterior motives behind every smile and sentence. Force of habit. One exasperated by being a fugitive in a political red zone. Slowly, surely, Zaavik faded away from the familial pleasantries and conversation. Once no eyes were on him, he slipped off, invisible.

Despite the fact this was the third opulent estate he found himself in just this month, he still wasn't used to it. A far cry from his apartment back on Coruscant, or the slum house on Zeltros. What does anyone do with all of this room? So much of the space felt negative, empty, featureless. It was almost unsettling in its mundane nothingness.

Five knocks. A pattern long ago pre-determined. The door opened, Zaavik slipped in. Air shimmered, a blur of black clarified into his image.

"I thought I'd never get away from them," Zaavik remarked, relieved.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia turned, pained features brightening as Zaavik slipped into her room. Or would that be their room? Aradia hadn't broached that subject and she didn't care to. She might be 18 now but with Kaalia she still felt like that child slave taught how to make choices again.

She was just glad he reached her. Neither would sleep well without the other at their back, that was just a fact.

"Tell me about it." She tucked her clothing and shoes into a cloth bag and set it by her bed. An unfamiliar tee shirt fell past her thighs. Her very appearance told the story she had not.

The talk had gone well. As well as it could of. When Aradia didn't feel secure she wore shoes. Yes, shoes to bed. She settled for tucking the bag by her pillow. The flush of alcohol had faded a bit from her cheeks. She reached past him and locked the door.

"Gideon," was her only explanation, her five year old brother more than excited about the new playmate in the house.

He would be even more excited at five am.

She looked back to Zaavik, tired lines reaching her eyes as she smiled tightly.

"Ready for bed?"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Pulling a face, Zaavik wondered if the kid would really barge in like that. If anyone would know, it would be the one that'd lived with it. Though, he couldn't ever recall doing anything like that when he was that young. Maybe Gideon didn't risk the same consequences Zaavik faced for having the nerve to act his age all those years ago. Perks of having an actual family.

Thoughts were banished from his head with a subtle, tight blink. He caught those thoughts and discarded them before he could feel sorry for himself. Shades of envy blossomed whenever he realized how normal her adopted family was. They often tried to disguise themselves as sorrows.

"Not really," he confessed. Being in the Core had him on edge, and what was coming tomorrow made it even worse. Only one half of his worries could be soothed, as one half was still part of his lie to leave early. Zaavik shed his jacket anyway, wry smile regarding back to her genuine one.

"Gonna have to try anyway," he conceded.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Same.

She nodded and slid past him, moving back for the bed that she had had time to reacquaint herself with. While the space was hers, she felt a stranger to it. The family move out of Dromund Kaas had occurred after her own defect from the Empire, and even that room had been given to her after her adoption just a year prior.

Aradia didn't know what it was to have a space to call home, but the original lodgings Kaalia had provided when she bought her felt close enough. Some of those belongings were here now-- a crystal from a lesson she had liked, a small alter that held all four elements, and a worn down dagger Gideon had found between her bed and the wall. She stopped by the shelf they were gathered on, her fingers skimming the crystal for a spare moment.

Life had been so simple before the war.

She bit back the pang and slid into the bed, fire jumping into its place in the alter as she walked away.

"Did they leave you alone down there?"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

How could Zaavik not be curious? Eyes wandered around belongings and dressings. Neat, organized, sterile, nothing like the fabric and drink-can tornado that was his old place. Vacancy may have been to blame for much of it, but he had a notion she'd prefer it this way.

"No," he replied. "I was lucky I even had the opportunity to slip." Zaavik was getting a closer look at the miniscule altar as he spoke, trailing a wide circumference around the room. Breath blew out of his lungs, reverberating a sigh through the room. "They're exhausting," he japed.

Light underhand toss draped his jacket across a beside chair. He dropped, sitting on the edge of the mattress. Two open hands mopped his face top to bottom, masking a yawn. Slowly, he craned to look back over his shoulder toward Aradia. "Did uh- You and Kaalia-? You know." He missed a beat. "How'd it go?"

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia shrugged, non communicative as she held out a pair of men's sweats.

"She got this for you."

She turned away as he took it, eyes unconsciously avoiding his as she settled into bed. For all his efforts to try and connect her back to her roots, it would take something more direct to get her to talk. She had never done it before. She had even less of a reason to now.

"No one's kicking us out." She concluded .But had Kaalia been able to get through to her? Were things repaired?

She slid under the covers, no longer tired herself.

"I was thinking about asking for a new ship... Have it stocked up... hide it somewhere... so we don't have another Vyjun."

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"She got me... pants?" Zaavik blinked, raised a brow. Weird. Odd as it was, he still took them. Kicked his boots off, changed, sat down again. "I had a feeling she wouldn't mind," he remarked upon confirmation that they weren't squatting. More secure than the ship, but he still wouldn't have minded being allowed at least a blaster under the pillow.

Laying down, he did his best to squeeze himself onto what wasn't exactly intended for two people. A noise of discomfort rolled on his tongue. She changed the subject, but he didn't pry. "You don't think that's too much to ask?" he questioned. "I guessed this family was big cred, house kinda gives it away, but that sounds like, I dunno, a lot." Zaavik hadn't ever had his own ship in any legitimate sense. One, technically, if you counted the stolen one landed out front.

Aradia was as frustratingly pragmatic as ever. Truthfully he abhorred the idea. Not that it wasn't a good one, but the considerable size of the charity made him feel incapable. Couldn't they just steal another one? At least that way, he'd feel like they'd done it for themselves. Zaavik bit his tongue before he could suggest it. She wouldn't go for that while Kaalia's help was on the table. Pride wasn't a flaw she shared in the same caliber.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia shrugged as he changed, not finding the gesture so odd herself. Kaalia said they could sleep here. He couldn't sleep in cargo pants. She didn't realize how tender the gesture really was, it was just a normal part of the family she rejected.

They looked after each other here. He was quickly experiencing how seamlessly they absorbed another into their ranks. Aradia never understood it. All this time, she was still waiting for them to change their minds.

The full-sized bed fit them both comfortably. No more cabin living now. She shimmied closer to him regardless, till his words left her stalling.

that sounds like, I dunno, a lot.

She blinked hard, a strange sense of embarrassment crawling through her shoulders. She shrugged non communicatively, second guessing if that was too much for someone like her to ask.

"...I'mnotaslaveanymore."

What she meant to say was: They said I'm family.

But that would mean owning it-- a feat she could not bring herself to do.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"I didn't mean it like that."

Zaavik understood at once how little use there would be in explaining. Reddish features pulled a face just behind Aradia's peripheral as he considered. "Forget I said anything," he insisted, nearly a whisper as his head settled behind hers. Would they expect something in return, or did family ties make Aradia exempt from a repayment? Kaalia was already doing him a favor by keeping their plans to herself, even if the arrangement was mutually beneficial.

How big could their tab possibly get?

The air itself felt alien here, a strange sensation he hadn't noticed before. It was telling of just how odd this all was. Back in the core, in the estate of a former Dark Councilor, and in the same bed as her daughter no less. What did that make him? How much worse would it be if they caught him here? Feelings of impending disaster made one of his legs restless.

An arm slithered around his partner, seeking some semblance of relief. Fingers crept between fabric and skin, artificial receptors sending the sensation of Aradia's warmth from circuits to organics. It was dull, muted, hindered by his unfamiliarity with the systems when he'd reconstructed the limb. Idly, his fingers traced across her skin with alternating fingers, mind taking note of inconsistencies in sensation. A list of what adjust complied for no other reason than procrastination of sleep.

Index caught in a fissure, traced a wide, deep cicatrix back and forth. He'd seen it before, and the ones that accompanied it, but he'd never asked. As if on cue, vague empathic imagery flashed though his mind. Fuzzy watercolors associated with unpleasant emotions. Too muddled to decipher. Concerned curiosity quickly got the better of him.

"What happened here?" he asked, tracing it back for emphasis.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Right.

Let it go.

Okie.

She settled down, a flick of the force killing the lights. She shifted onto her side, facing away from him so she could stare at the none existant wall and let the question roll through her.

Would that be too too much? Did she even have a right to ask? They needed this...

His question started her out of her revere. Her thoughts skipped to the fingers tracing her side, quickly filling the blanks. Even still, she was quiet. The answer didn't come easily. For a moment she couldn't even recall, but when it did she swallowed hard and relented.

This was Zaavik after all.

"I didn't duck fast enough. ...Fell into a scrap pile. It was sharp. ... I was young," she admitted, whispering over the velvety darkness of night. It was almost easier to say it like this, the dark encasing her in a blanket of anonymity. He couldn't read her features then. He couldn't see the way he question laid her open, vulnerable and small.

There was only what she gave him. Nothing more. Nothing less. Safe.



"Got better at ducking after that," she added, a reassuring note over her shoulder.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

The memory clarified slightly on a subsequent trace. Zaavik winced. "Ouch," he gasped as an empathetic whisper. Metal fingers found another, similar groove and traced in kind. "This one too?" Rhetorical question, more thinking out loud than actual inquiry. He could already tell it had to be siblings with the other one. Short exploration found their triplet. The last two weren't nearly as severe as the first, but reflections of it all the same.

"What were you learning to avoid?" he questioned cautiously. Silently, he forced a lump down his throat. He knew it had to be something less than pleasant. They never talked about their respective upbringings. A mutual understanding of suffering always took the place of the conversation. Admittedly, Zaavik was the least receptive of the couple to speak about it. That understanding was almost entirely for his sake.

The possibility of his untold intentions for the coming morning being the end of him forced him to be open. Things he wanted to know, and things he didn't want to take to the grave felt as if they'd slipped out of their usual nooses. Would Aradia think he was just warming up finally? The prospect of dissapointing her was almost enough to discourage him.

Almost, but not quite.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Yeah. That one too.

Aradia swallowed hard, mentally following his fingers as they traced their way over the scars. The unwanted memory came forward-- foggy and distant and full of feelings that made her gut twist.

What was she learning to avoid?

"A fist," she answered, her voice hoarse. She turned, unconsciously seeking comfort in the form of his arms. She pressed against him, legs entwining and her palms resting against his chest. The tightness in her own chest began to subside. She relaxed into his pillow and mindlessly reciprocated the soothing touch.

"Not every master was as understanding as Vesta."

Or Kaalia.

"I was sold a lot. I was weak. I couldn't keep up. Sometimes they had a temper," she told him, matter of fact. She didn't let herself feel anything on it. Moving on required an unhealthy batch apathy. It was a coping skill that might one day cause others undo pain. She didn't care. It kept her whole.

Her reciprocating touch run circles over the scarring under her finger pads, the repetition soothing them both. She feel silent for a long moment, the can he had opened shedding light to the questions she had kept buried down.

She sucked in a breath of courage peered up through the darkness.

"And you?"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Some of what she said confirmed conclusions he'd drawn for himself. The rest revealed details he hadn't known or considered. Zaavik frowned imperceptivity against the dark. "That's rough," he croaked. He had recived his own fair share of strikes and beatings, but being sold?

"I can't imagine how humiliating that must have felt." Zaavik did his best to validate the feelings he could sense, but knew she wouldn't let herself acknowledge, even if he couldn't truly relate. Metal hand raised, gently searched the dark until it found her face. The backs of cool, burnished fingers stroked her cheek in a slow, comforting rhythm.

"You've come a long way," he asserted. That small phrase meant a lot of things. She wasn't weak anymore. She could keep up, in fact, Zaavik was the one who struggled to do that now. She wasn't anyone's property anymore. Most of all, she was loved, and by many more than she let herself realize. Though, he didn't elaborate. She'd know what he meant. At least, he hoped. Zaavik wasn't sure he'd have the fortitude to spell it out if she didn't.

"And you?"

There was a subtle tremor in Zaavik's next exhale. Without even realizing it, he'd gently seized one of her hands away from his chest. Staring aimlessly into the dark, Zaavik organized the words in his mind before he could even begin to explain. Apprehension started in his chest, crept up to his throat and began to claw. There would be a drawn out silence before he managed to oblige her curiosity.

"I was what we called arratoi." Zeltron was a curious language. Perfect translations were very often absent when it came to rendering phrases into Galactic Basic. Thus, it took Zaavik a moment to articulate his best effort, "Wrench rat." It resonated off his lips as if even repeating it was a painful affront to his person.

He went on, explaining what a Wrench Rat was, "Instead of using Pit Droids, the cartels would teach street kids how to fix things, because we could fit inside speeder undercarriages and spice-processors. My earliest memory is being taught which way to turn a bolt to loosen it versus tighten it."

The explanation cleared up his affinity for working on things without even having meant to.

"The Spice Families would war with each other. Petty wars on the streets over turf and other stupid chit. I was in a Landspeeder when a rival family hit us with a rocket, or something, I can't really remember what they got us with."

Absence of light obscured his vacant, distant stare.

"I just remember the fire."

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia squeezed her eyes closed, her lip quivering in a sudden wave of emotions he had unlocked. Humiliated was one word for it, yes. Petrified, vulnerable, powerless-- all emotions she wasn't allowed to possess. She wasn't human, she was property.

She was glad for the darkness. It hid the ugly way her face contorted through the reminder of the pain. She had gotten so far. She couldn't allow herself anymore thought than that, his empathy threatening to bring the forbidden emotions back to life. He was the only one to ever validate her.

She kissed his metal fingers, her clammy ones circling around his as he chewed on his own silence.


Fire.

She knew, intimately, the damage it could cause. It was power, but it was also destruction. The concept of being engulfed by it chilled her to bones. She pushed her cheek a little closer into his hand, daring to ask with a small voice,

"That's where Allyson found you?"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"No," Zaavik answered. Allyson's very mention made him flinch. It was rare that he thought back to those days. Especially now, when he had things important enough that he couldn't dwell on the before. "I was really young then," he explained. "I didn't mean Allyson until... almost two years after that." Nearly two long, excruciating years. Free of some evils, but infested with others.

There were details he wanted to add, stories he wanted to tell. Even if for no other reason than to confide, be understood, accepted. Despite that desire, though, he didn't divulge anything more. The first explanation had been difficult enough. At least, if he didn't return, she would know that in the end, he trusted her enough to be willing in the first place.

No use troubling himself even more before the time came.

Instead, he tried to deflect the revelations back to her. The most reliable way to hide his aversion was to make the segues feel natural. "When did Kaalia come across you?" he asked. Zaavik had told his, sort of, so naturally it would be her turn. That was, assuming that precedent was to become procedure.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia could feel the way his insides twisted, covering feelings and memories alike. She could feel the way he tried to hid, but she thought it nothing more than a desire to run from what he was. She never pictured it might be from her. His pain masked the intention of deceit, and the guilt he possessed for it.

She would have done what she always did and let it go, but he had brought this up. She wrapped her arm around him and answered with a heavy sigh. "Five years ago." Meaning she had only been three years into her training when they had first met. Three years in and fighting wars. By all accounts she should be dead.

Most of her peers were.

"I don't understand," she whispered, insistent as she poked back at him. "If you have cousins... why weren't you with them?"

 

[Zaavik Perl]

Aradia's persistence caught Zaavik off guard. It was a question he'd asked himself before, too. Why didn't he end up with his other family? How did he end up on the street? "I don't know," he muttered. "I didn't even know I had any until I was... Fifteen? Sixteen? They didn't know either."

Nasal sigh wisped through the void. His head tilted forward until his forehead rested against hers, keeping their faces apart at an angle. "I just ended up where I ended up, I guess." Truthfully there wasn't much more to it than that. A lot of how he ended up where he did was an enigma.

"I wonder sometimes, but-" Zaavik missed a beat. "No one knows what happened to my Mom. My aunt wouldn't talk about her. I've always just assumed I was an accident with a deadbeat father and an unprepared mother." Just like Aradia with her recollections, Zaavik's conclusion came off as matter-of-fact, with little if any self pity weaved into it.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Aradia took that in, no words of pity found in her chest. Somehow pity always made it worse. Not with pride or ego or anything, just in the way it reminded you you had a reason to ache.

You weren't normal.

You could have gotten better.

You might have even deserved it.

So what's so wrong with you that you didn't?


She didn't slide him pity. She just let a silence stretch back between them, half expecting the flood of words to be the most he would give her. It had been the most she had ever gotten. Strangely, she was grateful for it. "Is it weird to say... I'm almost okay with it all? Like without the wars and-... it... like, its terrible--" She uttered, the faces of the dead coming unbidden forward.

"But I have you. And I wouldn't if it hadn't happened..."

Could something beautiful be born from suffering? It seemed so. She would never get the choice of a normal life, or her current one and then him, but if reality broke and she somehow had... it wouldn't... actually... be an easy choice to make...

She nuzzled him in the dark, her love unspoken.

 

[Zaavik Perl]

"Maybe a little," Zaavik teased. Of course, he knew what she was getting at, even if he thought it was an odd way to say it. If even one piece fell elsewhere, neither of them would have this. It was odd for Zaavik to realize that if they hadn't ever tried to kill one another, they'd be strangers. At what point had animosity become romance? Looking back, it was hard to find the line. Malice had become protective benevolence. For both of them, at some point. Even remembering all the time they'd physically hurt one another, he couldn't imagine having it otherwise.

"But I know what you mean," he assured with a further teasing chortle. Eyelids finally began to feel heavy despite the stressors of the coming dawn. Zaavik let them close, no longer staring fruitlessly against the dark. Content to leave it there, he could have fallen asleep in a matter of moments. Instead, a curiosity prodded him away from unconsciousness. It wanted to be sated. Eyes come open against the black once again.

"Did you ever know yours?" he asked. Referring to parents, as context would imply.

 

[Darth Daiara]

Dead silence erupted from the body in his arms. If not for the quick way her chest rose and fell, he might think she had fallen asleep.

Moments passed, only to be broken by a small whisper. "...yes."

And that might have just been that, but there was a part of her that did not want the doors to close. The openess to which he spoke with was precious. A twinged in her gut made her reach back out, afraid that it could be the last.

They weren't safe yet,

"...Our master sold me to pay for a lost debt. I don't know what's happened to her since. I can barely remember her voice. It was a long time ago," she confessed.