No More Gazing Across The Wasted Years

[Connor Harrison]

Continuing the story…
http://starwarsrp.net/topic/80260-teach-me-to-live-give-me-the-strength-to-try/

Voss
Silver Sanctum Space, West Of The Parlemian Trade Route​

He trusted Kyra as a pilot, but he did check more than usual to make sure she was following him and hadn’t taken a wrong route from Jakku.

The pair were now in the safety of Sanctum space; Connor’s default home. This was where he could be in control and protect Kyra and offer her new glimpses of life.

He had been telling her all about Voss, the planet they were over, and how the Silver Jedi were founded there, and then the Levantine Sanctum merger which formed the SSC. It was rather beautiful to look down upon, something Connor hadn’t taken time to do with all his coming and going. Such a huge world, and the Sanctum were established on just a fraction of it.

”So if you look, on the read-out I sent, the Tingle Arm is to the West and plenty of planets untouched by anyone. You’ve got the Hutts to the South, Mandalorians to the East, and beyond that? The embarrassment that was the mighty Republic and the One Sith creeping over.”

He was talking to her over the com in his cockpit. Looking at the holo-chart, Connor actually saw how much the Sith had eaten away at the Republic, taking worlds from them and reducing their strength dramatically. Soon, he knew, it would be the Sanctum’s turn to either fall or repel.

”Any place take your fancy?”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

There is was. Voss. The alluring world which seemed to engulf every waking moment of Connor's existence.

It was oddly... Normal.

She knew that it was not the planet itself he had been wanting to return to, but what it stood for, his duties, yet all the same she couldn't help but be a little underwhelmed.

Still, it was an absolute beauty to behold. It was enough to bring a smile to her face, more so when Connor began explaining the world in detail. Ever the teacher, it seemed.

"Well, it's not quite Raxus Prime, but it's beautiful in its own way" she joked, though deep down she did hold a special place in her heart for that world - a Junker's dream. Then talk turned to more serious matters... Their destination.

She was grateful to be apart of the discussion where this was concerned, happy that their previous promise of taking these steps together had not been broken.

Her eyes drifted across the various starmaps which detailed the local area and just beyond. So many worlds, so much promise. But it was not a world full of civilization that she wanted, it wasn't somewhere documented.

Quite the contrary.

There were many worlds, both mapped and unmapped, which had never truly been explored for whatever reason. A lack of intrigue, resources, or simply time, many worlds were overshadowed by the greater sister-planets in their system.

Sometimes it was the underdog who held the most wonder, though.

"What about that one?" she said, pointing... Before forgetting he wasn't in the ship with her. "In the Paxe system, a moon of Sucellus?"

There didn't seem to be much else in the system, and there was virtually nothing on the world itself beside a name - Sarkany - so it could hold some marvelous adventure... Or a whole lot of nothing. It was a chance she was willing to take.

But the question was, was Connor?

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Glancing up at the viewport, making sure the flight path was smooth, and also at the HUD, Connor was still getting used to piloting a larger ship than his old E-wing, which he missed. However this flight was a much gentler one than normal, and flying over Voss and the place he called home was rather sentimental. Showing it to Kyra was also a bonus.

Tracing the Paxe system with his finger, he expanded the chart on screen to find Sucellus and two moons. Sarkany and Nott. One was a cold moon with a thin atmosphere, the other was a jungle terrain and uninhabited. Perfect.

”Sarkany it is. Follow me down.”

Sitting back, Connor brought up the nav system and set the course for Sarkany, and banked right to almost go back on themselves and out into the Tingle Arm to find their planet and the moon and everything that it held within.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her gaze lingered over Voss as they passed the world by in search of something different. Somewhere new for them both. For a moment she was worried that Connor didn't approve of the suggestion, or even that he might forsake their plans in favour of returning to Voss.

After all, it was so close...

But he didn't. Instead she followed his flight path away from Voss and into the Tingle Arm where the moon of Sarkany lay in all its glory. She didn't care for the planet it orbited, or the icy sister moon. Just the jungle. A place for them to explore. To make their mark.

Down through the moons atmosphere they went, and every moment brought the vibrancy of the world into full view. She could practically taste the lusciously clean air, hear the song of birds who had been left to their own devices.

Kyra did not want to disturb the tranquility. She did not want to make this a place that everyone sought to visit.

In truth, all she wanted was her own little piece of heaven away from all of the chaos.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor was already outside his ship in a rocky clearing as Kyra touched down. It took her a little longer to navigate the surrounding trees and terrain, but he had navigated moons and planets like this in his sleep so knew how to take the approach.

They were a little higher up, beside a large babbling brook surrounded by trees and makeshift rocks and slabs leading them around. This would be something totally new and alien to the Jakku scavenger. Even the air would probably knock her for six, free of sand and microscopic germs that thrived in the heat.

He turned and waited for her to exit, hands behind his back, foot resting on a rock.

”Welcome to Sarkany, Miss Sol.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Truth be told, it was quite a strange sensation to be landing a ship again. She hadn't had to do it in years, not from orbit at least and certainly not through such obstacles as those Sarkany had to offer... Yet she managed, her natural instincts as a pilot overriding the sluggish years spent on Jakku.

The air hit her the moment she lowered the ramp. Kyne was especially eager to leave the starship, bounding out toward the brook and lapping up the fresh water. No doubt he'd be rolling in it in no time.

Kyra was a little more cautious.

It was strange to be on a world such as this, she couldn't recall the last time she had been among nature. Junkyards, dustballs, sure... But real live nature? Trees and birds? Those were alien to her. Literally.

Blinking in the light, Kyra walked along to where Connor was in awe.

"I didn't think such a place existed... Is this real? No metal, no dust..."

Her eyes were wide, soaking in as much as possible. It was extremely overwhelming. Even in her youth she had spent all of her time aboard starships, and during her stint as a smuggler and then a C.E.O she had always been on junker or merchant worlds, places which resembled landfills and cities as opposed to true landscapes.

And that air... So sweet and clean that it made her head swim.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He casually had his arms folded across his chest, looking between Kyra as she came out like a new-born foal learning to walk among nature, and then back out to the glorious moon before them. It reminded him of Voss – a product of nature, devoid of much technology.

”Maybe a little dust, but from trees and soil as well as rock. Not much sand. No technology from what I pick up, well, maybe a farm settlement or harvesting unit, I’m not sure. No cities in this hemisphere at least anyway.”

He smiled and turned back to her and held his hand out.

”Breathe it in. That’s what fresh air feels like. Let it empower you. Let that feeling of nature give you strength. Go on, try it.”

In other words, connect with the Force around her feeding from the living nature she was stood in the centre of.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her gaze shifted tirelessly from rock to tree, brook to bird, soaking in as much as was humanly possible while also remembering to breathe. She barely even noticed Connor stood there, so lost was she in the moment.

Then came a gigantic splash as Kyne leaped into the water and broke the tranquility, and Kyra could only grin. This was greater than anything she could have ever imagined.

Looking across to Connor as he spoke the junker gave a short nod of her head. Nobody around to ruin the peace. Just the three of them... Though Kyne seemed intent on doing his own thing, and Kyra wasn't the kind of person to restrict him. He was an excitable pup, best he get his energy out some way.

Leaving Kyne to paddle around, Kyra instead stepped over and took Connor's offered hand. "It's beautiful, all of it."

Truth be told she didn't know what half of it was, but she was grateful to be among it. Her focus shifted to his next instructions, he was asking her to breathe and feel around her.

Sure enough, a more measured breath of air brought with it an odd feeling of oneness... As though everything around them was brimming with life. How could that be? Aside from the people that inhabited it, wherever she had resided had just been husks of rock and metal. No life to be inherently found. But here?

Here everything rang with vitality.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Glancing to the hound, he smiled softly. Looking at Kyra, he reached up and gently moved his hand over her eyes to help her close them.

”Don’t question why it feels like this, just let it happen. Let it flow around you. See it without your eyes. Hear it. Smell it. This is what is out there. This is what empowers you.”

He squeezed her hand gently and watched her take it all in. He was wary about using the word “Force” for she still questioned it, but he knew it was there, and maybe this was the place where she would actually feel it, rather than the dustball of Jakku where she was surrounded by artificial junk and sunburnt rock.

”Free your mind. Relax. Find yourself. Find Kyra – here. Not Jakku. Here.”

This close to her, surrounded by natural beauty and talking calming words, he was starting to see the beauty standing before him too.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

With Connor practically blindfolding her with a hand, Kyra was very quick to interpret what it was he wanted her to do. Not look around, not see, but feel... Was this one of his Jedi things?

For once she didn't care.

It could've been Jedi Force Wizardry for all she knew, and it wouldn't take away from the fact that this was awesome in every sense of the word.

Instead she inhaled a steady breath. She could taste the breeze which tugged at strands of her hair, though it wasn't full of dust or toxins. Her hand tightened in his, drawing from it comfort but also using it to anchor her in place. It wouldn't do to overwhelm herself.

He wanted her to do more than explore the world with her senses, he wanted her to find herself.

Well, that would be easier said than done. But she was certainly willing to try.

Before she got too deep though, Kyra opened her eyes and turned to look upon him curiously. There were words on her lips, a question within her gaze, yet for a second she found herself rather incapable of speech.

Then she sighed, content and happy where they were.

"What were you doing that day, back on Denon?"

She didn't know why she asked it, or even why she even wanted to know, but for whatever reasons she was curious... It was, after all, the place they had very first met.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

At the word "Denon", Connor let go of her and and recoiled.

”Denon? HA! You remember? Goodness me - that was a lifetime ago.”

Chuckling, he turned and hopped down to the edge of a large smooth rock and sat down, taking off his boots and rolling up his navy trousers. Like a young boy ready to paddle.

”Wow. I was riding the Hydian Way, literally following it to the end of the run and stopping at random places to see what I could find. See who I could find, before the Silver Jedi and all that took over, I was just...exploring.”

He then swung his feet into the babbling brook and leant back on his hands, the cool water splashing up his feet and legs. That was bliss.

”What about you? I know it was a treasure trove of junk for someone like you but, why Denon?”

With a gentle pat on the rock beside him, he smiled at her.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She wasn't expecting such a visceral response at the mention of their initial meeting, so it took her a few moments to register what he was saying. For a moment she didn't say anything, instead walking over to where he sat on the edge of the brook and staring out over the world. Or what she could see of it.

Kyne had settled by now, and was lolling about on the sandy river edge - perhaps the only thing that would remind the two of home. Without really thinking about it, she stooped down in order to cup some water in her hands and brought it to her lips. So refreshing, much better than what the moisture farms yielded. Her eyes closed and she cherished the moment with a small sigh.

Settling onto her backside, she hugged her knees and turned her head to look at Connor who seemed equally entranced with their immediate location.

"Hunting for junk, of course" she said, with a slight grin which faltered at the last minute. "Truth is I was doing my best to survive, then you came along" she nudged shoulders with him at that point, "and almost ruined that plan." There was a gentle smile on her lips now, the memory actually one of her more fonder ones.

"Nah, but it was nice then. Simpler. Do you ever miss it? The days before the Jedi?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor was thirsty, not enough to dehydrate, but watching Kyra taste the fresh spring water from the brook was enough for him to do the same as she talked. He scooped a handful passing through the pebbles and drank it - it was fresh, crisp and cold. Untouched and unspoilt.

”Mm,” he nodded, brushing his mouth, ”I do partly. I had no fears - nothing to live up to. I didn't even care for Jedi and Sith. I was my own man. Or rather, boy. Granted it was my early twenties when things got interesting but I felt like I was untouchable.”

With a sign and a playful shrug, he continued.

”Then it all changed. Partly for the worse, more for the better. At least I thought so until it all changed again. I wonder what I would be if I hadn't met Thurion Heavenshield, our Grandmaster, on Rhen Var and I hadn't gone to Voss and met Iella E'ron, our OLD Grandmaster. I really don't know. I think I'd be in jail. Or dead. Or serving the criminal underworld. I dunno which would be worse.”

He sucked in his top lip, thinking on the "what if" - something he did an awful lot. He turned to her, squinting in the bright light.

”I'd ask you if you miss your time before being a scavenger, but that's all you've ever known. Isn't it. You must be ready for something else now. Something new, more defining, right?”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her fingers felt against the ground until they brushed against a smooth rock, and without much thought she threw it out into the water with a great splash. There was a constant smile upon her lips, nothing too great but still present all the same. It was hard not to feel happy with a warm - yet not harsh - sun raining down on them, and a steady breeze to keep them cool.

"I don't think you'd be in jail" she murmured, as her gaze turned to Connor, "I don't think you're inherently that kind of person."

It was just her opinion, she had seen a lot of Connor both old and new. He had changed, but there was always a core to everybody and she thought she knew his pretty well. At least well enough to know he wouldn't go down those paths.

Not willingly, at least.

"I knew something different, once..." Faint flashes of the world she had been taken from, the siblings she had lost, caused her to frown. The memories which came after, of a pirate vessel, only made that frown deepen.

"Scavenging is what I chose to do when I was a free woman, away from what had been. It's always been like a safety net, a comfort... But if that had never come to be? I'd be dead. I would never have survived on my own if I couldn't rummage through junk to make a living."

Another what if came to mind, what if she had never been sold to the pirates... What if she had been raised alongside her siblings. Then again, Jyn hadn't been taken away and her parents had sent her away to the Sith...

Whatever, the past didn't matter now. There was no changing it.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

His brow furrowed slightly as she talked, projecting signs that she was trying to really bury something. She mentioned it on Jakku, and he left it, but here, if he was going to try to help and build her up, he wanted to know.

He wanted to know her, and her pain. To feel it, understand it and expel it. He gently drew his feet back and forth in the fresh water.

”Kara, what happened. A free woman? And Sith? What happened to you? Please, tell me. Let me in. Let me help.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She was good at opening up cans of worms, it seemed.

With a heavy sigh she shifted slightly, her eyes set out over the jungles and away from him. She didn't want to go back to that time, she didn't even want to think about it. When she and Connor had met she had all but forgotten, forced herself into blissful ignorance while she scoured world after world in search of perfect parts in order to make her masterpieces.

But then reality had hit, in the form of Kyros, and not too long after came her self imposed exile to Jakku where she'd had all the time in the world to think over her life and all that had transpired.

There was nothing quite like torturing yourself by pooling over old memories which had since been tarnished.

"I only knew my parents for a short time" she began by saying, not looking at him, "I was their first. Then war came, and Pa' went off to fight for the Sith. He was a General. When he came back after over a year of fighting he wasn't alone - he had a baby with him, a son."

Her jaw tightened to the reminder of Levia. Who knew where he was these days.

"It turned out he'd taken the babe from the woman he'd sired him with. Mother didn't like that, but more importantly his mother didn't either. When they came for him, because there were a lot of them, it wasn't just Levi they took."

She began to fidget, her fingers pulling up stray blades of grass while she watched them drift off on the breeze.

"They were an aquatic people, though, the majority of their lives were spent beneath the ocean. Well, I don't have gills. I didn't have any way to live that life, so instead they dumped me on some planet..." The name eluded her even now, but she remembered the dust and the harsh sun.

"There I was found and taken by the Captain of some pirate crew." Her whole body tensed, and she even rose up from where she had sat and began to walk on the edge of the river. Not too far, but enough to keep her attention away from what she was talking about.

"Can we stop? I don't want to think about that time."

She span around to face him, dismay writ upon her expression. She was here to relax, they were here to find themselves... Not to drag up the past.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He didn’t move while she talked, because he always seemed to do or say something to interrupt her train of thought. So she had a brother? He didn’t know that. Already he’d found something new out about her.

Even when she stood and walked a little, he didn’t move, and it was clear this was a sensitive subject, but she needed to get it out. She needed to understand that bottling this up wouldn’t help her, and if he had any chance in making her something great, she needed to get all the potential darkness out that resided in painful memories.

”I think you should carry on. I want to know you Kyra, I want you to let me in so I can understand you. Please. Carry on. It’s alright to get this out. I have painful memories of my past too. The difference is, I was too late when they consumed me. I don’t want that for you.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

He was right, she knew, but that didn't make it any easier.

With a steady intake of breath she simply gave a nod of her head and turned her sights back to the water. Kyne was snoring at this point, the air having gone to his head.

"They weren't nice, not even Thran - though he was the closest I had to a friend... In the early years it was like I was just some animal, a pet to order around and do the things they didn't want to do. The older I got the more they expected of me, though. I learned how to fix things there, how to shoot a blaster." It may have sounded beneficial to know those things, but it wasn't in her case. It just left her with more work and unpleasant tasks.

"When they realized I was a natural shot they started bringing me with them whenever they hijacked ships. They made me do some awful things, kill or be killed... That's not a way I ever want to live again."

She remembered them all, every single face. All the lives she had ended under their command. Her hands curled into fists, and she exhaled through her nose. "It... It was at that point I learned about my 'gift'. More of a curse, really."

Okay, this was hard to confess. She had spent so long denying her connection to the Force that finally admitting it to him was like stabbing herself repeatedly in the foot. "That just made them want to use me to their own ends all the more. A crew member with the Force? They'd be unstoppable! So they brought in an old contact of theirs, had him teach me how to do things, torturous things. The stuff you Jedi hunted Sith for doing."

Stepping back to the bank of the river she settled down and lay her head in her hands.

"I was just a kid, Connor. I couldn't hack it. So I left. Not with permission of course, but I didn't care. I still don't. I worked my way back to Kaas, to my family, only to find everything had changed. They'd moved on. Had two kids, a boy and a girl. You met one of them - Jyn. They didn't want to see me, they didn't care. But I couldn't go back to the only other life I'd known."

The very thought of it made her blood boil.

"So I decided that day I'd never rely on anyone again, and I'd never use the curse. I made my own way through the Galaxy, I got myself everything I could ever need and sold the things I didn't to stay alive. Spent some time as a smuggler, though it was unnecessarily risky and in the end not worth it. And then you came along..."

There were bits and pieces missing here and there, but for the most part that was it. And now it was out there she felt both relieved and reburdened by it. She couldn't look at Connor, not knowing all of the things she'd done and tried to cover up.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He was fascinated listening to her – the REAL her – which was what he wanted all along. She did well in talking and pacing herself, and he could feel that she was in control of her emotions. When she walked and hung her head, he didn’t like how defeated she looked and so he stood, water trickling down his legs that dried quickly on the warm skin and stone.

”I remember Jyn. She’s a good kid at heart. At least the girl I knew.”

He was up and beside her now, and he placed one hand on her shoulder, and then the other on her arm, not forcing her to look up if she wasn’t ready. She had to come to terms with the fact she’d got all this off her chest.

”It’s not a curse. It’s a curse if you let it destroy you. Don’t let it.”

She needed to be saved. Needed to find the real Kyra, because right now she was pretending to herself she was someone else; she wanted to forget who she was.

”One day, when it’s right, I’ll tell you about the time I was possessed by a Taung spirit, beat up a fellow Padawan, tried to kill my friend and wanted to overthrow Grandmaster Heavenshield.”

He smiled – he had to, it was ludicrous he had even survived all that and still remained in the Sanctum.

”We all have a past. We all have moments where we are not ourselves, but it’s up to us to come out the other side as who we want to be. You don’t want to be a scavenger forever, hiding in lonely places worried about who is out there. You need to be something more.”

She seemed to still be in thought and avoiding him.

”Let me train you in the ways of the Force. To understand the gift you were born with. Take on the mantle of a Jedi, and fight for all the things you were denied by the evil out there. What did you say to me on Jakku? Because of me, people can sleep safe in their beds. So do you want to help others sleep safely by preventing what happened to you, happening to them?”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She didn't quite know what to say.

Finally looking upon Connor, Kyra listened to all he said without expression. How could he say that it wasn't a curse? Did he not see the terrible divides created by the Force? The countless wars which had been fought over their hokey religions and ancient weapons?

He was right, though. She didn't want to be a scavenger for the rest of her life, someone who hid away and did nothing beneficial. Who lived a life without meaning. Where was her purpose? What were her goals, her ambitions?

Simply wishing to stay alive was not enough. There had to be more.

"You want to... train me?" There was a dubious look of disbelief on her face. "What does that even mean? What would that achieve?" She wasn't being skeptical in her questions, though, she was genuinely curious. Not enough to jump headlong into things with a decisive yes, but enough to... test the waters.

She did not want a repeat of her childhood. She did not want to become another pawn on the Great Galactic Chessboard.

[member="Connor Harrison"]