Private Not all is lost (Yuroic/Jairdain)

[WelshPsych]

With the morning light breaking through the curtains, Yuroic had woken at a sudden, his dreams were becoming mixed, confusing at times. He would have dreams of things he could never remember happening, like when did he marry, when did he lose his arm? Why was he on Kashyyyk? It would flood his mind for moments, like he had no idea of the last two decades but then he would start to put pieces together and calming his breathing he would remember most of what he thought he had forgotten. There were times the kids would catch him out on a mistake or calling them by the wrong name but he put it down to age and having to remember so much already. This morning after getting out of bed, he couldn't remember how to cook breakfast, or how to cook in general for that matter, he was staring at the kitchen wondering where he was. Wasn't he still living in the Padawan quarters with the other Padawans still? Breathing out slowly, Yuroic tried to shake his head and think on what he was meant to be doing this morning.

Breakfast for... It was cooking, he knew that. Big meal, but for whom? Family... yeah, family seemed right. Of course he was cooking breakfast for the kids, that was what he was doing, of course it was! How could he have forgotten that morning routine!? He shook his head, Yuroic had been meaning to see the healers on his memory problems but he just hadn't found the time, it was busy keeping up with training Padawans and the constant looming threat of the Sith as well. Yuroic rubbed his temples and organised everything for breakfast, so far no one else had notices his memory lapses and he was grateful for that, or at least knew how deep the lapses ran. He was thankful since it would only create questions and problems that Yuroic wasn't feeling ready for dealing with those issues yet. He wanted to just sit and enjoy the peace while he could.

Jairdain

 

[Jairdain]

Calling children by names that weren't theirs was even something Jairdain did. She knew who they were, but saying Nitya for Dreidi and the other way around was a little bit common. Every parent did that from time to time and she was no different than Yuroic in that manner. So she thought nothing of him doing it when they caught him.

Throughout his life, he had times when nightmares struck him. This too was something she was used to. When they happened, she would try and comfort him, calm his nerves down and let him drift off back to sleep or wake up for the day...depending on what time they happened.

Today when he woke up, she was sound asleep and slept through his panic. Their youngest daughter was going through another growth spurt and woke up in the night for a bottle. It had been her duty for the night to take care of her and that loss of sleep kept her from waking up with Yuroic.

Waking up to the sound of him getting things together in the kitchen, she threw a robe on and joined him. Giving him a kiss as she walked into the kitchen, she picked up slightly on his distracted state.

"You had a nightmare again didn't you?"

Taking a seat at the table, it wouldn't be long before Nitya joined them and she would need to get Dreidi into her highchair. For the moment though, she wanted to enjoy this quiet time with her husband.

WelshPsych

 

[WelshPsych]

The minor forgetfulness wasn't too bad, their family was rapidly growing or at least it felt like it was rapidly growing whenever he looked on how much his daughters were growing. Dreidi was definitely showing signs of being a younger version of him or Asaraa, just certain she was going trouble when she could talk and walk. Nitya was more like her mum but in the best way, her dark hair was much more like Jairdain than Yuroic's lighter browns. His beard was growing a little more than the usual trimmed stubble that he normally had. Looking over as Jairdain walked in, he blinked a little, confused on why she was with him, wasn't she engaged to some noble man on Commenor...?

When asked about his nightmares, fighting, going to war it was hard not to have nightmares. He would also have them of his spice days, the nightmares he had whenever he had a bad trip. He cooked breakfast, however his efforts were not as well executed as they were in the past. It was slightly burnt, or a little over cooked but still edible. He placed the food on the table and shrugged a little. "I... um... I can't remember it. How long till you go back to Commenor, sure your noble..." Yuroic shook his head. No, wait Jairdain was married, not engaged, she was married to him. His headache was growing but he tried to hide his pain. "Sorry, think I am still feeling groggy from waking up so abruptly this morning is all." Yuroic explained, focusing on his drink.

Jairdain

 

[Jairdain]

There was no missing the flash of loss and confusion within Yuroic this morning. Especially when he started to comment on her returning to Commenor and Brad. What might have been a thorn in their relationship had never been as much of one as she expected. Jairdain had a son with Brad and had raised him alone. While he had been revealed and even his father knew about him, there still had no personal contact with him.

Letting out a sigh, she wasn't going to ignore this feeling today. A mistake this large did not sit right with her and very soon the kids would be joining them. Now was the moment to strike this issue and hope to get it fixed. Even though he said he was sorry and feeling groggy from waking up, this wasn't like him.

"You've always been the one to wake up with the birds, Yuroic. Something is wrong. When you have woken up like that before, you weren't this way. Maybe a little cranky or touchy, but not so...lost. Nor do you remember your dream. That's something you were always able to do. With great clarity."

Since Jairdain was without physical sight, her husband would describe his dreams and she could almost see them in her mind. Because he was hiding his headache, she did not pick up on it. Just on his sense of being lost.

"What can I do to help?"

WelshPsych

 

[WelshPsych]

Shaking his head, he didn't want to admit what was going on in his head. He wasn't ready to admit his problems, or at least he didn't want Jairdain to worry about his well-being. He was fine, yeah he tended to forget things, or lose track of time but there was nothing wrong with his head. That was what he was telling himself over and over again, refusing to admit there was a problem since he was doing no one any harm. "No, no, nothing is wrong honest. I just woke up a little confused, it happens to everyone. Everything has changed plenty around here for many years, sure I am not the first or the last person to forget what has happened around here." Yuroic argued as he drank his drink, hoping hydration would keep the headaches at bay.

"Lets just forget the incident and move on with our day, no need to dwell on the matter." Yuroic stated as he closed his eyes and tried to sort through his memories, trying to figure out what was going on inside his own head, how he could have lost such important memories over the years. Was he going insane? Was this some kind of Sith poison he picked up? There was something wrong and he figured it could be prevented from getting worse. At least on the surface he hoped, deep down he knew this was a long time coming.

Jairdain

 

[Jairdain]

They had been together long enough for Jairdain to know when he was lying. Even if the lie was something he was doing to keep from hurting her. This was too much for her to take. Shaking her head, he would feel the love and acceptance coming from her. For better or worse, she was with him.

Life had been good for her since they had gotten together and now it was getting worse. Yuroic had been there for her when her mind had been shattered and had helped piece her back together. Now with his mind slowly falling apart, she would be there for him.

Reaching out a hand to touch him, unless he pulled away, she would place it on his hand to hold.

"We can move on with our day, but I will not forget this. You will."

Speaking rather sadly, Jairdain wasn't going to press the issue right now. All he needed to do was admit something was wrong and open up to her. She wasn't going anywhere and would support him through this. Through thick and thin, she would be there. Their love was strong and secure. Hopefully, he would realize this and accept the help she could give him.

"I can help."

Saying this very softly, it would only be loud enough for him to hear. Though there wasn't a reason for her to really speak quietly. Their kids were probably just starting to wake up and would be down in a few minutes. The door had been opened for him and all he needed to do was walk through.

WelshPsych

 

[WelshPsych]

Jairdain's words were cutting deep and he could feel his emotions starting to run amok in his mind. How dare she tell him that he will forget this, she has no idea what is going on in his head. None, how could she even speak like that to him. Yuroic was ready to blow up on her then she offered helped and his foolish pride faded away. She wasn't criticising him, she was concerned and didn't know what was going on. Only he knew what was going on in his head but he wasn't let anyone in but he couldn't keep it that way. Not any more.

"No, you can't"

It was all he said in a small voice as he stood and moved to the kitchen. "I went to healers when it started. Nothing can be done. Irreversible and fatal. Might take months, years, decades, but eventually I will forget everything. Names, places, where I am, who I am, how old I am. How to eat or drink as well." Yuroic explained as he stared down at the wooden counter. "Damn Sith don't kill me, some stupid disease does, could be genetic, could be from something else." He slammed his fist on the table in frustration, it wasn't fair.

Jairdain

 

[Jairdain]

The anger rising in Yuroic didn't scare her. If he lashed out at her, she was confident she could hold him off. Luckily, that didn't happen and he finally admitted what was wrong. Jairdain very likely had almost the same reaction he might have had when he learned.

Drawing in a breath, she grasped onto his hand and shook her head in denial. Not sensing any additional white lies from him, she continued to shake her head. Tears started welling up in her eyes when he said there wasn't any help she could give.

"I can. This is where I am strong, Yuroic! Let me try."

Not one to beg for anything, there was a sense of pleading in her tone. Her breathing was deep as she tried to control her own emotions. In all her life, she never thought to hear the word no from her love. Yet, he had just told her that.

Then she shivered a little. Did she bring this onto him? At his request, she had taken some of his memories from him. At the time, her own mental state had been questionable and though she had thought her wipe was complete, his memories had returned.

Pulling her hand away, she bunched it up into a fist and held it close to her chest. Guilt flooded into her and she felt like withdrawing into herself. It wasn't what she did though. Instead, she opened up her arms after a moment and wanted nothing more than to give her husband a hug.

WelshPsych

 

[WelshPsych]

He saw the tears in Jairdain's eyes and hugged her tight to him, unable to look her in the eye yet. It was hard for him, he knew the truth when he was told and begrudgingly accepted it but refused to admit it publicly because he hoped they were wrong for his family's sake. He didn't want to put them through what he was going through. Holding her close he caresses her hair, sighing as she wanted to try and save him, to heal him but there was nothing that she could do, nothing that anyone could do. He had tried, expert healers had tried but his mind. It was too shattered, fractured and unable to form fluidly as a mind should. He had been shown this and felt it himself.

He could feel her mind thinking back on the time that she wiped his memory and he whispered in her ear, "it was nothing that you did. Nothing you could have done to stop this." While he didn't know that for certain, his voice was firm in belief, he knew in his heart that Jairdain would carry the blame if he didn't stop her thinking on it on. This was his life, his choices. The Force guided him to this path, he followed like a fool. "Don't worry, I will go find a safe place to live in the Shadowlands soon. Just tell the girls and Marcus that I am on a mission." He wasn't going to stay and force his family to care for him, watch him descend into madness. He wanted them to have memories of his good times, him when he was himself, not someone with half his mind, or less.

Jairdain

 

[Jairdain]

Locking eyes with her would not have done much good. The only thing Jairdain would be able to sense was his attention and she already had that from him. She had been the one that wanted the hug, she leaned into Yuroic and took his comforting. It was clear he had already accepted his fate, she wasn't ready to. Even when he said she had not been the one to cause this, she still had her doubts.

"Let me try!"

Not yet ready to give up on her desire, want and need, she whispered this into his chest as they held each other. The only thing that would prevent her from trying was him. Of course, she wasn't going to do that right now. She would have to arrange for the kids to be away for a while, but this was something she had to do. To put her own mind at rest that there was nothing that could be done.

"No. I've already lost more than one person out of my life. I don't want to lose you too."

Shaking her head, she did not attempt to look at him yet either. Thought of the people she had lost went through her mind. Mainly her people, but they weren't the only ones. Friends, enemies and past lovers. Choosing not to dwell on them for long, her focus returned to the present and back to her husband.

"I will not lie to our children."

She had been doing it to Marcus for so long already, she didn't want to just add more to the long list of wrongs she had done. With as much confidence as she could muster, she wanted to reassure him that she could fix him. Knowing deep down inside there was no possible way.

WelshPsych

 

[WelshPsych]

Jairdain protested against his condition, she felt so sure she could help that Yuroic almost brought it himself. Almost. But he remembered how the healers described his mind, how his thoughts were scattered, his memories slowly decaying like lost strands uncared for. Letting out a sigh, he took Jairdain's hand and pressed her fingers on his temple. Symbolic gesture to see the torrent mess that his mind had become.

Touching his forehead to Jairdain, "I can't let them see me get worse and they will only fight for me to stay if we don't lie." Yuroic explained, he didn't want to lie but he couldn't see a way of him remaining the father he wanted them to remember and stay around. His mind was decaying, it was clear. "Jairdain, I want to be here but I don't want to be a burden, I want you all to flourish and not be burdened by caring for me. I will take care of myself until I pass." Yuroic stated, he loved his wife but he would not want her to forever care for him. As much as he wanted their marriage to last eons, he wanted her happy more.

Jairdain

 

[Jairdain]

With the touch on his head, Jairdain took the invitation he extended to her. This wouldn't last long enough to accomplish what she wanted to do, but it would be a start. Feeling the broken ends he spoke of, she attempted to repair the damage. When she finished one strand and moved onto the next, the first one started to fall apart again.

"I could have stopped this! Why didn't you tell me when it started?"

Lowering her hand, their heads were together, touching and he would feel her sense of loss. There was something Jairdain was good at and that was control. She was starting to lose that right now. Grasping onto him, she didn't want Yuroic to go away. Not when their lives had been so normal and happy for so long.

"Don't go. I need you. The kids need you."

He had been her rock for so long. What would she do without him? Life without her husband was something she knew would happen eventually, just not this soon.

"You took care of me when I fell apart, helped put me back together, and then when I went searching. Now, let me do that for you! Allow me to take care of you and hold you together...please."

In a way, this was rather abnormal for her. Jairdain was not the kind of person to beg, but she was essentially doing this right now. Begging her husband to stay...even if he did leave in the end. She wanted him to remain with her and their family. If he left, she had the funny feeling she would spiral down again.

"Just one more day. Please, stay."

Letting go would be difficult and she didn't want to. Nothing would stop him though if he was set on leaving. There was nothing Jairdain could do.

WelshPsych

 

[WelshPsych]

He felt as Jairdain's attempt to mend his mind but the strands were not able to bind together, broken beyond repair, but he knew that this was something she needed to attempt. To see, to realise his situation was real and far, far beyond help. Shaking his head, "when thing were noticeable to me, it was already too late. I just then denied it was happening until recently when my mind, I have felt less control on my memories and ability to hide the problem."

"Need me? No, soon enough I won't even know who they are. Way this disease was discussed was in time I wouldn't remember how to cook, how to walk, even how to eat. I will be less and less the man you need and just an old, confused hopeless man that you will have to care for in ways that you shouldn't have to care for me." Placing her face in his hands. "I cannot force this burden on you, to spend rest of my life becoming my carer and unable to have your own free time."

Lowering his head in shame, he could not burden her or the children with caring for him, for having to ensure he safe and look after in the coming years when he lost the ability to do more and more things independently.

 

[Jairdain]

Quietly listening to Yuroic, she did not want to accept what he said. Having no choice in the matter though, she accepted the truth of what he said. There was not anything she could do to help his mind from decaying more. That truth she did accept, especially because he had allowed her to try and heal him.

"It doesn't take the fact away that we need you, Yuroic. You will always be needed. Even when you are gone."

Just like when she was gone, she always felt their children would need her.

Turning her focus on him away, Jairdain was still listening for his answer. She dreaded what he was going to say.

"When will you leave? Will you at least tell the kids goodbye?"

While she did not want him to leave, she did understand why he wanted to. Though they had given each other a vow, she knew their time together was limited. What she did not expect was it would be so short. If you counted almost twenty years as short, at least.

"I would take care of you for as long as you were alive. I don't want you to leave."

Wanting to cry again, she rested against his touch and did just that. As if her opinion would make him change his mind. He might feel some shame at his condition, but Jairdain did nothing but support him. It was her turn to be his anchor and she wasn't going to leave his side. No matter how much he pushed her away this time.

"We are married, have a family. They should know the truth."

WelshPsych