Numb. (Alwine)

[Varick Lechner]

It felt as if time was nothing more than sand slipping through his fingers.

The thought remained at the forefront of his mind in spite of his efforts to banish it as he meditated. Varick had felt out of sorts since he’d left home alongside Alwine and Gerwald, having had intense difficulty in overcoming the memories of everything that had happened on Stewjon. He’d gone through the motions of living and done the bare minimum in that regard, going so far as to avoid contact with everyone he could push away.

He’d neglected everyone and everything for far too long, wallowing as he had been in the depths of all they’d endured.

All that he’d endured.

He gave up and sighed, sprawling out on the cushions instead of kneeling properly on them. Fingers tore through his hair as he methodically pulled it loose from the ponytail it had been in. The datapad that blinked softly off to his left was soon pulled through a tendril of the Force into his hands. Dark eyes perused the messages that had come in, scanning through them briefly even as he wished for one that he was relatively certain he would not see.

You’re wallowing again. What even are you, a hormonal teenager who’s lost his marbles?

Varick snorted at his inner voice and shook his head. He needed to find a purpose, something akin to the one he had on Stewjon. He was a warrior, first and foremost, and he wished for little more than to return to it in some capacity. Had he not walked away from meeting the Master that was willing to train him, he’d likely already have been back on the front lines.

His head tilted back as he caught Alwine’s scent approaching the meditation space. Shoving the thoughts to the back of his mind, Varick steeled himself to welcome his little sister. She had problems enough of her own without needing to deal with his special brand of head case.

He shifted into his lupine form, rising up to stretch himself out for a few moments before returning to his human shape. Still standing, he padded over to the side and absently began to prepare two mugs of stimcaf.

--------------------------​

[member="Alwine Lechner"]​

 

[Alwine Daye]

[member="Varick Lechner"]

To say that Alwine was not satisfied at present would have been an understatement. The youngest of the Lechner siblings, she had made the attempts to keep the three of them together, no matter what else was going on, no matter how stupidly any of her brothers might have chosen to behave. While she had done everything that was within the power to wash the taint of Stewjon from her limbs and soul, it was the closeness of their family that she was not willing to part with, even though it had felt like it was coming to that on more than one occasion.

And how long had it been sine they'd been removed from Stewjon? A year? More? Doors had been opened. Alwine had progressed from a furious wolf inside the behavior of a nearly illiterate servant to a woman, a warrior, who not only could read and write but was apparently good at learning and speaking, much more so than she could fight. And while her entire life she had dreamed of becoming the warrior, now that she actually was one and fought regularly beneath the banner of the Knights Obsidian, she questioned herself daily whether or not that was what she still wanted, just as she questioned herself daily whether the Confederacy was the right place for her to be.

She was making her way back from the Citadel this smoldering hot Geonosian afternoon. The sun blazed unforgivingly against her armor and she winced, already knowing how many steps it would be to get back home. Despite the heat and sharp contrast between Geonosis and Stewjon, she had come to somewhat love being on the planet. She would happily have traded the climate for a cooler and milder one, yet… This was where she was most of the time, and it had grown on her. Her hands still tingled from the compounds she'd accidentally mixed in the laboratory; over the past few weeks, Alwine had taken an interest into putting grenades and explosives together, courtesy of a mission she and [member="Gerwald Lechner"] had been on during which they had wished to blow up the compound of a group that had kidnapped her, and both had a lot of guess work to do as neither knew enough about the chemicals one needed to do it properly. The place had burned, of course. But Alwine did not particularly enjoy the fact their success had relied on luck in that department.

Her thoughts ran back and forth on the events in the lab that day that she had missed it entirely until she'd gotten to the ramp of the ship – Varick!

She had not seen her jatha'laurl dalninuk in so long that her body's first reaction was to just freeze in place. How often had she longed for his calming presence over the past year. How often had she dreamed that he would be there with her and Gerwald, as busy as they had been together. She did not know much about what he had done in that time, beyond that he was using his freedom to explore the galaxy. His absence from her life and the lack of closeness had left a deep and empty hole in her heart, though she had never voiced her pain at it, not even to Gerwald, not even to herself. Some things were better left unsaid.

And here he was now. One of the only two people who's Lupine senses translated his scent to her into one thing – home.

Alwine burst into a run on the ramp, opening the latch as quickly as it would let her, and darted inside. Their ship had never been a big one, but there was always room for each of them in it, as well as a kitchen, and a small common area where she'd managed to shove a couch and a table with some chairs. She almost flew by all of that, coming to a breathless stop at the entrance to the kitchen, the smell of stimcaf invading her lungs. A smell that usually had her smiling in pleasure but now was a hindrance and kept her from being able to fully scent her brother.

"Varick!" She breathed, and a moment later her small arms were wrapped around him, her nose pressing against his chest, and she held on tightly. Perhaps… Perhaps if she could make him feel more wanted, more welcomed, this time, he would remain for long enough before leaving again.

 

[Varick Lechner]

Though dulled with the heady scent of caf wafting up, his senses picked up his sister's approach a scant moment before he heard her running full tilt through the small ship.

"Lotha dalninil." he said softly, the syllables rumbling from his chest with all of the attendant emotion holding tight.

Alwine paused briefly as she reached the doorway, giving him time enough to take in the sight of her and open his arms to the inevitably jarring embrace.

His arms wrapped wrapped around her slender form, on hand cradling the back of her head as he pressed his face into her hair. That he had missed her didn't need to be said to be realized, but until that moment he hadn't realized to what degree.There was so much to say, to ask, to wonder about, but words seemed rather far off and entirely unnecessary just yet. He could simply savor the feeling of home he'd been craving while he'd been lost to his travels as he tried outrunning his pain.

But such a thing was a foolhardy venture, leading to nothing at all being resolved and leaving him with no resolutions.

It didn't matter in that moment, however, as the heart of their family had been returned to him, a fact for which he was and would always be grateful. "L'xukuth d'udossa...it is so good to see you again." Varick couldn't have raised his voice above a whisper if he'd tried in that moment. It was enough that they were there and he was content to hold her close until she pulled away.

"I missed you...I even missed Gerwald. What have I...what have I missed, Alwine?"

_________________​

[member="Alwine Lechner"]​

 

[Alwine Daye]

[member="Varick Lechner"]

Lotha dalninil.

In that moment, Alwine was not herself. Not the Executor of the Knights Obsidian, not the woman who had killed hundreds and could control trees and grass as though they were extensions of her limbs. Neither was she the hard working student who kept growling when the bombs she was attempting to construct did not work. No. Now, with her nose pressed into his chest, with her arms around him, with him hugging her back, she was the ten year old child on Stewjon, who had been working in the kitchen against her wishes for the past two weeks, dropping everything because she had scented her brothers coming back from their warrior business for the first time in weeks. They were both older than her, they were both accepted as fighters among the people they'd grown up with, and that life had taken them away from her. She had always rejoiced in the moments they could be together again, when the rest of the world ceased to exist, when even their mother became less of a real thing to her, because she was with Varick and Gerwald.

L'xukuth d'udossa.

Was she? Could anyone still claim that this was what she was within the Lechner trio? Alwine looked up at her brother, her hands still not ready to break the embrace. She and Varick… They had been so close, before her capture on Stewjon. There would be entire nights back at home, where she would sleep in his bed while in wolf form, watching over him, watching over Gerwald too. The smallest of the bunch, yet she fiercely protected them wherever she could do. Yet what she had never spoken of, never verbalized, was how safe she felt while she did that. Gerwald and Varick both spelled out love and safety for her, in ways she knew she would never manage to build or find elsewhere. In her heart, they came first, before anything, before anyone.

It was an eternity later that she finally released him, the stimcaf having already gone somewhat cold. She did not care. Gently pushing him away, she placed a fresh kettle, and grabbing a few snacks from the cupboard. Unlike Stewjon, the ship was not constantly full of stomach warming food that could be had at any moment. Quite the opposite; Alwine had made a point of not cooking, and she'd used the kitchen for as such exactly twice in the past year. Everything else was purchased or droid made. Meat, she still hunted for, yet not always. Life was no longer as simple as it had been on Stewjon, even though the simplicity there had been false, along with the sense of safety they thought they had despite the fear and danger of being caught.

Ambivalence. That seemed to be the reigning word for their lives.

"You have missed much, d'anthe uss," she said when she answered at last, having pulled him to the area that served as a living room and pushing him onto the couch. "Our brother is free from the claws of the auflaque, yet he is not without damage as the result of being with her. More Lupines have been found. We are not the only ones, nor are the auflaque's family the only other ones. Most of the ones discovered were discovered by…"

No. She did not need to say it. It was by the luck of faith that they had been found by the one Gerwald had broken, but Alwine did not wish to bring it up or she would speak of nothing else for too much time.

"It is of no matter. I have always said that our mother and the auflaque were lying when they said there were no more, whether because the lie was theirs or they repeated the lies of others. And I was correct."

The stimcaf was ready, and Alwine darted from the couch, reappearing moments later.

"Our dalninuk has finally been training. Surprisingly, the big brute is great with the more mental aspects of the Force. I have been training as well."

And there she paused. Because she had been training. And the more she learned, the more she realized that her life long dream of becoming a Warrior like her brothers, might not be the dreams he wanted after all. Her options had been so limited on Stewon, and Warrior had not really been one them. But now that more was available? How did one give up what they longed for their entire lives? How did one come to terms with knowing that their dream was useless?

Looking at Varick, the petite blonde smiled. And what of his pain? He did not have to verbalize it for her to know that not all was great and wonderful, even if she could not scent the specifics out. Where had he gone? What had he seen? She had imagined that the day Varick set off like that, he would be partying around the galaxy, meeting men and women, pouncing upon life as though it was his own personal prey. But someone who had done that, would not look as he was looking now. He was not… Happy.

"But tell me of you, dalninuk," she asked, coming near to almost rest against him. "Why do you look the way you do?"

 

[Varick Lechner]

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

The song played quietly at the back of his mind, the lyrics weaving their way through his scattered thoughts as Alwine released the embrace and bid him to sit in no uncertain terms. His lotha dalninil was never one to mince words, and he had no doubt she would have questions about his time away. Her perception of his mental state and well-being were always startlingly accurate, so Varick knew it was only a matter of time.

Would that he could put it off as long as possible; he wasn’t sure he had answers to give her.

“Gerwald is free...that...is good to know. I worried for him, believe it or not.” he closed his eyes and breathed a measured sigh of relief. The auflaque that had helped tear their family apart had perhaps not deserved all of their ire...she had, if nothing else, caused the series of events that ended in their ultimate freedom.

“There. Are. More.” Varick growled the words, each one bitten off with a sudden flare of frustration. The lies they had been fed over the years, with every breath their mother took, unto her last. Everything they’d been told about their kind, about their bloodline, had been an absolute, vicious lie. He wasn’t even surprised anymore, he’d ceased being so the moment Alwine had torn their mother’s throat out and she gurgled her last. “You could always see through their lies better than I could, lotha dalninil. I only wish I had listened to you sooner.”

He ran his hands through his hair when she took the time to disappear, resting his head against the back of the couch and pressing his hands against his closed eyes. Breathing in and out slowly, he tried to corral his wandering thoughts and gather himself back into some semblance of the alpha that he was supposed to be.

Alwine soon returned, pressing a mug of stimcaf into his hands and perching close by. Freeing one hand, Varick pulled her into his side, needing the contact of someone who loved him in spite of himself. He sipped as she continued from where she’d left off, speaking of both Gerwald and herself training, before her voice trailed off and she took careful stock of him.

Here it was, then.

"Why do you look the way you do?"

“I...it isn’t…” he frowned. The truth should be simple. This was Alwine, not some unknown being. This was his beloved little sister, the heart that held he and Gerwald together.

“There was a time, Alwine, just after we were found, when I thought we’d come past the worst of it. Gerwald was still in the auflaque’s claws, but we were free. Stewjon was behind us and we had begun healing. But I left my soul back on that miserable planet, and it took me months to realize it...when I did?” Varick dragged in a ragged breath.

“I lost it. That sense of calm was gone, and I was broken. I was not what I needed to be nor who you needed me to be. I’ve been trying to outrun the pain and it hasn’t worked. I have wandered, fought, spent so much time training, but what’s left of my heart needed you and even Gerwald to heal...so I slowly started to come back.”

Leaning over slightly, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Forgive me. Please.”

_________________​

[member="Alwine Lechner"]​

 

[Alwine Daye]

[member="Varick Lechner"]​

Alwine held a chuckle back as she heard her brother's growls. There was no intent in mocking him as she did so – she herself knew exactly what he felt, the rage at knowing that they had been lied to. She had always felt as though their mother's words were a lie. She had always known that the auflaque's words had been lies. Whether the two had spoken them to hide something, or merely passed the lies on, she did not know, but she had seen it enough; how men and women bred, and made children. How fidelity was a word used so cheaply. And mother's warnings, all the time, that any child of Lupine and non-Lupine would still be a Lupine. The math was simple. It meant that the odds of there being no more Lupines were null. She was still certain that they had not even found a fraction of them – but only time would tell everybody else that she was correct once more.

"And had you listened?" she asked with a soft smile, her arm coming up to move a lock of hair behind her brother's ear, "Our position on Stewjon would not have been changed. Our ability to leave it without the Confederacy, would not have been changed, unless we became pirates or smugglers and somehow managed to steal one of the Lord ships, without any advanced weaponry or conscious usage of the Force. I will not pretend to have preferred that you had believed me, but I will also not be consumed by hallucinations that it would have somehow changed anything."

And then it was his turn to speak. She knew deeply of what he spoke of. They had all felt it, though she would have given it different words. It was as though the floor, shambled and crooked as it may had been, was snapped from beneath their feet. Leaving Stewjon had saved their lives yet at the same time cast it into much graver danger, not the least of which being the endless possibilities to fail throughout their lives.

He was still speaking when she took his hand, her tiny fingers curling in his giant ones. It was only when he had spoken all he would that she finally smiled, and kissed the top of his knuckles.

"Wael," she cursed softly, "you and Gerwald both. When will you realize that you are what I need, even if you are broken? You are my dalninuk and if you break I must help you either mend the pieces or stand aside and help you as you mend them on your own. We all still hurt, from Stewjon and outside of it. We all still bleed. What I need, Varick, is you, with me. And Gerwald too."

Moving on the couch, Alwine sat aside her mug and wrapped her arms around Varick. How dared he even think that he had to leave just because he was going through things?

"Come," she ordered as she suddenly got up, still holding on to his hand, almost like a child holding on to its parent, or a mother to her child. Ever since their freedom from Stewjon, Alwine had cooked food exactly twice. Once, for the woman who had saved Gerwald and had before that become a dear friend. The second time, when the original woman came back into her body. Once, she had offered Gerwald to cook for him, but he had declined her, preferring to hunt together instead. She had taken a vow, once she was free of their home planet and their mother was dead, that she would never cook again. Most of her diet consisted of game meat in her wolf shape, or ready meals that could be purchased.

But for Varick… For Varick coming back, she would make an exception, and she would make it with joy in her heart.

"You will keep my company as I cook for you," Alwine explained her intentions, in a tone that left no room for Varick to decline or question it, "And while I do so, you will tell me if the things you have seen, the creatures you have fought, and we will follow the crumb trail left behind by your heart."