One Less Frown

[Cedric Dorn]

Diana appeared within the sky gardens of the Jedi Temple on Cato Neimoidia.

As always there was a tint of blue to her features, long flowing Jedi robes, red hair, all of it was instead a see through blue, with only the tiniest accents of color. She looked around for a moment, appearing confused. She was getting better at this. She could now appear to anyone and everyone, though sometimes appearing in the right location was difficult.

The Force was mysterious in nature, all knowing and all seeing, but it was difficult to live within it. Her consciousness was still very much separate from the force, still very much different. That was a key feature of being a Force Ghost, remaining separate from the Force itself.

Of course eventually she would join with the living force, she would become one and merge her consciousness with whatever the energy field actually was. That was assured as anything else, but before then, before she did that she had things to do. Most were achieved. Teaching Avalore one last lesson, pointing Daella back on the correct path, there was only a few things left to do, a few things that Diana still had to take care of.

She looked around, and smiled slightly.

“Hal.” She intoned as her ghostly visage disappeared, then reappeared directly in front of the meditating Jedi Knight. A warm smile on her face.

 

[Hal Terrano]

When on Cato Neimoidia Hal Terrano was not hard to find.

So rigid, so structured was his schedule that if asked where he was at any time of day, Avalore or Lira could have said with absolute confidence where he was. Routine was important to him, it was an important factor in his world of strict discipline and discipline, as we all know, was key.

In the evening, after supper, he could be found meditating in the sky gardens of the temple, happily embracing the chill of the night air in his traditional brown Jedi robes. After this he would be returning to his new, well, almost hobby of restoring the temple's archives.

It was strange how he enjoyed it, taking a strange sense of satisfaction from building the ultimate font of knowledge and research. Going to Ossus for lessons was fine and dandy but not particularly handy. As he sat there, staring forwards he considered how well the temple was getting on. Perhaps soon they could take on some more Padawans. Although he would have to confer with Avalore first.

Then a spirit appeared before his icy gaze. [member="Diana Moridena"], a testament to the fact that even in death one can still improve themselves. Initially the deceased Jedi hadn't even been visible to Hal.

“Greetings, Master Moridena.”

 

[Cedric Dorn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]

Diana studied him for a moment.

He looked calm, thoughtful, at peace. Yet the Jedi Master knew that he was anything but. Hal, probably more than any Jedi, certainly more than she had, strove to follow the code exactly. He was stoic, calm, and obedient, but inside of him was a raging storm of locked up thoughts an emotions. She wondered if he was aware of it, if he could feel it.

She knew a part of what he had gone through, just a sliver. Being dead did not grant one eternal knowledge, but it gave one...insight. Diana had some insight into Hal, and she had even more now that she had been watching him, watching them all, here on Cato Neimoidia.

The Ghost apparition moved towards him, taking a few more steps to be closer until she eventually sat down with crossed legs in front of him.

“Hal.” Diana said quietly. “How are you?”

An odd question coming from a dead woman.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Casual dialogue wasn't his forte.

When engaging in a lesson, talking of a mission or funnelling off the stories of Jedi history he could talk as fluently as any other Jedi, it was his element. Chit-chat on the other hand brought him onto this awkward plain where he was incapable of putting the right emotional inflections upon the right words, if he even bothered to inflect at all.

Hal Terrano: Social catastrophe.

The Force Ghost sat before him, asking how he was. It's just another skill, Hal, it's something that can be improved upon like everything else. Just another skill.

“I am well,” he replied stiffly, common courtesy would demand that he asked the same question in return, but, well, [member="Diana Moridena"] was dead. How well could she be? However his mouth had already began to move without permission.

“How,” he paused, realising such folly before continue onward, “...are you?”

An odd question to ask a dead woman.

 

[Cedric Dorn]

“Fine.” Diana said. “Generally.”

It was true.

She didn't exactly feel things anymore. Pain was a distant memory, emotional anxiety was gone, betrayal had all but faded away. It was difficult to be upset when one was a force ghost. In fact the only thing that did upset her was when one of her former student was either harmed, or in distress. Other than that, she generally did not feel or really do much of anything besides sit and wait.

Such was the nature of a ghost. “I have been watching you, Hal.”

Ominous.

Though of course Diana would never harm Hal, nor could she if she wanted to. She was looking out for him, like she looked out for the other Jedi. It was difficult to keep an eye on them all of course, though she was aware of things that happened within the Order. Some of them she was gravely disappointed in, others, proud.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Hey, not so much of a blunder after all.

Terrano nodded at her response, a physical re-affirmation that both of them were fine. His aura of social awkwardness was already beginning to glow as the Force Ghost decidedly piled on the ominous statements. It wasn't exactly a great topic opening. I've been watching you was generally reserved for serial killers, or even Hal Terrano.

“I see,” he responded, narrowing his glacial gaze at her.

How can you even react to that statement? He was not a high enough level to unlock any interesting or sassy dialogue options. Mores the pity, wouldn't a 'and did you like what you saw' fit in so perfectly? Well no actually, not for Hal, that would have been out of character.

“Why?”

[member="Diana Moridena"]

 

[Cedric Dorn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]

Diana studied him for a moment, feeling the general distaste for conversation flowing from him. He was not a man meant for long conversation, or even short ones. He expressed his thoughts quickly, and with the proper amount of ideal behind it. Diana would have liked to have been more like him during her life, perhaps if she had been many of her problems wouldn't have built the way they did.

“You live in my old home, you are close to my apprentice, you are a Jedi.” She smiled at him, an amused smile. “Are these note reasons enough?”

Diana did not wait for him to answer. “I learned something while watching you, Hal. Something that I suspect you are aware of yourself but not willing to admit.”

She dug straight into the thick of it. There was no need to beat around the bush, no need to try and angle the conversation in any particular way. Hal wasn't the type to enjoy that sort of thing and she new she was better off just skipping straight to the important bits.

 

[Hal Terrano]

[member="Diana Moridena"]

His features softened (well, as much as his features could soften) as the spectre rattled off a few sensible reasons for her intrusion upon his privacy. I suppose, there weren't many figures to observe in the Cato Nemoidia temple. Maybe the janitor droid had some deep dark secrets beneath that metal surface.

No harm, no foul. Hal had nothing to hide.

Or did he?

Not willing to admit? What, skeletons in his closet? Terrano liked to think himself an open and honest book. They had their report from his time with the Sith, they knew of Nemene Talith and what she did, that was his massive skeleton. He didn't hide that, he didn't hide anything. Not that he was consciously aware of.

His pale eyebrows furrowed, frustrated at Diana's revelation. “I do not understand.”

 

[Cedric Dorn]

An eyebrow rose. “You have feelings for Avalore.”

It seemed obvious to her.

Diana had never been in a relationship all her life. There had been a brief fling with The Lord Protector, and many suspected that her and Daella had been more than just friends, but those were senseless allegations. In truth, Diana Moridena had never in her entire life been in love, nor did she really know what it felt like. Yet she was a romantic at heart, and in Hal she recognized all the signs.

Perhaps not love, perhaps he was not capable of such things, or did not allow himself to be capable of such things. Yet Diana saw in Hal very much the same signs she had seen in other Jedi, in other people, and with the wisdom of death, came clarity.

“By which I mean, you cherish her as more than simply a friend.” She spelled it out just in case.

 

[Hal Terrano]

In that moment Hal's perfectly stiff posture shifted, head rearing backwards and chin tucking down as if the Force ghost of [member="Diana Moridena"] had just pointed a blade at his throat. If we were to be perfectly honest, the blonde Knight would have much preferred a physical blade than a verbal one. He could deal with pain, that much had been proven in his life.

“No. I...”

He knew it, it was true. Whereas other Jedi were seen as mentors, students, allies, Avalore was a cut above the rest, she was a friend, his only friend and more.

All it took was a moment of weakness, a few drinks too many on the Sad Sith Express and a familiar face of comfort down in the dungeons. He had spilled everything, including his tears right there before her. She couldn't just be an ally. Not even just a friend. She had been his rock in his moment of pain and weakness where yes, finally he was open, down on his knees and vulnerable to the eyes of the galaxy. And Avalore Eden had picked him up with a kiss.

"...I do...not..."

Would have to have a head made out of boulder to see that the healer was more than just a friend.

But he'd been denying it, pushing it down to the furthest recesses of his mind. Attachments were forbidden. That's why they take you from your parents as early as they could, so you didn't form that emotional bond. Love, in the end, usually leads to hate.

“...I cannot.”

But he did.

 

[Cedric Dorn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]

Diana sat quietly through Hal's crisis of conscience, remaining silent as he spoke and worked his way through the implications of what she had said. Of course he already knew that she was telling the truth, that he words were fact and not just petty assumptions. She could see it in his eyes that he knew it, tell by the angles and lines on his face.

It was easy to read him like this.

He was more expressive now, when the shell that normally hung around him was broken.

“But you do.” Diana said quietly, her words echoing in that ghostly way.

There was no hint of judgment in her tone. No underlying statements or anything of the sort. It was a simple statement of fact, a simple few words that pointed out the truth. Her face was one of sympathy, soft features becoming smoother as realization slowly dawned on Hal.

 

[Hal Terrano]

[member="Diana Moridena"]

Very swiftly Hal broke his gaze with the spectre, finding a small shred more comfort in staring hard at the floor than at her admittedly placid expression. There was no sense of judgement coming from her, but it was surging forth from him in great crashing tidal waves.

He tried to find words. Excuses.

“I did not mean...”

What? You didn't mean to grow fond of somebody? Did you think that you could suppress your own humanity until the day that you died? That's not natural, that's not healthy. Nobody should deny themselves emotion. Nobody should deny themselves friendship and love because that's what the men and women of history ordered.

Like Avalore's nyork chowder, this revelation wasn't sitting well.

“Then I have...failed as a Jedi once more.”

 

[Cedric Dorn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]

Diana's eyebrow rose.

“Thats stupid.” Her voice was quite plain and forthcoming. “Saying you failed as a Jedi because you cared about someone is as flawed as a Bantha trying to operate a swoop bike.”

Not the most poetic comparison.

“You're human, Hal. Like I was, like Avalore is, like the rest of the Jedi are. You have flaws, you have imperfections, you have failings, but caring about someone...loving someone is not a flaw.” There was many debates on this subject, and the Jedi of Old likely would have vehemently disagreed with Diana, but then there were some great Jedi that would agree with her.

Diana herself considered love and caring to be a powerful tool. They key was not allowing that love to overcome you. She had, but not for the detriment of others, but for the detriment of herself.

“Attachments are not allowed in the code because they present a difficulty, a difficulty that needs to be controlled, and watched.” She paused for a moment. “Most thought it easier To never deal with that difficulty.”

That was her theory at least.

 

[Hal Terrano]

Stupid?

His face grew into a deep frown, almost as if he was offended. This wasn't going to be a free-flowing conversation where Hal realised that he was only human and in one fell swoop he would find his change of heart. No, this was not going to be the case. Maybe we get there in the end, but in that moment they were far from it.

“I am Jedi before I am a human,” he finally retorted, his voice a more startling shade of monotone than ever before.

The Code was what he had built his existence around, he knew nothing but being a Jedi. Everything about Hal Terrano, the way he walked, talked, made decisions, everything came from the Code and the tenets. Peace, knowledge, serenity, and discipline.

“I live to serve the Jedi Code,” he said, blonde brows furrowing, “Attachments and relationships are distractions. They are a danger, they split one's loyalty to the Order.”

He looked up again, a glum determination in his eyes as he summoned forth the knowledge of words read almost obsessively.

“For a Jedi to divide his attention between the will of the Force and the will of others is to invite disaster.”

 

[Cedric Dorn]

“Thats all well and good if you're a book or a robot, but you're neither.” Diana said with a grand amount of passion compared to his own words. “Love...feelings are not a distraction, they are also a motivation, a press to do better, to push oneself.”

She paused for a moment.

How could she best explain this to him? How could she relate this to him. Her eyes closed for a moment, though whether that actually did anything was up for debate. When she opened them again Diana smiled slightly, looking at Hal with a kind expression, one that appeared to be determined to get through his skull.

“Luke Skywalker. One of the greatest Jedi to ever live. Re-founded our order, banished dozens of Sith, and is seen as a pillar even now. He was married, he had children. Attachments were no barrier to him, and he is still great, still a Jedi. It perhaps invites disaster, but it does not guarantee it.” There. That made sense.

 

[Hal Terrano]

[member="Diana Moridena"]

Suddenly accepting that it was okay to be open about feelings and emotion was never going to be a painless process, if it was even destined to happen at all.

“I am not Luke Skywalker,” he answered stiffly, his brow creasing in a manner that just might have suggested a touch of hurt. Frigid blue eyes looked to the ghost's form, still cold, but not so-unfeeling. “I cannot guarantee that I would have his same fortitude. I do not have precognition, Master Moridena. Being so selfish as to risk the lives of those I am supposed to serve? For what? For wants? A Jedi must not have wants.”

The problem that lay was that the blonde knight had fallen once before, he had been broken, proving that he did not possess the perfect will-power of Luke Skywalker. Worse still he had been broken by Nemene Talith, who had methodically worked to bring him to his mental knees through female sexuality. There lay the tricky point.

“What if I fell again?” he asked, closing his eyes, face still framed in a more wounded frown.

“How could I take that chance?”

 

[Cedric Dorn]

[member="Hal Terrano"]
She paused for a few moments, remaining silent as she collected her thoughts.

“Because chances are all you have.” Diana said quietly. “You cannot stand at the cusp of something and retreat from it simply because you are afraid. Fear, Hal. Fear is what truly holds one back.”

There was something to that. Diana could have been said to have displayed many things in her lifetime, fear had never been one of those things. She had been brave and courageous all her life, constantly pushing herself to the limits, constantly pressing herself and hunting for what she wanted. Fear had never held her back, and it should not hold back Hal either.

“Yes. Something could happen. Yes, something could go awry. Yet the mark of a true Jedi, is overcoming challenges. This is just another one of those challenges. Your happiness is not conditional. You can choose to deny your feelings, bury them, squash them, never allow them to see the light of day. Or you could take a chance. That is your decision, your choice. Yet you must remember, not every choice has a bad outcome, both sides offer lessons.” She spoke quietly, carefully.

She wanted to convince him, but only to do what was best for himself.

 

[Hal Terrano]

[member="Diana Moridena"]

A younger Hal Terrano would have stuck to his convictions. Fear wouldn't have been his barrier but rather stone cold stubbornness. It was against the Code and therefore against everything he stood for. Diana wouldn't have stood a chance in breaking down that wall, but a younger Hal Terrano would never have fallen in love.

In love, there it was, in writing.

He was not the perfect Jedi, he never was. Hal was flawed now and before his fall he was flawed still. He sat silently, opening and casting his eyes back to the ground with a slow frustrated exhale. Before his problem was pride, was arrogance, he was judgemental and although he never said it out loud he thought himself better than his peers, who were brash, who were emotional, who fell before him like the ghosts of history dictated they would.

His time with the One Sith had been healthy, if only in one way. It had humbled the man, stripped the failing of pride but replaced it with the concept of fear and vulnerability. Did he embrace it? Think about it? No he suppressed it, like everything else.

“I do not want to hurt her.”

 

[Cedric Dorn]

“Avalore is a grown woman. She makes her own decisions, her own mistakes.” Diana spoke candidly, and as a person that knew Avalore well. “The only way you can hurt her is by hurting yourself.”

Diana's apprentice cared passionately for others. Her sole purpose was to heal and save, to improve the lives of others and try to make things better. That was why Avalore was the way she was. If Hal kept the knowledge of his feelings to himself, that was his decision, the same as if he told her. He had to make a decision either way though.

Keeping it welled up within him would only harm him in the end.

“You cannot harm her by telling her the truth.” That was true.

Oh sure Avalore would likely fumble, trot around, be unsure of herself at times, but she didn't shy away from the truth, and she didn't shy away from feelings, her own or others.

 

[Hal Terrano]

For a brief moment Hal looked very confused.

They had taken the word hurt and both gone off into very different directions. Hurting a person's feelings was hardly at the top of Terrano's list. He was not a social creature and usually didn't take stock in issues such as hurt feelings. His mannerisms were sometimes so blunt that he could damage a Sally Sensitive in the stoic way he said hello.
“Not like that.”

Reduce confused expression, resume frowning.

“There are Sith that prey upon these situations, upon Jedi emotions. I would make myself a target, I would make Avalore a target.”

She was lucky enough to have only been captured the last time. The next? Perhaps she would not be so fortunate. He would opt to prevent that situation from ever arising, even if it meant wounding himself in the process.