Regrets

[Raiz]

I want to preface this with an apology to both [member="Tefka"] and [member="[/FONT][/SIZE][FONT='courier new']Valiens Nantaris"] as this is going to be something that is a deep dive into my life and thoughts, so it will be sort of like a blog post of sorts and I don’t want either of them to be annoyed this just was something I felt the need to do. I have high respect and admiration for both of them and so annoying them is something I really don’t want to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80SKuF9wX2M​

Being someone who is not good with openings I will jump right into the point of this whole mess - Whenever I think about this site or the friends I made, I immediately become overwhelmed with the feeling of dread and regret over how I allowed my life affect me the way it was. I made amazing friends on my return, where [member="Darth Metus"] took me in and made me feel welcomed in the community alongside [member="Srina Talon"]. Granted I didn’t really do much to return any sort of appreciation, something I regret today but I want them to know that I greatly appreciate the kindness they gave to me. From there I met [member="Kaine Australis"] a fellow Australian and lover of Mandalorian lore, we kicked it off immediately to the point that I looked up to him as a father-like figure and I cannot say anything negative for the type of friend he was for me, but similarly to above I didn’t exactly show him the same side. I was then introduced to [member="Yasha Cadera"] the Mand’alor and a woman that to this day I will always love and respect, I then met so many more people such as [member="Shia Kryze"], [member="Tom Taff"], and of course there was [member="Beth Cadera"] someone who I relied heavily upon when I was going through tough times. After getting comfortable within the community I decided to assist as a Factory Judge where [member="Jamie Pyne"] gave me a chance and I would like to think I did everything I could to keep her proud of me. Then my life went crazy - I abandoned my characters, I told Jamie that I needed to dip from the factory staff and I simply disappeared.

This is the part that I would like to be open about - At the time I was in a rocky relationship with someone that I genuinely fell head over heels for, I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to be with this person for the rest of our lives but good things tend to end eventually, she broke up with me after I found out another who I considered my friend was telling people how they were in a relationship. Soon after I found out that several times in our relationship I was cheated on and only was returned to because they didn’t want a relationship - This devastated me to a point where my already unstable mind could not comprehend, so I disassociated myself with everything in my life and that was roughly when the saying of ‘bad news comes in pairs’ revealed itself to me and I found out that my dad had over-dosed on heroin in the United Kingdom. At this point in my life, I simply wanted to be invisible to everything in my life and without caring about those who care about me I simply acted on my own mismanaged thoughts, which ended me landing in an emergency room for the good part of a week.

I regret not coming to those that care about me, I regret abandoning the things that made me happy, I regret not acting like the friend that everyone treated me but I didn’t in response.

Honestly, I want to return - That is the truth, I simply cannot let go of this amount of guilt and regret on my chest and I guess partly why I am writing this so openly is in the hopes that I can let go of it but who knows.

I love this community, and I don’t want to let go, but I keep letting my emotions control me to let go.

That’s all I want to say and honestly, I don’t know how to end this, so have another song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldw5XoY5ETU​

 

[Gaia Sunaris Cadera]

First, I'm so sorry you've been through so much. That is crazy painful to go through, let alone all of it blowing up at the same time.

Secondly, please don't feel guilty - I can't speak for others, but I understand. I've been there. I love you to bits and I imagine every person you mentioned will say the same. You're an amazing person, all through and through. Everyone of us is lucky to have had you in our lives!

Thirdly, it's okay. It's okay to vanish, to heal. But, we all love you and would love to help you get through it together. I can't speak for everyone of course, but, I feel like I can say any one of us would *never* hold any of this against you. Heck, there is nothing to hold against you to begin with! I had to do it shake off the guilt, too - I was right there until about a month ago.

[member="Gaius Cadera"] Here is what I know:

You will be welcomed with open arms whenever you want and can be back. With Chaos or without Chaos. There will be no resentment, no anger, no frustrations with you not being here, or not showing appreciation, or any other possible reason. You don't have to feel guilty - because it's okay. Really bad stuff happened. You had to cope. It happens to every one of us, at some point or another.

And the great thing? That's what friends are here for - to help through the tough times, to open their arms judgement free, guilt-free, and to help get a smile back on.

We'd just love for you to be back in our lives, as our friend, with or without Chaos, one way or another.

 

[Tathra Khaeus]

[member="Gaius Cadera"]

​I can't say I know you nor your pain. But you have my sincerest condolences.
I hope life shines a brighter light on you in the future, best of luck - whatever you decide to do.

 

[Kei Amadis]

Don't know you. For what little it is worth. I empathize with what you are going through to an extent with your dad.

It can't not affect you. You'd be inhuman if it didn't.

On a much less important note. As far as the writing goes. People change. Places change. Anyone who is around long you enough in life generally does stupid stuff, and hopefully fun stuff. If they tell you otherwise, they are a liar. Sticking around a large group or community brings its own benefits, despite the ups and downs life brings.

Back to the more serious RL stuff. It won't get better. But it'll be different, and eventually with space to breathe. Brave of you share.
Best.
MJ