Private Rest and Relaxation

[Xan Deesa]

Denon/Suicide Slums​

Evening/Light Rain​

"Kark me. I'm blind in here and I karking hate it." Xan quipped as her hologram glanced around the safehouse hidden in the Slums. "No cameras, no mics, no technology. I get why you do it, but I got no idea what the rest of the building is doing in here." she admitted as looked back to Anakin. This was her only means of communicating with him. A simple projector that allowed her to have any sort of interaction. "You know with me online, I can easily keep any traces of these places secret, right? There's no way anyone can slice your systems with me giving overwatch." she explained to him with a hint of irritation.

In truth, her irritation and nagging over her situation was a mask. In truth, she was extremely happy to see him free and safe again after everything he went through. But expressing her sincere joy was hard like this. No ability to hug or punch, no way to express true emotion except with words and the tone of her voice. Besides, these days sincere joy was in short supply with her. It was getting to her.

Her hologram sat down on a cushion across from him as if she was really there. Her piercing gaze eventually softened as she gave a soft snicker. "Karking hell, Ani. You know how much I've missed you? And now I can't even do anything to express it. I can't hug you and, probably the worst part, you got no cybernetics that I can mess around with. The hell am I supposed to do now?" she asked rhetorically as a broad smile appeared on her mask. A mischievous look soon appeared as her hologram stuttered for a bit. When it stabilized, she was suddenly in the typical metal underwear that slave dancers usually wore. Her hologram stretched out along the cushions as she grinned at him. "I can put on a show for ya if that's your thing." she teased before her hologram reverted back to her original appearance.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

Anakin laughed. It was short, followed up by a coughing fit, but it was more joy than he had felt in a while. "You know its not." he said as Xan changed back. Besides, those were memories he'd rather not relive.

It was nice, sitting here with Xan. Lately his life was riddled with pain and grief. Now he was healing, safe among his people. Even if the price of it was his inability to fly. Even now, days after the surgery, his back felt much too light. The little that remained of his wing too small to balance out the weight of the remaining one.

"Missed me? Suns and sand Xan, you wouldn't believe 'ow much I missed you. I t'ought you were dead!" A clawed hand dragged through his hair. It was longer than he usually kept it, trailing down his shoulders to tangle with his remaining wing. He hadn't gotten around to cutting it.

"Speaking of implants," He began, pulling himself to his feet. The shook beneath him, still stick thin and covered in bruises and half healed cuts. "I've been t'inking of getting some myself." He made it across the room, grabbing onto the shelves that took of the wall. The little closet was half storeroom half lounge. Pillows and blankets littered the floor as shelves lined the wall, piled high with all manner of things. The majority of which were small pieces of tech and old comm models.

It was one of these that he grabbed. A small box no bigger than his hand. "I want to get a new wing, so I figured why not try out some oder stuff at de same time?" He made his way back to Xan, sitting down on the mound of cushions that he claimed. "Course I don't know a good ripperdock, and say what you will but I'm not letting anyone near my eyes." He turned the box over in his hands. "But I did find dese. Ryka, the trandoshan out front, offered 'em to me." He pried the box open. "They're contacts. Supposedly they work as a miniature HUD." Now he looked back up to Xan, a smile on his face. "Figured they'd come in useful."

'Figured you could use them' went unsaid. They didn't need to be said.

Too pale fingers slid the contacts out of the box. They were sealed of course, kept safe inside little plastic containers. He made easy work of opening them, and slipping them on was muscle memory at this point. He'd used contacts liberally on Tatooine. A good cloack and a pair of contacts was all he really needed to go from the harpy that he was to an unknown humanoid.

When he blinked his eyes back open, his vision was full of new information. He paid it no mind, turning his gaze instead to Xan.

Xan Deesa

 

[Xan Deesa]

Xan grinned at his comment as she stared at him. "Not yet." she quipped teasingly before the conversation moved on. Good thing too. She would probably give him a heart attack if she went on with her jokes. He expressed again how much he missed her and this time she didn't need to worry about getting him out of harm's way. However she couldn't ignore the fact that he was wrong.

She was dead... but also not. She was nothing now. Not a person, not dead, just a jumble of code. The thought wiped her smile away as her features darkened, but she quickly recovered with a shrug. "Nah. I ain't that easy to get rid of. Especially now." she reassured him. "You're not gonna get away from me that easily." she joked. The conversation took a turn when he mentioned getting mods for himself. Naturally his mangled wing was priority, but he was open to the idea of getting more than just that. Xan's eyes were wide with surprised as she watched him get a tiny box off a shelf. "I'm having a hard time picturing you in a chop shop. Never thought I'd hear you get curious about some chrome." she admitted with a laugh.

Then he went on to show her what was in the box. Contacts, and nice ones as well. She was familiar with the tech. Her mind immediately went to the opportunities it presented and it seemed that he was of the same mind, if his grin was an indicator.

Without wasting any time, he slipped the contacts onto his eyes. But when his eyes opened, the hologram was gone. Instead, a much more realistic Xan was in front of him, practically straddling him as she stared into his eyes with a broad grin. The mask was gone, allowing him to see her face fully. The occasional glitch or stutter still occurred with her image as the signal fluctuated, but it was a far more realistic appearance compared to the hologram. "All you need now is a commlink in your ears and it'll be like I was never gone." she muttered as she got off him and sat beside him, her voice still coming through the projector. She was silent for a very long moment as her smile faltered.

Eventually she looked back to him. "I don't know how to express how much it means to me. What you just did." she muttered. From the tone of her voice, it was reasonable to assume that she wanted to cry. But nothing came. "It's been hell, Ani. I don't know how to explain it. But it's been hell. I see... everything. I hear everything, I know everything. What's currently happening throughout the entire galaxy... and everything that was ever on the Holonet. Right now, my "full attention" is simply a piece of what I currently am now." she explained softly. To give him an idea, her image disappeared and the HUD filled with millions of tiny feeds and articles. Through the speakers, a jumble of voices and sounds came forth that was closer to static than comprehensible sound. It all disappeared and Xan returned, her hands covering her face.

"What's worse... I'm not even here. I'm not alive, Ani. I'm not even dead. If I were dead, at least I'd have some type of closure. I'm simply lines of code, floating through cyberspace and infecting every piece of software and hardware I touch. I'm nothing. They ruined me. They took everything from me." she continued as she looked up at him. "I can't feel anything. I know what happiness feels like. What pain feels like, what grief feels like. I know what I'm feeling now... but it's fake. It doesn't feel real. Just more code while I'm REDUCED TO KARKING NOTHING!" she exploded, the speaker's volume rising to the point of almost blowing it as his contacts glitched out for a moment.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

"You are somet'ing" He grabbed for her hand, careful not to send it soaring through the image. "You're my friend. More dan dat, you're Xan." He sighed. How to put this? It was difficult in basic, as ambiguous as the language was. "My people have a word. Vikka-terak. It translates poorly -most Amatakka does- to child of da desert." Spice blue eyes flicked up to her gold ones. It was impossible to tell without a pupil of his own, so he titled his head with it to let her know. "It also means people who are free. People like you, who've gained deir freedom and are all alone now." He smiled, sharp teeth glinting dully.

"So no, you aren't not'ing. You're lukka, free, and Vikka-terak, a desert child." He sighed once more, thoughts shifting to her earlier words. "I wont pretend to know what it's like. To know everyting... it can't be easy. I don't know 'ow I can help, but I will. Just tell me 'ow."

He squeezed her hand, or tried to anyways. "You're my friend Xan, dat means you're not alone in dis."

Xan Deesa

 

[Xan Deesa]

He started to speak and she glanced up at him. He tried his hardest to reassure her that she was something, not just an engram. And dammit it was working. Even if only for a moment, she felt a degree of validation that she wasn’t able to find in herself. Her image smiled warmly at him... until he pretended to squeeze her hand.

She looked down at their hands. It was a beautiful gesture. All for her sake. But it reminded her that it was all a lie. Her hand drifted from side to side, passing clean through his with no effect. ”Do you know how much I miss it?” she started. ”The ability to cry. To feel my cheeks get tired after laughing too much. To fall asleep. To ruffle up Cartri’s hair... or hold the people I care about.” she looked up to him towards the end of her sentence.

”I don’t feel free, Ani. I feel like I moved from one prison to another. One where I will live forever, forced to watch the people I care for die, only to meet new people and watch them die as well. I miss it all. And the only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that, one day, I will get them. One connection after another, I will get to them... and I will ruin them like they ruined me.” she muttered. She glanced around then back to him. ”I’m sorry, Ani. You just got out of arguably the worst time of your life and now you’re stuck with me nagging on and on about how sad my existence is.” she apologised to him with regret and guilt thick in her voice.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

He smiled through the memories. He smiled through the memories of broken bones and cold, lonely nights. He smiled through the memories, because it wasn't about him right now. "It's alright." It wasn't.

"You know," He began, partially to fill the silence in the room and partially to stop the noise in his head. "If you don't feel free, den we should change dat. Maybe we can find you a body? I know dere are many advanced droids. HDRs, I t'ink dey are called. Perhaps you could get one? Den you could feel again. At least da physical t'ings. It's obvious you still feel emotions." His joke felt awkward on his lips. He was never the type to make jokes. That was always Xan.

Why was this so hard? He was free, she was free. In as much as she could be in this state. Why did life have to be so much more difficult now that they were free? Why did it have to cost so much?

It was a stupid question. Life was always hard. Be you slave or free, that didn't change. The only difference was the free had a choice. They could take it easy. They could run, hide somewhere and live their life peacefully. Or they could fight. They could fight and sometimes they would loose. Then they could stand up and fight once more or turn tail and run.

He snorted, a sardonic smile playing across his lips. Look at them, too stubborn for their own good. They didn't know when to give up. They kept giving and life kept taking.

Yet...

It wasn't all bad. He glanced at Xan. Her flickering form sat curled up beside him. They had each other. Sure, it wasn't great, but that was okay. They were here, alive. And he really did believe that. It didn't matter if Xan had no heart with which to beat or eyes with which to cry. At the core of it, she was still alive, still a person.

Things would get better, he had to believe that.

Xan Deesa

 

[Xan Deesa]

Xan could see straight through the lies and the smile. "No it's not, Ani." she muttered softly as she looked at him. A sad smile formed as her image scooted a bit closer to him. "But now you're here. You're safe and sound. And I can see those hypnotizing eyes of yours again." she spoke softly as she stared at him.

He went on to pitch a really good idea. To get her a body. He managed to get a chuckle out of Xan, even if the joke was absolutely horrible. "About that..." she started, glancing at the door of the safehouse. "You might wanna go check what's at the door." she suggested, failing at keeping a mischievous grin hidden from him. Outside the door stood a very expensive droid, though it was heavily modified and not in good shape. "I bring a funky bird and a kark-ton of spice." the droid quipped with Xan's voice, though it was heavily filtered through the droid's vocabulator.

Once the droid was let inside, Xan's hologram disappeared and the battered droid looked at Anakin for a moment. "It's a piece of junk, I'll be honest. No touch receptors or anything like that... but I can at least see things from this perspective again." she admitted with a shrug. She stepped closer to Anakin as she looked him over. "And I can do this at least." she quipped before she wrapped her one good arm around him and planted a kiss on his cheek. It was a horrible gesture, with a cold body and harsh, metallic touch. But it was better than to keep struggling with the connections and holograms. Even a lifeless, durasteel body was better than nothing at all.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

Anakin was on his feet in moments. A smile blossomed across his face, directed at the broken droid. Directed at Xan. She wrapped her arm around him, pressed her face against his in a facsimile of a kiss. He laughed, short and rough, distorting past recognition and into a painful coughing fit. Still it was a laugh, the first in a long time. "I missed this." He says. I missed you, he means. He had said it before, but this was different. This was new. It was one thing to know she was alive. It was an entirely different thing to grab onto her, to feel her arms against his.

He wraps his own arms around her, uncaring for the cold durasteel against his skin. His emotions soar high, past the reach of any storm or the height of the tallest cloud cutter. Then he tries to wrap her in his wings. What would have once been a comforting embrace is reduced to half gestures. The incompletion tugs at his soul. It burns his bones with grief and rage as hot as noontime suns. His smile drops, pulling into a frown. Sickly yellow shoulders curl in on themselves, his injured wing tucking itself close to his back. It doesn't matter. He can still feel it. The missing limb burned against his back in all the places that it couldn't. A brand of his freedom.

Tears prick his eyes but he pulls them back. It wasn't worth wasting water. Instead he curls into Xan, tucks his head into the artificial shoulder and tries desperately not to cry.

Xan Deesa

 

[Xan Deesa]

The droid's synthetic lips curled into a grin at Anakin's words as he wrapped his arms around Xan. His attempt at a laugh was miserable at best, but she still joined in with a chuckle. "It's not the warm and gentle embrace I would have liked to give... but it's better than just staring at you." she admitted as she held on with her one good arm.

Both his arms held her close and his wings even tried to wrap around her in that perpetually comforting hug from him. However she could see his demeanour shift when the damaged wing failed to fulfil its duty. His composure faltered with every passing second as they held each other. She watched him as he rested his face in the crook of her neck and tried to keep the tears in. This wasn't the first time this happened. Her thoughts returned to a dear Mandalorian friend when she faced a similar situation with him. She was determined to help Anakin as well with this pain.

Gently she ushered him back to his cushions and sat down along with him. Her arm held him as close as she could as she brushed her cheek against his. "Let it out, Ani." she whispered softly. "Just let it out. Don't let it eat you up like this." she encouraged him gently. She had a feeling it wouldn't work so well... so she decided on another approach. "You can afford this water, Ani. It's not a waste." she muttered as she looked at him, her hand gently squeezing him against her body. He needed this. He needed to get the pain out... and she wanted to give him that release.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

"It 'urts." He whispers in a voice thick with tears. "It's not even dere and it still 'urts."

Why did it have to be like this? Why did he have to loose it? He felt lost without his wings. Adrift in the middle of a storm, shards of rock and sand scratching against his skin.

"I was flying da first time I felt free." He tells Xan, and there was so much more to it than that. There as a sense of elation that came with being in the air. It was as if his very soul lifted from it's chains and soared with him. It burned him, to no longer have the ability to soar.

The first tear slipped down his cheek, soon followed by another, and another. Until Xan's metal skin was dripping with his tears. "I don't know how to feel, now that I can't." That was a lie, forced out between painful sobs. He did know, he just refused to admit it.

He felt useless, completely and utterly useless. His people were dying, and he couldn't even help. He had caused this! He had caused their suffering! He was the one who told the corpos about their secrets. He was the one who revealed the signs they used to mark the way on the trail. He was the one who betrayed them.

And here he was, holed up in one of their safe houses. They had told him it was alright, said they understood, and pointed him here to rest. It made him sick. He had caused this. They had every right to shove him out to the streets and yet here he was.

The worst part? He couldn't do anything to help. He was flightless, with sever malnutrition and muscle atrophy. A strong wind could kill him right now. It grated against his nerves. he needed to do something. He was withering away every second he stayed cooped up.

Xan Deesa

 

[Xan Deesa]

Soon the tears started to flow as he expressed his pain. Xan said nothing for a while as she held him against her, letting him get it out of his system as she gently rubbed his back and rested her cheek against his head. "It's okay, Ani. It will all be okay." she muttered softly as her hand brushed down his hair. He probably blamed himself for everything that has happened. If he did, she was going to be there to beat some sense into him.

"You took a knock. You were beaten into the ground and the Trail's secrets were forced out of you. It wasn't your fault. But now that you're down at rock bottom, there's only one way to go." she spoke softly as she pulled back slightly to look at him. "Rest and heal. Get your head back in the game. When you're strong enough, we'll get you a new wing. And after that, we'll take the fight to them." she explained to him. "You suffered hard, Ani. You went through something nobody should go through. But this isn't the end, you hear me? Not for you. And not for your people. You didn't free thousands of slaves, slaughter dozens of masters and build an underground empire in the name of freedom just to let it die here tonight." she spoke with conviction as her hand rested against his cheek. "So cry now. Scream now. Shout at the karking Force now. Because when you're well enough to fight again, we're going to give them hell."

She stared into his eyes for a moment, her artificial face inches from his. "And don't let the corpo rats steal that smile away." she muttered with a gentle grin as she looked into his eyes. "I didn't bust you out of prison just to see that smile disappear." she quipped before she gave him a gentle kiss on his forehead.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

"T'anks Xan." He doesn't smile, couldn't if he wanted to. It didn't matter that Xan was right, it didnt matter that he wouldn't let them take his joy, to smile now would be a lie. He refused to lie to himself.

Instead he made a promise. "I'll get drough dis." He told Xan, voice bedrock hard. "I'll 'eal and get better and one day I'll fly again." What a day that would be, to be able to feel the wind beneath his wings once more. "And you're right, I'll 'elp my people." Clawed fingers tightened their hold on Xan. The corpos wouldn't know what hit them.

"You 'ave to promise me somet'ing, dough." He looked her in the eyes, unfamiliar as they were. "You 'ave to promise me you'll get better too. Not just- not just for revenge."

"My people 'ave a saying. An angry slave is water on noontime sand. You hiss and spit and make a big show, but people motivated by anger soon disappear under da 'eat of da suns and sands, and deir effects on da world are just as short." He frowned, eyes flicking away toward the wall. Basic was so very complicated. Why couldn't he just say what he meant instead of dancing around duplicitous meanings and vague phrases? In the end he decided to go for it. Better to try and fail than never try at all.

"Just, 'eal for me. I want to see you get better. I want to see you wid a body of your own. Don't 'eal just to drow it all away as you go after your masters."

Xan Deesa

 

[Xan Deesa]

He reassured her that he would get better. That he wouldn’t lose this fight. However she froze up when he made his request.

Heal for him, not just for revenge. She looked down to his hands as they tightened their grip. She wished that she could feel them in that moment. Feel him hold her so tightly and not wanting him to let her go. She almost felt ashamed that he had to hold onto this crappy droid, stare into its pathetic excuses for eyes.

Her gaze met his again as her hand shifted to take hold of his. He was asking her to do something very serious. All she wanted was revenge. To make the corpos pay for what they did to her and to hunt down the people that made her. Turned her into their own living weapon and robbed her of any chance to be a normal person.

She still had her dream. A dream of her living a simple life with the person she cared about most. But that dream was starting to change. Instead of a peaceful job as a P.I. on Lothal, living with Cas in their perfect home... Lothal was changing into a sprawling maze of a city, and Cas was starting to change into someone very different.

”I promise. I’ll do whatever it takes to get a proper body again. To feel hungry and tired and happy again... to feel you again.” she muttered softly, her eyes not moving from his. She wanted to take the moment and say what she wanted to, but she hesitated. Was it a good idea? Did she want to do it when she was looking like this? As she sat back and retreated her form from his, her mind was plagued with doubt.

Then she thought back on everything. What had happened to her, to him, the amount of regrets she had because she didn’t take the chances when she was still alive. She didn’t want to let another moment slip into regret.

”You know what, kark it.” she grumbled as she took hold of his shirt collar and closed the distance between them. She pressed her cold, synthetic lips against his for a second or two before she pulled back. It was a horrible gesture, cold and insincere in her eyes. But it was excusable. She didn’t want to let this chance slip by.

”The moment I got a body again, I’m gonna give you a proper one. But kark it, I ain’t gonna miss another chance to do that.” she admitted with a smirk as she released her grip on him. ”Go get some rest. I’ll leave the droid here if you wanna talk or something.” she insisted as she nodded to the stack of pillows strewn about the place.

Anakin Stormrunner

 

[Anakin Stormrunner]

Xan kissed him. The realization took too long to set in. When it finally did, the shock of it made him freeze. Surprise danced within his bones, mixed with a confusing cocktail of joy and pleasure. That alone was enough to send another bolt of shock down his spine. Did he love Xan? It begged asking, but at the same time the answer was one that escaped him. He cared for her; yes, wanted the best for her; yes, but did he love her?

Anakin was different from other Tatooine slaves. He had never had the chance to love someone romantically. The most he had ever gotten was physical attraction. His masters had watched him too closely and he'd never found someone with whom it was worth the risk. Things had been different on the Trail. He'd had the time and the freedom, but had lacked the interest. Married to his work, the freeborn among them had called it. Now though, the thought of romance didn't seem impossible. The only question was if he was interested.

Emotional competence had never been his strong point. Even now, with Amavikka children coming to him for advice on big and small, he still found emotions to be needlessly complicated. He'd have to think about this. A part of him said yes, he did love her, but it was rash and quick to judgement. It was the part that had gotten him into plenty of scrapes by not thinking. This was important, it wouldn't do to rush in without knowing the truth. His emotions would not become his depan.

Aloud, he simply nodded, eyes blown wide, lips parted in shock. "Yeah, sleep." He'd be getting very little of it, with a revelation like that.

Xan Deesa
Translations
Depan= The plural form of "dep", it translates to chains and is the root word of depur or master.