Hey all, it's been a good minute since I've been around, and I kinda wanted to take the time to entertain the idea of returning to Chaos. In all honesty there really isn't a reason for me to do so, I actually left and ended things rather abruptly because the reality of everything that occurred just shot any motivation and desire right in the head, completely souring any of my want for continuing writing here. That in itself is my fault entirely, and I should've known better. I burned a lot of bridges in the process.
Since some time has gone by, I've had plenty of days/weeks to reflect on the whole of the situation and why things happened the way they did. First of all I'd like to address the fact that I lied to a lot of people to be seen in a better light, it's that simple, and probably one of the most pathetic excuses one might see/hear. I was never myself on Chaos and allowed my own mental health to devolve and fester, rather than taking a break or stepping away from the monitor I sit in front of. I was not a healthy person and had/have issues that I brushed aside, which furthered the whole delusional perspective I ended up inhabiting. I think what sucked the most about everything was losing respect among fellow writers, and not being generally acknowledged for having much integrity or something akin to a spine; however, at the end of it all, I understood that I needed to own up and hold myself accountable for what I need and how I should act.
I made multiple accounts, alts, personalities to blend in better and just to have a clean slate where I've never done anything stupid or outlandish - a plaster over a cracked and crumbling wall that was never meant to hold anything together and something I ultimately decided to break down myself to save some face. It was all really lame of me, and only led down an avenue of self-pity that was inappropriate and incorrect when trying to confront what actually should've been happening. Since all this I've gotten to know myself on a more fundamental level, even taking a stab at seeing life outside of my own bubble and working to make sure my actions and thoughts are anchored in reality, rather than going off on sheer opinion or paranoid incoherence.
I hope this sentiment finds you all doing well in otherwise weird times.
Since some time has gone by, I've had plenty of days/weeks to reflect on the whole of the situation and why things happened the way they did. First of all I'd like to address the fact that I lied to a lot of people to be seen in a better light, it's that simple, and probably one of the most pathetic excuses one might see/hear. I was never myself on Chaos and allowed my own mental health to devolve and fester, rather than taking a break or stepping away from the monitor I sit in front of. I was not a healthy person and had/have issues that I brushed aside, which furthered the whole delusional perspective I ended up inhabiting. I think what sucked the most about everything was losing respect among fellow writers, and not being generally acknowledged for having much integrity or something akin to a spine; however, at the end of it all, I understood that I needed to own up and hold myself accountable for what I need and how I should act.
I made multiple accounts, alts, personalities to blend in better and just to have a clean slate where I've never done anything stupid or outlandish - a plaster over a cracked and crumbling wall that was never meant to hold anything together and something I ultimately decided to break down myself to save some face. It was all really lame of me, and only led down an avenue of self-pity that was inappropriate and incorrect when trying to confront what actually should've been happening. Since all this I've gotten to know myself on a more fundamental level, even taking a stab at seeing life outside of my own bubble and working to make sure my actions and thoughts are anchored in reality, rather than going off on sheer opinion or paranoid incoherence.
I hope this sentiment finds you all doing well in otherwise weird times.